“So, how's the day with me?” Shaine asked, smiling at me. Little did I know that she took a video during our stay on the coffee shop, and she's playing it all over again on the screen.
“Actually, that was last day,” I replied, flipping through the pages of my notebook. Yeah. I have to remind myself of the upcoming quiz later.
“Yeah, I know. But how was it?” she asked again. I swear she is indeed disturbing me because I'm trying my best to study our lesson.
“Absolutely good.” I turned on her, smiling. I can still remember the band playing songs, the music melting me softly. Even when I got home, the feeling's still there.
But no lies, last day with Shaine is indeed fulfilling. We went to the mall to buy groceries, she bought a pair of crocs for me, then we eat a meal together. Before we got home, she brought me to the coffee shop, where we witnessed some of the songs that the said band have played.
“I'm looking forward to more hangouts with you, Ari. 'Til the end, you will remain as the closest person in my heart.” She clung into my arm as she said those.
I don't know, but I suddenly felt a drop of tear rolling on my cheek. Am I touched by what she said? After all, we've been this close throughout the years. It's natural to be emotional when you know there's one person out there who will never be gone in your side.
“You're making me cry,” I whispered. Then suddenly, I felt her hug.
“I love you so much, Ari.”
I didn't get the chance to reply since our math teacher already arrived. But I was secretly smiling while listening to the discussion. I got touched and at the same time inspired by what my friend said. She even made me cry, huh?
The math discussion was followed by our teacher in computer, who told us to come in the com lab for our daily computer lecture. Then ahead of that is the recess time. As usual, Shaine and I went to the cafeteria together to buy snacks.
“Why don't you order soft drink or even orange juice? Ari, you always drink water. Aren't you tired of being so much hydrated? C'mon, try other drinks sometimes.”
“No, thanks. You can order if you want. Don't force me to do it.” I raised a brow, looking at Shaine who is seated before me.
“Correction, I'm just suggesting, not forcing,” she chuckled and asked me to stop raising my brows.
After finishing our snacks, we immediately headed back to our room to attend our P. E class. Nothing's new about it, still discussing sports. Then, right after the subject dismissal, I took out my phone and browsed on my Facebook. My newsfeed is full of shared posts and photos when I scrolled down.
“Mine.”
My god!
My eyes lingered on my phone screen, widened in shock. I didn't expect to see something like this. What the—
I checked the post and made sure that my eyes are in good condition before I called Shaine. This can't be. I'm badly hoping for a mistaken post.
“What is it?” She walked toward me, her hair swaying from left to right.
“Check this one.” I handed my phone to her.
How I wish this is just an error. Anyone could possibly made a mistake in writing their captions, right? But that is not the case here. I mean, the picture attached to it can prove that it's real and that the one who posted it didn't make a mistake on the chosen caption.
“Mine.” Her eyes squinted after reading the one word but big boom caption. It shook me and Shaine. We can't believe it.
“How do you judge?” I asked as she returned the phone back to me.
“There is something fishy on that.”
I threw my glance back on the screen, where a caption is attached to a photo featuring Marga and Shan. Though she didn't elaborate the caption, people will still know what's the hidden meaning there. It is a throwback photo, but if you look closer on the caption you will surely notice that it is not just a throwback. The way she used the word mine, it's kinda obvious already.
“But don't overthink, okay? Mine is a common word, and it can be use in different ways. Like in online selling, you will comment mine if you are interested in the item. Maybe it's just like that. She wanted to mine Shan,” my friend started explaining. I know what she was doing. She is raising another theory to divert my attention because she doesn't want me to get hurt. Sorry, I am already hurting. But thanks for always trying to protect my emotions.
I heaved a sigh. “Well, no one can confirm it except for the two of them.”
Since there is only one way to find out, I can't wait for the class dismissal at five in the afternoon. I have no choice but to ask Shan about it. That's my plan to confirm the maybe caption that is bothering me since earlier. Time flies so fast, and he is already inside my car.
“You texted me if we can talk after dismissal. What's up, Ari? Is there anything you need?” He was seated on the passenger's seat while I was beside him.
“I just want to ask something but don't worry it will not last for an hour.” Because I was eager to know more about the caption, I didn't have the chance to apologize for disturbing him.
“Sure, I won't mind you asking.”
Since he agreed to talk to me, I took out my phone and made a swiping gesture before I got to the main post. This is it. You chose to be straightforward, self. There's no turning back. “Remember this?” I showed the screen to him.
“Yeah. That's a throwback photo that Marga posted this morning. And what about it?”
Oh, hell. It's none of my business, and I know that. But I can't be comfortable, overthinking what's the possible meaning of that. It's killing my mind. I don't want to drain my brain in entertaining so many thoughts.
“Sorry if I'm going to ask you this… but what does this caption mean? I just want to hear it from you if ever—” I cut my sentence when I saw a smile in his lips. Am I gonna continue or not? My gut feeling already guess what's on his head right now.
Shit. Don't tell me—
“Yes, Ari, you hit it right.”
Oh, my god… Don't tell me…
I still want to believe that he just said the wrong word. I don't want to be desperate but sometimes I would like to believe myself on a lie. C'mon, he just said the wrong word, right? Agree with me, please…
“What do you mean?” My voice was about to crack, but I made my best to maintain my composure.
“It's official.”
My jaw dropped as I gulped. I thought it was a mistake, and now I'm finally hearing the truth from him. Geez. It hurts… so bad. My heart couldn't find its way to relax. It's beating fast.
It's official.
It's official.
It's official.
Those words seemed stuck in my head as I was staring at him. I want to cry. I want to cry… glad I still have the strength to hold it back.
Do you know how it feels to be someone who's forcing herself not to cry, even how painful the situation is? I cannot find the exact words to explain my pain. All I know was that my heart is aching, hurting… wrecked.
“H-How come, Shan?” I stuttered. There was something I want to say, but I can't put it into words, considering the pain in my chest.
“Ari, I realized I'm still into her. If you love the person, you ain't gonna look on her mistakes, right? That's exactly what I'm doing. I love her so much…” I saw the happiness written across his face. He was contented. And he's not gonna give up his love.
I went empty, like absolutely speechless. Hearing him say that he still love that girl? Dude, it's breaking me into pieces. I'm completely devastated.
I wish I can tell him my pain, so he will be aware that right now at this moment… I'm breaking. I will if I could, but I can't. There were so many reasons blocking me from doing that. He's my friend. I can't afford to ruin our friendship.
“You were there those times that I'm at my worst because of her. And to that, I'm thankful. I just realized lately that holding a grudge to other people will not make me a better guy. And I can't lie to myself because I still love her. Now that she's here… I don't want to squander any second. I don't want to regret just because one moment in my life I didn't try to fight for our love.”
No, Shan. Don't thank me because I was there for you. Thank yourself because you managed to be a good person despite what happened. You are being true to your word that you're going to love her no matter what.
And I'm sorry if I'm hurt. It's not your fault, but still, I'm hurt. God, please erase the pain in my chest. I already had too much in my plate… I'm afraid this will be my greatest downfall.
“What if she'll hurt you again?” I asked after I brought myself back to normal. He's still seated on my side, his sighs as heavy as mine. I fear he'll be hurt again. I can't afford to see him breaking just like what happened before.
But that's not what his eyes says. It evokes a different Shan. He doesn't look scared to take the risk again. He's not afraid to love the same girl who broke his heart before. He's more ready to give all the best for that girl. And seeing that in his eyes made me jealous. I wish it could be me, the one that he love.
It should be me, not Marga.
“We promised ourselves to be not the same old person as we were before. We promised to settle everything before it's too late. We're not gonna let that thing happen again.”
I know that comeback is real, and it made relationships even stronger than before. And as his childhood friend, I should he happy for him. But the hell it is… I find myself breaking instead. I can't be happy for him… because I love him so much.
I can't accept it.
I'm so sorry, Shan. But I can't be happy for you. I just can't…
“But promises are made to be broken,” I remarked, looking away. I can't manage to have a straight contact with him. The more I stare into his eyes, the more pain I felt.
“I know. But this time… I'm not gonna let go of her anymore. I'll fight for her as long as I can. I love Marga so much, Ari. She's the dream of my life. If it's not her, it's not anyone.”
Ouch! I felt the blunt like his words have blades. You will never have a chance, Ari. He already said it. If it's not Marga, it's not anyone. Literally… not me.
“You really can't lose her, huh?” I pretended that I was doing fine. My voice was so calm. But deep inside, it's already breaking. No. It's already broken.
“Right. I would rather lose myself than to lose her. I can't. She's my life, Ari.”
Then a tear rolled in my cheek. I wiped it away before I shifted my gaze from the window to him. “Hoping all the best for your relationship, Shan.”
I plastered a painful, bitter smile.