“Truth is, is that we can always deny what we feel, suppress the softness of our souls and find solace with a fake apathy when we are alone.”
—Sant Bibliophile
I'm tired of going into circles, feelings my emotions, and the spiral of overthinking thrown inside my mind. I wanted to end it. I wanted to feel numb. To not feel anything, might be the greatest gift I can received for now. Maybe it's because, I feel too much. I also think too much. And it's becoming unbearable, it's breaking me. That I hope for it to end.
“I don't think I can do this. Do you really think this path if for me?” I asked. I felt rushed. I don't understand. I have been trying to run away from this but why do I ended up treading it anyway?
“If it's for me, then it'll bring me peace. But why does it make me feel troubled?” I was waiting for the answer. Waiting for the Heavens to provide me with the clarity that I needed. I waited, and I am still waiting to have it.
“Why did you choose it?” The woman pried the question. And I think of all of the ways I can say something good. But deep down, I am still confused.
The refusal to accept the reality hit me hard. I have been living with the dreams I have in my head, it kept me from pushing to go through my day to day life. It helped me survived. It helped me thrived. I was able to live life because of the dreams I have in my head. But now that I wasn't able to go through the path that I wished to be aligned with, the only thing I wanted is to be redirected. And be placed back into a path of alignment.
Because what's the point of going through something, if it isn't for you? Because why do you have to push through into something that isn't going to make you feel alive?
I have been living life in my own lens, taking the role of being an observer. I have been watching the world function, and I too functioned with the world. But the matrix isn't for me. I wanted to be out. Because I have been living my life in an autopilot, I have been moving, pushing through every circumstances of the life I barely even chose for me.
I didn't choose this life. And now I wanted to live the life i choose for myself. I have been struggling for so long. I wanted it to end. Denial can bring you in a trance of numbness, in a state of acting rock-solid, unswayed by the influence of the world especially in its indifference.
I felt too much. Crying become a common act. It went through for ages. It went through stages. It was hard to cry. The aftermath of being in that state... I do not wished for it to continue. That is when I tried to suppressed the feelings and emotions from my soul. I tried to numb my emotions. And incorporate more logic, to function with my mind. To ignore the feelings, we can always do that. We can choose to do that. But we're humans, and choosing to deny what you feel is something that we couldn't do for so long.
Suppressing the softness of the soul, is something I tried to do. And even until now, it's something I am still doing. I do not wished to be vulnerable again. I do not wished people to know what my weaknesses are. Maybe it's because of my wounds. I have been in the road of betrayals and disappointments for so long, that I wished for my heart, my soul to be hardened. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a warrior. I fought so many battles. I won and I also lose. But the thing is, when you've been fighting hard just to get through life, just to make it through the day. You barely have space for the things, that nourishes the softness of your soul, the part of you that is filled with grace. The part that can also balance the aspect of you, who's used to fighting.
When you're used to the pain, you'll probably eased yourself with the thought that; “It's just life, get through it.” I have been through that. I did that. But I am so tired, so exhausted from having to live a life like that. I wanted softness. I wanted stability. I do not want to care much, because I don't want to be all out there only to forget myself. I wanted to choose myself. I am choosing myself. And even now, I still wanted to wake up and be able to think that I still got it, that I can still choose myself. I do not wish to provide love for something or someone who couldn't give me the love in return. I do not wished to pour only to have emptiness in return. I do not wished to look for hom into something or someone that isn't what I am longing for.
Faking apathy, is what I am also good at. It's a self-soothing act, it's something I grew comfortable with. Because the past, the past was filled with apathy even when I hoped for sympathy. I didn't receive what I wanted, so I stopped wanting it. It's funny though, because deep down I wanted people thst care. I wanted genuineness instead of ingenuity. I wanted sympathy instead of fakeness. Deep down I wanted to live a life that is easy. Life is hard already, I do not wished to be the sole bearer of causing my own detriment.
I wanted to move forward, choosing something that is good for me. I have been wishing, praying, to make my life a little easier, a little better. And I still don't know if the Heavens get the my messages.
(“I wanted to live a life worth living, so please let me live a life worth living.”)