* Let all that you do be done with love. *
****
Two weeks later.
" The first step towards success is believing in yourself, that you can succeed. " Brother said to me and I nodded.
We were in the library/study room.
Since I'll be taking the entrance examination in a few months, I had to study for it.
This time I really need to study hard as I had to study through the three years syllabus and solve lots of past questions.
The tutors who were going to be teaching me more about the subjects I'll be taking were around earlier.
There were two : A young man and a woman.
The young man was to take the science subjects while the woman was going to be taking English and Mathematics.
You know, I was Surprised indeed when I met them.
I was expecting them to be rude or unkind. but, I was wrong when I realized that they happened to be the exact opposite of what I was expecting.
They even spoke to me as if we were best of friends and not tutor and Student.
It's really amusing, you know...
I had always been used to my teachers being always rude and uncaring so meeting them got me thinking.
I never thought teachers could be like this.
Though they are private ones, I still never expected them to be like this.
I guess in this new found life, surprises would never cease as there would be lots of them.
It just feels too good to be true.
Am not sure if you understand me but really it is...
Back to the present.
Brother and I were both in the study room with him sitting right in front of me. A round study table separated us from each other.
Since he was done with studying for the day, he decided that he would revise some topics with me.
This decision was something I was very thankful for... Really.
I never expected that one day, someone would care for me this much.
I just never thought of it before.
Anyways, he was talking to me about believing in myself.
Well, I guess this is one thing I still need to work hard on. I knew I still had a lot to do in this regard as the truth is that I suffer a lot from self doubt.
While so sometimes I believe in myself sometimes I don't.
Especially when it comes to my education and my chosen career.
Sometimes I find myself asking, can I really be a doctor?
Would I even be able to pass the entrance examination for medicine?
What if I don't meet up with the cut off mark for medicine?
What would I do then?
Would I have to opt for other courses like single honors or nursing?
Would I be able to survive giving up on my dreams?
You know, sometimes dreams serve as directions for us.
We often find ourselves being motivated by our dreams and goals.
But what if you end up giving up on your dream?
That's one of the hardest decisions I must make.
Giving up on my dream? Will I really be able to survive it?
You know, being an average student all my life, I have learned to accept what I am given.
I know that sounds crazy but sometimes I really don't feel like pushing it.
Why? Because, I am afraid of breaking completely beyond remedy.
I am afraid of falling back into depression, that very dark place... A place where it's very difficult to hope and wish for a better future.
You know, it's really hard when you are fighting the feelings and emotions of not being enough.
I remember when I was preparing for my exams last year, I was going in and out of motivation.
Oftentimes I end up forcing myself to study since I know I need to. But well, it didn't always end up well as I end up not remembering anything I studied no matter how hard I tried.
It hurts a lot really...
So yeah... I also suffered from self doubt.
Am always like, can I really do this?
Can I really do that?
You know, I abstained completely from participating in competitions, you know why?
I always believe that I won't be able to win as the other participants are better than me.
So I just stay back and just watch as the others compete.
I try as much as possible to be low-key so as not to attract too much attention to myself.
You know the funniest part? I often pray to the Lord for success but I feel like I don't deserve it.
This feeling is something I don't really understand to be honest.
Perhaps it's because I feel like I wasn't living up to expectations so I am undeserving of heaven's blessings.
But well, I guess I was wrong really.
I am really not as dumb as I think I am... All I need is to believe more in myself.
I need to believe in myself... I need to have faith in myself that I can do more than I can imagine.
I need to stop creating limits for myself as I am limitless.
Most importantly, I need to learn how to turn to my creator for help and guidance when need be.
I need to Trust more and believe that he'll grant me all my heart desires.
I also need to hand over all my insecurities, doubts and fear to him and let him comfort me, as he's the greatest comforter.
These are the decisions I have made and I am sure they'll turn out to be good ones that will assist me on my road to success and the fulfillment of my goals and objectives in life.
......
A/N : Are you guys still there?
Take care okay, guys?
Love you all... (+_+)