Nothing interesting at the moment. The whole day felt very tiring. I don't even know what to do now. Tokyo is already busy even at this time of day. I feel sorry for myself. I do not know what to do. There are already several things that are quite troublesome. I've been through so much time. But I still haven't found anything. I feel so sorry for myself. Weirdness and even things that are quite disturbing, I don't care at all. Such a fun start. When I think about it coming, I can't sleep because I keep thinking about it. This time I actually felt empty. I had intended to go for a walk as usual. When I think about it I'm lazy. It's hard to just move. Not a few of me are comfortable sitting in silence while enjoying food. It looks like heaven but the reality is different. I also admit that now is different from before. The expectations and even the decisions I made really depressed me. I'm back in the safe zone. Even while monitoring what other artists are doing. One famous person managed to grace magazine covers and even make news headlines. I still feel jealous. It's strange that I don't feel anything like that. I also thought I still didn't have anything. Even now I see the same thing. The paintings I have made are quite famous. But now I don't know what else to make like that. When I entered campus, it felt like they were too great compared to me, who was a loser. I also thought about doing something else in the near future to entertain myself. I feel that it was a pretty good decision. Until I found something on Instagram. Someone is so interested in works of art. That person often posts similar things. I feel positive vibrations that might benefit me. Without further ado, I immediately followed the account and the person also confirmed it quickly.
“Wow. This is amazing," I muttered.
Right now I'm confused. I can't do anything. After I finished following that account, I felt there was hope. However, afterwards I felt small. My thoughts change too quickly. Until now I'm still torn apart and don't know what to do. I see the world with these eyes without hesitation. Although sometimes the views I see are no longer beautiful. The feelings that continued to mix made my heart even more restless. That's when I got frustrated. This time I decided to contact someone who might be able to help me get rid of this annoyance. Finally I called Yuki. My old friend in this city.
"Hello?"
“Oh, Maya. I didn't think you would call me. How are you now?"
“Yuki, there are some things I want to talk about now.”
"What's that? But you haven't answered my question."
"Ah, my news is not good. And I want your advice. I don't know what to do anymore? I haven't managed to sell any of my work other than old works. Should I change the theme?”
“Hmm, I see. Do you really need money?"
“When it comes to that, of course. But not really. I just feel useless.”
"Good grief. What are you talking about? You're so amazing. When it comes to works that no one has bought yet, I think they need time to think. Trust me.”
This is just a waste of time. I already thought that Yuki would definitely say something like this. After that, I didn't feel any better. The feeling of guilt towards myself is increasing. To the point where I can no longer say anything. I am amazed at humans who seem to ignore what is more valuable. If you look closely, it seems like my work is just as worthless. When everything makes things worse, I'm increasingly convinced that I really can't avoid this day. Even though I keep looking at the sky, even the world is the same. I'm really disappointed with that. There's nothing more disappointing than that. One second passed, one hour passed and I was still here waiting for myself to wake up and start tidying everything up. Surprisingly there isn't anything worse than that. Everything is almost the same. This time I couldn't hold back any longer. Finally I rushed and tried to continue my work. The result I got turned out to be a work that was different from usual. I was certainly very surprised to see something like this. It's really unexpected. If I look closer, it feels impressive. I quickly took a photo of my new work and posted it on one of my social media accounts to attract collectors' attention. I guess my current actions aren't that bad. Works of art are not born in a hurry. All it takes the process. I'm sure everything I'm doing is better than just waiting and waiting. I also don't know when it will sell out. Only relying on those people, I can live. As if what I did was quite sad. For me, it is true that there is nothing easier to live in life. I would be very naive if I thought everything could be resolved in a short time. In this cruel world, it can be done but all because of the existence of valuable paper objects. Apart from that it's just pointless. Something just came to my mind. This time I expected myself to do things quickly. But with my energy like this, I feel it's useless. There are things that are more useful if I can maximize my remaining time. There's nothing I can do right now. I felt like I was in a pretty scary zone. From now on I really have to work harder for all the things I need. You can't be lazy or anything like that. Because that would just ruin everything. It's time for me to move and that's what I should do. Today it all starts.
“I have to do it,” I muttered.
Instantly my determination became firm. I also hope that what I did today was truly extraordinary. But I also felt there was something wrong with me. Unfortunately, thoughts like that suddenly appeared. I feel this is worse than yesterday. I quickly went outside to look for inspiration. As usual, I just walked around the streets of Tokyo watching the crowds of people with their respective activities. This kind of atmosphere is very peaceful for me. This is the romance of the life they live and I myself agree with that. When I was walking I just heard someone calling me and I turned in the direction the voice came from.
“MAYA!”
“Oh, Yuki? You're around here," I said in surprise.
"Good grief. You are. I've been calling since I just turned around now."
“Oh, sorry. I just heard.”
“You want to go somewhere?”
"No. I'm just walking around for reference. What are you doing yourself?"
“I also want to go for a walk. It feels like I haven't left the house for a long time. That's really boring. Just so you know."
"Yes. You are right. I agree."
"You will create a new work?"
"Yes. I intend to do it. I think I can get some inspiration now. And I have to.”
“Wow. Your determination is fine too."
I felt like I was in a pretty scary zone. This is the first time I feel ambitious enough. Even though before I didn't really feel like I do now. Surprisingly, this wasn't a tough decision. I always hope that something important will come into my life. Everything is just a matter of time. Until the time comes, I always hope that there will be time for everything. At the same time, I also feel that this world is not just a fairly complicated place. In the paintings I made before, I always placed them among things that were quite troublesome. Until I feel like I can't differentiate one by one from them. This time I felt the same way. At this moment, I can't stop thinking anymore. When I enjoy walking around like this, I feel relaxed. My body also feels healthier. That doesn't mean I'm lazy about exercising, it's just that I feel uncomfortable when I'm always in the same room. At the same time I see another side of the world and maybe I can find inspiration that will take me into a colorful world. Yuki is also still here with me. Even though this person tends to rush, I can feel that he is no different from me. Just a human who is at a tiring point. Sometimes I wonder whether everyone experiences the same thing or not. And I innocently believed that I was the only one feeling this way. I never understand other people. Behind the painting I have made is the same. There are no other elements and it just leaves me alone. I feel bad. But I can't change what I have conceptualized. This time I really had to make something different from what I usually make. I don't care if other people like my work or not, now I don't have to hope for them anymore. I just need to enjoy my own work. I think that's enough.
"Wow, the weather is really nice," said Yuki while taking a photo of the sky this afternoon.
"Yes. You are right. But it still doesn't feel very warm.”
"No. Problem. As long as it doesn't rain, I'm quite happy."
"You hate rain?"
“Honestly yes. I hate."
"Why?"
“Once something bad happened when it rained. That memory can't leave me until now. I tried to forget about the incident and even asked for help from a psychologist. But the results were in vain. That's why I hate it."
“Traumatized, huh? I understand."
“I guess that's what it is. But, I don't know, I can't say that."
"You want to forget all that?"
"Of course. I don't want to continue to be terrorized by nightmares. That's scary."
“You must be really scared.”