To forgive and forget
“The ache is still here. I cannot forgive them.” I was like that until the desire to ruin another person became potent. At one point in my life, I became vengeful. I liked the idea of me becoming a villain.
My eighteenth birthday was supposed to be a celebration filled with fun interactions from the people invited. It was supposed to be my turn to be happy without feeling anything toxic. It's supposed to be really good and nice, and all things bright, beautiful. But I wasn't feeling that way and I didn't see things that way, because there's something that was wrong with me during the day that I turned 18.
“Should I really do this? I don't want to dance with my father. Let's just forget about him. And let's carry on with writing invitations for other guests.” My family members groaned at my words. Looks of pity, confusion, and a glaring look were on the mix when they stared at me.
“Your own father. You wouldn't invite your own father, Claire?” Aghast. Complaining about why I won't invite my own father.
I ignored the look he gave me. Turned my head and did my thing. I stared at my reflection in front of my mirror. And I look good. I looked different. It's because I turned different.
“Let's not talk about this anymore. My decision is final.” My eyes were still on the mirror though. I looked at him through it. I'm tired to lean my head towards him when it's easier this way. It's more convenient for me. And I can look at my face immediately when I'm done staring at him.
I brushed my cheeks with my face powder. Put more color on my cheeks. Once I got the look I am aiming for, I then turned my head. “Let's just not invite him, shall we? Or do I need to beg?” I turned back, added the rouge lipstick on my lip. I ran the thing on my mouth, took my time to appreciate the color. This color is me. This color represents the woman I have become.
Red is my color. I love it so much that I decided I'll used it as my color palette for my 18th birthday party. Red.
Red is amazing. It's power. It's boldness, fierceness, it represents the ability of a woman to become strong, lethal, just like her equal but it also shows that it still carries her feminine traits. I dabbed the lipstick more on my mouth. I really like this. The look of protest can be seen through his eyes but I ignored him. He can't do anything. He can't even protest. He can't stop me. I can feel the rebellion. The venom is slowly getting better flowing within me. And they can't stop me. I'll do what I want, because I can. And they shouldn't stop me. Anyone who will try to stop me will receive my biggest surprise, eradication.
My mom can only glare. I smiled at at her. She's the one who said that I'll have my freedom now. And that she'll no longer intervene and get on my way. I smiled even wider.
“I thought you hate him? But what change? Why should we invite the person who made your life miserable?” I asked. He didn't make my life miserable because growing up I accepted it earlier, that my father is gone. He's away. He couldn't fight for us. He couldn't fight for her child. He couldn't fight the objections of his family. He just accepted his fate even though he could do better. He's man. He's capable of being a warrior. It's sucks, he gave into being incapable.
My mom did not reply. She finally had this look that her child isn't the same child anymore. But there's no single look in her face of not wanting to accept it. She just flows with it. She accepted her daughter's shedding of skin. She did not get in the way.
The man I love! Why is with men disappointing me in those past years of my life? It started with my father. But did I blame him? I didn't blame him for other guy's incompetence. I blamed the guy. I loathed him.
“When he comes back around, which I know he will. I will break his heart. I'll make him go through the same hurt he put me into.” I vowed. The look of horror came from my sister, which I don't mind. Because in my mind, I wanted to get even. I wanted to destroy him. I wanted to get back at him. I'll make him suffer the consequences of hurting my heart. He sneaked, going to the enemies camp. While me, I did the opposite. I plunged the dagger. I betrayed him in front of his face. I did not go behind his back. I attacked him just like a snake would when it bites anyone.
I was happy when I hurt him. I had the satisfaction. The desire was completely used into fulfilling my revenge. I was happy when he went through the same stages of grief that I went through too. I was happy when I saw the hurt in his eyes, the way he looked defeated because I just poured the same thing he did to me. I felt settled. My 18th self was like that.
But it suddenly took its turn. My anger slowly faded. It melted. And the once vengeful self changed into someone who became good. The war was over. And suddenly I found myself wanting to let go of those bundle of pains I collected because they were too heavy too carry. I added more hurt because I couldn't forgive.
Forgiveness came. But still I couldn't forget. It still lingered. But the vengeance was gone, it dissipate. And I'm fine now. I'm slowly rebuilding the structures I ruined for myself. And started to build new ones. My mother was right after all. It's hard to wake up each day having hatred in your heart eating you, corrupting you. She was right that it's a burden. It's because I couldn't forgive and kept looking towards what happened that I failed to turn my head to the things that were great for me.
But I am the type of person who never stays the same. I also changed. I became another different person too. And I no longer care for the same things I once cared for.
“I'm proud of your progress.” He said it as he stared at my eyes through the mirror.
I smiled back at him. He's blue. And I am red. Totally on different sides, but came together to create some type of masterpiece. It's because of these two colors, the fusion turned into something greater. Violet came. And violet had such a great reputation towards humans.
“Your villain era is gone. You're now a graceful swan. A white swan.” He smiled proudly as he slowly attached the necklace on my neck. He kissed my cheek before held on my chin to made it turn towards him.
“I'm happy you forgave me. I'm happy that it's still us.” He stared intently before dipping his head to drop a kiss on my rouge-stained mouth.