It felt like a deja vu when I pushed the glass door to open, walking inside the coffee shop. It brought a memory to me that I want to burry on the ground. A moment that I don't want to remember.
Going back to this coffee shop is literally not my decision. I was just asked by someone to come. I will never visit this place again if only I'm not invited. Because apart from the deja vu feeling… this place is painful.
When I paced on the table she reserved for us, I noticed that she's already there. I thought she'd be ten to fifteen minutes late or somethin' but turned out she's the early bird between the two of us. Of course there's no turning back, so I just continued my pace like I'm not nervous. But deep inside, I want to run away.
There were a lot of people who kept visiting this coffee shop because I can recognize some familiar faces. But speaking of, I hope she won't be that sensitive to sense my nervousity right now.
“Have a seat, Ari.” She motioned her hand on the vacant chair as I occupied it with a smile. “Is there anything you want? My treat.”
“Thank you, but I just had my dinner.” It's kinda impolite to decline the offer, but I'm still full, to be honest. The table is empty and she didn't browse on the menu, so I guess she's not going to order too. Looks like we're really here to have a serious talk. Oh, it's creeping me out.
“Okay. But don't hesitate to tell me if there's anything you want. Besides, I'm the one who requested for this meeting, so it should be my treat.”
“Yeah.” I nodded my head. But it's not just a simple meeting for me like we're just going to discuss something related to our project. No, dude. We're here for another reason.
Can you guys sense how awkward it is for two girls to be on the same table? She's not just a girl, c'mon. She is Margarielle Louise Vera, Shan's girlfriend. And we're not here to hang out. I'm even pressured by the way how she dressed up. She got a coat from Chanel like girl, that's too expensive. Can I endure her fancy presence any longer?
I ruined their milk tea date last time when Marga walked away after I said that word “you” that emphasizes my feelings toward her boyfriend. I may not say it directly with clear intention because at the end I continued my sentence with another line, but it's still what it is. And now she's asking me to meet her here in the coffee shop like that didn't happen. I'm terrified. I think she's gonna pull my hair and mop my face on the floor. I regret what I've done to her before.
Care to know why this place felt like a deja vu to me? This is the coffee shop where they used to spend their date. It is also the same shop when I saw Shan with Marga after he said to me that he wants to talk to her.
“Ari… I could tell you this through text, but it will be better if we talk in personal.” She placed her phone on the table and look straight into my eyes. Her Chanel coat is still bothering me. I was just a beggar if my outfit will be compared to hers. Well, she's a model, while I can't even afford her style.
Oh my god, I think she's starting this right now. Maybe she planned this day to confront me about what I did last time.
I cleared my throat first. This is not supposed to happen, but I really feel the need to apologize. “I'm sorry for last time. It's not my intention to ruin your date with Shan.”
She didn't answer. Oh, is she waiting for the perfect opportunity to pull my hair? It's okay. She can do it to me. I'm not gonna fight back.
“I know I'm kinda late, but I'm sorry.” I bow my head. I can't maintain an eye contact with her, it's so embarrassing.
“No, you don't have to.” I was surprised when she held both of my hands. But I thought she's mad at me?
“What do you mean, I don't have to?”
I was kinda expecting her to confront me because I thought she hates me so much after what I did to her. But she looks like a good person to me. She treated me like a friend during the tea date, and now she didn't sound mad. Honestly speaking, I am more villain than her. I hated her for so long just because Shan loves her.
“Ari, I feel your pain, that's why I understand you. I came here to tell you that I'm not mad. I'm a girl too. And I know you have special feelings for my boyfriend.” With no second thoughts, she directly said those. My lips parted, a bit surprise about what I just heard. This is getting awkward…
My eyes widened in shock. “You do?”
She slowly nodded her head and plastered a smile. “Yes. I know you like him. Maybe ever since junior high or childhood, but what I'm sure about is that he's not just a friend to you.”
I went silent, not knowing what to say. Every time I lifted my gaze, my eyes only blinked at her. It was late for me to realized that she already knew about my feelings toward Shan. She sensed it, and I was so ashamed of myself.
Marga's not even mad nor jealous. There's no hint of hate in her voice. She's not disappointed about me having special feelings for her boyfriend, when I almost curse her to life when I heard she left him for passion. It was so unfair. I was so unfair. I gave her hate, she returned it with kindness.
“It's true that I exchanged him for passion. But that was before, Ari. I regret every second of my life there on States, thinking that I left a very special someone behind. I wanted to be a professional model just like my mom, that's why when I get the opportunity I chased it right away without proper decision. Sad to say, I have to sacrifice Shan for that dream. That was so selfish of me.”
I felt the regret on her voice as she was saying those. She's squeezing my palms while trying to control her tears. I don't know what to say, so I just chose to stay silent.
I kinda feel her kindness that moment she said she's not angry. It was so unfair of me. I hate her because she left Shan and when she came back my friend's still in love with her. But turned out, she doesn't deserve that hate. Little did I know that she was different from the picture I created. There she's a selfish bad bitch. But in person, she's kind.
“But mistakes are not going to define who we are, right? I'm just a human, and I'm not perfect. During my stay in the States, I'm holding on to a small slice of anticipation that he will still give me another chance, though there is no guarantee. Shan is the only guy that I love, and I realized how incomplete life is without him. Yes, I did what I want, I chased my passion. Fashion show, wearing extravagant dresses, having the spotlight… I got what I want. But it's not enough. I realized it's not my real happiness.”
The regret on her continued to expand as I was listening to her. I felt guilty for hating her. I realized that judging her doesn't make me a good person. Because after all these years, her decisions made her to suffer too. She's not happy there on States… Marga sacrificed a lot.
It's inevitable sometimes that we thought other things can make us happy, that we expected ourselves to be happier once we get what we want. We got blinded on our dreams, making us decide instantly. It's a mistake to leave people behind, but it's not a sin to follow your heart. Marga made me realized that life is not all about love. Struggles were there, sacrifices, and mistakes.
“I thought chasing my passion is the true definition of happiness, Ari. I'm happy being with Shan but I thought modeling will make me happier. I regret for not hearing him out. I decided for us, I was so selfish.” She let go of my hands and bow her head. I gulped. Is it my turn to speak?
“But it's still you at the end. You're blessed to have him, Marga. He's not just a loving man but a responsible boyfriend.” Then I felt a dagger stabbed on my chest right after I said those. How long am I going to pretend? I want to set myself free from the pain. But when?
“I'm so sorry, Ari. I know you deserve him more than I do. You're his best friend, and you were there for him when no one else can. You were always on his side.”
Is she apologizing that it's her who Shan loves instead of me? I want Shan to see that side before. That I deserve him more, that I can take care of him. But now, I'm not like that anymore. The pain made me to grow up in maturity. The old Ari is gone. I don't want to force and beg, I have my worth too.
“It's not your fault.”
“I'm still the reason behind.”
I don't want her to believe on that. Marga's gorgeous with a heart, and it's not her fault if she's loved more than me. I was wrong for hating her. Because she ain't a bitch after all. She's kind and good to me.
“I also want to say sorry for tolerating my feelings, even though I know that Shan's already in a relationship. I forgot to respect you as his girlfriend.” This time, my words are genuine. It's not fake anymore like what I showed to her last time. Because I was jealous, I used to hate every single detail about her, without me knowing that by doing that I'm already disrespecting her.
“None taken. I understand you. We can't force ourselves if we're not yet over with our feelings toward a person.”
How can she be so understanding and forgiving? After what I've done to her, she's still kind. Other girls are incapable of doing that. I should be thankful that she didn't embarrass me to many people. Because one moment, I thought she's gonna do that to me.
“I'll try my very best to move on.”
“Shan wants to talk to you when he went to your room yesterday. But Raven came out and said you're not available. So, I decided to talk to you since we're both girls, and we understand each other more.”
“Thank you for understanding, Marga. And sorry for everything that I've done. You guys are perfect for each other and I will not going to interfere anymore.”
This is a girl to girl talk. I felt so comfortable being with her in one table. She's not the type of woman who will rub the mistake you've done in your face. She's more kind than that.
I'm not going to deny that it is indeed painful. But after I confessed to Shan... I have realized to stop. He cleared to me that he can't reciprocate my feelings and I should accept it. He is already in a relationship. I can't afford to ruin that. I cannot be that desperate.
“Thank you as well. I'm looking forward to more conversations with you, Ari. But I hope next time we'll be able to bring up another topic.” She stretched her hand for a shake and I accepted it.
She asked me again if there's anything I'd like to order. I responded, “none, I'm good”. Marga stood up as I did the same. Many customers were looking at her now because of her branded clothes. Instead of bragging, she just smiled to them and waved her hand.
“Those are your fans, am I right?” I asked when we are already outside the coffee shop. It's still awkward to talk to her but seems like it will be a good start to create another conversation with her.
“Yeah.” She nodded her head. A white van stopped in front of us. She gets inside and wave her hand to me. “Bye, Ari! Thank you for your time.”
“Bye.” I waved back and get inside my car.