“R-Raven's in the hospital. He is undergoing a heart surgery.”
I dropped the box on the floor after she said those. The pair of christian louboutin heels came out from the box because of the strong impact but I ignored it. My attention were only fixed at my friend.
My heart had a great crack. My eyes widened in shock, tears rolling down my cheeks. I look at my palms only to find out that it's already shaking.
I can't explain what I'm feeling right now. I'm... broken.
“Yo-You said what?” Tears formed again in the corners of my eyes. I wanted to stop it because I'm not yet sure if she's just joking me. But the words lingered on my mind... scaring my nerves.
“You heard it right, Ari.” Shaine looked away. But before she was able to avert her gaze, I saw the tears on her eyes. She wiped it away but still it kept on pourin'.
Is this serious? Is this the reason why she's acting weird today? I have known my friend as a good jester and maybe, just maybe, she's just trying to make me cry. She wanted to watch my reaction and filmed it.
“Where's the camera, Shaine?” I chuckled, repeatedly shaking my head to shake the nervousity off from there.
“What are you talking about?” She raised both of his hands and turned around. “I'm not bringing a camera.”
“No,” I laughed. But deep inside, I'm already scared. I'm afraid. “Show me the camera, please. It's not good to vlog this kind of prank. Kindly give the camera to me.”
“C'mon, Ari. You know that I never vlog before. What are you trying to say... that I'm pulling a joke on you? I cannot do that at the moment. You know it's rare for me to get serious.”
I went silent for awhile and laughed again. “You can't fool me, no. Just drop the drama and show me the freaking camera.”
But she didn't listen. She only shook her head, making me feel that I'm being funny right now for focing her to reveal the camera even when there's no such thing.
“Do you think I would go through such lengths of saying those if it doesn't make sense at all? I spent a hard time to say that. You know that I'm a very straightforward person. I only struggle to say a word in a very rare occasion... like this one.”
“Is that a joke? Because if yes, it's not funny,” I chuckled. I want her to take her words back. I assume this is just a joke... that she's just pranking me.
Because if it's true... I will surely suffer in pain. I will never recover again.
“I can't afford to tell you such a very serious joke, Ari. Know that I was having such a hard time to finally say this to you.”
“That is unbelievable. How come he's going through a heart surgery? Shaine, he's not weak! His heart is not weak! He was so okay before he took his flight,” I argued. There's no way he's... No. He was so good! He's fine, he's healthy...
“We can't trust actions, Ari. Just because you always see him smiling doesn't mean he's not going on through something. People sometimes keep a secret to protect our emotions. But at the end of the day... the cat will still be out of the bag. We will be left suffering from the pain while he's fighting for his life.”
I kept shaking my head. I sat on the floor, resting my hands on my knees. I can't believe this is happening.
“N-No, Shaine. That's not true. Y-You're just... lying. Yo-You're lying.” This time, my voice broke. My eyes were like a broken dam. I'm wrecked... my heart is shattered into pieces.
“I'm so sorry, Ari. I'm sorry you have to undergo this pain. This is the reason I can't exactly put this into words because I know you'd be hurt.” I felt her hand on my hair, gently raking it. That's comforting... but I don't want any kind of comfort right now. What I want is Raven.
“How did you know?” I stood up and asked her. I can't even stand properly that's why Shaine supported my back. My knees are trembling and I can feel the sweats in my palms.
“His parents texted me early this morning. They informed me that Raven was rushed to the hospital and that he undergone a heart surgery. He lied to us. It's not true that he's going to attend his cousin's debut. He's in New York for a surgery. He's heart is getting weak, Ari. He can't survive anymore if he's not gonna follow his doctor's advise.”
I remained silent. I cannot believe everything that I heard from her. I'm just crying. I can't stop myself from crying... it's very painful.
“His mom said that before his flight to New York, Raven was hesitated to undergo the surgery. He's scared he's not gonna make it up alive. But after a lot of realizations and with the help of his dad's advise... he decided to take the flight. His mom said he's doing this for you. He wanted a long life because he promised to love you forever.”
Hearing the truth from Shaine caused so much pain to me. All of a sudden, I regret everything that I've done to him. Those days I was mean to him. Those times I rejected his flowers. I refused to accept his love because for me he's stupid and annoying. I regret those moments I squandered. I should be at his side but I chose to ignore him. I chose to ignore someone who's willing to sacrifice his life for me. He stayed in my side just to give me the love and care I never felt before. He was so selfless.
I have no idea that he's going through something. When you look at him, he looks very healthy and energetic. Little did I realized that those smiles were not just showned to make him attractive. Those glowing smiles were also meant to cover his pain.
Oh my god. This is very... painful.
He never failed to make me feel loved. But in the middle of loving me, he was also slowly losing his heart. He gave almost everything to me until there's nothing left for him. His kindness, his love... made him to be selfless.
If only I know that this is going to happen, I shouldn't have hated him. I should have reciprocated his love and confess that the feeling is mutual. But I was weak to say it. Now I regret everything. I should have take care of him, made him feel special. If he's selfless for not telling us his condition, then I'm unfair for not returning his kindness.
I felt guilty. For me, it was all my fault why he reached to this point. He's on his worst now because of me. I hurt him before. He might be saying it's okay but deep inside he secretly numb the pain. And that made his heart unhealthy until the organ cannot endure it anymore. While he's in the midst of loving me, I'm clueless that he's getting weaker everyday.
And who should I blame for this? Literally no one but me. I'm the reason why he's in New York. I'm the goddamn reason why he suffered from this condition. This is all your fucking fault, Ari! YOU'RE A MONSTER!
“He said he bought a gucci mini bag as a present for his cousin. He even asked me if it would be nice gift for her debut,” I muttered. Despite the pain, despite everything I heard... I'm not losing hope. I want to believe myself that he's doing fine there... even just for a lie.
“He don't want you to worry, Ari. That's why he said that. Truth is, there's no debut. He's only there in New York for his surgery.”
I bow my head as Shaine kept on carressing my back. I cried more than just a pail of tears. Crying is the only thing I know to release my pain but still it's not enough. Every second, I can feel the dagger stabbed on my chest. There's no way I can escape from the pain.
“H-He's gonna overcome this, right?” My voice cracked. I don't wanna lose him. Please... He's gonna survive because I'm still gonna confess my feelings to him.
“Of course. Raven's gonna make this up. He's a strong man, Ari. He's gonna survive this for you.”
My lips curved, laced with pain and bitterness. Right. We need to strengthen our faith to God that Raven's gonna survive this hurricane in his life. I believe he can make it because he's brave and tough. He's not the type of guy who easily give up. If he made a stubborn girl inlove, I'm sure he's gonna survive his heart surgery too.
I went home with a broken heart. I can't tell how many times I pulled my car over at the side, spank the steering wheel and cried. I want to release all my pain and spend the rest of my day in crying. I can't afford to figure him out lying on the hospital bed, tubes attached on his body. There's nothing more painful than your friend suffering without you at his side. It's heart breaking.
I cannot even eat knowing his condition. And I don't have an appetite to even feed myself a spoonful of food. I just locked myself on my room and ignored mom and dad. They're concern about me not eating anything for dinner, but it's totally okay for me. I'm not hungry... I just want to cry.
That night, I prayed so hard. I can feel my heart beating rapidly while I'm talking to God. It was so sincere. I asked him to please help my friend recover from his condition. I asked him to give Raven a long life.
We will never know what's ahead of us. We can't predict the future. There is no guarantee that we're gonna live a good life here on earth. Part of life... is pain.
To be honest, I never prayed this hard before not even when I'm down. I just realized that we should call God because he's always there to listen. And I was so happy to talk to him again. But I'm still sad. I will only be relieve once Raven's health is stabled.
“Shaine, any update about Raven's condition?” I asked right after I sat on my chair. I'm not in the mood to review my notes for the upcoming long quiz. I'm just here at school as a typical student but please leave the room to me... I'm worried about my friend.
“None. I already message her mom but she's offline. I'll let you know once I receive her reply.”
I nodded my head. It's funny how I thought that she's weird last day maybe because she's dealing a personal problem at hand. Truth is, she's struggling how to tell the news to me. She looks sad at first. Now, the both of us were sharing the same feeling.
“Ari, let's eat something first before the next subject. You can't go home with an empty stomach.” Shaine stood beside me, waiting for me to take her hand. It kinda felt like a deja vu. Last day I asked her to eat, now she's telling the same to me.
“I'm good,” I replied dryly. Feels like my throat got dried because of crying all night. I don't need foods, what I need is water.
“C'mon, don't be such this mean to yourself. Raven's not gonna like it when you're treating yourself like this.”
She just mentioned my weakness. I was left with no choice but to come with her. I admit she's more good in convincing than I does. Last day when I forced her to eat, it was not successful. But when she does the same thing to me, it was easy for her to make me stand from my chair.
I bought a bottled water and a ham sandwich for myself. It's kinda hard to savor the food in my mouth, knowing a friend lying in the bed surrounded by doctors and nurses. Everytime I look at my sandwich, I felt guilty. But like what Shaine said, Raven's not gonna like it if I treat myself this way.
His survival is uncertain. Not even a doctor can say when he's gonna be totally fine. Only God knows about our future. But I do hope Raven's still given another chance to show his smile to the world. Many people are waiting for him. Many people prayed for his health.
“Please be strong, Raven. I miss you so much...” I muttered, staring on his profile picture. His face, his smile... kept flashing on my mind like a photograph.
After class dismissal, Shaine insisted to accompany me on my car. As a concern friend, she did everything she can to comfort me. It's a good thing that she's here because if not, I'm afraid I'm not gonna eat dinner again. Mom and dad was very thankful for her presence. After eating, we immediatedly headed to my room. I shared the bed with her as we drowned ourselves in deep thoughts.
“He was supposed to be here today. But something came up,” I spoke in a low tone.
“Everything's gonna be fine, Ari. Just trust God,” she replied with a smile. I gave her a tight hug and deeply feel her presence.
“...are you sure this not going to affect her? She's hurt when in fact—”
“It's okay, hon. Our daughter is brave. Keep that in mind.”
“I just don't agree with this. Look at her, she's emotionally damaged. She can't even finish her food. Every meal, she always didn't have an appetite.”
I heard mom and dad talking about me downstairs. Mom whispered something to dad and after a few seconds, they both came into silence.
“This is crazy.” Shaine burried her face on the pillow. Is she laughing? No, I guess she's crying.
I can't sleep peacefully, thinking of my friend. He's always on my mind every second. His smile, his voice, his presence... it's hunting me down, making me uneasy. Something's whispering in my ears like the wind or maybe just my imagination.
I even dreamt about him in the middle of the night when everyone in the house were already asleep. I woke up, catching my breath. My shirt is wet. I didn't know that I was crying in my dream. That was strange because in my dream, I was wearing a black dress. The people around me is crying and right in front of me is a coffin.
It was a horrible dream. My heart went bad, beating abnormally. That scene gave me a different feeling like it was trying to point out something. And I don't want to entertain it, I'm scared.
I walked downstairs and go straight to the kitchen to drink a glass of water. I was not able to sleep again after that dream. I tried to close my eyes but it won't shut. Since I can't put myself to sleep, I just stared blankly at the wall until the sun rose to wake everyone in the house.
“You wake up early, don't you?” Shaine asked while she's fixing the bedsheet. I only nodded my head as a response, glancing at the frame in front of me. It's the pink rose he gave to me before. Everytime I look at it, I felt his presence... like his touching my hair.
“Mom, what are you doing here?” I asked in awe. She came inside my room without knocking which is so unusual of her. Dad followed, sniffling. His eyes were red like he just cried.
What's goin' on here?
“We just got this message at dawn. You guys were already asleep so we didn't disturb you.” Mom sat in my bed, bringing her phone. To be honest, I was awake that time. I just acted like I'm sleeping when they entered my room.
“We're very sorry for informing you late,” dad added. He remained standing near the slightly opened door, hands hidden at his back.
Shaine and I exchanged glances, telepathically asking what's going on. “And what's there on the message?” I asked with an air of bravery. My gut feeling can guess it... but I kept believing myself that it isn't. I'm not yet sure what it is so better not second guess. Please tell me—
“It says that—” dad paused when his phone vibrated. He took it out from his pocket and made a swiping gesture. “Oh, sorry. I have to take this call.”
“Go ahead, hon. I will be the one to tell them.”
Silence ensued. No one from me and Shaine tempted to speak after dad excused himself from our room. We just waited for mom to talk first as the latter only stared at us. Her eyes were filled with sadness. She wanted to say something but feels like she's having a hard time to do it.
“M-Mom, what is it?” I stuttered, hoping that it's not a bitter pill to swallow.
“Tita?” Shaine spoke next to me.
Mom cleared her throat first before she looked at her screen. “I know this isn't the perfect time to talk about this. But if not now, then when? Time is running fast. We can't squander any second.”
My brows knitted as my attention remained on her. I can read the seriousity on her voice. “What do you mean, mom?” I asked out of curiousity.
“It's a failure,” she responded.
“My grades? But our adviser just announced that I'm a with highest honor.” I know it's not related to what she just said. But this is the only thing I know to shake the negative thoughts off my head.
“I don't think that is what tita wants to tell us,” Shaine whispered in my ear. I asked her why but she only shrugged her shoulders. “I can't explain it. Don't you think she's a bit sus today?”
Something's sus actually. I already noticed that since the moment she entered my room without knocking first.
Mom closed her eyes. After she took a long, deep breath... her mouth opened to say the exact words she wanted to tell us. “Raven didn't survived from his heart surgery. He died at 3:21 in the morning. I-I'm so sorry... but our prayers didn't saved his life...” Mom shook her head repeatedly. She covered her face and burried it on her palms, crying.
N-No. This isn't true...
“Gone too soon. I saw Raven as the perfect guy for Ari. I just met him for a few weeks but he's already closed to my heart. I treated him like a family because I know his intentions were clean. H-His death is very... unexpectable”
My jaw dropped.
I stiffened.
I froze in my seat, catching my breath.
Shaine remained covering her mouth while I'm just standing with wide and shocked eyes. It took me a few seconds before I finally blinked... but the pain remained. It's tearing my heart. The pain wanted to take me down. I am emotionally damaged.
And this where all parts of me shattered. Everyone in the room is crying. The screams, the tears... I can feel my heart wrecking in pain.
I was so shock upon hearing it from mom. I want to say something but the word seemed stucked on my throat.
This is one of the rare occassion that my heart thudded faster than its usual beat. My mouth is pretty shut. My chest ached like there's a dagger stabbed on it. I want to speak but there's no words coming out from my mouth. I was silenced by too much pain. My heart is over loaded.
But in the middle of crying, I cannot hold the pain anymore. Their is a huge ball of pain running out from me. I mustered my remaining strength... and release it.
“RAVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!” I shouted at the top of my lungs. I cried so hard until there's no voice left in me. I fell on the floor with my trembling knees, shaking my head. I will never... ever accept this.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” I never screamed like this in my entire life. The pain was stored in my chest for a very long time and now I'm already triggered. I exploded like a time bomb. I kept shaking my head until it hurts. But at this very moment... all I know is that I cannot accept the bad news.
“A-Ari, sweetie... please.” Mom placed her fingers together like she was praying. She attempted to go near me but everytime I screamed she took a step backward, torn between going near a mourning daughter or not.
I already have too much in my plate and it was still added. I no longer know what to do. I'm already hurting... and still hurting.
Was this even serious? I'm not prepared for this. The sweats on my palms can prove how nervous I am at the moment. My whole system is shaking. I can't control the tears flowing from my eyes. It was like the biggest dam have broke and the flow can't be tame anymore.
“M-Mom, a-are you... kidding me?” Pain etched in my face, begging her to please say it's just a joke. “Mom, I can't lose him... Please tell me you're joking... please...”
“Ari...” Shaine stood at my back and gave me a tight hug. Her comfort which was supposed to ease me everytime I'm feeling down was no longer useful for me. I'm sorry... but I don't need any kind of comfort at the moment. I'm grieving for a very special friend.
I want Raven back. I want to see his face, I want to see him... alive and kicking. What the hell is going on? His death was so sudden leaving a great pain in my chest. I cannot affort to lose him. I just can't...
“M-Mom, let's go to New York. Let's beg the doctor to please make him stay. T-There still something we can do, right?” I know I'm being too desperate. But Raven... I can't lose him. I-I can't lose my dream...
I was just starting to live in a new chapter. I'm just starting all over again. I was planning to confess to him when he come home from New York. This new chapter in my life was supposed to be for the two of us... but what happened? He died without hearing my side. He died without him knowing how much I love him.
“S-Sweetie... there's nothing we can do to stop a person's death. Remember when we go to Sabrina's wake? You exactly said the same to Shaine.” Mom carressed my back as she kept on shushing me.
You will only relate to the pain once you experienced it. That time Shaine's mom died, I kept telling her that she don't have to worry because her mother's in a good place now. Little did I know that it's not even enough to ease someone from grieving. The only thing that will tame this unstoppable pain is to see Raven alive. I badly want him back... but it's impossible.
“No! M-Maybe it's just a mistake... This is unexpectable, mom! I c-cant... I will never accept this!” My voice went high and low brought by the mixed emotions I'm feeling right now. The pain of Raven's sudden death blows my mind. I'll be insane. I can't control my emotions. Even when I already let it out, it kept on coming back inside.
“Ari, please listen to your mom. We are all grieving for his death here. But there's nothing we can do. Death is inevitable.” Shaine sniffled, trying her best to speak fluently despite the tears on her eyes.
My mind went blank. They were talking to me but feels like I'm not hearing their voices anymore. I can only see Raven's face, smiling at me. I can only hear his sweet words, the not sugar coated ones.
I imagined him walking toward me bringing a bouquet of flowers. I imagined him strumming the guitar, making a song for me. Then he's gonna kissed my forehead, gave me foods, and asked me for a date. It was so nice in the feeling until I wake up from reality, seeing my face being wet on the mirror.
Regrets. Millions of regrets kept runnin' on my mind. I regret so much for not confessing my feelings when he's still alive to hear it. I regret for being weak.
If only I know that it's gonna be our last conversation, I shouldn't have let him end the call. When he told me to keep myself safe because he's afraid he will not be there to take care of me. When he stated that we will never know what's ahead of us. If only I know that it's gonna be the last day that I'm gonna hear his voice, I should have take his words seriously.
I squandered many oppurtunities that I will never get back anymore. Those flowers I ignored, that song he composed for me, that day he courted me in front of my classmates. If only I know that it's not gonna happen anymore... I shouldn't have rejected it.
He will not be able to hear me out anymore. I wanted to say sorry for hurting his feelings. I wanted to tell him how much I admire him for being a gentleman, that his my ideal type of guy.
But regrets aren't gonna bring back what's gone. I'm afraid I'm not gonna get up after this. Scared to see his body inside the coffin, me wearing a black dress, people mourning.
I suddendly felt the goosebumps on me. That dream last night was actually a sign that he's gonna leave the world in the morning. That was an indication of his death. That dream was indeed horrible.
He will never be forgotten.
His death shook all of us.
Life will never be the same now that he's gone. The hues, happiness, and fun. It will never be the same without Raven. Life will never be colorful as it was before. He brought so much fulfillment and happiness to me, without me knowing that he's gonna be the cause of our sadness too. The pain, the broken, shattered pieces when trace back will leaded me to him. To his memory.
Shan was my ideal guy before. But Raven arrived and changed everything. He made me realized many things in life. I found my worth because of him. I felt special and loved because of him. He turned my rock heart into ice and now it's melting for him. It's aching, it's breaking.
This is the most painful happening in my life. The most tragic, unforgettable, unexpectable moment. My friend died. My most special friend... is gone. I will miss his smile, his voice, his flowers... everything about him. He will never came back to love me. He will never came back for us.
Raven... I want you to know, wherever you are right now and if ever you're listening, that I love you so much. I'm sorry if only have the guts to tell this when you're not around anymore. Maybe you can hear me... but you cannot answer. Maybe I can feel your presence but I can't hug you anymore.
You're the dream. But your death gave me the most horrible nightmare too.
I don't want to say goodbye because you're not gone in my heart. I don't want to bid farewell because I don't want to accept the truth that you will never be here for us anymore. I just want to love you. And please let me love you... even in my imaginations.
Let me be your girl even just for a fake reality. I will live my life in fantasy so in that way I can still love you even when you're not here anymore.
And if second life is true, please wait for me there.
May the world cross our paths again, my dream.