“ So what about me?.....”
That was the only question left in my mouth to ask, like the weight he was trying to drop on my shoulders was not yet enough. How does he think that I can always be a friend of his, I didn't agree for a one night stand doesn't mean that I was made with bricks too, that I wouldn't go for love. I understand his feelings and his reasons for being scared, but there's a huge difference here, I'm not her, he shouldn't judge me because of her, because of something his Mom could have done to his late Dad, I'm different.
“ Why're you trying to turn the table around here?, You're my friend Benny, we're true friends, like we just clicked.... I possibly find you attractive and to be a great woman too, but the path you're taking this to now, I am not a fan of it.....”
I wanted to nod my head, I wanted to just say okay and leave, I never planned on forcing him onto anything, nothing at all. But should I just walk away from this?, Shouldn't I fight for it?, Shouldn't I make him see how different I really am?, If I just close the page and walk away, I would be suffering from heartbreak, while he'll possibly think the situation has been settled, I want him, I want this man, and I have to fight for him, I have to make him mine, not when I am this close to breaking, to shatter in pieces, I've to pull the strings and face whatever consequences that comes with it.
“ No Aiden.... You're just afraid, you just don't want to face it, you rather push away someone who's ready to give her all to you than face your demons lurking around.... You're everything a woman who respects family wants, a woman who's ready to plan ahead, a woman who doesn't run from her problems, you're the kind of rock she needs by her side, someone to protect her, someone to guide and look after her.... I'm not the woman you're thinking of me to be Aiden, and I can never be her, just allow me in and I'll promise to heal those wounds, yet cherish it because that makes you who you are, just allow me in Aiden.....”
Tears are now flowing, rolling down my cheeks like I am truly going all in here, he knows what I am asking for, I am not forcing him into picking me as his woman out of all those out there, rather I am begging him to allow me heal those wounds, fix those scars and make him feel whole again, I believe he thinks he already has everything he could ever ask for, but as far as there's that demon he's still running from, it will never stop chasing after him until he's ready to face it head on.
“ I think you should leave now Benny, I am always here when you're back in your right minds, but for now.... I believe you need some space.....”
He turned cold, sat up from his chair and went to the door of his office, opening it wide open for me to leave. He didn't speak again, just stood there like a statue, looking towards the other end of the wall like he doesn't want this too, but he had to do it because he believed it's the right decision to do.
I gently stood up, trying to stall as much as I can, to see whether he would change his mind, whether he would get out of that door, come to me and hug me, bring me in into him and say he's ready to give this a try. Getting my empty flask and taking few moments to clean away my tears, I got to where he was standing, looked him in the face, he wasn't even looking at me, he was looking up over my head, all focus on the wall opposite him like he was working as a guard. All I wanted right now was to carve into him, rest my head on his chest and cry away my pain while he takes it all away, but can he do that?, He haven't even taken away his own pain, how could he take away mine?.
I left his office, walking slowly, waiting for him to call me back, to run to me, to hold me from behind and say, I'm ready to make this sacrifice for you, I'm ready to risk it all.
Immediately I heard the sound of the door close behind me, that's when I realized that it was over, I squatted down, holding onto myself, my arms around my shin and face hiding onto my knees, trying to find safety in myself. Do I regret confessing my feelings?, No, but was it worth losing my friendship with him?, I don't know.
It wasn't the best of days today, I sat inside my bedroom, locked it in and was crying inside, I'm really in pain, I'm really pitiful of myself for not holding back, for allowing the good man in him dominate me, but it was best to know this and know my place than to keep hoping on a ruined expectation, a dream that would always be a dream without getting to become a reality, a dream that will only turn to a wish.
He's a strong confident man, he should be ready to face his problems face on, terminate whatever was standing in his path and enjoy the benefits of life, instead he wants to stay forever where he was now, he has already found a temporary peace and comfort that he doesn't want to take anymore risks, he's contented with what he has got that he doesn't want to take another step forward, right now he's just stuck and loves it this way, doesn't want to change anything, you shouldn't stop the river from flowing, you just shouldn't.