"... No wonder nobody likes me," She grumbled and let out a sigh once more. Astrid Hawthorne shrugged her shoulders as she drifted her sight onto the book she was gripping. She leaned her back on the bookshelf and gazed into the roof.
"I've been staying here for almost two hours yet I couldn't find anything helpful." She complained.
"Now people would think I'm crazy because I am talking to myself." she continued and shoved her face onto her knees, she put down the book on the footing and locked her eyes for a period.
"Where is Mace Leo? Why isn't she here with me? I thought she wanted to be my best friend?" She mumbled and started frowning as she closed her eyes and sat on the library floor. She took a moment to think, and tons of ideas were on her head.
Those ideas she cannot contain.
As she tries to focus her mind on the book she's flipping through, she halts upon hearing a voice. "Hey, uh. Hawthorne? Hi?" The curiosity made her stare and see the owner of the voice, she's not familiar with him but those throaty voices snatched her attention and so her eyes hastily scanned the guy's figure.
"Hi, how can I help you?" She replied, amazed.
"Well, I heard you talking alone and I just thought that maybe I can accompany you? If that's okay, I can see that everybody's been avoiding you but I think you are good to be with." She could sense that he was anxious, his voice was shuddering and that made Astrid giggle.
"I can see that you're concerned." She spoke, which made the guy blush out of embarrassment.
"No…"
"You can join me if you wish. By the way, what's your name?" Her wide smile started to be visible on her edges, and it eventually made the guy feel shy to approach her.
"My name's Louis Feldirez, I was the one who found your pad and I wanted to return it to you but you're just so hard to reach. Anyhow, I would like to know if you've got it?" He introduced his name and sat beside her, he couldn't look straight into her eyes because he thought that she's too innocent.
"You're the guy whom Mace mentioned to me," Astrid felt surprised but she managed to retain her smile. "... Thanks for returning my notebook, how did you know me, by the way?"
"It's quite embarrassing to tell this, but I've been seeing you from afar since the day you moved here. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to stalk you or anything, it's just that I'm way directed on you and I want to befriend you somehow if that's okay." Louis tried to feel comfortable around her, he knew that he shouldn't be introducing himself to her, he is a mess, that's what he believes.
"I thought I was weird but you're way creepier. You know what, let's be friends. I admire you for being brave and approached me." And she smiled, which made Louis chuckled and shrugged.
"So why didn't you attend the class?" He asked suddenly.
"I don't like to proceed with my lessons today, and I'm waiting for someone. How about you? Books aren't your thing, I can say." Astrid replied.
"Oh, you're expecting someone. I was just browsing for some science editions since it's very helpful for my night lessons. I was just passing by into this section and I saw you, so I paused for a while." He explained.
"Oh, I see."
Both of them kept silent and it made the setting feel uncomfortable. It took seconds before Louis Feldirez spoke to break the silence but he was postponed when the librarian arrived and greeted him. "Mr. Feldirez, I assume that you're supposed to attend your classes for this hour? What made you stay any longer? Would you like to meet me at the detention room?"
"Detention is fun, you should try it sometimes." Astrid jokingly said and let out a chuckle, Louis on the other hand forced a smile and faced their librarian, Talia Sanders.
"My apologies, ma'am." He couldn't help but look disturbed, he scratched his nape and gradually turned his eyes at the young lady beside her, he got up from squatting on the floor. "I gotta go now, thanks for your time, Astrid. Nice talking with you." He bids his goodbyes and walks away.
Astrid got the moment to stare at Talia Sanders, she admired her beauty. "Hi, miss Talia. Would you like to have a time with me?" She greeted her with a smile, but as usual, the librarian's expression didn't change.
"I can see that you're having a moment with yourself. Why don't you get up and lead your way at the counter? You can do your reading there." The librarian said which surprised her. She hastily stood up and fixed her stuff. Such offers are once in a while and she doesn't want to miss them.
"So, why didn't you attend your class, Hawthorne?" Talia Sanders questioned.
"I'm sorry about that, miss Talia. I don't feel like going to class. But I did some quick research and that's why I got these books." Astrid replied and displayed the books she was holding.
"I see. How's your part-time work? I've heard that you've gained more mutual friends and the store's customers have increased? That's very good to hear, that bookstore has been my favorite place." Talia spoke, which eventually made the young girl gasp in surprise.
"You're one of the regular clients?"
"Oh why, yes. You probably didn't remember me," the librarian replied, which made Astrid think and tried to recall those days she's out for labor.
"So, why do you think the world is against you?" The woman asked all of a sudden which made Astrid pause from scanning the book she was holding.
"What do you mean?"
"Do you always conclude that the world is unfair?"
Turmoil and wonder are dressing on her countenance upon giving attention to the sudden concerns of the woman. She doesn't know what she's trying to say and it gives her chills. Astrid sighed and confronted her.
"I can sense the world's unfairness. I can see it everywhere, I can hear them, and I can feel it too. It pushes me to question a lot of things."
"Have your doubts answered?"
She hesitated before even answering. "No, none of them are settled. My point of view of the world makes me question if God is even real? I've heard a lot of times even in classes that He's the One who created the universe and the world, so apparently, we are His creations and He loves us, they say. But I think it doesn't make any sense because if He truly cares for us, then people shouldn't have to withstand misery."
A smile was brought out on Talia's face. "So you once believed in God?" She asked.
"No, I don't know anymore. For me, I would praise the people for being so genius to the point that they invented such a myth and always strive to prove it's true." She was stopped when a memory flashes on her mind, a memory from the past—it should be forgotten.
"How about you, miss Talia? Do you believe in God?" Astrid asked back.
"Perhaps."
"Why?" Astrid Hawthorne asked once again, but Talia Sanders replied only with a smile. The expressions on their faces explain it all, they have memories that they don't want to recall.
"I think you're strict and rude, miss Talia. But I guess I was wrong, you're kinda nice." The young lady complimented, trying to break the silence of the atmosphere. The librarian laughed and caressed her head.
"You are a nice girl, Hawthorne. You can come by some other time and discuss stuff with me. I'd be willing to talk to you."
"Thank you, miss Talia!"
Meanwhile, they had fun exchanging chats. The student, Mace Leo, entered the library entrance and seemed like she's gawking at someone. She roamed her sight to the four corners of the building and was relieved when she found who she's looking for. She then headed to the library counter and interrupted the two ladies.
"Hi, excuse me! Good afternoon, miss Talia, Uh, can I borrow Astrid for a moment?" Mace Leo said upon reaching the location.
The librarian chuckled and nodded her head while Astrid on the other hand was surprised to see her friend. "Where did you go, Mace?" She asked out of curiosity.
"Let's talk outside."
The two had their way out of the building and bid their farewell to Talia. While leading the way towards their room, Astrid couldn't help herself but poke her friend. "I was looking for you earlier, and you're not around."
Mace gradually stopped walking and faced her friend, "I'm so sorry, Ash! I had an urgent cell group meeting at the school garden and I thought that if I invited you there, you wouldn't like it."
"Was that your bible study?" Hawthorne asked.
"Yes, that includes Blythe, Sera, and Valliree," Mace replied. Astrid seems unhappy upon hearing the names of the said group.
"Why did you include Sera and Valliree in your group? You know that they're bullies and they're not good to be with. You should kick them out." She suggested and she was disturbed because of how those girls annoyed her and made rumors about her.
"I know they're being a bad influence on campus, but that's the main reason why I asked them to be part of my cell group," Mace explained.
"Why? I thought good people are the ones who are allowed to participate? I can't see them as one."
"Come on, Astrid. It's not necessary to invite good people into small bible studies and church gatherings. What we prioritized are those individuals who know they need God." Mace uttered and smiled, but it seems that it didn't convince Astrid at all. Her countenance changed and she's displeased by the thought that they have bad attitudes and are part of a certain Christian group.
"What do you want to point out?"
"I can't change them, but God can. I am just here to guide and teach them. I am not perfect as well, I commit mistakes and I fail. But that doesn't mean we don't get a chance, the Lord's mercies are new every morning when you wake up—He's got a plan for you."
Astrid remembered the conversation she had with Talia at the school library. She had so many questions but none of them were answered. "Does God give chances for people to change?" She asked, and her aura changed. She gritted her teeth, trying to grasp her temper.
"You've mentioned before that He is merciful, and He created us—we have the same image as Him, but why do other people doesn't reflect mercy and love at all? Why don't other people consider this? Why do other people don't have a heart like Him?" Those questions came out of her mouth which surprised Mace, worries could be seen on her face when she saw how tears fell from her friend's eye.
"Does God even exist? Why did He let me grieve so much and didn't do anything to save me? Answer me, Mace."
"Astrid, hey…" Unable to utter any single word, Mace rushed her way and gave Astrid a tight hug. The words which pierced through her heart left a sudden wound, being hurt of what she said still she managed to give comfort. She could feel the burden within her heart and she was convicted to share the Word of God.
"Bad things happen in life, Astrid. I, myself, have experienced such grief. Yes, we didn't go through the same circumstances and trauma, I've never been in your shoes, but trust me… everything happens for a reason, and your pain has a purpose. Sometimes, we don't know what He's doing, but He is always working. He didn't say, see and believe, but He told us to believe in Him for us to see His wonders. He won't choose us and let us suffer the pain which the world gives. Whatever you've gone through, you'll be freed from that, claim it, Astrid. In Jesus Name."