Life sometimes offer unexpected surprises and individuals to come into one's world. By such circumstance resulted in an aftermath of prickled heartaches by which became the stepping stone for someone to courageously take a step forward with the feeling of not having to look back. And that someone. That someone who learned the lesson from what happened and managed to walk away, it was me.
I once dreamt that when the moment comes that I'll get the taste of the first sensation of being in love for the first time, it will create a long lasting good impression in my life. I was wrong. I never thought that it would be such a bittersweet experience that would be engraved in my memory. Something that instilled a reminder to both my heart and my mind. A reminder to never let myself go through that kind of pain again.
“Who is that guy?” I asked while eyeing the one who looked brooding and dissatisfied. He is with his friends. The rest of the guys that are with him are laughing together and he is the only one who seemed to look unhappy.
“You don't know him?” My friend Trixie raised an eyebrow, looking at me in disbelief. Her expression says it all. She stared at me as if like I said something ridiculously inappropriate.
"Uhh, yeah?” I answered unsure of what I am about to say next.
Trixie only gave me an eyeroll. Her eyes went back to stare back at them. “You should try to take some time away from being so overly focus on studying, Kath. Don't you know that almost all the individuals in our class know about him? And that half of the girls are swooning just to to have a conversation with him? He is that captivating.”
I continue to stare at him. “He looked mysterious for me. The hard to crack type.” I gave Trixie a glance after I uttered my words.
The curiosity to peel of the layers of his personality came gushing within me.
I consciously stared at him for a moment before he moved his eyes meeting mine. It caught me off guard making my heart raced in a weird way. I didn't shy away from making eye contact with him. And instead I bravely meet his stare not wanting to break if off. Not now that he was staring back at me. Even his eyes looked mysterious, with a mix of a pinch of intensity.
“Is it true that you like him?” A dear friend of mine. He who has been my friend since we were 7 asked me that question. Michael sighed after pulling his question out of his mouth.
“Just be careful, okay? I don't want you to get hurt.” He added.
He didn't say anything bad. Like what my other associates said about Jonathan.
I've heard a lot of things about Jonathan. Some of it were something I cannot fathom to believe. My mind cannot stand to accept the things I am hearing from their mouths. A part of me wants to believe that they're right but there is also this part of me that doesn't want to accept that he is that kind of guy. He is not that guy who is incapable of understanding one's feelings, especially the romantic one.
“He's a player. A charmer. It's easy for him to show that he's willing to give reciprocity to one's romantic interest, Kath. Are you even listening to the things that we told you? Those warnings you've heard from the girls who were once into him? We've told you that for a lot of times. And now, you're still want to chase after him?”
I stayed in silence. Didn't say anything. I am aware. I am completely aware of all it. But I still couldn't get to instill those words or cautions from my friends in my head. What can I do? I really like Jonathan. I really like him a lot.
“I think he likes me.” I honestly admitted the thought that was in my mind since yesterday.
Trixie and Michael exchanged glances. Trixie tore her eyes off Michael to stare at me.
“Are you sure, Kath?” Trixie's tone contained a bit of hesitance. And a bit of sympathy is being displayed in her eyes.
After doing some scanning on my face. She opened her mouth to speak.“You do really have deep feelings for him.” She softly said.
"She likes him, Michael.”
Their gazes meant something. Something of which I can't discern. They're looking at each other as if they can understand what the other is wanting to express.
“Are you happy with what is happening between him and you, Kath?”
I nodded my head.
“Your happiness matters. You said you're happy. And Michael and I— that is the only thing that matter to us, your happiness Katherine.”
“Is that her?” My eyes went to the guy who is beside Jonathan.
Jonathan moved his head to gave him a nod. There is a smile of satisfaction that was displayed on his face. He looked proud, almost like he gained some form of victory.
His friend group went silent. Their scrutinizing eyes directly went towards where I am at. I looked at Trixie to see her reaction. She was staring at them with an emotionless face. Jonathan tapped his friend's shoulders before they went ahead. He gave me a look one more time before he waved his hand.
“Your friends don't like me.”
I didn't get a response from Jonathan as he was busy staring at his phone. I tilted my head to have a look at what he is watching. He suddenly jolted on his seat and cast his phone aside.
“They're still hung up on Elisha. Give them time.” He stated before he reached for his phone. "See you later. Need to go back in class.”
I did my best to make sure that I am doing the things for his friends to like me. I put an effort from my every meetings with them. But with the reactions I've received I feel like what I am doing wasn't enough for them. The look on their faces. I didn't quite like it. The kind of stares they give. It is the kind of stare like they've had a sight of someone who is a walking disappointment. I have the clear idea on what's happening. They do have their chosen preferred choice for their friend. And it wasn't me.
As for Jonathan. I wasn't blind. It's plainly evident that I got myself in a mess up situation. And this can only lead to one thing, a heartache. But I continued to do things in what I thought was for the name of love, only to realize that what I am doing was making myself looked foolish. I was trying to so hard to fit myself into his life, to have the whole space in his heart.
Jonathan didn't really like me. It was safe to assume that he needed to fill in the empty space he has in his heart. And he found that in me. Because I showed my impression of fascination for him I served as a covering for someone else's existence. He was in love with someone from his past. He was in love with his own dearest friend. His best friend to be exact.
One thing I learned about him, is that he has the fear of appearing to be emotionally vulnerable. He always loved to be in control, disregarding to fully acknowledge his deepest emotions. I finally understood the labels that were splices in his persona. I finally understood why he did those things to his admirers.
It was hard for him to accept what he truly feels for that girl. And it was hard for me to let him go because I was deeply attached, was used to having him around. Maybe it is because this is the first time that I actually have real feelings for a guy. The ones that I have were all fleeting crushes and I wasn't emotionally invested with those people. But to him I developed a sense of attachment, an attachment that is kind of hard to let go of.
“What are you looking so down? What is with that phone of yours that is making you sad?”
I smiled bitterly. The clenching pain of my chest, I can feel it. I stared at the photo that was posted. A picture of him with her. It's only a picture but I never saw him smile like that to me. He looked happy. He is happy with her. I turned my phone off and stared at my friend.
“Don't mind me. I am fine.” I answered Trixie, concealing the pounding pain in my heart.
Sometimes it's better to leave things for where they are at.
Letting go is hard. It is not always easy to let go. But if it's the only thing that is left for someone to courageously accept.
Then, it is best to embrace the truth that sometimes in life letting go can be the best way for someone to be free from the painful constraints that are suffocating.