There's this moment when the weight on your shoulders becomes to heavy for you to carry, that moment you don't know whether you're going front or returning back, you're just stuck with no idea on what to do next, what to try, the next step to take, whether the next breath of air was worth it.
I was going along the pedestrian side walk, counting each step as I move, eyes down, watching the way my feet moves with both hands inside my trouser pocket, hair down, can see few strands of them if I try to look up a bit, shoulders no longer held high, instead released to fall, neck hurting because I have been bent like that for a long minutes, yet doesn't want to get them up.
I'm at a point I shouldn't look ahead anymore, the picture ahead of me was now total darkness, I can't see any future for myself, it's like I am almost at the end of the tunnel, about to see something uncountable people have seen, but none of them are living, about to see what's next after life.
I left my vehicle back at the office, knowing that I have no use for it, I'm never going to take it with me to the next world, considering it's the only thing I have left, why can't I just leave it behind, at least it would be the only thing that belongs to me in this miserable life of mine.
I walked until I got to the river bank, staring into the river and cross checking everything in my mind before I should proceed with what's next. Just two weeks ago, I have happened to catch my wife at our bed, Fucking with another man who wasn't me, having pleasure in my home, out home. She had no shame even when I caught her, she even blamed me for her act, saying that it was my fault, that I wasn't satisfying her need just the way she wanted, that my mind was always elsewhere, she even went to the length of saying that I might possibly be cheating on her, considering the way our sex was no longer as pleasing as it was before we got married..... Fuck her, Fuck everything about her, she's a fucking witch who deserves death as punishment.
With the matter still going on, I happened to find out that she was no longer even working, she usually leave home before me in the morning and return before I do, she was a school teacher, so her early rising is understandable as well as her early returning, but I happened to realize that she stopped teaching for almost a year ago and I never knew, all this becoming clear to me just within this two weeks after I saw her cheating on me on our matrimonial bed.
A year?.... One full Fucking year she stopped working as a teacher, yet I never Fucking know, but she still leaves early as always just like she normally does. As the quarrel and argument was heating up between us and as we stopped talking with each other, giving each other silence treatment, a friend of mine showed up in my office, all he did was show me the clip playing in front of his screen, it was my own wife, she's Fucking into only fans and I never Fucking know that, the reality hit me so hard that I am now devastated, this one just happened two days ago, and since that two days I haven't returned home, I've been sleeping in my office, I was hoping that we can get over this, but this last one was the last, I'm never going to accept her back after seeing her portraying her naked body on social media after I already paid for her bride price and is married to her.
I just picked some leaves by the river bank, now seated on the floor, not minding how dusty I already am, what's the difference, I haven't returned home for two nights now, I haven't taken a bath and haven't eaten anything yet because I lost my appetite since I saw that clip on my friend's device, how can I call myself a guardian at home when I don't know the kind of Life my young wife was living.
I'm on my late twenties, my so called wife on her early twenties after I married her when she was eighteen, we've two kids, a boy and a girl and I haven't seen them with my eyes for two days now because I was miserable, I don't want them to see me now, I am at a breaking point, so weak as a father, I thought I was working hard to make a good life for my family, but now have I realized that I never had one, I was just being a workaholic and not being there when the family needs me most.
I left everything back at the office, my phone, my car, even my wrist watch so I wouldn't know what the time says, just gently laid down on the dusty floor of the river bank, trying to get my head together, find a reason to go back home, even if it wasn't to see that miserable so called wife, at least I can see my children who haven't set their eyes on their Dad for two days now.
I woke up, it's dark already, oh God, how did I really slept off here in this area like a homeless man?, My suit were all ruined, dust every where, I don't think I should look like this at the office tomorrow, I really should go home this time, I have got to have a bath, clean myself up because I haven't shaved in two days now and get myself a new outfit for work tomorrow, I can as well set eyes on my kids who possibly are asking about the whereabouts of their father since no one can reach me through my phone.