“I will not think less of myself just because you don't know how to love me.” (Stephanie Chhum)
Continuation:
I became strict of riprimanding myself from thinking about him. I stopped seeing him even during times I was tempted too.
I sometimes missed those late nights I've done with my friends to pass by their house hoping to see his face. During those first few phases I missed seeing his face but now what I truly missed was when I've spent those times with my friends. I can never go back and do it again.
“It's full moon today. I'm glad that we have the chance to see the moon this big. The moon looks a bit closer to us this evening.” I pointed happily. I glance towards Nalu and our other 2 friends hoping they're looking at it too.
“I know, Andrea. The moon looks lovely.” Hyle answered.
Hyle just like me is fascinated with this too.
“It looks big, bright, and beautiful.” Rusela stared as if the moon is the most breathtaking thing she'd ever seen.
I stared at Nalu. This gay... He was trying hard to stop herself from complimenting the moon. But his eyes speak otherwise. With his arms crossed he stared at us before he walked the other way.
“C'mon. We don't wanna be late right? We still have to go home.” He stared at me and smiled. “But first. We have to go the other way to make our walk longer.” He displayed another look.
My smile widened because of what he said because we can walk pass his house.
Smiles and laughing sounds came from our mouths because of the chats we have while we were walking. The gentle breeze of the night, the light of the moon and the stars, and the friends I have by my side... I made another happy memory. We've been doing this for a month now that it became a routine. Our weeks aren't fully enjoyed with these late night walks we'd done.
"Shhh. He's there.” Nalu pointed at him.
He was sitting on the chair outside their balcony. With a laptop on his table, some notes sprawled, and with his eyeglasses, I found myself simply adoring him.
I felt a bump of my shoulders. Rusela bumped me lightly. “How do you feel?”
The other two made a sound. I tried to shush them and I found myself looking back at where he is at only to see him looking at us with the same pitch black eyes, the feature I like the most from his face.
I looked away and walked towards the other side of the rode. I walked towards the yellow flowers on the side and pick three of it.
“Ohhh.” Nalu cooed. “Are you planning to give it to him.” A look of surprise took over. “And ohhh, you picked three.”
“She's planning to give this to him. She's planning to say the three words.” Rusela uttered excitedly. She scooched over to have a better look. “These flowers are lovely.”
I gave the flower to her. “This is for you.” I said it gently. I went to Nalu, stared at him, and handed him the flower. “This one is for you.” I checked Hyle only to see him smile. “And this last flower is for you my friend.”
Rusela took one sniff before looking at me. “But you don't want one? I mean, you don't want to also give him some?” I thought she was serious when she first uttered the words but then I knew she was teasing me by the way hers eyes are lit with some mischief in it.
I got myself another one. I tenderly touched the flower before dipping my nose to sniff it. “This smells amazing.”
I stared at them only to see all three of them doing the same thing.
“It does.” Hyle stared at the flower with an approving look. “You don't want to go back to the other side? He was staring at you?”
I shook my head. “Let's go and grab some ice cream before we'll go home back to our houses.” I chirped. I don't need to look back and see him. I'll see him anyway. We're living in a small town were people almost know of each other's names. Familiar faces here and there. Shrugging my shoulders I took another sniff of the flower inhaling it's fragrance. I'll see him anyway so why bother trying to go back to see another glimpse of his face?
I stared at the calender. This was the day when he hurt me badly. The date made its mark in my life. I'm held my grudges deep down no matter how hard I try to tell myself that I wasn't. I was grossed out of those insecure moments where I thought too lowly of myself thinking I wasn't a better match for him. What's worse is that he fueled more of the insecurities in me too, making me feel that he's in a high place that I couldn't reach. I never saw the look of love in his face except for that one time I tried to act like I didn't saw him. His friend tried talk and he was behind him. It was not the right time anymore because I started to implement burying my feelings for him that I acted and showed him that I can also be nonchalant. It's petty. But for once I wanted to be petty with him.
It's very different this time. I was able to cultivate a strong love for myself. I'm done thinking that I wasn't enough. I pity myself a lot in those moments. I will not think of myself as someone that is less than him, nor will do the same with other people. I will not think less of myself because he wasn't able to love me.
“I'll miss you guys.” I went to each three of them and kissed their cheeks. Before I stared at the things I packed inside my trolley bags. I bought three because I know one isn't that enough for the things I want to bring with me as I go.
“You'll be back right? You'll not forget about us right? This is the first time I saw Nalu looked genuinely sad. He was trying not to let his tears fall on his face. He went to hugged me. “We will miss you.”
“And I'll miss you too.” I hugged him back before I eyed my friends. Hyle was wiping his eyes with his hankie, while Rusela's head on his shoulders. They were crying.
“We'll stay in contact. And besides we can always have constant calls every night just like we always do whenever we don't have anything to do.” I said with enthusiasm and effort to assure something to my friends.