I ran as fast as I can, tears rolling on my cheeks. My eyes look like a broken faucet, flowing like it's unstoppable. I totally look like a mess.
Is this a disaster of emotions? Oh my god. I can't believe how heavy the pain I'm carrying right now. Overloaded. Too much pain is killing my system. I'm emotionally damaged.
I can't endure the atmosphere anymore. I was too hurt, and my only choice is to leave. I left Shan in the rooftop because the confession didn't help me to carry the pain. Yes, I was able to release my feelings to him, express, and confess. But it's not enough to lessen the burden.
I halted from running when I reached my car. When I glanced on my wristwatch, I noticed that it's already six in the evening. It's getting dark now and there were only five to seven vehicles left in the parking lot.
I slammed the door of my car and closed it. When I'm already seated, I got the chance to made my drama. No one's gonna stop me, since I'm just alone. With all my force, I released all my pain on the steering wheel. I shouted, I pulled my hair, I threw my phone. I did everything to release the pain in my chest.
I can break the windshield if I want. I don't know how I will make it possible, but I'm sure I can do it. Just thank god, I'm still able to hold myself back. No. I cannot damage my car. This is a gift from my parents. This is a product of their sweats and hard works.
“You're a fool, Ari! I hate you! He can't even love you back, and still, you're hoping for nothing! Where's your fucking brain?!” I continued pulling my hair. I don't give a damn anymore if I'm already hurting myself.
Catching my breath, I sniffled repeatedly, trying to calm myself from crying. But I just can't. Tears kept on flowing like raindrops.
He can't love you back, Arianna! It is one-sided love right from the start. Pin that word, please. He will never reciprocate your feelings because you're just a friend to him.
Why is it so hard to accept?
And questions drop suddenly like confetti. Am I not lovable? Why? How long will I carry the pain? Questions that I hate to ask.
All my life, I did everything to make him feel special. I even ignored all my suitors because I don't want to replace him. I sacrificed. I take all the risks. I waited for him.
I LOVE YOU. It was just eight letters, but I find it hard to say. Not because I'm not yet sure. But because I was scared to lose my friend. He might avoid me. But now, I already got enough guts to confess. And it turned out the way I expected. It was indeed painful.
I chose to love him… even without chances. And after everything that I've done, that love wasn't reciprocated. How unfair, but there's nothing I can do. It's my choice; therefore it's my fault.
“I-I confessed to him, mom… I told him everything.” My voice cracked, crying in front of her. She is always this ready to listen, and I'm thankful for that. It's rare nowadays to find a mother like her who don't judge the choices of her daughter. Because mom… she understands me so well.
“You don't have to tell me everything, sweetie. I know exactly what happened during the confession. I can read it in your eyes.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Just release your pain… don't be scared to let it out.” She gave me a tap on my back as her sign of comfort.
“Thanks, mom.” Then I planted a soft kiss on her cheek. I gave her a tight hug, embracing her presence.
“I will give you the space that you need, Ari. If ever you need me, I'm just one call away, okay?” She smiled. I nodded my head in response. Good thing about mom is that she knows how to read the room. Not the literal room, but you already know what I mean.
The next day when I went to school, I can still hear some gossips about me. It's not yet over, though Raven and I are already friends now. But like what I did before to dodge their mean treatment to me, I just chose to ignore them all and walk like they don't exist.
“Ari, I received your message last night. Was that even serious? I can't believe that happened.” Shaine followed me until I sat on my chair. Yes. I let her know because she's a friend. And she was the first person who know that I have a secret crush on Shan.
“I'm not gonna sent you a message if that was just a joke.”
“Oh my—” She covered her mouth.
“And he said sorry, but he can't reciprocate my feelings.”
“That's what I've been telling you ever since. We both know that he's in love with Marga. Right from the start, we know it's not you,” she said, making me feel the pain again.
“Stop it, Shaine. Let's just forget that it happened.” Then I opened my notebook and flip through the pages. Distraction. I need to be distracted.
It was too embarrassing in my part. Imagine I confess my feelings to him when in fact girls aren't supposed to do that thing. It was my first time and I only did that to Shan. But now... I have realized how embarrassing it is.
Stop it, Ari! Please… I'm begging you. I'm pleading…
“I picked this from our garden before I went to school.” Raven suddenly appeared in my front, biting the stem of the flower. New thing, huh? It's not red, but a pink rose.
“Oh, please!” I chuckled. I swear, he's so funny. “Don't bite that. Is that for me? Give me that. Don't bite the stem, please.” What was that? He looks like a rabbit.
Thank god he's here. He lifts my mood.
“Sorry, HAHA!” he laughed and bent his knees to level our height. “Come and get it, Ari.” He was pertaining to the flower inserted in between his lips.
“What do you mean?”
“Get it. As in, use your hand and get the flower from my lips.” Oh my god! Is he serious? My classmates are teasing the both of us. I can't— Oh, c'mon.
“Fine.” Using my right hand, I get the pink rose from his lips. Shaine was thrilled, so as our classmates including Raven. I don't know if he's just riding their reaction or what, but he's actually blushing.
“I hope you like it.” He smiled and pointed the flower which is already on my hand.
“Of course. I love roses, dude.” I smell the flower as its scent lingered like a sweet perfume. I closed my eyes for a while and plastered a smile. “Thank you for this.”
“Your welcome, sweetheart.”
His smile.
That freaking smile.
“By the way, how about the dinner?” He grinned from ear to ear, waiting for a reply. I guess he's excited to meet my parents. Well, to be fair, they're looking forward to meeting him too.
“You and Shaine are invited, as I said,” I answered, staring at the pink rose. The petals are so sweet and beautiful. It's dreamy in my perspective.
When was the last time I received a pink rose fresh from the garden? I was shocked. There's none. It's only Raven. He's efforts were really outstanding, making him different from the other guys. He even courted me in person, even when he knows I'm just going to reject him. He had never been afraid to show his feelings. The way he express it… is stunning.
“Excuse me, Arianna?” Our conversation was interrupted when my classmate approached me.
“Yes?” I asked.
“Shan's looking for you.”
“I beg your pardon.” My eyes blinked, talking to my classmate. Hey, did she just—
“I said Shan's looking for you. He's waiting for you outside,” she repeated and headed back to her seat after.
I stiffened while Shaine's mouth formed an o.
“What am I supposed to do?” I asked. A hint of hesitation is visible on my face. I look over my shoulder and there I saw his figure. Shit, oh, sorry for that.
Raven heaved a deep sigh. “Why don't you talk to him? I mean, he came here for you.”
Yes. He intentionally came here just to talk to me. But I don't have much courage to do that now. We're on the stage that everything about us was awkward. He didn't treat me as a stranger, he's even here to settle things with me.
“Really, Raven? You told Ari to talk to Shan then what, are you sure your heart's in good condition right now? I guess someone's jealous here,” Shaine chuckled. I nudged her on the arm as she only showed me a peace sign.
“I'm jealous, yes. But I'm not that selfish. And why would I? Ari and I are just friends.”
I don't know what to do anymore. There's Shan waiting for me outside and Raven saying he's jealous. This is fucking awkward! I hate this thing.
“He's already waiting for pass three minutes, girl. Are you sure you don't want to talk to him?” Shaine asked, observing the time on her wristwatch.
Shan said that we're gonna fix our friendship. I know him as a man of his word that's why he's here. He wanted to reach out… maybe. Question is, am I ready to see him? After I confess to him, I don't have the guts anymore to talk to him again.
“Ari, are you still with me? I'm asking you if you want to talk to Shan.”
I only blink my eyes, staring blankly at the door before us. I can see Shan's figure outside the window, standing back. He is patiently waiting while I'm reluctant to go outside.
This is not what I want. I never wanted to avoid him in the first place. He's my friend and ignoring his presence will not make me happy.
“Let's not force her if she's not yet ready to talk to him,” Raven butt in, saving the question for me. I don't know what he's feeling right now. But thank you for understanding.
“And where are you going?” I asked when he started to pace.
“I will be the one to talk to him, Ari. I'll tell him that you're not available today,” Raven replied and gave me a thumbs up. “Just stay there on your seat and relax. I'll do the talking.” Then he walked away.
I don't know what to do, so I just nodded my head.
“My heart, girl. He is a true gentleman. Oh my gosh! You should take him as your boyfriend. Look at that, your suitor is a catch,” Shaine commented while she's watching him talk to my childhood friend.
“Why are you so obsessed with him?” I asked.
“No I'm not. I just want him for you. Since you have no chance on Shan, then Raven will be the perfect one for you.”
“I don't want to make him a rebound.”
“What? I'm not saying you're going to make him as a rebound. All I want to say is that you guys are matching for each other.”
“It's just the same thing.”
“…alright, bro. Thank you for understanding.” Raven waved his hand to Shan as the latter reciprocated it with a slow nod. That's all I heard from their conversation. I didn't get the chance to listen on the rest.
“Oh my gosh! He's coming, Ari. Please hold the flower and imagine yourself as a beautiful princess and Raven as your prince charming,” Shaine said. I shot you're-crazy-I-swear look on her as she only chuckled.
“It's done. He said he understands.” Raven returned with a smile.