“That girl is a bitch. After Raven made efforts for her, she rejected him like who are you, girl?”
“I thought Ari's kind. But she's not. Can't believe she is capable of doing that.”
“She doesn't deserve Raven.”
I walked straight like I heard nothing. It's painful in the ears. But there's nothing I can do to stop them.
Gossips from left to right is making me uneasy. My head hurts. I want to fight back and defend myself but seems like they're right. I don't deserve him, that's why I rejected him in the first place. Can't love him back because I like someone else.
I know in the first place that I don't deserve a guy like Raven. He's too good to be mine. I'm afraid I can't be as good as him. Also, I felt that we're not a match. He's loving and caring, while I'm opposite to that. I'm a boring person.
“They're so mean, Ari!” Shaine gritted her teeth, showing madness. “They're spreading hates about you. Remember when your tires went flat? Maybe those girls did it.”
“Just ignore them.”
My car is already fixed with new tires after I told dad about it. All thanks to his friend and for his immediate response too. After changing the tires, he brought my car to the car wash station to clean it.
“I cannot! Look at them, they're making fun of you!” She was about to go and confront them when I quickly held her in the wrist.
“I said, don't mind them.”
“But—”
“Let's go, Shaine!” I cut her off.
I know it's my fault, so I don't feel the need to trade barbs with them. I deserve the hate for not treating people nice. That's called karma. They can judge me for what I've done. It's just a reverse version of reality. After I hated Raven, other people are hating me now.
I was empty the whole class. I'm listening on the discussion but not a hundred percent. My right ear is receiving the words, but it came out on the other like the lesson didn't linger at all. I'm not usually like this, even how much bored and sleepy I am.
“Ms. Adisson?” I was snapped back to my senses when our adviser called me.
“Yes?” I responded, blinking my eyes. My classmates are looking at me right now. Too embarrassing.
“Are you with us? I'm asking for your assignment. Where is it?” She opened her palm like she is expecting to receive one from me. But my eyes only squinted.
“Assignment? I don't remember her asking for it,” I whispered to Shaine.
“C'mon, Ari. She even repeated it thrice and yet, you didn't remember? You should have copied mine, but I thought you already made yours.”
Oh, shoot. I can't refresh my mind. I don't remember a moment in class that she told us to make an assignment. Was I too empty these past few days?
“Ms. Adisson, I'm talking to you. Where is your assignment?” our adviser repeated, asking the same thing to me. But I only shook my head.
“I apologized, ma'am. I forgot to make my assignment.” Swearin' this is embarrassing, specially when you're in front of your classmates. They can say boooh to me. Oh my god, Ari. You're a mess!
“What a disappointment. It's a very simple task and yet, you forgot to make it. Of all my students in this class, I'm not expecting this from you.” She put the piece of papers together and placed it in her drawer.
“I apologized, ma'am. I will never do it again.” Swallowing hard, I asked for an apology. I received nothing from her, not even a nod. I ended up with a sigh.
“What happened, Ari? You never forgot to make assignments before.” Shaine leaned close to me as our adviser dismissed the class. Our classmates are now busy erasing the writings on the chalkboard.
“I don't know,” I replied, out of myself. I'm feeling the emptiness on me. Words are just floating in my mind but thank god I'm still able to respond the right answer.
Maybe it's because of the pain? I'm not yet healing from it. And I don't know when it's going to happen, actually. This is me every time I'm going through something. I usually get empty for a moment then a few minutes after I will regain myself back.
“Cookies, you want?”
I can't accept the fact that Shan is already reuniting back with Marga. We used to be good friends before, and I'm starting to expect too much from him. I thought our friendship will improve to the other level, not until his ex-girlfriend returned. Everything changed. My expectations turned out to be fake as I realized its just part of my imagination.
“Hello?”
And students are spreading gossips about me. They are bashing me for what I've done to Raven. They don't understand what I'm going through, that's why it's easy for them to judge. I'm a monster in their eyes. They created a bad figure of mine in their minds. How creative…
“Hey, are you okay?” I suddenly felt a hand waving in my front. My vision became blurry for some seconds, the reason I didn't recognize it at first.
“Sorry, what is it again?” I shook my head and rubbed my eyes.
“I'm asking you if you want some cookies.” Raven handed a transparent blue tupperware to me and I accepted it.
“Yeah, I love cookies.” I picked one from the tupperware and savored it in my mouth. My eyes were blinking intentionally. I don't know how to stop it.
“What's happenin' on you, Ari?” He gently touched my hair. “You okay, hmm?”
I nodded my head. “I'm good.”
He grab a chair and pulled it beside me. “So, how about the dinner this coming Saturday?” he asked.
“It's going to happen. No cancellation.”
“Oh my—” Shaine butt in, covering her mouth in a dramatic way. “I was not aware that tito and tita will be meeting their future son-in-law. You're such a keeper, Ari,” she chuckled.
“Of course you're included in the dinner,” I replied. Shaine's noisy all the time, and this is what I'm used to.
“Your parents are really excited to meet me in person, huh? So, tell me. How did you describe me to them?” He is smiling as always. Fuck, how can he? It's hard to always keep a smile.
“Mom guess you're a gentleman and I seconded that,” I answered honestly. He deserved to be appreciated for who he was. He was always good to me.
“Oh, my heart— Check your pocket, please? It's there!” he chuckled.
“How sweet!” Shaine exclaimed and joined herself in eating the cookies. “But it could have been more sweet if you buy candies too.” Is this real? My god. I can't believe this friend of mine.
“Candies are only for kids,” I said. She has a baby face, but she ain't a kid anymore. Sorry for that.
“You might lose a tooth if you crave for candies, Shaine. Cookies are much better. And note, these are sugar-free.” Raven get one from the tupperware and savored it. “See? Super delicious!” Oh, that eating sound again. My pet peeve.
“Are you guys helping each other to convince me not to eat candies? Good idea,” Shaine jested. We both shook our head since it's not true.
Raven accompanied the two of us until it's time for him to go back to their classroom. He is good at making conversations, actually. He can make a boring person laugh for a second.
“… Arianna Adisson, no grade in Philosophy. You haven't submitted the video that I required a few days ago. If you want to be included on our top 5, please comply. I will wait until next week.”
There's nothing I can say. My mind is empty these past few days, making me forgot that we actually have a video project to submit. That will be recorded under performance task, and it will be a big loss if I won't respond immediately.
Eff you, Ari. Don't drag your grades, please? Don't let your pain affect your studies. Please, please, please, please.
“I apologized, ma'am. I promised to do it before the week ends. Thank you for giving me another chance.”
“Please ensure you're going to comply.”
“Rest assured, ma'am.”
I can't believe my emptiness right now. I'm not actually like this before. I always make sure that I comply all my projects, even when I'm a lazy student.
Am I so affected by the pain? I'm a consistent honor student and I shouldn't let the pain cut the best of me. I will do my best to cope. Not best for me if I'm just going to stick to the negatives things all the time.
“Hello? Ari, are you there?” Shaine knocked on the air. Oh, empty again.
“I don't know.”
“What do you mean you don't know? Ask yourself if you're still here with us,” she jested. “Seems like you've changed a lot, huh? No, no, no. Maintain the good grades, my friend.”
“It's not that easy.”