(aut inveniam viam aut faciam)
This is very bad. I harshly tapped the tabs, the keys of my laptop. It was logging and I have to pass the document. I need the review in 3 days. This is heinous too for my Mom.
“Why are so caught up in doing that huh? What's with that?” She was staring at the screen angrily. Before she shook her head. She gave me the flash of a disappointment look before her eyes went stoic. “You're wasting your time on that. How about you go to sleep instead? It's already 11:00.” Her head turned at the clock.
I stared at it too. For me I thought I still have 1 hour before I wrapped my work and go to bed. My eyes went back to my mom. “You're really wasting your time.” She commented before she went to the stairs.
I ignored her comment and continued to stare at the screen. This has to work now. I need to pass this because the earlier the better. I need to see whether this document is accepted or not. I need the review of my superior. I also need the green light for myself and to prove my mother that she was wrong into thinking that what I was working is a waste of time and that it was worthless. I tapped the enter key again and I patiently waited for my laptop to stop lagging and be back to its original smooth working condition.
I was happy when I what I sent was accepted. I was so happy that I even told my mother. She in fact was very stoic and also was quick to make another formulated judgement about what I was working on.
“You think you can have money on what you're doing? You know Chelten that what matters is being compensated for money. That you can have money with projects.” She was shaking her had again. And I received another look of disappointment from my own mother.
“You're so focus on that. But you don't get money for what you're doing?” She threw another question on me.
I wasn't sure if I'll tell her that I'll have money too. She shook her head in disbelief. “You're just wasting your time child. Stop it.”
I won't because this opportunity matters to me. This is important to me. This is my dream. My dream when I was younger and if I get this it will bring me so much fulfillment. This will make me happy and I will not stop.
I wanted to tell her that but instead fell into entertaining silence. I can no longer argue. She's a harsh critic. And if she'll started throwing me her harsh criticism I can only cry in return. And I don't want to see me cry. She will crumble eggshells on my way again and I have to tip my feet to walk through it. Nothing hurts me more but the harshness of my mother's word.
She sees my passion as an obstruction. She was quick to dispelled the hope I have in my voice whenever I talk about my passions, passionately. I love song it. With it I feel free. I am free to express myself without holding me back. There's no one to judge me when I am doing it because I am doing it alone. But she loved to meddle with it and what's worse is she's being too meddlesome that her words had a very heavy effect on me.
I felt discourage. Instead of being so encouraging that she can help me and inspire me with her words in a positive way. She'll use her harsh mouth instead in making comments that make me feel bad to continue doing what I am doing.
My uncle is no help either. He too was too hyper critical towards what I was working on. They even conspired on being each other's helper to make me feel bad one time. They were exchanging comments and most of the words only meant the same that what I was doing is a piece of shit and that I should stop it.
But when I love something, I truly love it. I cannot deny the drive, what made me force myself into lengths just to have what I want. Eventually I got tired and I stopped minding them. The two of them got tired too. I did not waste my time on dwelling about the hurt I received. And instead, I push myself to finish what I started. I wanted this right? So I have to get this done regardless of what happens to my everyday life.
There were obstacles too. There were days where I felt like I am giving it up that I will stop doing it anymore. But there's always something great that happens me that surprised myself too.
One time I got tired of not getting the result that I wanted that the exhaustion from not receiving what you hoped for took a toll on me. I get in bed feeling tired.
“I feel like I'll stop now, Lord. I don't wanna do this anymore.” I whispered why I was praying. It was the truth that I felt within me that time. I really wanted to give it up. I even told myself that I'll stop it unfinished and that I couldn't work on it anymore. I was even convinced in accepting the comments that once had bothered me a lot. That I was wasting my time and what I was doing is not worth something great.
The negativity was clouding me that much back then that it was immovable to push away from my head. I took a step back from the distraction that I redirected my energy into forgetting about the project for a while. It was my passion projects that I don't want to do it because I was feeling negative. I don't want to ruin the drive that made me started because the feeling came in so purely that I don't want to ruin it what I was feeling. I redirected myself into doing other things.
Until a miracle was present one day. I believed with it and considered it as a blessing. More miracles came after that. It's because I believed. I was grateful for my stubbornness because it lead me to having this experience. It started as an idea. At first it was hard to make things happen. My stubbornness, the will that I have in me kept me steady. I really wanted to give it a try back then.
This is what I had as a thought; I shall either find a way, or make one. (aut inveniam viam aut faciam)
And with I did find a way and was able to make the way paved me into something greater than I ever imagined.