Solitude isnt loneliness. Solitude is when the entire serene universe seems to hold you quietly.
—Victoria Erickson
Reading a good book, sipping a good drink, laying into a relaxing state to enjoy your own company, it's what I love. And it's what I wanted to continue to persist within me. Relationships are sometimes draining, and I learned to love my own company. I learned to be alone, and I enjoyed. I have been used to living life that way, and now that I put myself back in the real world, uncertainty kicked in.
My mother said it's a defence mechanism, isolating yourself when you were bormbarded by the weight of the problems you've dealt with externally. She's right, and she's not wrong with it. But for me, it's what I need. It's something that helped me a lot.
“So, how was it? Do you have friends now from the organization?” I placed my backpack and heaved a sigh. The day left me exhausted and worn out. And my mom is asking me whether I made friends with the people.
“I do talked with a few of them. But I still haven't found friends.” I stated. It's simple. Because I one, I do not wish to do some sugar-coating. And two, I do not want to lie.
“It'll probably take some time. Just do what you need to do, and you knew about that already Alice. You know what you can do to make friends.” She answered.
I wanted to tell her, I was having a hard time. The adjustment was such a rude wake up call that literally shook me up, especially my nerves. Because showing up into the real world alone and without having someone beside you is both a thrill and a scary moment.
Solitude, is what I love. And most people do not understand how I withdraw from the world in order to gain that, in order to keep my self composed. I am not someone who's overly-friendly, most of the time I can live life with just myself. I lived the kind of life, I was so used to that. Being so used to something that it becomes a habit. A habit a cultivated because of the realities I have been into.
The dark night ease my soul. The stars above shed happiness towards me as it twinkled its luminance. When I look at a star, I also remember the Sun. The Sun is have such a great assistance towards Earth because without it, the Earth's inhabitants cannot see the light. And all they can have around them is a looming darkness. I wanted to be the sun though, but the moon... The moon has depths. The moon is me. And I wonder, when will I'll be able to be like the sun. The stars shine unapologetically. They twinkle in the sky, unstoppable.
Looking far away, away from the near fractions and looking at something grandiose, staring at something that I can conquer. My solitude, in my Solitude I am at peace. There's no harsh beatings of my heart, I am free from all of the distracting noises of the world aronnd me. And in my solitude, the Universe and I are in deep conversation. I am cradled by the love, my entire being is bring cradled by the frequency of stillness and tranquil.
A gentle breeze pass, and I took a deep inhalation of air. Freedom awaits. An adventure, a trail is open. The path awaits. My dreams aren't rare, I can go big. I can dream big. I can make it happen. In solitude, I can think of all of these things. And in me, I have no doubt that I can make it all happen. The belief is there, I believed myself. There's no doubt, no hushes from people. In my solitude, I can dream for myself. And these dreams came from my heart.
I do not looked for the external validation from external sources. It's unfortunate that I have gone through people pleasing stages, and ut has to end. I can no longer tolerate passing things and people that aren't worth it. I wanted more from life. And the day I decided that I wanted more from my life, is the day I changed my life too.
I do not want to pretend. I do opt want to mask. I wanted to be free.
“Why dove?” He asked. “Don't you have any other birds in mind?”
I shook my head. “I cannot think of any bird species right now. My mind just Illy focuses on them.” My eyes went towards the flock of doves that settled themselves at the top of the roof of my neighbor's house. "You know, dove is a symbol of hope, a brighter tomorrow.
It's just like what happened in Noah's ark.”
We both smiled. It's a lovely tale indeed. The Bible has so many great stories to tell, fascinating ones. Tales where you can learn an amazing lesson.
“So, got any plans for this weekend?” His eyes were glowing again.
“You're always the kind that is up for something?” I chuckled lightly after u said it. “You know that you're like a bird.” Free to soar, to spread wings, and to go whenever he wants to.
“For me, you're a bird too.” He eyed the doves this time. His gaze lingered for a bit before he gentle nudged his chin and stare at my eyes. “You can spread your wings. You can go far and wide. You're free, Cazini.”
I smiled at him. "I am not quite sure about that. I don't feel like myself these days.”
His mouth moved. “You'll get out of this, you'll get better. You will be better.”
“Thanks for checking my condition. I definitely needed a friend to talk to right now.” I have been needing someone with a presence that is like a gentle caress. Although I love my solitude, deep down I am also searching for someone who embodies a peaceful solace. Someone who loves the same thing, someone who loves solitude.