When I'm already outside the milk tea shop, I didn't bother to look back and just continue my pace like nothing happened. I'm not that insensitive. I know Marga has her sense to guess what I'm trying to point out. Well, good for the bitch.
Since I'm not bringing my car, and we didn't hire a personal driver, I was forced to commute. Thank goodness no one's around when I arrived home. I immediately leaned on the couch and heaved a deep sigh.
I'm not happy about what I did, nor I'm proud. But what I'm sure about is that they won't be going to invite me anymore. I apologized, Shan. I did that because I don't want to be part of your dates.
I reached for my phone when I felt a vibration on my pocket.
Shan is calling...
I rejected the call and shut my phone.
The next morning, before I went to school, I decided to fetch Shaine to their house. She's still combing her hair when she opened the door for me. Told you, she is always this slow.
“Good morning, Ari!” She approached me and gave me a tight hug. My smile when she did that is the real, genuine. But those I showed in the tea shop? Those are fake.
“There's no good in my morning,” I replied. She motioned her hand on the sofa as I followed her.
“Not in the mood, eh? How's the date?” she asked and leaned close to me.
I heaved a sigh. “You won't believe this.”
I shared everything to her as she was listening intently. Shaine's the only one I am comfortable to talk to. Every time I'm with her, I don't feel the need to lie. And only the two of us know that I'm having a secret crush on Shan.
“Good for her. You should have pulled her hair, Ari. That bitch is getting through my nerves,” she commented after hearing the entire tea date story.
“That's mean.” I glanced at my wristwatch. “Time to go to school.”
It took us some minutes before we finally arrived at the parking lot. Shaine came out first, and I followed after making sure that my car's in good position.
Nothing's new. We halted in front of the gate to show our ID, then we immediately headed toward the school building. There were many students on the stairs, climbing back and forth. Others were just standing by on the side, watching TikTok videos.
“I'm a boring person, right?” I asked out of the blue.
Shaine glared at me and shook her head. “No, Ari. You're such a nice person. Because if not, I should have get rid of you a long time ago. But look at me, I'm still here.”
“Then why Shan can't love me back?” Maybe because I'm boring. I'm not like the other girls, who usually wear sexy and fancy clothes.
“Because God has a better plan for you. It is to remind you that just because you admire that person, and you're willing to give your everything doesn't mean he is meant for you. Maybe there's someone out there who deserve your love more. Shan can't love you back because you and him are not destined for each other.”
“I just ask you if I'm boring. I didn't ask you to recite a speech in front of me.”
She shrugged her shoulders, laughing. “Well, it's your doing why we reached into this topic.”
But I'm blessed to have her as my best friend, and that's real. If not because of her, I might have not seen the world from a colorful perspective. Because every time I lost my inspiration, Shaine's always there to lift me up.
“Good morning, Ari!” Ara, our classmate, greeted me as she opened the door for us.
“Good morning.” My eyes squinted, watching her as she paced inside. Something's suspicious on her smile earlier. It was like… she's thrilled and she can't hide it.
What's going on here?
“Oh my god, Ari,” my friend whispered.
Right from where I'm standing, I can clearly see six male students bringing a cardboard formed into a heart shape. When they flip the board, I saw letters written in each of the heart shaped cardboard that they are bringing. They raised it a little enough for me to read it.
“C'mon, Ari. Read it!” Shaine nudge me on the arm, her own way of teasing me.
Can You Be My Girlfriend?
I secretly read what's written on the board, but my classmates shouted those words like my eardrum will be destroyed. Oh, shoot. Who the fuck is making this crazy thing here?
“Hi, Ari!” Raven came out, smiling from ear to ear as he is slowly walking toward me. So, he's hiding behind the male student's back all the time? Great. Speak of the devil and he shall come. Because the first time I read the words, I know exactly that it's him.
“What's up, Raven?” I asked, rolling my eyes at him.
“I'm not gonna make this any longer, Ari. You know how much I like you… well, you didn't know at first that you're my long-time crush. It took all the guts on me to confess my feelings toward you. I want you to know and always remember that you're special, and you are loved.” He handed a bouquet of red roses to me, the same kind of flowers he attempted to give me before.
“Go straight to the point, and please move that bouquet away from me.” Am I too mean when I said that? Sorry, but if you really like me, then I want you to know that my heart is stored only for one person. I will only accept flowers when it comes from Shan.
“I know I'm being too fast, that's why I understand if you're not gonna accept this bouquet for the second time around.” He asked one of our classmate to hold the flowers as he returned his gaze on me. “Love doesn't need to be forced. I'm very much willing to wait until you're ready. And hey, pin this word… you are worth the wait.”
My classmates screamed as they kept on teasing us. I don't understand why they have to that when in fact I already rejected him.
Yes, his words are sweet like sugar. He can make any girls fall in love with him because of his attractive charm and personality. It is obvious by the way how he treated me that he's not the type of person who easily give up. He is always willing to wait and dedicated enough to love you.
But we're not meant for each other.
That was an effort. The letters written in a heart shaped cardboard, the bouquet… I appreciate the hard work. But I just can't accept him in my life. How when I'm still in love with Shan? He's not that easy to replace, though it was one-sided love.
“I know you're not going to like this, but I still want to ask if…” He trailed off, swallowing hard. I know he mustered all his strength to confess, but— “… can you be my girlfriend?”
I swear my heart shattered into pieces when I heard those words coming out from his mouth. Mixed emotions are circulating in my system. For the very first time around… I felt pity for him. Because he exerted so much effort but at the end… he's not enough for me.
Oh my god— How am I going to explain? I don't want to hurt his feelings, but it will be worst if I'm not gonna be true to myself. Reality hurts. And just like Raven… I'm also hurting.
“You don't deserve a girl who's not yet done loving someone. I'm sorry, Raven… but I cannot be your girlfriend. I appreciate your efforts, and no one has ever done this to me before… but you deserve someone who can fully love you back. And that's not me. It's not Ari.”
My heart skipped a bit, seeing the tears rolling down his cheeks. And we're both crying now. I'm so sorry…
There were too many buts and reasons why can't I love him back, despite all the efforts he has done for me. I can't lie to my heart. I know I hurt him so much, but I will hurt him even more if I accept him in my life. Because after all, we both know, that he's not the one.
He nodded his head. “It's okay, Ari. I understand what you're going through…” The melancholic looks in his eyes is killing me. I'm guilty for causing so much pain to him. I'm so sorry for the nth time.
“How I hope I can reciprocate your love, Raven. But you know the reason I can't, right?” My voice cracked, tears making my vision blurry.
“Yeah, I do…” He bow his head down.
I walked close to him and gave him a tight hug. I don't know why, but I suddenly became this soft to him. Remember before? I don't even like to mention his name.
But now… I'm hugging him like I didn't hate this guy at all. “Please forgive me if I'm this mean to you…” I whispered.
“It's fine, Ari. You don't have to say sorry. After all, it's my choice.” I can feel that my uniform is getting wet because of his tears. “I love you so much. As long as I'm here, there will be someone who will never get tired of loving you.”
“How can you be so good and understanding?” I asked. No matter how much I hurt him, he still showed up like it was none taken for him.
“That's the real essence of love. It's not about how much you love the person because feelings are doomed to fade away. It matters on how you're going to handle her at her worst. It is more on understanding her and helping her to get back when she's slowly losing herself.”
Silence ensued after we cried so hard. Even our noisy classmates seems like in great pain now. They stopped from screaming as I can see the melancholic look in their eyes, just like what I saw from Raven.
It was late for me to realized that Raven's the only suitor of mine who made efforts so far. Others only express their feelings through chat, and some are not even serious. He's rare. And I was so stupid to not recognize his worth.
Things I learned today? You will only appreciate the person, and you will only say sorry once they get hurt. You can't see their importance when they're just smiling at you every day because you think they just want to play with your feelings. But once you see the pain and tears from their eyes, you will realize how much you've hurt them.
“Let's call it a day.” Raven wiped his tears away and in just one blink of an eye he is already smiling like he's not hurt. “I'm so sorry guys for making a drama here. But thank you for helping me pulled these things for Ari.” He is pertaining to the letters and bouquet as he told his companions to store it.
“Guys, c'mon! Let's pretend like nothing happened,” Shaine chuckled, breaking the awkwardness. It was so embarrassing to reject Raven in front of our classmates. Yeah. I'm ashamed for what I've done.
“See you around, Ari.” Raven kissed my forehead as I was watching him turn his back away. Until he disappeared from my sight, I'm still feeling the pain.
“Am I a bad person, Shaine?” I cried, seating on my chair in an uneasy way.
“I admit that was mean, but it's not your fault if you just want to be true to yourself.” She gave me a comforting tap on my back as I leaned on her.
He's a nice guy, actually. And we can be good friends. That's all I can give.