When i was young, i always question why we don't get the things that we all wanted? Why do we got disappointed? Why can't we just be happy all the time?
These days, i answered all those question. We don't get the things that we all wanted because some things will only drive us to danger, sometimes the thing we want is not for us and God is planning us something great than the things we want. We got disappointed to balance our life. And we can't be happy all the time because it isn't life already if we're just happy all through the times, we are living so it's normal to feel sad and such that are opposite of being happy.
I don't understand life before. And now, unfortunately i still don't. I may answer my question before, but i myself never understand the things i answered. I don't even get the essence of it. Because even when i already answered my question, i still want to attain the things i wanted. I still don't want to get disappointed. I still want to be happy everyday.
That's why life is already punishing me for being too hard-headed. I was even antonished to myself because i didn't became insane even after those things that happened to me. I realized that i was too strong for conquering all my problems without being out of mind but I know that something has changed on me.
Before my mind's so solemn, there's nothing inside except the Math formula's that i needed to memorize for my exam but right now, my mind is always in chaos. I don't have i peace of mind already, even when i'm sleeping i still don't. And i already get tired of it.
I wanted to rest. The one that will really make me rest forever. The type of rest that will make me forget all my problems, and with that I'll never ever remember it again.
The wind is blowing my hair as i step on a steel. I'm on the top of an abandoned building, this place is my getaway to everything when i'm still in my freshman year in the university I'm studying. And today, this place will forever be my getaway place from everything.
I step my foot at a tiny barricade and bowed down to look below. From where i'm standing, i can see the buildings from everywhere and i could also see alot of people doing there stuff.
I slightly smiled, i hope i could be like them.
Yes, my mind's tough for not being insane after all the things happened to me, but whole body will be never be tough like me mind. It's always weak. Easy to broke down. Easy to defeat. And today, i finally declared that i was really defeated. My fate defeated me.
I deeply exhaled before moving my feet and looked again at the ground from here. I can barely see the ground because of the distance.
This building's really tall.
I moved again my feet and i readied my self to jump.
Three...
I mentally counted down.
Two...
I closed my eyes saying goodbye to everything.
One...
"What are you thinking?!!" A strong hold from my elbow stopped me from jumping that made my eyes open.
I irritatedly looked at my back. "What the hell!!" A woman with a disheveled hair is what i saw who's tightly holding my right elbow. I tried to get away from her hold but instead of getting away i forcefully fell to the floor from the barricade i'm standing earlier.
"What the hell is your problem?!" I annoyingly asked while trying to stood up.
"Killing yourself through jumping from this building while never kill you, it will just injure you to the core. You'll be hospitalized, then your hospital bills will make you realized how idiot you are. Still go with your plan?" she stated while raising her eyebrow.
I twisted my lips and throw a dark look to her. "Yes. So what?" i asked also raising my eyebrow.
She chuckled. "You're really an idiot."
"And how did you know, that i'll never go dead after jumping this building?" I asked as i stood up.
"I just know," she answered and stared me. "Why do you want kill yourself? Do you have a dying disease?"
I raised my eyebrow before shaking my head.
"Did your family disowned and left you?" she again asked.
My forehead creased. I'm the one who left so, "No."
"Then why do you want to kill yourself? Didn't you know that you're too blessed to have that kind of life, you don't have serious illness and problems. While other people out there who's obviously don't have a hope are keep fighting for their life. While you?" She scanned me from my head to toe.
I hoarsely laughed. "Are you serious? Do you think i'll be thinking of killing my self without carrying such big problem? You're the one who's idiot here,"
"Well, let me tell you this. There's the girl i know. She have a stage four breast cancer. Her husband divorced her yesterday, her Mother and Father disowned her long time ago and her daughter never treated her as it's mother anymore. She was left and abandoned, she don't have any money to pay for her hospital bills the reason why she got kicked out from hospital. She even have a case because her hospital bills are too big but she can't pay it because she don't have any money even a single centavo. She's been starving for three days but she still wanted to survive for her life. Tell me is your situation more worst than the girl?"
I was taken aback. I think deeply about my problem. I was left out by Light because of my mistake. But i still have Blaire, even when i got jealous and hurt by her. She still treated my the best. I can eat three times a day, i don't have an illness. I don't have such big dept. I don't have similar problem to the girl she's talking about.
I chewed my lips after realizing it all.
But thinking that it isn't true. That maybe, this girl's just joking on me or telling me those to follow her plan if she wanted to do something to me, i looked at her. "And how did you even know that all? Instead of being here, why don't you help her?"
I saw the girl smiled slightly. "How I did know it all?"
She raised her left arm and put it above of her head. "I'm the girl, i'm talking about." She pulled her hair the reason why her bald head appeared.
My jaw immediately dropped. "W-what..." i whispered unbelievably.
I stared at her bald head, if you look closely it's not totally bald because there's still tiny and few hair left but if you look it from afar it's really bald.
I felt like my heart stopped beating for a second because of her revelation. My eyes can't stop popping out until she chuckled.
"So how's it?" she asked while caressing her head. Because of that, the hem of her shirt fell down the reason why i saw small wound that i think because of needles.
I swallowed hardly before looking at her while biting my bottom lip.
"Don't you dare pity me, i'm warning you," she stated when she saw my reaction.
"How? How did you manage all this?" I asked.
"I don't know." She shrugged. "Maybe because of my want to be with my daughter back? I know that she's just mad at me because I'm not attending to her school programs anymore unlike on the past. Maybe that thought make me keep fighting for my life even if it's clear that i don't have a hope anymore. But for my daughter, i'll decide my on fate. I'll live longer." She bravely stated.
I can't help but to tear up. Hearing this all from her made me realize that i'm really an idiot for thinking to kill myself when i only have a dense problem unlike her. Yes, my problem is kinda hard to solve but unlike her i don't have any illness that is stopping me to do it. She's less fortunate but keep on fighting her life while me?
I walked closer to her and immediately hugged her. We may only met today, and we may don't know each others names but i could feel that she needs me and i need her in this moment. "You're so tough. Keep going, you'll see your daughter just don't give up." I whispered while caressing her back.
"Yes, I know. And you, don't give up that easily. There's no problem in this world that can't be solved as long as you're alive." She whispered back. I repeatedly nod my head.
After that talk, i felt like a big part of heaviness on my heart lifted up. The reason why right on this day, after i offered Angelica, the girl who stop me from suiciding, a small help, i found my self in front of Light's house pushing the doorbell.
Minutes later, an old lady opened the gate.
"You must be Sumer," she stated.
"Uhm, yes that's me. How did you know me ma'am?" I asked.
"You're Light's girlfriend right?" I was taken aback. I hope so, i really hope so too that i can have that word for my self. But unfortunately, i don't have a right.
I swallowed. "Is Light here?" i diverted the topic.
"Yes! Yes! Did you two fight? He's been drinking when he arrived here until now. He can't be stop, most especially that his parents aren't here," she said.
"Really? Yes, we had a fight yesterday. Can i talk to him?" I worriedly asked.
What's that guy is thinking about? Is he planning to ruin his liver?!
"You really should!" she stated and opened the gate widely. "Come in!"
I immediately followed her inside the house. Then minutes later we arrived on a like dining room area but when i peeked inside, I saw that there's a lot of liquor here.
"Oh, he's talking with his brothers..." the old woman whispered. "Just wait here for awhile okay? And please mend this mess of you two. I'm his nanny when he's young, and i know everything in him. Yesterday until now, even he don't say to me. I know that he loves you deeply."
"Alright thank you," i hardly said because there's a big lump on my throat that was just formed when she said that Light love me.
The old lady nodded before walking away because she has things to do also.
So i just walked near to their mini-bar, i think? I waited to him and his brothers to end their talk. And because i'm near to them, i can't help and stop but to eavesdrop on their conversation.
"You really love her that much?!" I don't recognize who's talking but i know it's not Light.
"Asshole, will he be like this if not?!" Another unfamiliar voice asked.
"You're smitten man, deeply and hardly. That's bad but for people who's inlove that's good. Let's just hope that she felt the same," the first voice i heard talked again.
"Get out from here." My heart skipped a bit when I heard Light's voice. He sounds tired and sleepy.
"Yes we will, but stop drinking that!! That's my favorite! Asshole!" Another voice exclaimed.
"But really bro, what did that girl did to you?" A curios voice asked.
"She...fuck! Just get out from here." Light tiredly said. I bit my lower lip.
"She fucked another guy?!" A man exclaimed.
"Fucking no!! If that happened then i'm not here drinking. I'll be very busy killing that guy. Will you two get out from here already?!!" Light exclaimed.
"Alright. Chill!!" his brother said before going out.
I fearfully stepped back when i heard some footsteps coming closer. Gladly, the two face the left direction the reason why they didn't saw me.
I watched them until they get out of the house before peeking at Light.
He's still drinking while leaning on a stool. Inside is kind dim but i still can clearly see his red face and droopy eyes.
Watching him and thinking of his possible reaction when he see me made me want to back out. But like what Angelica said, there's no problem that has no solution unless we're dead. I bravely goes out from hiding and slowly walked inside.
I got shook when i finally saw inside. A lot of bottle of liquors were shattered anywhere, on the floor and on the table. What that old lady said was real! His been drinking since yesterday! Omygosh! Why don't they stopped him?!
Standing right on the doorway, made me block the light that's is giving lightness inside because there's no enough light here, all were neon lights. The reason why Light moved his face to me when he noticed it.
"Who are you?" he drunkenly asked.
I swallowed before stepping closer to him. "Stop drinking already..." i tried to get the bottle of liquor from his hand but he immediately moved it away.
"Shut up." He stated then bring the liquor up and directly poured it to his mouth. "Light!!" I hissed and tried again to get the bottle.
He swayed his hand before looking up to me. Because of wanting to catch the bottle my whole body was slightly dropped unto him. That's why right now, my arms where on his thighs and my face where a few inches from his. I can smell his hot breathe, and it was all smell of alcohol.
"Love?" He whispered.
I stopped.
And stared him.
His eyes is half open while looking at me, that made me swallowed hardly.
His hand slowly rise up and even in a sleepy state he managed to put my hair behind my ear. "You smell like her..." he whispered again.
"But i don't think she'll go here." He slowly shrugged and let go of me then dunk his face on the table. "Fuck my head hurts." He groaned.
"Light, it's me Sumer..." i softly stated and tried to held his hand but thinking that it isn't appropriate to do it, i withdraw my hand from attempting to hold it.
His head move to face me but dunk again on the table.
"What do you want?" he drunkenly asked.
My heart clenched because of it but thinking Blaire, i opened my mouth to speak.
"I'm here to ask you to go on a date with my best friend, Blaire," i bravely stated.
I know it is kind of stupidity to tell him this because he's drunk and will surely forgot what i'm saying when he recovered but i don't have enough time to keep on pushing him towards Blaire. I just hope, he's sober right now even though it's clear that his not. But what if right? What if he's like the other drunk guys who's like a sane even when they're too drunk.
I saw Light's side lip rose. "Why do you keep on pushing me to her?"
"Matchmaking? Matchmaker? Oh, fuck that. It won't work on me." He hissed.
In my four years, no one ever told me those kind of words. But unbelievably, those was the things i needed to wake up from where i'm used to. Right on this moment after hearing those from Light. I realized and felt so sorry for those people i disturbed a lot just for my so called matchmaking, that only lead to noting. But i'll never be sorry for those couple i matched successfully. I saw that they're happy with each other, but for people i disturbed. I felt so ashamed on them.
It made me realize that i don't have any right to decide for a person's choice and most especially i don't have any right to disturbed him or her for my reasons.
So, i decided to never make it again. Because aside from matchmaking lead to my biggest problem in life, i just don't have a single right to mingle with random persons life and make money with it.
But...Light and Blaire is an exception. I will still pursue them. Just for the last one, i want to set another couple. Even though, i think i would be having a hard time with this. But for the last time, for Blaire's sake i'll continue doing this. Then after, i promised i'll never do it anymore.
"Just please, one date. Only one, please. If it won't work, i'll never bother you anymore. Blaire was just too inloved with you. Please, just give her a change. She's a great woman. And she love you so much–"
"How about you? Do you love me?" he cut me out.
I was taken aback. His head finally rose and stared at me. My hunches were right, even if he's drunk he can still be talked seriously. But not this kind of serious.
"Don't you want to date with me? Why don't you match yourself to me, i'm sure that'll work. Why don't you please me to give you a chance huh?"
"It was really a game for you? Did you have fun?" he stated me with a fiery look. "Answer me,"
No. I don't.
"Yes," i bravely answered opposite with what my mind says.
Light half smilingly chuckled. "You said you want me to date your best friend for just once right?"
"Yes."
He leaned near me, and whispered. "Then make me have fun with you also. Let's have a deal, one fuck with you, one date with Blaire."