**move 009**
<< t o s h i r o >>
"MISAO... DO YOU REALLY LIKE ME?"
Misao's hand grabbed mine and held on it so tightly my bones could break. "So much. I like you so much."
"B-But we're both guys and we're friends..."
"I'm obviously aware of that..." His determined eyes, yet welling in tears, lingered at my face before letting go of my hand.
I don't know what kind of face I'm making right now but I felt like I've experienced this before; I've seen that expression on his face from someone else before.
"I thought it'll be fine as long as I show you how I feel about you without holding back. I thought when you agreed that we'll continue being friends that it's okay to think that one day you'll start looking at me in a different way and maybe you'll start liking me too… I'm sorry Toshiro. I selfishly told you I like you without considering your own feelings— if you're still comfortable being with me. In the end, I became greedy and illusioned. To be honest, I don't want to give you up. I like you so much I don't know what to do with this feeling anymore; it's over flowing inside my chest it hurts sometimes…
"Toshiro, you're free to tell me if you're no longer comfortable with my feelings. You don't have to hide and endure it for my sake. You can tell me every day that we're both men and, for you, we're just friends. Maybe, the day will come when I'll finally accept that this is all we'll ever be…"
Why does it hurt? Just from thinking that I won't be able to see and talk to Misao again, my chest hurts so bad, it's almost too painful to breathe.
"And then what?! You'll distance yourself from me? We'll be having our internship soon, we're close to graduation and then what? I won't see you again? I won't hear anything from you again? Even though we're friends?"
"T-Toshiro?! Why are you crying? Have I said anything you didn't like?"
I only realized that tears were streaming down my cheeks when I heard worry in Misao's voice and saw panic on his face.
"You said those words as if you're going to distance yourself from me…" I tried to hold back my sobbing but failed. "A-And I don't want that."
Misao's hand was trembling as he reached out to touch me only to pull it back. "Wait. I didn't mean it like that Toshiro."
"Huh?! What's going on?"
Misao and I turned to the source of the voice at the same time. Fumihiro and the guys already left the pub. I rushed to wipe the tears away while trying to calm myself down. Misao tried to act calmly as well but worry has never left his face even for just a second.
"Nothing…" I bit my lip, hoping no one would probe more, hoping the darkness had hidden my face well.
"Misao, how are you feeling?" Youjin asked as soon as they came near us.
"I'm fine now. I apologize for the commotion I caused earlier."
"You sure you're fine? We were so worried." Keita took a step closer to Misao then gently patted his shoulder.
Misao smiled and made an 'OK' sign with his fingers.
"Ah! Here's the money for our bill!" He swiftly pulled out a wallet from his jean's back pocket.
"Don't worry about that Misao. It's my treat." It was Saki.
"You're my guest, why would I make you pay for our meal?"
Saki chuckled. "Just think of it as my gift."
Misao heaved a deep sigh. "Then... thanks, Saki."
"How about let's call it a night now..." Keita chimed in while looking at his wrist watch.
"Shoot! I forgot about the Lab report due tomorrow! I haven't started on it yet." Fumihiro's eyes widened as that realization instantly made him sober. Then he turned to look at me, "Toshiro, are you done with the report?"
I was startled. "O-Of course! Misao already sent the data for that last week."
"Shit! I'm going back first."
"Hey shithead! Let's go together. We're going in the same direction anyways." Eisuke said to Fumihiro before he turned to face Youjin. "Jin, see you tomorrow."
Youjin flashed a big smile at him. "Yep. Take care, Eisuke."
"You too. Shoot me a message when you arrive home."
"Hey! You're not the boyfriend here!" Keita interrupted, pulling Youjin into his arms.
Eisuke made a mocking face to Keita while pointing at him. "Youjin, break up with that guy."
"What did you say?!" Youjin was laughing as he held Keita's arm trying to stop him from charging at Eisuke, who was just smirking at Keita while standing with his hands holding his waist.
Watching them bickering like that, somehow, made me envious.
"Toshiro, looks like you're going home sober tonight. Misao doesn't have to take you back home." Fumihiro patted my back. "See ya."
"Y-Yeah…"
"Hey, Eisuke! Are we leaving now or you're going to keep babbling there?" Fumihiro said then he started walking away.
"Yeah yeah. Misao, Happy Birthday! Bye." Eisuke sprinted towards Fumihiro. "Do you want me to help you with that report?"
I can hear him making fun of Fumihiro as they walk away.
"Shut up. We're in different departments!"
After that, Youjin and Keita also left, leaving us three alone. I can't help but feel awkward after that conversation I've had with Misao. I should tell them I'm going home but at the same time I don't want to yet. Unlike before, I didn't get drunk to the point of unconsciousness so Misao doesn't have to take me back home. There's something in my chest that somehow expects him to still do so. I just wanted more time to be with Misao…
But then, there's Saki...
He can't just leave his friend here alone, right?
Misao's deep voice pulled me out from my thoughts, "Saki, you can no longer drive back at this hour. You should just spend the night at my place."
I felt my heart stop for a moment. Saki’s going to spend the night at Misao's apartment?
It surprised me when Saki's eyes met mine. They were staring at me softly as if he wanted to see my reaction, as if asking me for permission. For a second, I was confused because, obviously, I don't have that kind of authority.
And he knew it…
"If it's fine with you, Misao." Saki's lips curved in a small smile.
Misao, finally, turned to look at me. "Toshiro, are you okay? Should I take you home?"
"Ah..." My mind went blank at this moment.
What am I supposed to do? I should tell him I can go home on my own but my words were stuck in my throat. We still have that unfinished conversation from earlier. And also, I don't want this day to end with Misao and I having these awkward feelings with each other.
Then suddenly, my mind kept flashing me scenarios of Misao and Saki alone in his room... and I don't like it.
"Uhm… I'm completely sober hehe." I laughed so awkwardly. If I could dig a hole to bury myself, I've already done it.
"Then..." Misao hesitated for a second... "Maybe it's fine even if I don't take you home..."
Aside from being hesitant I could also see, he's a bit disappointed?
Or am I getting ahead of myself?
"I want to stay over too."
Misao was taken aback by what I've just said and, to be honest, I am too. Misao and I stared at each other for god knows how long, both dumbfounded. Those words left my mouth before I could even think about it. For a second, I thought I was happy but at the same time, I was also worried. What a weird combination of emotions.
I guess there's no turning back, "I can't? Will I be disturbing you guys?"
"N-No. I just didn't expect you to say that. I'm actually... happy."
I smiled at him, so big I thought my face would tear apart. "Then, let's go?"