“Do you want me to court you again that’s why you’re being hard now? If that’s what you want then fine! I will court you again. Just let my Dad know about us again and then I’ll court you. Come on Vy, I can’t lose my career just because of this.”
His voice doesn’t sound like he thinks of me. He really is a very self-centered person. He only cares about himself.
I will never be hard on you just for you to court me again. I would never do that, I won’t let myself. 
My heart hurt so badly again but I didn’t show him that.
“You know what, Xavier? You’re bullshit. Leave us alone! How dare you say that to my best friend! You’re a piece of trash. Leave her alone and don’t ever come back!” she was about to attack him but I stopped her. She looked at me very mad but I smiled at her. My tears are still forming at the side of my eyes but I managed to hold it back.
“You don’t have to court me again, Xavier. If you can’t lose your career then I’ll try to talk to your father and make him understand. I promise, I’ll talk to him so please stop this. Stop using me,” my voice broke as my tears started to fall. I looked away and wipe my tears immediately.
Gail tried to drag him out of my apartment but before he could step out he turned to me and look directly at my eyes.
“Do you really think that guy is serious with you that’s why you don’t want us to get back together? Fine, I’ll let you do whatever you want. I will just watch you run after me again. He won’t be serious with you because he know how crazy you are over me. But fine, I’ll let you enjoy being fooled by him now. You’ll come to me again, anyway.”
He said that as if he was really sure. My heart broke again, my tears come up again and burst at the side of my cheeks. 
How can you be this bad? How can you hurt me this much? You were not the Xavier that I loved years ago. The Xavier that I know is cold but he never say such things like this. The Xavier I loved doesn’t love me back but he respects and cares for me. What happened to you?
Gail hugged me when Xavier left. I cried more and felt like there’s no tomorrow. It just hurt so badly.
 I am very disappointed at him, I do not know him now. I feel like he’s wasting our friendship and that our memories are not important anymore. I feel like he just considers our relationship as a way to keep his career. That my feelings doesn’t matter because he was just doing it to keep his dreams. He doesn’t care about me because he doesn’t love me.
Gail didn’t say a think and just hugged me as I cry on her shoulder. I know she understands me even though I didn’t say anything. She knows me well that she knows I can’t bare hearing anything now. I am hurt and I felt so sorry for myself.
“Gail,” I called her silently after I cry. We are now resting in our room. I was facing the ceiling while Gail is watching me.
“Hmm?”
“What if Xavier is right?” I whispered.
“Where is the right there, Veronica? Don’t tell me you’re affected with what he said? That asshole.”
I sighed heavily and looked at him sadly, “I just thought that, I am hard to love. Maybe he’s right, Lucas might be fooling me and I was just convincing myself that I’m fine even without him.”
She was looking at me very worried as she caress my hair, “Vy, you know that’s not true right? And besides you don’t have a relationship with that Lucas. You can’t even tell that you like each other right? You were just in the phase of getting to know each other so don’t worry okay? And don’t think that you were just convincing yourself that you can even without Xavier because if not, then why are you thinking about Lucas? Look, you need to take a break okay? Stop thinking about all of that. Stop thinking about Xavier’s stupid laments. It won’t help you,” she tried to smile at me. 
Her smile that gives me comfort and safety. Every time she does that, I feel like I will be fine and that I don’t have to feel pity for myself. Her smile makes me feel that I have someone to hold on, that I am not alone in this.
We both remain in silence. We were not talking for minutes and then I notice she fell asleep while I still feel so awake.
I don’t know why I have to feel this sad. It was like the world is so mean to me, as if I don’t deserve peace nor happiness. When I fell in love with Xavier and I discovered he loves someone else, I became greedy when I had the chance to be with him. I didn’t think of what he might feel and convinced myself that it was for his father. That I’m not just being selfish, I was doing it too for his father’s request. But now that I think about it, I feel like my whole life has never been good. I’ve done so much mess and mistakes that causes me pain right now. I am hurt right now because I choose to believe that he will learn to love me so it’s fine if I want him for myself. I choose to believe that he will soon learn to love me but he didn’t. He couldn’t forget about Samantha. He still loves her so much there’s no room of chances for me. It’s always Samantha never me.
When Lucas came, I begin to think of the things I used to justify so I wouldn’t feel guilty. Before I could like him, he made me feel the things I never imagine I could feel. He came when I don’t know anything but to be selfish, I don’t have strength to stop myself from doing so. But because of him, I understand that I can never change someone’s feelings. That if someone will love we can never tell them who to love or when to feel it. He made me feel that I don’t have to ask for it because it was always be up to someone’s choice. 
I know maybe I was just assuming things but that’s what I felt. I was just scared of the possibilities that he might be lying to me. I’m scared that if I believe in him, he will admit to me that it was all planned and he was just fooling me.
I want to stay away from them both. I want to think right. I don’t want to be obnoxious and regret after. But I still know that I have to talk to Xavier’s father. Now, I am just hoping that they will understand me.