Back then, when I didn’t know him yet, all I ever thought about was how to please Xavier, how to make him fall in love with me. How could I make him love me when he didn’t? How could I make his heart feel something it wouldn’t? I was too hard on myself — selfish and selfless at the same time. I was blind. But when Lucas came, he changed everything. My life started to turn upside down. There were moments I felt loved, and moments when I felt I wasn’t.
Before I could let Xavier go, I kept asking myself: Would I ever be able to love again after him? I didn’t know the answer. But everything changed when Lucas came. I fell for him so easily, so quickly, and so deeply.
At first, I didn’t want anything to do with him. Just knowing he was Samantha’s driver — or so I thought — made me dislike him. There was an unnamed fear inside me. I chose to ignore him, to keep him at a distance. But somehow, he made his way into my life. He didn’t ask for permission. He made sure I noticed him. And before I knew it, I was already searching for his presence. How could that be, when I’d almost hated him before?
That unnamed fear wasn’t because of his connection to Samantha — it was because of my own feelings. I was too deep in denial, too blinded by my obsession with Xavier that I couldn’t recognize my growing attraction to him. The fear I thought was about his ties to Samantha wasn’t real. It was actually the fear of the undeniable truth — that from the moment I first saw him, I already felt something different.
The moments I shared with him weren’t as long as those I had with Xavier, but his became my favorite. Every moment with him was the best. He made me feel important, safe, secure, loved — enough. He made me feel that I wasn’t alone in this chaotic world. That whenever I felt weak, I could lean on him for strength. So yes, I fell in love too fast, and so deeply that I couldn’t even name it. It confused me because it was something I hadn’t known before. The way I felt for him wasn’t the same as what I had for Xavier. With Xavier, it was nothing more than a crush. But with him — it was love. The kind of love where I didn’t even realize I was falling until it was already too deep, until I was too hooked to climb back out. I loved him without even knowing it, because he made me feel the kind of love no one else ever had.
But my life was never like the ones in fairytales. It wasn’t like a lost princess and her knight. There was no happily ever after — because my world shattered when I found out he was Samantha’s cousin. Everything crumbled when I realized that. And what hurt even more was realizing just how deeply I had fallen for him. That the reason I felt hurt when he started avoiding me was because I wanted his attention. That the reason I was hurt when he wouldn’t even look at me was because I longed to stare into his eyes. My world crumpled like paper when I heard from Samantha that everything Lucas did — he only did it to keep me away from Xavier.
The pain was unbearable, and it felt endless. It broke my heart into pieces — not because he separated me from Xavier, but because of the truth that what I loved about him wasn’t even real. That’s where my anger began. I was furious at the world. I poured my anger onto Samantha for the hurtful things she said. I was angry at Xavier for doing things that made our lives harder. And I was angry at Lucas — because I believed his feelings weren’t real.
I chose to be angry at everyone — even myself — because it was the only way I could move on. I buried the pain with my anger and did everything I could to fix my life. In a span of four months, I got promoted to Senior Designer, even though I’d only been in the company for almost three years. In those four months, I managed to pull myself back together — but with bitterness still in my heart. I closed the doors to new people. I refused to let anyone in. I was too cautious, too scared to feel the same pain again. Too afraid to believe that Lucas might have faked it all.
I went on with life surrounded only by those I trusted — my best friend, my team. I focused on my own growth, still carrying that anger in my heart. I succeeded in that short period, and for a while, I thought I was okay. I believed I was fine, until I saw him again.
I was so sure I had taken care of my anger for him. But when I saw him, all I could feel was the pain he left behind. All I could feel was how much I missed him. But I stopped myself. I kept my distance. And as we talked about what happened between us, I realized just how selfish I had been.
I never gave him a chance to explain. I never dared to listen. I chose my anger over him. And seeing him cry, breaking because he still longed for me — because he wanted to stop me from leaving — it tore my heart apart all over again, as if it wasn’t already broken. Seeing him trying to stay calm and gentle with me, while explaining the truth, made me want to hold him so tight. Seeing him hide his pain just so I wouldn’t feel guilty, hearing him say sorry even though he had done nothing wrong, made me hate myself. I was so stupid to believe someone who hated me over someone who genuinely cared for me.
Seeing him so fragile made me realize he loved me more than I loved him. His love for me was so fierce that he let me bury my anger in him, even if it caused him pain. His love was so strong that he stayed away while I was trying to heal, even though it meant he couldn’t be with me. Knowing how much he sacrificed his own feelings just to calm mine made me realize his love wasn’t like those in fairytales. His was a love of this cruel, imperfect world — a love that hurts, but is worth having. A love strong enough to protect and keep you safe.
Realizing how much he loved me made me love him even more. A love I never felt with anyone else. And I asked myself — could I ever love someone else after him? And I would always end up smiling. How could I? When his love made me fall so deeply I couldn’t imagine going on without him. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t even want to love anyone after him. Even if the world would never let us be together, I would always, always love him.
"Why are you staring at me, baby?" he asked, his voice still sleepy.
I smiled and hugged him. "Just memorizing your face," I whispered.
He kissed the top of my head, pulled me closer, and wrapped his arms around me. "You don’t have to. I won’t go anywhere. Stop memorizing," he said.
I chuckled because he sounded so serious. He never liked it when I tried to memorize his features — maybe because it made him feel like we were going to be apart. "I’m not going anywhere either. I just want to memorize you. I’ll draw you later."
He opened his eyes and smiled, and I smiled too. He always looked so handsome and irresistible.
"My baby’s been drawing me a lot these past few days," he whispered, then kissed my lips.
I couldn’t help but kiss him back. His kisses made me lose my sanity. After kissing me, he smiled, shook his head, then kissed my cheeks and down to my neck. I bit my lip as the heat rushed through me. But before a sound could escape my lips, he stopped.
He gazed at me with heavy, tender eyes. "I love you," he whispered.
I bit my lip again, feeling my face burn with shyness because of the way his kisses made me feel earlier. "I... love you too, Lucas," it came out like a whisper, but enough for him to hear. He smiled, the most beautiful smile on his face.
After breakfast, I took a bath. I was putting on a bit of makeup when he came out of the bathroom and headed straight to the walk-in closet. When he came out fully dressed, I was brushing my hair. I clipped it back simply and let the rest fall loose.
I turned to face him as he walked toward me. Without a word, he kissed me and pulled me into a tight embrace.