“ No ”.
No?, What does she mean by no, like no no?, like she feels nothing for me or she doesn't want this relationship to happen?, was I mistaken all along?, Oh God.... I think I just made a mess.
I tried to keep a blank face, but my eyes are getting much heavier as the clock ticks, frustration and regret gripping me. I just messed up our professional relationship, thinking that she felt the same way I felt, oh God.... I shouldn't be regretting this, I shouldn't be regretting my decision, I already made it and wouldn't have regretted it had it turn out right, it just something I should allow to be a by pass.
“ I'm really sorry Sir.... I do love you and wants something intimate with you, but I can't, it just can't happen ”.
I wanted to ask for reasons, but what's the use, am I looking for something to hide into?, An excuse to blame on, there's no need for that. “ It's okay Lydia, it's all good, I just wanted to let you know how I felt about you, I won't say that I am not mad right now, I do feel a little rejected, but that's something normal, as you said, it just can't happen ”.
I believe she's trying to be the professional one here, she's trying to maintain that professional relationship between us, but I almost jeopardized that, and right now, I don't think it will all go back to normal, what's broken is broken, even if you fix it, the scars will be there.
“ I know you possibly want this to pass by right now and you don't want to ask for reasons.... If only you will hear me out, I want to share the reason with you even if you aren't going to ask.... This wasn't about you David, I feel exactly the same way or even more, but I have a past, a past men like you wouldn't want, I might be so young, but my past haven't been long I escaped from it, you're someone I don't deserve, we might've this close friendship, but I have my punishments, I have to suffer for my past mistakes, getting you involved is the last thing I want, if letting go of my feelings towards you was easy, I would just make the move, but please, I don't want you to feel rejected, there's more to this than you can understand....”.
I was speechless, waiting for her to finish, on many occasions did I wanted to interrupt, but I held myself back, the questions I wanted to ask buzzing in my head, I never wanted to ask for reasons, but with what she just said right now, I'm now curious. Just stay silent David, it will all pass away, it always does.
She grabbed my hand on the table, I haven't said a single word again, knowing that the moment I speak, I might regret the decision. “ If only it was this is, you would have seen all of me, I would have shown you the love I have for you, as much as I wanted to walk away because I have felt too attached, yet I couldn't, I was getting the feelings that this is about to happen, yet I stayed put, you definitely don't want someone like me.... Please, don't change the way you treat me because of this, you are the only one who makes me smile, but being the woman by your side, is definitely not my place to be....”.
She was sitting across from me, tears rolling down her cheeks, she never really told me anything, all she was saying was she doesn't deserve me, that she has a past, that she has to be punished. I know the kind of generation we're in, it's not easy being in a relationship nowadays, men even wants to stay single but have their own kids, woman have been taking advantage of the power given to them and men are the ones suffering for that, they'll be crying, yet what they say are lies, I never took Lydia that way, I made approach towards her was because she has the same similarities as my mom, but now, it feels like my readings weren't correct. She wants me to treat her the way I was used to, it might be hard to do that now because she just made it clear to me that I have no chance with, I got her so close at first because I had something serious I wanted with her, but the fact there's no chance for that relationship, I'm going to treat her as a professional like I was supposed to.
“ I'll try”.
I have no reason to lie to her, better to give her heads up like this than promising her something unachievable. I respect her though, she knows what she wants or whatever, it doesn't matter, but for me, I don't make friends, especially with a lady, if it's not for personal benefits, then it's something serious between us, but since she's not in any of that category, we're going to remain professional, Boss and employee relationship, I just hope she's not too attached to the treatment I was giving her that she would feel like I'm not treating her better the moment I go professional.
When she left my office, I relaxed back, my back rested on my chair, head dropped back and looking up the ceiling before I covered my face with my palms, Oh God... I hope I doesn't make a certain mistake at this moment, I'm still heartbroken for the reply I got, I wanted to push them out of my mind, but at this point, my day is ruined, I wanted to sit up and throw it all aside, but it doesn't look possible, so I did one thing I felt like I can handle.
“( Hello Jack.... Can we possibly meet up at the bar by 19:00?)”.