“He will never know what he lost. Because let's be honest he never knew what he had.”
You can never choose when you're afraid. He was afraid. Afraid of choosing me. Afraid of his battle scars, afraid of himself, afraid of people that will question his decision. It stops him from taking the chance.
He's amazing. I am too. We're both saw each other as equals at some point of our life. But are the feelings really enough? It takes both parties together, to make it work. But what if he's afraid, and trying to run. While I chase, trying to make it fun. It's never goibg to work out. When the dynamic is like this.
We're playing the game of chess, each served as a sacrificial lamb to ace the game. I wouldn't want o sacrifice him? But is he willing to gamble to do the same thing too even though he wants o win?
The end didn't end well. He gave me up, I got fired and got tired. It just sad that I thought we're on the same page, we're on the same thing. It's just a waste.
For nights, I let myself reflect. At days, I deflect because I already instructed my brain and my heart that I am not into him anymore. But at times, especially during nighttimes. I still question myself of the possibilities and what would happen if we both too a submerge ourselves into the deep waters, that is our feelings.
I wanted to be free. I wanted him to be free. But why, why do we have to chain ourselves into each other's lives only to hit each other with heartaches in return?
“Love me. I can't afford to lose you. Please, if you can only love me back we will be happy. We can make it work. We can be happy.” It was him. These words were from him.
“I love you. But I feel like there's nothing left to say anymore. I already gave up on us. What I only feel is sympathy. Sympathy for you, because what you're feeling and what you're going through was the same thing I had gone through.” This was from her. And she's telling the truth.
“You can't afford to lose me, or are you afraid of losing?” She fired another one. “You were someone who is always like that. You were like that in the beginning. You sight the love I have for you and it made you feel like you have the upper hand. That you can control me. You did really used it. But now— now that I'm gone. You wanted me back?”
She opened herself to speak again. “I have longed for you, for years. It's been what? 3 years going on 4? Nothing happened. Nothing progressed. You left and I have to gave myself the closure I wanted to have from you.”
He never said anything. He just couldn't.
I think it's just a mere manipulation, to act like that. We're great competitors, we're also great lovers. What's the point of loving someone when you secretly vouched for their pain and suffering? What's the point of acting like you wanted to listen but you're listening to something that you van use to clap back when things are tough? I never understand that logic, that reasoning. What's the point of all of that emotions if you can never put it into greatness? What's the point of being the best when you wanted to hurt someone just you can feel that you're on the top?
“Why you have to go through all of that? What you have to exhaust yourself like that? When you could've just stop? And lean into your strengths, and to be your own competitor?” I wanted to say these to him. But I also don't want to hurt him. It's an irony. Something that shows polarities.
“But I have to better. I have to be honest and be careful about how I deal with my life right now. And one thing I wanted to have is a man, who's a warrior, a warrior that embodies the light instead of darkness. When another knight comes, I hope it's someone who is a powerful force of action, protection, and divinity. Someone who can can talk about conviction and implement it. Someone who is a champion of strength and goodness. He must reflect God's holiness, is righteous, beautiful, and awe-inspiring. Someone who will love to see me win and help me win my battles instead of giving me nightmares and plunging daggers in my heart. That's my man. And it's not you.” And I can wait until he comes around. This it's real, that I don't want to start another chapter with him. I can close chapter. I can free myself. And I know it will free him too.
We have to lose each other. So we can grow and become better. And if someday, he'll come back embodying the traits I wanted him to be. Then we can give each other a chance. And if he couldn't, then it's also good. I pray that God will always take care of me, especially during dealings of the heart. And I pray that God will give me a great man, this time around.
Someone who is afraid to lose to me. Someone who will fight for me. Someone who will cheer for me. Someone who can love me, tenderly and with full passion. Someone who will stand by my side, to help me fight the tides, the ebbs and flows. Someone who will stand strong. Someone who is also embodies qualities like mine. Because what I have been seeking for, is an equal.
I don't know if he did really felt what I felt. I don't know if he really knew what he lost. And I can never really tell if he's telling the truth. Because I've seen things, and I no longer stayed the same. He never cared at what was given to him during the initial stages, he can't really know what he lost because he never took it in the first place.