Nagising ako sa sasakyan habang nasa biyahe pa rin. Sumilip ako sa bintana para tignan kung nasaan na kami ngunit hindi pamilyar ang paligid. We are surrounded with trees but when I looked in front, I can already see hundreds of hectares of fields.
"Oh, you're awake" nagsalita si Kuya Amschelle na kaninang nasa phone ang tingin.
Nilingon ko siya. "Is this your home, kuya?"
Para naman siyang natauhan at nangiti pa. "Oh, I forgot it's your first time here" and he chuckled. "This is our home, Adi"
Napatingin ako muli sa paligid at hindi na maiwasang mamangha dahil sa lawak ng lupain na nakikita ko. There are lot of Narra trees on our way and when we reach its end, fields of agriculture welcomed us that I cannot even blink my eyes in antonishment.
"Wanna know what they are?" Si Kuya Amschelle na pansin ang aking pagkamangha.
I nodded eagerly and went closer to him on the other side of the window. He rolled down the window and fresh air embraced us.
Bumagal naman ang pagpapatakbo ng aming sasakyan para masuri namin nang mabuti ang mga tinutukoy ni Kuya Amschelle.
Tinuro niya ang nasa unang apat na hilera na mga puno. "Those were apple trees," nang madaan kami sa katabi na nito ay tinukoy niya iyong mga orange at lemon trees. "Orange and lemons." At nang may malingon sa aming mga trabahador na naroong namimitas ng mga bunga ay mga nagsikaway ito.
Hindi ko maiwasang mangiti at kumaway pabalik sa kanila kahit hindi ko sila makita nang maayos. At sa malayong dako ay tinuro ni Kuya Amchelle ang kanilang malawak na mango and coconut farm.
"Our grape farm are behind the mango and coconut farm. Let's go there later" ani Kuya Amschelle na sinang-ayunan ko naman agad.
"I didn't know you live here." Sabi ko at naintriga dahil ang pinupuntahan lang namin dati kapag bumibisita sa kanila ay doon sa bahay din nila sa subdivision namin.
Kuya Amschelle gave me a small smile. "You know our Lola, she's very much recluse kaya kaming pamilya lang ang nakakauwi dito."
Kumunot ang noo ko at naguluhan dahil hindi naman tahimik at mahiyain si Lola Crisanta. "Si Lola Crisanta?"
Umiling siya. "Our great grandmother, Adi. Si Lola Hilaria. You haven't seen her since hindi pa siya nakakauwi dito ever since"
Napakurap ako. Wait. Great grandmother? Means nanay ni Lola Crisanta? She's so old, then! Pero buhay pa? Lolo Fuego nga is dead already and so are his parents pero itong lola nila Kuya Amschelle, buhay pa? How was that possible!
"Is she still... Alive?" Paninigurado ko.
Natawa naman sa akin nang mababa si Kuya at patagilid na humarap sa akin. "Of course! Mas malakas pa nga 'yon kay Mama Lola"
Was that really possible? Paniguradong hundred years old na iyon!
Hinawakan ni Kuya Amschelle ang aking balikat. "I know you're overwhelmed. 'Wag na muna ang pamilya ko ang pag-usapan natin. Let's get you some rest first, hmm?"
Tumango ako kay Kuya at inilabas muli ang tingin para pagmasdan ang paligid. We then go through another series of huge trees before a huge gate came into our view. Otomatikong bumukas iyon at bumugad sa amin ang malawak na bakuran na may dalawang fountain sa magkabilang gilid at isang malaki roon sa harap ng isang malaking bahay.
Let me correct that. A huge mansion.
Lumabas na si Kuya Amschelle kaya sumunod na rin ako. Nilibot ko ang bakuran at ngayon ko lang napansin ang lawak ng topiary garden na ngayo'y may mga hardinerong nagt-trip at nag-a-ayos sa mga iyon.
Bumaling ako sa harap at napakurap ako sa sobrang pagkagulantang sa aking nasa harapan ngayon.
It's a huge French chateau looking mansion. I feel like I was brought back in 14th century! The exterior was completely jaw dropping thinking how wealthy the Venganzaras are.
I mean, I know that our family is wealthy. Both Castor and Riguella side but I've never imagined how crazy rich Lolo Darius Venganzara side is!
"Let's go?" Giya sa akin ni Kuya Amschelle papasok.
Two maids opened the grand door. Colors of cream and golden lights highlights the interior with black accents on the furniture and the lightings.
Kuya Amschelle let me wander the place as he talks to some maids. Ilang metro mula sa bukana ang dalawang grand stairs cases na nagdudugtong sa pangalawang palapag na mansion. At doon umangat ang tingin ko nang hanapin ko kung saan nanggagaling ang liwanag sa buong bahay. A huge crystal and gold chandelier hang from the high ceiling greeted me with its sophistication and lavishness.
"This is nice..." Mahina kong sabi nang maglakad na kami ni Kuya Amschelle papasok pa lalo sa kanilang mansyon.
We went through the two stair cases at pinaupo muna ako ni Kuya Amschelle sa sa tingin ko'y formal receiving area. I sat down quietly on the camel back sofa which are apparently looking so antique because of its gold and sculptured crest rail.
Sandali akong sumandal at ipinikit ang mata. Kahit pagod man sa biyahe, hindi ko iyon maramdaman dahil naipahinga ko na rin naman ang sarili sa pagtulog kanina.
But then, the reason why I'm here came back to me. My mind started to tangle up again.
I tried to feel what I wanted to feel. I want to be furious and scream all the pain and uncertainess I have in me but I don't feel like doing it. Gusto kong mailabas ang gulo sa isip ko lalo na ang mga bagay na alam ko na ngunit hindi ko pa rin matanggap na nasa akin ang mga iyon. Gusto kong isigaw pero malaki ang parte sa akin na hindi sang-ayon doon.
Para bang hindi iyon ang paraan para makaramdam ako ng kaginhawaan sa sarili. O ng kapayapaan sa sarili pagkatapos maisiwalat sa akin ang katotohanang wala nang totoo sa nakapaligid sa akin.
Hindi ko namalayan na umalis na pala si Kuya Amschelle at napunta lamang ang tingin ko rito nang bumalik ito na may kasamang kasambahay na may dalang juice at tray ng tinapay at spread.
Pinagsalin ako ni Kuya Amschelle sa isang baso at inabot sa akin. Tinanggap ko naman iyon at sumimsim habang nasa labas ng malaking glass door sa aming harap ang tingin.
I took a deep breath and calm my nerves first. Nakikipag-unahan ang mga iyon sa pagkibot sa aking utak na para bang gusto na lamang nitong sumabog para hindi na ako maguluhan pa.
Behind the glass door is what I see a huge swimming pool and an overlooking... Ocean?
"You okay?"
Dahan-dahan kong dinala ang mga mata kay Kuya Amschelle na ngayo'y wala na ang suot na coat at nakaputing button up shirt na lamang.
Just like earlier, worry was the only thing plastered in his face.
"Can I lie?" Mahina kong sabi na ikinailing nito at humarap na rin sa kanina kong tinitignan habang nakahilig ang mga bisig sa kaniyang hita at nakasaklop na mga kamay.
"No lies, Adi." Mababa nitong sabi.
My lips formed a small smile before it fell into a dismay of sadness. I pursed my lips and looked at the glass of juice I'm holding on my lap. Droplets of cold moist from it trailed down on my legs.
"I definitely... don't feel okay about myself" mahina kong panimula.
Thoughts of uncertainness and confusion started to fill my head more. Ang maisip na halos malayo sa katotohanan ang mga nararamdaman kong pagbabago sa aking buhay ay nag-iwan sa akin ng isang malaking hawla na puno ng mga katanungan.
Ngunit isa lang ang gusto kong maintindihan at malaman. Bakit?
Bakit kailangan nilang gawin sa akin iyon?
Was I really that a rebel of deprived of freedom that they needed to lie and deceive me into their own trap?
Talaga bang dapat akong pagkaitan ng kalayaan sa buhay at sa paraan na makakamit ko lamang iyon ay ang pagpapaikot nila sa aking isip at damdamin?
"You know how mom and dad treat me too special, right?"
Kuya Amschelle hummed, gesturing me to continue.
Tinignan ko si Kuya Amschelle at binasa ang labi. "That I needed extra care, extra protectness... And extra love, that's why they never really let me do things on my own without their supervision"
I gulped as lump started to fill my throat. I looked at the glass door again. "I'm fragile. I admit that I can't protect myself and there are lot of them who can hurt me"
I was taught that I need someone to look over me because I am weak and fragile to protect myself. I need a sister to keep me from danger and a friend to keep me in sane. A family to keep me safe.
But how can I even attain that when all the doubts and uncertainess came from them? Now that I can't even move a bit without needing the assurance that I wasn't being deceived?
Ni hindi ko na maisip kung mapapagkatiwalaan ko pa ba sila o maiisipan nang tama.
"But K-kuya..." My eyes started to water as I gasped. Nakatungo na ang aking ulo dahil hindi ko maisipang harapin ang kahit sino habang inaalala kung totoo ba ito o hindi. "You won't hurt me, right? I can trust you, right?"
Napalingon siya sa akin at lumapit na tila ba'y naalarma. "I won't hurt you, Adi. You can trust me" He said, assuring me. "Why? Did they hurt you? Sino?" Halos kabado at galit niyang tanong
I shook my head. "Then it's you that I can only trust right now"
Naramdaman ko ang pagtulo ng luha mula sa aking kaliwang mata. Tahimik ko iyong pinunasahan at huminga nang malalim.
"You probably know that I have a boyfriend, right?" Bahagya kong sinulyapan si Kuya Amschelle na tahimik na nakamasid sa akin.
"Yes, an Alfanta, right? Mr. Bill's son..."
Tumango ako at nagpatuloy. "I loved him. I truly... loved him."
"He's very caring and gentle, he always assures me about everything I feel and makes me feel the happiest all the time."
"He keeps all the doubts away from me. He's just perfect."
I stopped as I felt how my heart started pounding as if it's telling me how all of it aren't true. That they deceived me only to gain what they really want...
What they really need.
"T-then out of the blue..."
Halos pahirapan pa akong magsabi ng totoo dahil tuwing inuulit ko iyong isipin, pakiramdam ko'y sinisira lamang noon ang katinuan ko.
"Everything became... nothing"
Hindi ko namalayang basang-basa na pala ang aking hita ng mga luhang kanina pa nakikipagpaligsahan na bumagsak mula sa aking mata. My throat was hurting from all these emotions swirling in me even though I couldn't really point out which is the right one to feel right now.
Kunot-noo nang nakamasid sa akin si Kuya Amschelle habang nakaabang sa aking mga sasabihin.
"I-i thought he loved me too because I feel like it. I feel... I feel loved at the most genuine and best way..."
Sinubukan kong punasan ang aking luha ngunit hindi ako nagtagumpay dahil nanginginig na lamang na bumagsak ang aking kamay sa aking kandungan na napatakan din ng luha.
It just hurts badly. Kahit na gusto kong magalit at maipalabas na sinirang-sinira nila ako sa punto hindi na nila ako mahahanap, ang hirap pa rin tanggapin na nagawa nila sa akin ang bagay na iyon.
Para akong laruan na ginamit lamang kasi kailangan, hindi dahil gusto.
"B-but... he's not... t-true about his feelings, about his care... about his love for me. He was just forced to like me and that... it's just a make-believe relationship with me" halos ibulong ko na ang paos kong boses dahil ang sakit na nararamdaman ko ay naisasaboses ko na.
Lalong umukit ang pagkagulo sa mukha ni Kuya ngunit nangibabaw ang kagustuhang magalit na pinipigilan lamang dahil sa akin. "How... how come? What was his reason? God damn..." He bowed down, frowning and when he looked up at me, his eyes were weary. "How can he fuckin' hurt you like this?"
I shook my head. "H-he needed me to find his mother..."
Bigla siyang natigilan at napaawang ang labi. "What? He needed you to find his mother? For fuck's sake, his father own a security agency! Why would he need you?!" Halos kumulog ang boses ni Kuya.
My lips parted as it waters continuesly. "H-his dad ceased the investigation... I don't know the reason why but i-it was daddy who represents to find his mother in exchange of... c-courting me"
Kuya Amschelle shut his eyes frustratingly and cursed softly. "Why him? Bakit ang lalaking iyon pa?
Suminghot ako at hinawakan ang mga kamay. "H-he's the nicest and... very responsible... M-maybe that's why Dad wants him for me..."
"But you didn't know that beforehand?" He almost glare at me if only he didn't realize he's venting his anger on me and consoled me as I cry silently. "I'm sorry for getting angry it's just... Adi, you're like my baby sister... I don't want you to experience this pain..." Pang-aalo niya na ikinatango ko lamang at huminga nang malalim.
"I-i didn't know about his deal with dad... I just knew it earlier..." Sabi ko at nag-iwas ng tingin dahil naalala ko na naman ang nangyari kanina sa condo ni Larry.
If only for that talk with Alliyah, I wouldn't know all of this whole-acted relationship Larry has with me. But it doesn't make her less of a bitch she is.
"Larry didn't really liked me at the first place. H-he just agreed with my dad's deal about me so dad can continue the investigation for his mom but..."
Hinarap ko si Kuya Amschelle na umiigting na ang panga ngunit humahalo sa galit niyang mga mata ang sakit.
"W-we're already together for almost... two years... yet he hasn't fallen for me? His feelings were all fake from the start. Am I that naive to not notice how fake they were?"
"O talagang magaling lang siyang magpanggap na mahal na mahal niya ako kahit na sa iba naman niya talaga nararamdaman iyon?"
With those words coming out of me, I couldn't help but to sob quite louder because of how my heart started to clench in too much agony. It felt... Too real that I'd have to suffer in this kind of love that I didn't even desire of having.
How can he not love me for all the times he's been laughing at my naughtiness and looks at me endearingly as if I'm the only person he could ever look at that way?
"K-kuya, the girl I've been doubting the time we started dating... she's the one that he likes even before me."
I looked straight at Kuya Amschelle whose face are like cloud of thunderstorms. "S-she's the one that h-he truly likes that... t-that he's ready and had made a family with her" I cried and held my chest as it throbbed so bad.
Kuya Amschelle held me in his arms. Ang isang kamay ay nasa likod ko at ang isa ay hawak ang kamay kong nanginginig sa aking hita.
"You don't deserve this..." Matigas at nanginginig din niyang sabi habang pinipiga ang kamay ko.
"H-he said they're just friends! H-he said he doesn't like her anymore and that they stayed friends! But how can I believe that all now that... that he admitted that he didn't really like me from the start! How did he managed to make me believe to all his lies? Sa lahat ng katotohanang binigay ko sa kaniya, bakit niya ako nilunod sa mga pagpapanggap at kasinungalingan na hindi ko man alam kung paano ako aahon sa paniniwalang totoo ang mga iyon?!"
All that I want to do is to question all of this. Bakit kailangang magpanggap at magsinungaling sa akin?
What did I do to deserve all these fabricated feelings and dishonest love?
Is that the only thing I deserve?
"H-he made me look like a fool of his love! He made me a fool! He's making me hate myself for making me feel as if that's the only love I deserve!"
Kuya Amschelle could only hug and hush me down because I know he knows that this will never be okay. He can't just tell me that everythings gonna be fine because it's not. I can feel that from his eyes looking at me with nothing but sorrow.
"I can't let you off like this... You can't just let this slide, Adi" si Kuya Amschelle nang kumalma na ako mula sa pag-iyak.
I bowed my head. Ngunit agad ring umangat nang maramdaman ang hawak ni Kuya Amschelle sa aking baba at iangat iyon para maharap ko siya.
"You can't just be an angel all along, Adi. You can't be kind all the time. They will only deceive you once they see how weak you are to not fight back. Forgiveness don't bring you satisfaction. It's revenge that brings that"
My lips parted. I never knew it's all about that. I remembered what I did earlier with my things... The first thing I think of is to get even with them because of resentment.
And I think that is the only thing that matters to me now. To get even...
Or worse.
"I don't play nice" mahina kong sabi at tinignan si Kuya Amschelle nang matapang. "I'll do everything I can to make them feel the misery I felt."
Seryosong tumango si Kuya Amschelle. "The world is cruel. Don't let it ruin you more"
Hinatid na ako ni Kuya Amschelle sa kwarto ni Heirielle na aking pagtutulugan. He stand by the doorframe as I wander the place.
"May gusto ka bang pagawa sa akin?" He suddenly asked.
Nakarating ako sa vanity table. I looked at the mirror in front of me blankly. I see myself, eyes puffed from so much crying.
I can't let myself look this miserable. It should be them.
I took a hair tie from a container and tied my hair in a low bun; enough for my face to be seen fully. There, I saw eyes with so much pain that are meant to be hidden. 
Nilingon ko si Kuya Amschelle at nagsalita.
"Keep me undetected. Make them feel they lost me because that's what they did. I only want that"