New year, new group and new memories to be made. But even before the new year has passed, a lot has changed in my life. First the unexpected arrival and entry of Gian into my life and meeting Jake, the reason why I ate my words before that I was not interested in entering into a relationship.
Two people came but the change they brought to my life was immediate. Even though I know that I'm still not completely healed for losing my parents, I am still able to be happy because of the people who tirelessly supporting me and make me feel that I am important and endlessly showing their love towards me.
I don't know if I'm lucky or unlucky for what happened to me, to my family.
"Mama..."
I came back to reality when I heard Gian calling me. After he learned to say the word mama, he also learned to say some words one after the other, he also became talkative that sometimes we couldn't understand what he was talking about.
"I want milk" He told me and walked closer to my place even though we were just facing each other while sitting on his puzzle mat.
"Do you want to drink now?"
"Yes"
"Alright, stay here."
He just nodded and adjusted his seat, he took some of his toys and just played with them. I immediately went to the kitchen to prepare his milk, he rarely ask for milk. Usually when he asks for milk it's because he's sleepy and sometimes when he wanted to sleep he want a baby bottle stuck in his mouth. See, he really is spoiled. His aunts and uncles really spoiled him, I just hope they don't teach him anything else because maybe Gian will grow up as stubborn.
"Son, here's your milk. Come on"
He stood up and reached for the milk, he also walked closer to the sofa and forced himself to climb on it, I would have let him learn to climb on the sofa by himself but because I have a soft heart for Gian, I couldn't avoid not helping him. so he went up to the sofa and adjusted the pillow before he lay down and put the baby bottle in his mouth.
I put away the toys he used before moving to his place, I sat near his feet and stared at him while he drank his milk. For a moment, he stopped sucking on the bottle nipple, which was a sign that he was asleep, so I slowly removed the bottle from his mouth and held it.
"Don't grow as a stubborn, baby Gian." I whispered to him and carefully placed a kiss on his forehead.
I took a pillow from the bedroom and placed it next to Gian, to make sure he wouldn't fall off the sofa.
It's been a week after a new year, my previous unit that was always full of visitors rarely happened again because all of them went back to their own jobs. I'll admit that I'm jealous that they're busy with work, but that envy disappears immediately when I remember Gian, I can't really understand myself sometimes.
Aunt Em visits my unit from time to time, she really wants to take care of Gian, I'm already ashamed of her because of the lie I made them believe. If only they knew that he was their real grandson, they wouldn't have to visit Gian all the time here, they would definitely take him from me. Who even am I? I was the only one who took care of him, I'm not a real blood relative, so I have no right if they take Gian. But it hurts me that I have no right to him, can I not bring Gian back?
Thinking of that, Diane's story about Hannah coming back to get Gian came to my mind. What if Hannah comes back tomorrow and takes Gian from me? Can I really return him to his real mother? Can't I really be his mother?
Mama, should I regret the decision I made to accept Gian?
Dad, did I do wrong?
I was about to think the decisions I made but I immediately dismissed it from my mind and forced myself to forget every thoughts I had earlier. My overthinking won't do anything good because in the end, Gian's bloodline is still heavier compared to me.
"Hello?" I answered the phone call.
Aunt Em called and let me know that she can't come today because she has something important to take care of today. It's funny to think that aunt Em even called me just to say that, I feel even more guilty for lying to them.
"It's okay aunt, no problem. Gian? He's already sleeping, he just finished playing so he's sleepy hahaha. Kindly, send my greetings to uncle Phil hehehe. It's okay aunty, Gian and I will visit you. It's okay, always be careful. Bye-bye!"
The whole time aunt Em and I were talking on the cellphone, I was smiling, aunt Em was really sweet, Diane sure inherited the sweetness from aunt Em. Apart from the fact that she and Diane love to tease the people, they really have the same blood. How about Gian, whose character will he get, Hannah who is his mother or Ash who is his father?
I thought about what kind of personality Hannah has but I haven't even met her yet, as for Ash, he is also gentle and kind but only to the person he likes. If he doesn't like you, you won't see or feel his good behavior, just like the behavior he shows me. Tsk!
We used to be friends but that changed because of my stupidity. I already had a crush on Ash in my first year of high school, but I thought that my admiration for him would also pass, but I was wrong, as time went on, my admiration for him grew deeper and turned into loving him. We were in our third year of high school when Ash found out, he himself confirmed and asked me directly, as my parents told me not to lie so that people can trust me if I am honest. When he found out that I like him, I immediately stopped him from telling Diane because I knew the fear Diane had then, she didn't want anything to break in our friendship so I kept it a secret and Ash also promised and as my thanks when he agreed to my secret, I baked him a cup cake, the first cup cake I made in my entire life. The wide smile I had when I gave it to Ash immediately disappeared and the pity I felt at that time was replaced by intense fear when he suddenly couldn't breathe and lost a consciousness.
Because of my stupidity, I put Ash's life in danger, I have been friends with Diane for a long time, but I at least didn't even ask what was good and bad for Ash, with my little mistake I almost lost Ash in the world and it all because of the food I gave him that triggered his allergy. Since then, Ash's attitude toward me has changed until he has completely stripped me of the right to be his friend. That until now I still haven't been forgiven, why would he forgive me when I almost killed him, right? I'd be lying if I said I accepted it, that he couldn't forgive me, but he didn't. It was also painful for me, no one likes what happened and I didn't want it to happen.
"Mama, papa, I know you taught me not to lie, but I hope you understand why I lied to people who are important to us. Don't haunt me because of that! But maybe you can visit me even in my dreams ? I miss you so much."
I was just looking at our big picture frame hanging on the wall above my TV, it was a picture of us, mom and dad. Our last family photo, it was taken during my high school graduation. Our smiles were beautiful, you can see that our family was happy then. When I was with them.
When I remember mama and papa, I always look at that picture and I talk with them using that. Maybe if someone else sees or hears me, they'll think I'm crazy, but there's nothing wrong with talking with the picture. That way somehow I feel better, so maybe I've gotten used to talking with the picture of the three of us.