I stared lifelessly at my pregnancy kits. I lined it up and chuckled bitterly when it really shows to me that one red line.
Thousands of unwanted thoughts were gushing unto my mind and this time they can't be stopped anymore.
One of those are realizations that when you let your heart speak, you'll experience the best feeling and best days or nights in your life but it'll always be wrong, forbidden, sin and a mistake. And right now because i already experienced the best time of my life in exchange i'm already experiencing the consequences of committing mistakes.
Blaire's bitter and pained face keeps on floating in my mind nonstop.
Reality always slapped me so hard when I look at my pt's with all negative result.
And the thought of Light and his family, it seems that millions of bullets hit my heart while thinking at their reactions of what i did.
I was slapped that i wasn't on the right place to experience those. I was slapped about how thick face i am to do those to Blaire. I was slapped that how disgusting i am to have a sex with Light and how i'm an embarrassment to have a face to meet Light's family like what i did last week.
It stared at the mirror and laughed weakly.
"Y-you...you're just a match-maker," i harshly stated at myself towards the mirror.
"You're so disgusting Sumer, so disgusting..." i disappointedly stated while my tears are running down from my eyes like an opened faucet.
"How can you do this?! How can you betray Blaire h-huh?!" my voice croaked realizing a lot of things about what i have done.
"How can you do this to your best friend? To the person who only loves you, to the person who only cares for you? To the person who only appreciates you? To the person who's been your safe haven for years?! How can you aim to betray her after all the things she have done to you?!" I asked unbelievably at myself and hardly slapped my cheeks.
"H-how...how can i aim to fool Light's family?" I weakly clenched my fists and just let my tears to flow.
"You're so ruthless Sumer. You're too thicked face to betray and fool people who genuinely cares for you..." i bitterly whispered at myself on the mirror while letting myself to cry a lot.
I was too exhausted with lies i made for myself at the first place. I run my fingers to my hair while leaning my back on the wall.
I shouldn't blame somebody, only myself.
I brokenly cupped my face while tears aren't stop to fall and covered my mouth to lessen my noisy cry but it can't be lessen.
I don't know how long i took inside the bathroom. My boardmates are keep on knocking at the door because it was locked especially when they hear me crying, but thankfully i convinced them that i needed to be alone.
I don't have a face to show them. I was too embarrassed because of the things i have done they may not know it.
Thankfully i was blessed with understanding boardmates because they just let occupy and stay inside the bathroom even if they need to use it. I don't even know if i still deserve them. I don't know if I still deserve being treated nicely by the people around me, because for me i'm not. I deserve to be cursed, to be treated harshly and badly. I'm too heartless for betraying Blaire, i don't how to make everything right anymore.
Is there even a way to recover this? To make things right after what i did?
The whole day i stayed on the bathroom, i don't have enough strength to walk to my room, i just keep on noisily crying inside, lost about the things i have done and the things i needed to be done.
The next day, nothing's changed.
Guilt, disappointment, self-hate, over thinking, confusions, nervousness are eating all at once.
I don't know if i'm still sane.
I can't sleep because of it. My mind always recalling the things i have done and it's result right now.
I laggardly stood up from my bed and weakly walked at the mirror to stare at myself.
Tears are starting to from at my eyes again as i saw how hopeless i am right now. I can't recognize myself anymore.
I was just keep on standing and staring at myself when a knock on my door bombarded my thoughts.
I harshly looked at my door and wipe my tears away, thinking who could be that person.
But when the date flashed at my mind i suddenly stopped wiping my tears and heaviness of my heart is starting to be felt.
I slowly walked closer towards the door and stood up one more step away from it.
"W-who's there?" i asked keeping my voice not to croaked but i failed.
"It's Light, love," i heard a response from outside.
The beating of my heart doubled feeling two emotions at once.
I immediately panicked.
I'm battled whether i'll let him in or shoo him away.
I don't know how to face him. I shouldn't face him.
"Love, open me please. I missed you," Light spoke outside my room that made my tears to fall.
I tightly covered my mouth to avoid my cry to be heard.
His soothing voice, plus the way he said that he missed me made my heart broke. I don't deserve this.
"W-wait up!! I'm still changing!" i said as an alibi and without thinking, i hurriedly comb my hair, change my clothes and put some make up to cover my haggardness. I carefully shaded my lips with a nude matt lipstick and stood up properly after.
I exhaled sharply trying to stop my tears and to stop crying.
I stared at my reflection and tried to smile genuinely, but i always fail because my eyes screams different emotion.
I tightly covered my lipstick again and bravely exhaled.
It's time to make things right.
"You can do this Sumer. Be brave! You can make this!" i whispered at myself and finalize my look before walking closer to my door again.
"Light...you still there?" i asked whispering but enough for him to hear it.
"Yep, you done?" he answered.
I took a sharp long breath before unlocking my door.
A handsome and caring image of Light approaches me.
His hand immediately caressed my face.
"You cried," he stated while caressed the side of my eyes.
It was as if something had struck my heart because of what he had said.
"No, i'm just don't have enough sleep," i tried my best to come up an alibi.
Smiling, Light nod and didn't question me anymore maybe because it's evident on my face that i'm not interested to entertain his questions.
He stepped more closer to me and leaned his face towards mine but i directly look away. Making him kiss my cheeks inside my lip, Light chuckled when he noticed what i did that made me bit my lip.
This would be more difficult, enough to shatter my heart into a million pieces if ever i'll succeed doing this.
"Moods swings?" he softly asked but i just turned my back to him. It was a tough move but thankfully i successfully did it.
"Why are you here?" i strictly asked and seated down on my bed.
Light amusingly looked at me like he was surprised by my sudden change of mood.
"Visiting my two babies," he reasoned out and placed the basket on my study table.
"I bought you a lot of food. What do you want to eat?" he asked and started to get the foods out from the basket.
I hardly swallowed to clear my throat and immediately looked away.
"I'm not hungry," i answered and showed him that i'm not interested and not pleased by his presence. That was the hardest thing i did in my whole life.
If i could only do the things i wanted and like in this situation, but i know I shouldn't anymore. Look at what happened after letting my heart spoke and let it dictate me to do the things i wanted to do. I committed a lot of mistakes.
"Oh, alright," Light stopped what he's doing and just seated beside me.
I unconsciously moved away from him that made his forehead knotted.
"Love, do we have a problem?" he tenderly asked.
"None," i shook my head not looking at him only on the side of my eyes.
"Alright. You're really on a mood swing huh?" he amusingly and happily asked that made my throat dry.
"No..." the only word that i could quote the moment.
I'm thinking what step to do, to make things right and as far as possible to make things easier for me but with Light's presence, i think there would be no easy way for me.
Light chuckled and looked at my stomach.
"Son, you're Mom's in a bad mood. What do you think i need to do?" he asked for a help to our so-called baby, that i can't stop myself to bitterly laugh mentally.
I really hope so though.
I hope hardly that a baby's really in my tummy, Light. But there wasn't. Fate wants me to correct all of my mistakes. So even if how hard could it be, i'll do it no matter what. I'll correct my mistakes.
"Should i sing for her? Or dance? Or should i tell a poem?" he continued really looks so serious.
"Shut up," i hissed and moved away from him again.
Light immediately brought his head up to looked at me but he again bring it down, to look at my stomach.
"Damn, your Mom's became more beautiful when she's pissed," Light chuckled.
Instead of an overwhelming feeling, what i'm feeling right now is my heart getting heavy and heavy every minute. It is because, i know that i'll never hear those kind of words from him again once he'll know the truth. Once he'll discover how disgusting I am.
"I said shut up!!" i acted to sound irritated.
"Tss. I can't help but to completely fall for yo–"
"Light! I said shut up!! Or leave!!" i cutted him off.
I don't want to hear those kinds of words coming form him again, i might melt and do wrong things again.
"Alright, alright. Chill, i'm sorry." Light raised both of his hand that made me roll my eyes before looking away.
I calm my self and prepared my senses and everything inside me.
A long silence filled my four cornered room so i got a chance to think and come up with the first step i'll be doing to correct everything.
Without making a noise, i weakly picked up my phone then opened my gallery. Using the side of my eyes, i looked at Light who's just patiently and silently looking at me.
I scrolled for Blaires pictures and tightly held my phone as her beautiful face displayed on my phone's screen.
Difficultly i did all my courage and strength to turn at Light.
A glint of happiness was the first thing i saw on his eyes as i turned him that made me pained a lot.
"Uhm..." i cleared my throat.
He actively looked at me.
"Hmm?"
"I...i-i want show you...some–thing," i hardly spoke.
Light interestedly looked at me.
"What's it?" he asked.
For the last time, i tighten my hold with my phone before turning it on.
In a slow manner, i showed him my phone where Blaire's gorgeous face was displayed.
I tightly looked at Light to see his reaction.
And when a glint of adoration on his eyes was immediately displayed. It already broke and screwed my heart into a million pieces because i'm still starting to do this properly. And doing my job properly defines making me suffering and feel misery.