Heaven's Point of View
"Your grades are so low!" She said and hit my head with the card she got in front of my friends. I felt so humiliated when I saw them holding their laughs. I know that day hatred grew on me.
I was a third year elementary student who had all A+ except for that one subject who gave me a B. I just gaslighted myself into thinking that mom just wants the best for me and that she pushes me hard so that I wouldn't be a failure.
But it made me have low self-esteem because the moment I had a highest score at my quiz, my friends would tease me for not being able to perfect it just the way my mom wants.
"Your score still wasn't enough!" Riza said and burst out laughing with my other friends. They even added it with "At least even if I don't get highest score, I still have loving and proud parents"
So that made me stop gaslighting myself in believing that they love me and just want me to do the best. My friend's parents were thankful that they passed and had no failing grades while my parents want me to be perfect when they know I can't.
I went home after being outside for a long time. When I went home, my parents were fighting over money because they wasted it on gambling. I just passed by them to drink water when I got involved.
"Your children were so useless! Instead of finding ways to make money, they were outside playing! Useless motherfuckers!" My dad said. I have a lot to say but I chose to be silent and just let him speak nasty to me.
It hurts me but I know that it's useless to speak up in this kind of environment. I may be the one who would turn out to be bad and they may use it to justify their actions.
After I drank water, I just passed them again to go to the room. I changed my clothes and went to bed. I'm tired and sleep would be my escape from the reality that I had.
In my dreams, I can be free. I can be free from all the nasty stuff and just be who I am. I can be free from stress and trauma that they let me experience. I can be free from the pain and injustices that I had to deal with. And with that, I always sleep praying that I won't wake up anymore.
"Heaven! You're really lazy just like your dad! Fuck this life really! Go to Lydia's store and get us some food!" My mom nagged. I just woke up from being spank by her.
I just followed her order without asking for the money. She would just nag and say that she doesn't have money left and would want me to borrow from Lydia's store. I went there and asked for canned food and eggs. She's kind enough to lend me those.
"Pst, Heaven play with me" Lydia's child, Lawrence asked me. I went closer to him and raised my eyebrows.
"Are you still five years old? Look, Lawrence, I don't have plenty of time for useless things so grow up!" I said annoyed. I know that I'm just being envious because his parents let him do those things and didn't pressure him at his young age.
"You're so serious about your life, Heaven. We know we're both children, we're still eight years old and my mom said that I'm still a kid that can play" He said. He didn't get my point and it's useless to speak with morons.
"Yeah, that's why you can't even get to the top section" I said and rolled my eyes, ready to leave the scene.
"I'm sorry to inform you of this but next year, I will be at the top section that you're in and would probably beat you" He said that made me laugh. It was probably the most hilarious joke that I have heard from him.
"Just keep daydreaming about it. We all know, you can't" I said and left him there. I know that it's impossible but that made me scared. Just by thinking that he's going to beat me and my mom would know about it. That would add to my jealousy of him and it would be an endless comparison that I hate about.
I went home, thinking of it. While I cook, while I eat, I can't even focus on my assignments because I keep thinking about it. There would still be a possibility that he would go to the top section that I belong to if he aced his section.
But that's so impossible just by thinking about his personality. He seems to be the person who would rather play than pay attention to his studies. And if he would get in my section, I won't let him beat me. That would be the impossible dream that he had.
"Heaven!" My mom screamed and brought me to reality.
"What?" I asked her while finding the assignments that I'm going to do. I was shocked when she suddenly combed my hair using her hands. Then she sat down beside me, we were at the study table that my dad made.
"I'm just going to ask if I can borrow some money because they said scholars finally got their money" That's why. That's why she looks so tamed and kind. I just asked how much and she finally revealed her true colours.
"Of course, all of what you just got! You don't need the money because we were the one who gave you food and shelter! Give it to me!" She nags. I get my wallet and give her some money. I still hid the few so that I can buy materials on my projects without asking for her.
After she got the money, she left without saying 'thank you' but it was enough for me. I finally got my peace again and begging for her 'thank you' would create more stress.
I went to a convenience store to buy some ready-made meals for me and my siblings. She didn't even cooked meal and if I didn't hide some money, we would starve.
"Heaven! Treat us something, we heard that scholars just got their money and you're one of them!" Riza said. The money that I hide is just enough for the meals that I would buy for me and my siblings.
"I can't, maybe next time" I said and get to the ready-made meal section and choose the best dish.
"Waiting for your next time feels like we're waiting for the earth to pop out" Riza said. I don't know why I'm still holding back and not arguing with them when it was so obvious that they are just coming for me because they want to get something from me.
"Here, buy some manners with this money and don't bully her again!" Someone at my back speaks. I glanced to take a look of who it was and was more ashamed because it was Lawrence. "Take this now or wait til your eyes pop out" He added which scares Riza and her friends. They get the money and get out of the store.
"You shouldn't intervene and scare them" I said and got three ready-made meals. They would tease me and wouldn't give me peace once I got to school the next day.
"I thought you're the bravest girl that would speak up if it's wrong but I mistaken you to be" He said. That annoys me, why do people always assume I'm this kind of girl and not this kind of girl. Why would they always make assumptions for me?
I didn't reply to him and just ignored him. I don't want to make a scene and I would hold back as long as I can.
When I went home, I called my siblings so that we could all eat. They were thankful that I still care for them and not let them starve. That made me want to cry about how much I hated my parents for doing this to us.
We were all young to let this kind of treatment be experienced. My youngest sibling was just four years old and he woke up from the reality that there's no love or care to be experienced in this kind of place.
My parents were still my inspiration to get my goals done. They were my inspiration that I shouldn't be like them who had a failure life and a failure family. I wouldn't let my children and my future still experience this kind of thing because I would chase the succession more than the people that would somehow get in my way.
After we finished eating, we sat down at our study table to watch a comedy show. We were just having fun when dad went home and suddenly hit us with the stick. Of course it was painful, it was painful for my siblings who are young enough but it was bearable for me.
I wasn't hurt anymore. I didn't feel pain anymore but I got hurt upon seeing my siblings cry out loud. I couldn't protect them since I'm being hit too. I just promised to myself that I would free them once I would get my goal in life.