I don't know when it started. It was so unexplainable and quick. All I know is that I have special feelings for her. She's the light in my eyes, the reason of my smile. I know this girl is not meant for me, but I just love her. I don't even know where these feeling will go. Should it fell on her or not, what's important is that I'm following what my heart desires. I can't get her off my mind… She's the inspiration I don't want to lose.
I tried to get close to her many times, but I always dismissed the thought in my mind, I don't have the guts before, you know. I was too shy to do the move and her beauty pressures me a lot. One reason that always hold me back is the fact that she's already in love with someone. She likes another guy out there, making me doubt if I'll be noticed.
I decided to hide my feelings and keep it as a secret to myself. I started stalking her everywhere she goes. Seeing her from a far is already enough for me. My heart is chasing her. The beat always leads me to her, though I tried to stop it. She made me so in love. Her beauty is undeniable, and she's just simple, a thing that I like the most from a girl. She doesn't like to wear fancy stuffs and clothes that are too much revealing. This girl prefers to be plain and simple… and that is the real beauty. Not filtered, not fake.
She's not jolly and even describe herself as boring, but she accidentally caught my heart. I was so in love. I never felt this way before, only this girl can. She rarely smiles and laugh, but she's still the prettiest in my eyes. Because just like what I said… I fall for the simple type of girl. And she met my expectations… she's the dream. I felt the real definition of true love toward her.
I always stalk her on social media, patiently waiting for her to post even a single photo. I was always excited to see one, so I can react and even get the chance to comment. But she's not into it, not even a shared post. There were tagged posts, but most of the photos where she is included revealed a poker face of her. She hate being photographed, I guess?
Her favorite place in school is in the library. She went there almost every day during lunch break, and I was always there, shelves away from her. I pretended reading a book while stealing a look on her, sometimes capturing some stolen shots of her. Every five in the afternoon, after class dismissal, I always wait for her in the parking lot. After she drove her car away, I followed her until she got home. That's not part of my stalking. I just want to make sure that she's safe.
She loves going to the coffee shop. But I guess she's not into shopping that much. Am I too great in my stalking skills?
Before she finally got to know me in person, I already exist a long time ago. But I'm not noticed, my existence wasn't seen. There's that one time, once in a blue moon occasion that she bumped into me. She asked for an apology and I smiled to her. She have no idea how her simple sorry made me happy. Because finally, I got to hear her voice in a close distance.
Years passed by and it's still her. Many girls showed their motives to me, but I ignored them all. I could have play with their feelings for a while, but I choose not to. I know it's not good, and I already like someone else. For me, she's already enough… though it was one-sided love.
Until one day, as I was in the midst of stalking her, I didn't help but to showed up. She was seated in a table, watching her crush as it was talking to his ex-girlfriend. I saw the pain in her eyes, and I can't afford to just let her see the painful scenario. I realized to disturb her.
“Ouch!” I immediately blocked the scene before her, not minding how embarrassing it was in my part. All I want that time is to divert her attention.
“Are you okay?” she asked. I secretly smiled, hearing her sweet voice. No miss, I'm just joking you, actually.
“You get what I mean, don't you?” I acted holding my chest as I shot a quick glance at my back. “Seeing the guy you love the most being with another girl.” I turned my gaze on her and chuckled.
“I don't know what you're talking about.” But she ran away from me until she got outside the coffee shop. My god, did I surprised her too much? Oh, boy. You shouldn't have said that. Since I don't know what to do, I just waved my hand at her and smiled.
Destiny really wanted us to cross paths again. That night, during the pool party at Rihanna's house, I was surprised to see her in a black crop top and square pants in bright flower prints. I thought she's not outgoing, so I wonder why she's there. I nodded my head when I saw her friend. Maybe she was forced to come, since I can really see it on her face that she don't like parties.
I didn't miss the chance to go near her and said hi. As expected, she became mean to me. But I'm happy to see her again, even though she didn't say hello to me.
Then I came to the idea of sending messages to her. It was my first time, so I borrowed quotes from Google. I didn't receive a reply from her, but that doesn't stop me. Instead of being sad because she didn't reply, I maintain a smile on my lips.
The next day, I decided to finally reveal myself to her as her secret admirer. I bought a bouquet of red roses and I chose the expensive one. I asked help from the students to scatter the red petals on the hallway. And I rehearsed my lines all over again, but at the end she rejected the flowers I gave her. She didn't accept my hand when I stretched it for a shake. Every time I say a word, she always cut my sentence. But that was nothing to me… I understand.
Of course my face is thick, so I don't feel ashamed of myself and even sent her a friend request on Facebook. I guess she also moved my messages to spam after she deleted my request. But still, that doesn't stop me from getting close to her. I already revealed myself and I don't feel the need to hide anymore.
I wanted to make her feel special, that's why I always want to make my actions genuine. And when I got the chance to play it during the acquaintance party, I didn't hesitate to perform on stage. I entitled the song with the first three words of her name as dedication for my love.
I bought foods for her, though she always refused to eat it. It's perfectly fine. I'm not that type of guy who easily give up. She's my dream; therefore I have to chase and pursue her. Patience is the real power I need to have, and more understanding. Besides, it's my choice right from the start and I don't regret it despite the rejection I always received from her.
Then it was her 19th birthday. I bought a diamond ring for her as a gift, though I'm not invited. I'm not going to deny the fact that I was hurt after I heard from her friend that her crush was there on her birthday. He gifted her a bouquet and she accepted it while she rejected mine before. Just a smile and he can already make her fall in love, while on the other hand I still have to force and do everything to make her accept a stuff from me. But still, that doesn't stop me from pursuing her. I may not be part of her birthday wishes, at least I made her accept my gift.
After I heard that she was invited to join the date of her crush together with his girlfriend, I became worried about her. Thoughts are runnin' on my mind. I don't want her to get hurt. For sure that date will be very painful.
That's the moment I took all the guts to became true to my feelings. I know I'm in a wrong timing, but I didn't mind it anymore. I decided to court her even though I know that I have no chance. I was kinda expecting her to reject me, and it happened.
What I didn't expect that day was for her to cry and ask for an apology. I promised myself not to make her cry but at that moment she rejected me, tears rolled in her cheeks like a broken faucet. You know what hurts the most? It's not about the rejection, since I'm used to it. I was no longer a stranger to that, ever since I met her. What hurt me the most was when she cried. Hearing her asking for sorry, saying she can't reciprocate my love, crying in front of me… is the most painful.
I was hurt when she cleared to me that there's no way she can love me back. But the pain got doubled when she broke into tears. I don't want her to blame herself for my pain. I'm hurt because of my decision, it's because of my choice… it's not because of her.
But like what I said when I take her to her house, that rejection leaded us to friendship. Though it's breaking, at least there's still a good outcome. If that didn't happen… I wonder if ever we'll be friends today. I realized she's good, she just hated me before that's my she didn't treat me well.
We're friends now. Should destiny give us a chance or not… I will stay. I will always be on her side. Besides, I don't want to rush things. I'm always willing to wait, and I will never get tired. I will wait for her to heal and recover from the pain. And when given another chance, I'll try once again to pursue her.
I'm doing all of these not impress her nor to catch her attention. That is not my intention, why I always wanted to be on her side. Our friendship is already enough for me, and I'm not gonna take advantage of it. The purpose of my actions is not to make her fall in love with me, but to make her feel special. I want her to know that she's lovable, that she deserve to be happy. Right from the start, I already swear to the stars that I'm gonna love this girl without asking for any return.
Because Arianna Adisson is very special to me. I will never stop loving her until my last breath. I know I'm not the guy in her heart, being friends might be the only thing she can give to me… and that is perfectly fine. I can love her without chances. I can love her with no guarantee. I can love her forever without return. I'm not perfect, but I'll do everything to be the deserving guy in her eyes. But if destiny will not allow… it's still okay. Nothing will changed.