A/N: Get ready for this.
“I didn't like the way how you treated her yesterday,” Shan spoke. We are both facing the scenery before the railings. The cold breeze of the air is making me uneasy right now. Gosh, will I die if I jump? Of course, bitch! This is a fucking rooftop.
After class dismissal, Shan texted me to meet him here. I refused to come because I know exactly where this talk is heading to. I might be carried away, and I'm not yet ready for some revelations. But we all know him. Knowing that I'll ignore his message, he waited for me in the parking lot. To be certain, he got me cornered.
“Don't act as if you didn't hear me, Ari. Why did you do that to her? I invited you to join us because I thought you'll be happy to meet her in person,” he continued in a low voice. I can sense that he is trying to control his temper.

“I was not aware that it was an invitation to trigger my emotions. You should have told me,” I replied. I was staring on the ground, though it was far away from my sight.
“What do you mean?”
I scoffed, with a hint of pain on it. “Don't act as if you don't know.”
“I don't know why you're doing this, Ari.” When I turned my gaze on him, I saw him shaking his head.
“Doing what?”
“You suddenly became cold to me, and you started avoiding me all the time. You turn out to be someone whom I thought you'll never be.” There is disbelief in his voice. What did he expect… that I'm gonna take everything with a pinch of salt? I was affected, goodness.
“I'm just trying to continue what you have started.” To be certain, it initiated when he reunited back with Marga. I was hurt. I was in deep pain. Of course, I need to isolate myself from them.
“Sorry, are you blaming me why we reached to this point?”
“You're the one who said that.”
I'm not ready for this. I want to walk away and leave him. The thought of confessing everything to him, scares me bad. Should he ask about that thing or not… I hope my tongue will not slip away. Shan hurt me, but he's still my friend. And I'm still in love with him.
“I was expecting many things from you during the milk tea date. But you ruined the good thoughts I created on my mind.” Why does that word hurt a lot? So, I'm a date crasher? Fine. I'm claiming it, though it's blunt.
“C'mon, Shan!” My voice raised a bit. By saying I ruined the good thoughts in his mind, I suddenly became triggered. “You leaded me to a table that I don't even belong to. Of course, I need to find a way to excuse myself. Sorry, if my way was too absurd for you, but that's all I have in my mind.” I have to give Marga a good reason to not invite me again. And that thought pop in my mind.
“Who said you don't belong with us? Ari, you know you're the closest friend I have. I invited you because I wanted to spend the day together with the special people in my life. How come you reached to that point of thinking that you don't belong with us? I thought we're good… then why are acting like this?”
I sniffled. I'm not yet crying, but I'm almost coming to that. “I need to go.”
“Please stay a minute.” His voice pleaded, asking me to stick around. I wanted to go and pretend like he doesn't exist but something's holding me back from doing that.
“What else do you want to talk about? Make it fast. I'm running out of time.” I did my best to hardened my voice. This is not yet the moment to break, Arianna. Please note that you cried enough.
How painful it is for the two of us to talk this way. We used to be close before. This talk wasn't supposed to happen. I never see it coming.
“What's going on, Ari? I just had a girlfriend, and you're already acting this way. I thought you'll be happy for me? Why does it sound right now that you're not? Are you against with me getting back to Marga? Because if yes then I will understand. You witnessed me at my worst, and you have the rights to feel that way.”
Shan is a decent man. He'll talk to you, not to scold you for what you've done. He's here to reach out. Honestly speaking, I look like the villain here.
“What if I say there's another reason behind?” Shit. What have you said, Ari? You weren't supposed to say that.
“Then I would like to hear it.”
I looked away, his sighs as heavy as mine. Seems like I already spilled the bean that I should be keeping in my pocket. Goodness, what shall I do?
“Never mind. You're not going to appreciate it, actually,” I said, dismissing the thought. But once you dig a hole, you will never stop until you reached the bottom. Shan's curiosity will expand and expand until I'll be left with no choice but to confess.
“This conversation wasn't supposed to happen. I only force you to be here. Say what you want to say, Ari. I'm afraid after this… we'll never have the chance to talk again.”
Is he saying a fact or a possibility? I'm scared his gonna cut ties with me after. Shan. I still want us to be friends no matter what.
“I can't keep this to myself anymore. Besides, saying the truth only happen for once. After this… I'll be from all the pain,” I muttered, swallowing hard. I said I'm not yet ready to confess, but he caught me off guard. Like what he said earlier, I shouldn't hesitate to say what I wanted to say while I still have time.
I've been waiting for the right time to confess. Though this is not yet the moment—and I came here very unprepared—but he started this himself. Besides, I'm already tired of pretending that I'm okay. I'm exhausted…
“What are you trying to say?”
I turned my gaze on him. Hesitations runnin' on my veins.
Our eyes met.
I'm getting nervous…
“Ari...” he mentioned. I remained silent, torn between saying it or not. I came unprepared, that's why it's hard for me to decide.
Feels like I'm stucked in a dilemma. I wanted to confess everything to him right now in order to release myself from the pain. But at the same time, I don't want to ruin our friendship.
But nobody said it's a mistake to say the truth. Nobody said it was that easy to confess. But if it's really needed in order to free yourself… why not? Everyone deserves to know the truth.
I was hurt more than what I deserve for choosing this path. I cried so hard enough for me to have all these guts to confess. I shouldn't let the pain be my greatest downfall. Therefore, I needed to release my emotions for the pain to escape. Because if I kept on hiding this… I'm afraid I'll spend the rest of my life in suffering. At the end… I will be the stupid loser.
“I like you, Shan… more than just a friend.”
And the word slipped on my tongue. Admiring him is no longer a secret that Shaine and I used to kept for years.
I wanted to take my words back and pretend like it was just an error. But I already said the words, and it can't be taken away anymore.
Eyes blinking, he faced me, shock is written across his face. “WHAT?” Then he pulled his hair and shook his head repeatedly. He can't believe it, even.
This is what I don't want to witness, the moment I decided to confess. I don't want to see his reaction. But it's inevitable. Now I see nothing but the pure shock and confusion on his face. Did I surprise him too much?
“Yes, Shan… I'm fucking in love with you,” I chuckled with pain. He went silent for some seconds as I kept on chuckling. “Crazy, right?”
“Ari…”
“What? It's okay if you're gonna laugh at me. Go ahead and laugh! I hope you understand now why I don't want to be part of your dates in the first place. Shan, imagine my pain when you said you're still in love with Marga…” My voice cracked as I broke into tears. Oh my god… After years, I finally set my pain free. Saying the truth to him is the biggest thing I've ever done before. How fulfilling but painful.
“Since when?”
“Since childhood. I kinda expected something from you, that's why I was really hurt. I tried many times to stop this feeling, but I just can't.” I bow my head and look down at my palms. It's shaking… sweating bullets. I'm so nervous right now.
“I'm so sorry, Ari… But I can't reciprocate your love,” he said straight into my eyes. “You said you have special feelings for me, and I appreciate you for saying the truth. But you're just a friend to me.”
“I know.” The word seemed stucked on my throat. Oh my god— I swear, this is hell.
Reality hurts. Reality sucks. Reality is the worst of them all.
And that's the part when I completely shattered into pieces. Tears escaped from my eyes like a broken dam. The pain that I've been carrying before was added by another pain… more tragic… the worst type of pain.
“I know,” I repeated, shaking my head. I can't remember anymore how many times I attempted to wipe my tears away… but to no avail. The pain cuts different. “Yeah, you're right… Better say what you want to say, for this might be our last conversation. I guess this is goodbye.”
“Hold on…” I was about to go when he held me on my wrist, making me stop.
“I already told you everything, Shan. Now, please let me go… I will try my best to move on.”
He shushed me. “Please stop crying…” But that doesn't stop me. “Ari, don't be this mean to yourself. You deserve someone else out there… a guy that can you love you back.”
How when you're still the one that I love?
“Please let me go…” My voice pleaded. I almost lost my voice… it's slowly fading.
“I want you to know that you're special to me, Ari. You will always be my sweetest friend,” he whispered as he closed his eyes. He leaned his head on my shoulder as he started crying. “I'm sorry for causing so much pain to you. How I wish I can reciprocate your love… I will if I could, but I can't.”
“I understand…” My voice went low. I will try my best to move on for the sake of our friendship. “I will fix this, Shan… I don't wanna lose my only boy best friend.” And I don't want to look like a fool anymore. The painful experience is enough.
“Yeah. We'll fix this together, alright? Our friendship will never disband… I promise you, Ari.”
This is the very painful conversation we never did before. Truly, it is said that when you came unprepared… you'll be hurt so bad.
“I need to go.”
How long have we been staying here in the rooftop? We're already here after class dismissal, and it's getting dark now. I should find my exit.
“I'll take you to your house.” Shan sniffled and reached for his key.
“No need.”
“But—”
“You don't have to.” I let go of his hand as my steps ahead was as heavy as my heart. I walked straight without turning my head.
I didn't expect myself to confess.