"What happened? Alliyah?" gulong-gulo nitong tanong papalapit sa amin.
I remained looking at Larry. Pinagmasdan ko siya para hanapin ang butas na ginagawa sa kaniya ni Alliyah para lamang masira ang tingin ko sa kaniya.
Napunta si Larry sa harap ko at hinawakan ang magkabila kong balikat. Worry plastered on his face. "Are you okay? Bakit namumula ang mata mo?"
Hindi ako nagsalita at nanatiling nakatitig sa kaniya. Na para bang iyon lang ang kaya kong gawin pagkatapos tapunan ni Alliyah ng mga ideyang iniisip ko lamang na mga kasinungalingan. Kahit na pinaniniwalaan kong kasinungalingan lamang ang mga iyon, may parte sa akin na nasasaktan dahil hindi ko magawang tanongin si Larry tungkol sa mga iyon nang hindi naiisip na maaaring totoo ang mga iyon.
"Larry..." Alliyah spoke. Napatingin sa kaniya si Larry na kumunot lalo ang noo sa itsura niya. "Pagbigyan mo ako pero... sinabi ko na sa kaniya ang lahat"
Tinignan ko si Larry na naguguluhang nakatingin kay Alliyah. "Ang ano?"
Bumagsak ang mga luha ni Alliyah na agaran niyang pinalis. "Nasabi ko sa kaniya ang totoo, Larry. L-lahat. I'm sorry..." tsaka siya yumukong umiiyak.
I saw Larry froze. Natulala na para bang sa sinabi ni Alliyah ay may bumagsak na bomba sa kaniya. And that...
Confuses me more.
I held Larry's arm. "A-are those true, Larry? Tell me all that she said were lies" maingat kong tanong dito.
Larry didn't move. He remained looking straight. Pumunta ako sa harap niya at tiningala siya. Tears were pooling his eyes.
"Larry, answer me. She's just lying to me, right?" kunot noo kong tanong.
Unti-unting umusbong ang kaba sa akin. Why isn't he denying it? Bakit hindi siya nagsasalita?!
My chest began booming and my eyes started to heat more the longer I stand before Larry.
"L-larry? Tell me those were lies! Tell me that you're my boyfriend now because you love me!" I demanded but when he looked at me with so much sadness and guilt, it dawned on me.
"Adi..." hinawakan niya ang kamay ko. "Adi... minahal din naman kita"
"Kaya mo nga ako niligawan, 'd-di ba?" I tried to ease up the lump on my throat with a hopeful feeling.
But that piece of hope perished when he hugged me tight and begged me to forgive him.
"F-forgive me. I had n-no choice, Adi. I-I had to use you... I'm s-sorry... k-kailangan namin si M-mama sa buhay..." nanghihina niyang sabi.
Bumagsak ang mga kamay ko sa aking gilid. Ganoon na rin ang pagtigil ng paligid ko sa narinig. My heart suddenly stopped beating and all was left in me was...
Numbness.
"Lahat ng 'yon ay... totoo? All of this happened... because of you and... my dad?" mahina at nahihirapan kong sabi.
All this time... walang totoo sa pinapakita niya sa akin? Na ang lahat nang ito ay sa kadahilanang kailangan niya ng tulong ni Daddy?
Hindi ito umiling o tumango. He only asked for forgiveness.
"I'm sorry, forgive me, please" he whispered.
Tinulak ko siya palayo sa akin habang ang aking mga mata ay hindi makapaniwalang nakatingin sa kaniya na puno ng umaagos na luha.
"You... you lied to me! You lied to all of us!" I said as everything starts to sinks in.
I felt my heart clench the more I think all of this. We happened because he was forced to? Niligawan niya lang ako dahil kailangan? Not because he really loves me?
All this time, I thought all the love that I've been feeling was genuine and true! Tapos malalaman ko na pakitang tao lang ang lahat ng mga ito!?
Lumayo ako sa kaniya at naiiyak na tinignan siya. Larry looked at me with so much guilt and regret as if he didn't expect all of this to happen.
"Y-you lied! Lahat nang 'to, kasinungalingan? What did I even do to d-deserve this..." nahihirapan kong sabi at napahawak sa gilid ng sofa dahil pakiramdam ko ay babagsak ako sa sobrang panghihina.
Everything sinks in. Na para bang lahat ng mga 'to ay dapat ko nang asahan dahil wala naman talagang matibay na ebidensyang ginusto niya ako simula una pa lang. I remembered the letter... he almost deny it that time pero binaliwala ko dahil iniisip kong gusto niya ako noon dahil sa mga motibo niyang pinapakita...
Umangat ang tingin ko kay Larry na nakatingin lamang sa akin na para bang sa paraang iyon ay malulunasan niya ang sinira niya sa akin.
"You made me believe that you're in love with me! That we love each other! You made a fool out of me, Larry! You fuckin' betrayed me!"
His silence hurts me more. It simply means that... he takes all the responsibility for my wreckage caused by him.
"All I gave you was genuine love! I loved you, Larry! I loved you thinking that you love me, too! Tapos malalaman ko na wala palang katotohanan sa lahat nang ito pwera sa mga binibigay ko? You..." I broke down. My tears just don't stop on flowing.
It hurts like hell but I kept myself strong because I don't know what will happen if the pain swallows me fully.
Gustong-gusto kong ilabas lahat ng hinanakit at galit ngayon sa kaniya!
"You've been lying all this time! You fucking lie just to make yourself happy with that agreement with my father? Napagago mo, Larry!"
"Ginago mo ako!"
Nasasaktan man ako, nangibabaw naman ang awa ko para sa sarili. He made a fool out of me and me, who's living with his love, didn't even realize it! Pinagmukha niya akong tangang baliw na baliw sa kaniya tapos siya itong puro kasinungalingan ang binibigay sa akin!
He go easy on me because he saw how thirsty I am for love. I hate myself for letting him do that to me!
I left with so much pain that I don't even think of those who'll see me in devastation. I hurriedly went to the elevator. Halos hindi ko pa mapindot nang maayos ang ground level sa sobrang panginginig at sakit na nararamdaman. I held on the metal railing around the elevator at doon kumapit dahil halos mangatog ang mga binti ko sa pag-iyak.
I... I didn't expect this to happen. Or even thought of it at all dahil sobra-sobra pa sa inaasahan kong pagmamahal ang makikita ko kay Larry. Then out of the blue, hindi naman pala siya totoo?! Hindi naman niya talaga akong ginustong mahalin at napilitan lamang?!
Tangina, I don't deserve this! I even let myself feel pathetic and mortified just to keep him to me! Kasi ayaw ko siyang may nakikitang iba pwera sa akin!
"Ma'am? Ayos lang po ba kayo? Ma'am!" Tawag sa akin ng nabangga kong staff habang papalabas ng elevator.
Tumakbo lamang ako hanggang sa makalabas. I bit my lips to hold back the new batch of tears that want to drown me more. My vision was a blurr lalo na't patuloy lamang ang aking pagkatakbo nang hindi tinitignan kung saan patungo.
What is it in me that deprived me to not be loved without any complicated reason? Am I that hard to love? Bakit kailangan pa nila akong pagsinungalingan?!
Para na nilang pinaglaruan ang nararamdaman ko! They made a fool out of me!
All I thought is that he's madly in love with me just the way I am to him tapos malalaman kong wala naman pala talaga siyang nararamdaman sa akin?! Na kapag natapos na ang usapan nila ni Daddy ay iiwan na niya ako?!
Tapos ngayon, may anak na siya sa putanginang nauna niyang babae?!
A loud honk almost deafened me as I felt an impact on my sides. Bahagya akong bumagsak sa sahig sa pagbangga sa akin ng isang sasakyan.
Napatingin ako sa nakabangga sa akin at mabilis na lumabas ang driver noon. He's in uniform at halatang driver ng isang mayamang tao.
"Ay jusko, Miss! Bakit hindi ka tumitingin sa dinadaanan mo?! Naku, may masakit ba sa'yo?" Iritado ngunit nag-aalala nitong tanong at inalalayan akong tumayo.
Sinuri niya ang katawan ko at napansin ang maliit na galos sa aking hita. "Naku, Miss! Pasensya ka na. Bakit ba kasi hindi ka tumitingin sa daan?! Umiiyak ka ba?" Biglang nagbago ang mood nito nang makita ang luhaan kong mukha.
Someone from the car came out at ganoon na lamang ang pagkagulat ko nang makita kung sino iyon. He has the same shocked expression as mine but his looks more worried than shocked.
"Adi..." Dalo niya sa akin.
I immediately hugged him upon reaching me. "Kuya..." I cried and clung unto him.
"Are you hurt? Dadalhin muna kita sa ospital" he demanded with so much worry.
Mabilis akong umiling at sa kagustuhang ilayo niya, umiyak ako lalo. "N-no... Just take me away, Kuya. Take me away..." I almost begged.
Hinagod niya ang likod ko at tumango. "Okay, I will. But you need to be treated, Adi--"
"Just take me away! Kuya, Please!"
Gusto ko munang lumayo dahil hindi ko alam ang magagawa ko kapag nakita ko sila. O kung sino mang kasali sa gulong ito dahil hindi ko sila kayang tignan habang nasasaktan ako nang ganito. They betrayed and made a fool out of me!
"Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry..." He whispered and helped me get in the car. Nang makapasok ay agad niyang sinenyasan ang driver at umandar na ang sasakyan.
Sumandal ako sa ulo ng upuan at napatitig sa kawalan. Pinipigilan kong isipin ang mga masasaya kong ala-ala kasama si Larry dahil kahit gaano pa kaganda ang mga iyon, wala ring silbi dahil ako lang ang may totoong nararamdaman sa aming dalawa.
He fucking pretended that he's happy and in love with me while there's me whose every feeling I felt him with was all true. I never fake my feelings or pretend with him!
"Are you okay? Tell me, what's wrong? Adi, who hurt you?" May diin at galit niyang sabi sa huling sinabi na para bang iyon lang ang dahilan para masaktan ako nang ganito.
My lips quivered as I face Kuya Amschelle whose face were dark but his worry dominates his daunting appearance.
"Kuya, it hurts so much..." Nanginginig kong bulong at suminghot nang rumagasa ang sunod-sunod kong mga luha.
Kuya Amschelle pulled me closer to him and hugged me tight. I felt him kissed my head as I cry silently against his shoulder.
"No one will hurt you anymore. I promise you that." Matigas niyang sabi habang hinahaplos ang aking ulo.
Siguro'y sa pagod kakaiyak, mabilis akong nakatulog. Nagising na lamang noong naramdaman kong wala na akong katabi at ang driver na lamang sa harap ang aking kasama.
Lumunok ako at agad na napadaing nang maramdaman ang hapdi ng lalamunan. Ramdam ko rin ang pamamaga ng aking mga mata sa kakaiyak.
Luminga ako at nakita sa labas ng bintana na nasa isang malayong bahagi na kami ng sa tingin ko'y probinsya pa rin namin.
Napansin ng driver na gising na ako kaya naman napatingin ako rito nang magsalita ito.
"Lumabas saglit si Sir Amschelle, Ma'am Adi." Anito.
Tumingin ulit ako sa labas. "Can I go out po?"
"Eh sasamahan po kita, Ma'am" anito na ikinatango ko na lamang kaya naman binuksan ko na ang pinto at lumabas.
Sinalubong ako ng usok sa aking gilid kung saan may nagtitinda ng barbeque. Bahagya akong lumayo lalo na't naubo na ako sa buga nito sa akin.
I saw the driver taking out some cigarettes kaya naman nagtakip na agad ako ng ilong. Napansin niya ito kaya naman lumayo pa ito saglit para buksan ang kaniyang sigarilyo.
Napahawak ako sa bawat braso. Panandaliang nawala sa aking isipan ang nangyari and thinking about it right now, I can no longer the pain I was feeling earlier.
What I feel now was resentment. I don't even care if they're sorry or regretful. Ginago nila ako.
Ginago nila ako at pinaglaruan ang nararamdaman ko. They deserve no chance of acceptance from me for what they did to me. My intentions and feelings were pure and all they return me was feigned matter of bullshits?
Then they deserve a lifetime grief and remorse for wrecking me like this.
Bumalik sa akin ang driver at nagpaalam na bibili saglit ng lighter dahil naubusan ng karga ang kaniya. I took the chance to find a secluded or very suspicious place to bluff a captivation.
I took out my phone and wallet. Luminga ako sa paligid para makita kung may nakakakita ba sa aking gagawin. Nang mapansing wala nang dumadaan ay inilagay ko roon ang aking phone at wallet. Making sure I left all the things that might trace where I am.
I'm with Kuya Amschelle. No one knew where in Tenebres the Venganzaras live. No one will find where I am. Venganzaras are recluse and no one will ever think that I'm with them.
And I'll make sure they'll suffer in so much guilt until they couldn't take it anymore.
They hurt me, they'll suffer in misfortune. I'll fight back in the shadows.
Bumalik ako sa sasakyan at ilang minuto lang ay sumunod na rin ang driver at si Kuya Amschelle na may dalang first aid kit.
"The line was long. Sorry at natagalan" si Kuya Amschelle nang nasa biyahe na at nililinis ang galos ko sa aking hita.
I smiled timidly then hissed when it ached. Kuya muttered a small sorry and continued to clean my wound gently.
Napunta ang tingin ko kay Kuya Amshelle. He doesn't look like he's from work at kung from work man, galing pa siyang America!
"When did you get home, Kuya?" I asked after he puts a bandage around my wound.
He leaned back and smiled. "Ngayon lang. Susunod sila next week at nauna lang ako ngayon..." Aniya.
Bahagya akong nagulat. "Bakit hindi kayo magsasabing uuwi kayo?"
Kuya Amschelle chuckled deeply and reach for my hair to fix it. "I can't tell..."
I smiled and nodded. Natahimik kami. Napatingin ako sa labas ng bintana at nakitang malayo na kami sa Nouvaunde dahil napapalibutan na kami ng bulubundukin at palayan.
"So..."
Napatingin ako kay Kuya Amschelle na iba na ang tingin. He looks curious and worried at the same time.
"Can you tell me why you ran away?"
My heart boomed as if it's on queue to remember the reason why I'm here with him; running away from those who hurt me.
I closed my eyes when they started to swell. Memories with Larry flashed on my mind as if those were the reasons why I'm here now.
What I hate the most is that the times that I was the happiest were the times that he was pretending!
I just don't get it why! Bakit kailangan pang patagalin nang ganito para malaman na niloloko lang pala niya ako? Nila ako?!
Bakit kailangan pa nilang gawin sa akin 'to para lang mapabuti ako tulad ng iniisip nila?
Sa tingin ba nila, magiging maayos ang lagay ko kapag kasama ko ang taong gusto ko pero napipilitan lang sa'kin?!
Do I really need someone who only pretend he's in love with me just so I can be happy?
"Can I not yet, Kuya?" Mahina kong sabi.
I felt how my breathing rigged with all the emotions trying to fight over me.
I felt Kuya Amschelle's hand on my head and the other on my back. He leaned me against him. "I don't like it when you're hurting like his..." Matigas at halos sumugat ang sakit sa kaniyang boses.
"I don't like it, too, Kuya. I just don't get it why they had to hurt to be like this..." Halos iyak ko nang sabi.
I started to sob silently again. Sa kabila man ng galit at kagustuhang gumanti agad sa kanila, hindi kaya ng sarili ko dahil nanunuot sa akin ang katotohanang nagawa nila akong lokohin at gaguhin. How this truth hurts more than a pile of hurtful lies.
Maybe because I can't turn this over to see what it truly means because it's already the truth. It wasn't even denied to make me feel better or at least, make me okay with a lie!
Pero hindi! It was like a bomb dropped at me without a warning! Without an expected reason or a foreword that this was all requisited!
Iniisip ko pa lang ang mga panahong masayang-masaya ako at nagmamahal, gustong-gusto ko nang pagsisihan. Anong iniisip niya habang nakikita akong ganoon? Na gumagana ang plano nilang pagmukhain akong tanga?
I will never understand why they had to do this to me! Bakit kailangan pa nila gawin sa akin iyon?
I will never, ever forgive them. The way they threw me under the bus just to fucking make theirselves happy?
I will fight back until they feel what I felt. I will make them feel that they just killed me because of their selfishness.
I will trap them in their own shadows and let the thorns prick them until they bleed in misery. I'll make sure of that.