“You are the kind of ache
That never really left,
Resurfacing every time
A trigger has been pressed.”
“I'll miss him. I'll forever miss him.” When my lover died, something in me died too. I was never ever the same when be left this world.
Cruel reality. When Shin left, a part of me died. I was never the same Ania anymore.
“Why aren't you eating? You're the walk ng epitome of all skin and bones right now. Do you even eat three times a day?” She's trying to hard. But I don't need to hear all of her blatant condensending tone.
“I'm dieting.” I pushed the food away. “I call this detoxification.” I said to her. She doesn't know what will I have to say to her next, and this is the thrill I am living for. “I have to go into a detoxification process, so I can get rid of the toxins in my system.”
I sipped the water, as the rim of the glass reached my lips a polished smile slowly appeared. “I have to get rid of toxins, those toxic substances. Toxic people. People like you.” A smile of victory came before I placed the glass back on the table and stared at her with full triumph.
“Let's end this shall we? Now that Shin is gone, we don't need to pretend. I think it's best for us to part ways. To end our affiliations. It's time for us to get out of each other's lives. Your brother is now dead. I don't think I need to try further in trying to please your family with my personality.”
My sister in law, with her eyes filled with the rising blaze of anger and mouth gaping openly. The only thing that's missing with that shocked in her face is a fly passing by. Oh how I wished there's a flying insect right now!
I shook my head, slowly taking my time basking the continuous slow motion of the disappointing shaking of my head at her. “So, ciao?” I stood from my seat, taking my leave. I walked with my chin held high, lifting it proudly before I prance my way out of the exit door. What a pesky little bitch!
I was hurting inside but I won't let them have their own satisfaction. I'll have my way out of this. What do I do now? I grew accustomed, comfortable with Shin by my side and now he's gone. Forever.
My best friend. The man I also learned to love despite the fact that we started a loveless marriage with a fixed plan of arrangements for both parties to deal with. It was brought by our own parents agreement, something we don't know. It was a proposal to protect our legacy, our future, our abundant rich lives.
How did it all come so fast? It seems like it was only yesterday since our first meeting. He was looking like a proper gentleman of the middle ages. He looks handsome. He was in his red tuxedo. While I was wearing a red dress. The moment we both laid our eyes to each other, we both know that our lives won't end in disaster.
I love Shin but I don't like his family. He doesn't like mine either. But he showed my parents enough respect which I loved the most. My father and I once had a talked one evening about him. And all I can ever say was, I was glad that he's husband.
.
“He couldn't showed disrespect but not even once he showed up with such mannerism in front of you.” I honestly told my father. I am open, my father is also like that too. We can both openly talked about anything, unlike like Mom who is hard to deal with.
.
“That is when I know, we chose the right man for you.” Father had this approving look on his face. He took a whiff of his cigar. For many times I told him I don't want him to die with cancer on the lungs. But he pushed the thought away. He said that it won't be the reason of his death.
I gently create a wave using my hands, gently. Pushing the smoke away while I was holding off myself from breathing. “Papa, your body has enough nicotine already. When will you quit smoking?” I never failed to exclaim my point, but Papa already grinned and took the full bottle of vodka to bring into his mouth. He drank the liquid, like it was water.
I massaged the bridge of my nose upon seeing him. Nicotine and alcohol, dangerous combination for the health.
And now Shin died, as well as my beloved father. Two amazing men passed away. I'm alone and my father left my Mom. My heart hurt for a second. I wasn't able to ask Mama, whether she's still hurting.
Trying to delude my pain doesn't work. Trying to hide the pain doesn't make it less painful. It grows. Every single day. But I think I am doing a great thing at hiding it because I still look like I preserve my glory for not not looking like I was grieving at the death of my husband. But behind close doors, mask fell always. I am crying. I am hurting. And I am wishing that I was with him too the moment he died during the night when his car crash.
I'm doing good. But whenever Shin's name is mentioned that is when another jump of ache is felt inside my chest. He never truly left. He's still a part of me. He's in still in my life. But a part of myself was gone. A part of me died. It was never seen again. And I don't even think of trying to revive that part of me that died too, just like Shin.
I placed white lilies on his tomb. I stared at if Shin will get out of the ground and meet me. It's been 4 years already, and I still couldn't move on.
“When you died, I died with you too. I miss you every single day, love. I can't wait to be with you. I'll be with you. I think it's time that I'll be with you.” A tear fell on my cheek. I did not bother wiping it off. It's just a tear. It's nothing compared to those buckets of tears I have during I mourned for him, alone.
“There's nothing left for me, here. And I always had wanted to be with you.” I whispered, still recalling the sight of his face in my head. “The flame in me is dying out.” I softly sigh and stared at his name written on his grave.
.
“I love you. And I will die still loving you.” I croaked sardonic smirk came from me as I took the tablets out of my pocket. And stared happily at the last view I'll ever see, the spot where my husband was buried.