Deanara Samaniego’s POV
Gray. Meeting Gray for the first time was like a dream come true. You see, I never thought about it. Surely, I wished to meet him because he inspired me with his writing. It was actually strange for me to fall for someone I just met online without actually having any conversation. But, the world still gave him to me when I almost gave up on meeting him.
It was unexpected. I wished for it but knowing that…it was really hard for me to believe. I guess that's how destiny works it out for us. It worked for us. During that time, we are meant to be.
I don't know how to describe it but I must say that Gray and I were meant to cross each other's path…but never to stay. We just met…shared beautiful energy together…but it had to end because it's not healthy anymore.
When I left Gray without telling him why...when I left him on bended knees as he kept on questioning himself or as to why I chose Mattel. Honestly, I don't want to know how he felt during those times. It must have been painful. We both felt the same way.
It ended there. I want to end it there.
However, it seems to me that destiny has its own way of telling me that it will not end there. Of course, why would it end there when we have a son? No matter what I do or no matter what happens…we have an existing tie with each other that no one can actually break. We have Sae. For now, he doesn't know that. And, even though I do everything to hide my son…time will come that they will meet.
I just didn't expect that it would be this soon. I didn't expect that I would see him now. Not now. I am not ready. I am not prepared. I don't know how to act in front of him now, especially that he is now looking at Sae.
"I'm sorry!" I heard Sae. He caressed his forehead and smiled at the man in front of him. Gray, his real father, who bends a little to reach Sae.
Damn! Did he feel it? Gosh! Should I run? What should I do?
I was frozen. My mind is still processing the situation. What am I going to do? This is giving me a headache. Why? Why do I have to see him now? Of all places on earth. This is such a very warm welcome. Ugh!
I bit my lower lip and turned to the other side, trying to hide myself although that was quite impossible for me to do.
"I'm sorry, too." He smiled at Sae. Aww! My heart suddenly melted. This isn't how I pictured this…but yeah…they looked nice together.
"Did it hurt?" Gray asked Sae and leaned closer to check up his forehead.
"No! It's okay! It's also my fault for not looking because I am so excited. Sorry, it's my first time here."
"Who's with you?"
Fuck.
Sae turned around and pointed at me.
"My mother!" He smiled at me and waved. "Mom! Let's go!"
I am just a little farther away from them. I didn't look at Gray. Instead, I gaze at my son and tried my best not to do something stupid. I could feel Gray's stare at me and even if years had passed…I know he would still know that it was me.
I cut my hair short, colored it with gray, then instead of my usual simple clothes, I loved to wear corporate attires now. Well, not that it would make any difference. Because even Gray's hair color changes, and even with the piercing in his left ear, and his matured look…I would still know that it was Gray even from afar. I know it's still Gray. My heart knows it even when I have my eyes closed.
"Mom! Let's go!" Sae called me again.
From my peripheral vision, I saw that Gray was so stunned to move from his spot. He was closely looking at me like I was some kind of magic he didn't expect to see. I also didn't expect to see him.
It's very shocking to me. And, honestly…I stood there hoping for some miracle…that someone will save me from this moment because I don't know what to say. How am I supposed to face him? I don't know what to do. I am not aware and prepared to respond to him.
When Sae could no longer wait for me to walk, he ran towards me and pulled my wrist. I felt cold and numb for a second. My heart was beating so fast and I mentioned all the cursed in the world when Sae dragged me.
I passed by Gray…smelling his perfume. And, before I could enter the coffee shop...I heard him whisper, Deanara.
My mind was blank. My whole body was shaking and I couldn't contain my emotions. Damn! I need to focus. I cannot lose my mind right now. Ugh!
"Mom? Are you okay?" Sae asked, concerned as he looked at me. "What do you want?"
We are standing now in the front of the barista who was waiting for our order.
"Oh! One venti iced latte," I said. "What do you want Sae?"
Sae pointed at the menu. "I want Strawberries and Chips," he said excitedly. "And, can I have a slice of banana cake?" He told the barista who was now putting our orders. I gave her my card.
"Should we order for daddy?" Sae asked. "Can I call him? Why he isn't here yet?" Sae pouted as he crossed his arms. "He better have a nice reason for being so late---oh! There he is! Daddy!" Sae raised his voice as he ran towards the door.
My mouth parted when I saw Ethan and Gray standing next to each other. Shit! This isn't happening. I am not ready for this conversation. I don't want this. What should I do? Damn!
It was too late. Sae was already there. And, I stood there waiting for the next scene because I might not take it if I'll be the one who's going to stand in their middle. I might not help myself if I face them both.
So, what I did was to text Ethan and tell him I need some fresh air. I know he'll take care of Sae. I just need to breathe because seeing Gray distracted me again. He hadn't done anything but it felt like my world had turned upside down again. I don't know what to do. Gray can affect my life in a second and he can ruin the wall I built in a glimpse. I thought I would never feel this again.
I am already done with this. Clearly, I told myself that I no longer have any feelings for Gray. What's left would just be regrets and hatred if I see him again. But, seeing him now. I know it was a lie. It was a freaking lie because I have never forgotten him. I just learned to live with the fact that he is no longer with me. I just learned to live with his memories and bear the pain of his loss.
Damn! I hate this feeling. I should not be feeling this, but there is a part of me that wanted to go back to that coffee shop again and hug Gray and perhaps tell him that he was looking closely at his kid. But, I am afraid that things have already changed. He might have loved me before…but it doesn't mean that it will last. Although, mine is still here. What about him? I am not even sure if he did love me. Did he? I am afraid to know because that might kill me and I don't know what to do anymore.
I spent some time on a bar, trying to clear my mind, and perhaps find some distraction because Gray is now occupying my mind.
Ethan called after an hour. I stared at his name registered on my phone because I didn't know what to do. I felt like exploding any minute thinking of the possible things especially what they talked about.
What am I going to do?
Surely, Gray isn't numb. He'll know that Sae is his kid and he could even ask for some proof or he could prove it. Ugh! I hate this stuff. Am I ready to tell him? My mind says no but my heart was waiting for him to meet his son. Although, I am not sure if Sae will like him. All this time, Sae knew that Ethan is his father…and meeting Gray? Would that change? Ugh! I hate lying, but a part of me is afraid to risk it…to be part of Gray's life.
I didn't answer the call and texted him I am fine and I just need some time alone. So, I spent a couple of hours drinking inside the bar. I am not drunk and I could even think straight. I do not have the intention to drink, I just want to hear loud noises because silence is my enemy now. But, even though there's a loud noise behind me…fuck! I am still thinking of Gray. I cannot even remove him from my mind which is kinda unfair.
It's late already and I know I have to go home. Sae's probably looking for me now. And, he might ask a lot of questions that I am not prepared to answer. I just hope Ethan already answered those for me. He knew why I left the place.
I was supposed to leave the counter bar when someone grabbed my wrist. To my surprise even though I shouldn't be surprised, it was Gray looking intently at me. For a second, I saw the sadness in his eyes but now they were darker.
"What are you doing here?" I asked as I pulled my wrist away from him. He was too strong and won't just let go. He even pulled me closer to him…making me smell his mint perfume. Damn! I hate to be close to him like this because it's driving me crazy…and I might change my mind any moment. As much as possible, I don't want to be involved with him again because that's trouble.
"What are you doing here?" He wrinkled his brow. "I should be the one asking you that!" He's pissed and I don't know why.
Maybe, I know why…he met Ethan and he saw Sae…his son. Why would not he get mad? Well, I don't know. Why would he get mad when he had his own kid? "
"Let me go!" I pulled my wrist away from him. "Gray! You are hurting me!" I raised my voice and some of the crowd started looking at us. "Don't make a scene here."
"You are the first one who made a scene. Have you forgotten about it?" He mocked. There was pain in his voice and I felt like up until now he still hasn't gotten over the fact that I agreed to marry Mattel in front of everyone after agreeing to marry him.
"Now, do you want them to recognize you?" He sarcastically asked. "I am pretty sure people still know about you even after Mattel's death. How long has it been, babe?"
I melted when he called me that. Fuck! Why is he doing this to me? Clearly, he knows that he still has the same effect on me and he is doing this on purpose. I should not fall for him. This isn't good. I need to stay as soon as possible…away from him.
"Gray, what do you need?" I pleaded. "Let me go!"
"We need to talk!" He demanded. "I think I deserve that after you left years ago, Deanara. Even until now…you won't still give it to me?"
"Gray, we don't have anything to talk about…so I appreciate you letting me go or I scream for help and make sure to get the police to put you in jail." I warned him.
I want to hug Gray. I want to actually hug him and make him mine again, but it's a pain I could see whenever I stare at him and it won't just go away. He hurt me and it's still hurting until now. It's been years but those years…he made me question my worth. He gave me so much anxiety. He was the reason why I couldn't even fully date someone else because he made me not believe in them. I couldn't even date…because even if I want to the past is haunting me…that I am thinking all of them will hurt me in the end. He gave me so much trauma and I am still working on healing myself. So, even if he is the father of my son…I don't want to be involved with him.
"Can you put me to jail?" He smirked.
"I left you Gray. What makes you think I can do that simple thing when you keep on harassing me?" I glared at him. I am not really in the mood to play with his games.
Ethan and Sae are probably looking for me right now. My head is dizzy from the alcohol and I felt so tired from my flight. Fuck! I should be resting now but here I am making a scene with Gray. Why do we have to see each other now? I cannot believe this. I am not prepared.
Slowly, he let go of my hand. Finally, I was able to breathe.
"Gray, that was years ago. I have nothing to say," I smilef a bit. "You're ruined me and for the past years I am healing myself so can you please just let me go…and just stay away from me…because I don't want to see you."
"Let me explain." He pleaded. For one second, I wanted to listen to but I decided not to. I don't want another lie again.
"I don't want to hear it, Gray. Just save it. I am happy with Ethan now…" I lied. Perhaps, he would stop if he hears that. "So, just pretend that you didn't see me again."
"Aren't you going to explain why?" He asked, looking straight at my eyes. "Why, Deanara?" I was shocked to see him in tears and for a second I panicked…but again decided not to get involved with him again. He can handle himself. He's old enough to do that.
"Don't pretend like you don't know why, Gray?" I shook my head. "I am tired. So, I need to rest. Nice to see you again!" I bowed a little and started walking out.
I hadn't gotten far yet when he asked, "Sae is my son. Am I right?"
I was frozen. He knew. He felt that. But, of course, I am going to deny it.
"He is Ethan's son, Gray." I said, without looking at him because he might see the lie I just created and I don't want to ruin it. I have perfected that lie and will continue to do it. I'm sorry but I don't want him to meet Sae as his son.
"Sae is my son." He raised his voice. He's mad now. He never gets mad at me. So, it was unusual for me to hear that tone.
"I deserve to know that, Deanara."
"He is Ethan's son." I repeated and immediately called for the grab before he could say a thing.
When I made sure that he cannot see me anymore from the inside of the car, I broke down into tears. The grab driver gave me tissue and was shocked to see me in tears. He tried his best to comfort me, but he just couldn't. These are all the tears that I tried to keep for years and now I am bursting again…because of Gray. I am crying again. This is what I hate because even though I love him…he's definitely hurting me. And, I don't want that.
Love is supposed to be calming and not hurting. Yes, pain is inevitable but it isn't healthy anymore if there's just pain.
I thanked the driver for finally taking me home. Well, I don't know if it was home anymore because I am all alone here. Ethan and Sae were staying at Ethan's condo since we still don't know or haven't planned where we are going to stay. For the meantime, we are going to stay there because Sae wants to be with Ethan. Now, it was my fault because Sae won't let go of Ethan anymore. Well, I never thought this lie would get us this far.
I told Ethan I won't be coming home tonight and told him I would be staying in my old house. The house where Luna and I used to stay.
Lyuna still doesn't know that I came home. I want to surprise her but not today. I just want to settle things. I also heard that her business is doing great and she actually stopped teaching to manage it which is great because it was a huge success.
Although, I haven't been in touch with her the last few years because I need to just get away with my life here. I still followed her story of success because I want her to be successful. I want her to follow her dreams.
It was a struggle for her at the start. I won't tell this to her, but I managed to pull some strings and connections so her designs can be seen worldwide. Now… I am so happy that she was able to collaborate with various artists and models and she even collaborated with designers, too. I can't wait to see her…and hug her. But, I am not sure if she hates me.
I won't blame her if she hates me because I've been gone for almost six years and she was so shocked, probably about the news between me and Mattel. I never said a thing and just cut off my connection with her. If she hates me, then it would be okay…I would understand that because I deserve that. I would forever be sorry for leaving her alone…and not telling her my whereabouts.
Although, I hope she would understand that I don't want to tell her because she's the first person that Gray would ask and I don't want her to stand in between us. I don't want her to lie and pretend that she doesn't know when she knew. And, that would give me an ease knowing that no one knew about me. At least, there's no one to blame if Gray started to know the truth.
From what I heard, Lyuna changed her residence and already bought a condo unit. Maybe she does hate me because I left.
I entered our old house. It's still the same house, but now it's lonely. It's a wrong move for me to stay here for the night knowing a lot of memories also happened in this place. Every corner of this house also has Gray's touch and looking at it now…I remember it all too well.
But, it was too late for me to go back home. This is the only place I know that I could stay and actually have a peace of mind. I want to reminisce about the past and be fine with it and accept that it would all be in the past.
Lyuna didn't remove our things. She didn't even change anything about this place. It's still my old room and my things are still here. It's weird that this place is still clean and in its place when it's been years. Maybe Lyuna still spends some time cleaning this place. Maybe Sae and I can live with him. Or not? Well, I am going to think about it.
For now, I want to rest. But, I couldn't. I started checking my things inside my room. All are in its place except that I felt someone is sleeping in here. It must be Lyuna? I am not sure, but the whole place…even though it's old…felt like there's someone in here. That there is someone sleeping in my bed. The bedsheets even smelled good to me like they were just washed last night. Did Lyuna do this? It's strange.
I didn't pay much attention to it because Lyuna might have some caretaker taking care of this place. The fridge is also on and there are some foods in there.
Should I text Lyuna or call her? Well, it's already late so I'll do that tomorrow.
I was able to sleep peacefully and I woke up to my ringtone. It was Ethan calling, probably Sae is looking for me.
[ Mom! Good morning! Are you coming home today? ] Sae's energetic voice greeted me. I automatically smiled as I rolled on my bed.
[ Yes. I will be, my love. What do you want me to bring?]
[ I want an ice cream. But, daddy Ethan told me he's going to buy me some before we head to the office]
[ Office? You'll be going to the office with him?]
[ Yeah. I am so excited to meet grandpa. Can you meet us there, Mom? So, we could eat lunch together. Daddy told me he has a lot of things to do. We can just bring him lunch there. He wants some steak and me tooI!]
[ Oh] I don't know how to react. Should I go there! Well, Gray is definitely there…but if I am not going in there then he'll think I am avoiding him.
I am indeed avoiding him because I don't want to see him. But, of course...I can't forever avoid him because I have a connection with him. We have Sae. Damn! Ethan, what is he thinking? Is he playing with me? Gosh! And, did he really intend Saw to meet his parents. What for? Damn! What is he trying to do? I know I shouldn’t have agreed in the first place but …okay. This is all my fault. How am I going to keep up with this lie? Did Gray actually believe that Sae is Ethan’s son? Clearly, Sae looks exactly as Gray and no one can deny that.
What should I do? Ugh! Fine! I will play along with this lie. I am going to go with the flow and then probably get out of the country soon. Ethan was right, this is a bad idea. I should have listened to him.
[ Are you okay, Mom? ] Sae asked. [ Are you listening to me? ]
[ Uh. What did you say again? I’m sorry the signal is kinda poor here. Can you repeat it again? ] I lied. I am not really paying attention to what he was saying because I am busy thinking of something else.
[ Nothing, mother. Just take a rest and we are going to see you later, okay? I am going to introduce you to Uncle Gray. Although, do you already know him? He told me he knows you.]
My head started to spin like hell. Seriously? What did Gray tell him? Damn! You gotta be kidding me!
[ Did Uncle Gray tell you anything else?] I asked, afraid of what he would say next. Damn! This is hell. I don't know what to do now. What if Gray tells him about us...and how am I going to handle this?
[ He asked me about my age and my birthday. And, also my real name. Why? Is there something wrong?]
[ Nothing, dear. You should prepare now. I will see you later. Okay? I love you.]
[ I love you, mom. I'll give the phone to Daddy!]
After a second, I heard Ethan's name.
[ Do you want me to pick you?]
[ No. I'm fine. I'll take the taxi. Take care of Sae.]
[ Okay. I'll see you later. Let me know if you are already in the office.]
I dropped the call. Damn! I laid down on bed for a second and stared at the ceiling, not knowing what to do. I hate this. I don't know how I am going to keep this up.
I sighed. I need to get up now. I still have a lot of work to do. Oh. I remembered, I still needed to visit our main branch here and started working. My mother will surely get mad at me if I do not start working. I have to talk to Ethan about stuff and my son can't roam around everyday in their company, that would be a mess and it would just make Gray doubt everything. He should never come back in my life again…and not again.
After fixing the bed, I went to the bathroom. I still have my clothes from before on my shelf. So, I took a shower and changed. I just wore trousers and a plain sky blue v-neck shirt I found. Then, I decided to wear my white shoes. I left my clothes there and just have to come back some other time. I still need to talk to Lyuna.
After making sure everything was fine…I went out of my room.
I was looking at my phone and was not paying attention to what's in front of me. That is why I screamed in shock when I saw him standing in front of me.
He was leaning on the wall with his usual half pants, white t-shirt. His hands were in his pocket and he was seriously looking at me now.
"Gray?" I blinked. "What are you doing here?"
"I live here." He simply replied.
And, I stood there in awe. What the hell is this? Destiny is really playing with me!