**move 011**
<< m i s a o >>
"WOULD YOU LIKE IT BETTER IF SAKI'S THE ONE WHO ENTERS YOUR ROOM?"
I felt all the blood drained out from my system the very second I heard Toshiro's voice. I immediately sat up to see if he really did enter my room, even though I am hundred percent certain it was his voice.
I found Toshiro standing a few feet away from my bed and despite the darkness covering his face I can somehow sense the expression he has right now. The room felt so small for the two of us inside, I almost choked on nothing as I held my breath.
Questions started flooding in my mind, but my body sat frozen staring at his figure. I can't even fetch for a word to utter, just to break this unbearable silence. I tried to get up and sit at the edge of the bed, this time, I'm a foot closer to Toshiro. He's an arm's reach away from me. I have to gather all the strength I have just to stop my hands from reaching out and touch him.
"What's the matter? Can't sleep?"
Toshiro remained standing there, motionless. I tried to find the answer to my question in his eyes that were fixed on mine.
"Toshiro?"
"I-I used to have a guy friend…" He paused, swallowing a lump in his throat. "He was in love with me."
There was a knot tightening up in the pit of my stomach but I waited for him to continue.
"He was someone who pulled me out of my comfort zone during highschool. We were always together, we got along so well, and I could say he was the very first person I could call my best friend. He was someone I was extremely grateful for. Who I am now, in front of you and everyone I know, is because of him. And because of him, I had the courage to approach you Misao and ask you to be my friend."
My grip on the bed sheet tightened, along with that annoying knot that I'm starting to feel nauseous with every word that comes out of his mouth.
Who is that guy? What's his relationship with Toshiro?
"I truly believed we'll be friends forever. I wanted him to stay by my side. And I, too, wanted to be beside him. But that day, our classmates found out about his love letter for me. I tried to brush it off by saying it was just him trying to play a prank on me but the expression on his face clearly says otherwise. I saw the disappointment and pain but I ignored it." Toshiro clenched his fists really hard. He's trembling. He never once averted his gaze from mine, I could almost delve into his very soul.
"At first, we didn't mind about that incident. We still hang out together, how we were before that, nothing changed. Until, that rumor about us started circulating around school. There was not a day we wouldn't hear people whispering on our backs. But we ignored them. At least, we tried to. I didn't notice I was unconsciously becoming uncomfortable about the whole situation and also being with him. I had no idea he was actually noticing it and that I was already hurting him."
Toshiro paused once again while I waited for him to continue. He was trying to hold his emotions from spilling all at once, he was trying not to burst-into-tears but he was clearly failing. His shoulders started shaking, and even though I could not see the tears flowing down his cheeks, I know he's crying his eyes out.
He sniffled as he prepared himself to continue. "He wished for us to distance each other for a while and at that time I was sure that was the right thing to do. I really thought hard about our situation and my feelings. Even though I couldn't return his feelings at least I could stay friends with him. I've made my decision to accept him no matter what his preference was, I was ready to acknowledge his feelings and protect him from people who'll bully him. I really don't want our friendship to end like that.
"But the days turned into weeks, months and then into years. Until now, I haven't talked or heard anything from him. I always wonder how he could forget me that easily. He didn't even give me a chance to mend our friendship. I just wanted him to know that I still see him as who he is, and that won't ever change, he didn't have to disappear from my life."
Toshiro's restrained sobbing filled the room. I have no idea why he suddenly started telling me all of this but it felt like my chest was being stabbed, slow but so deep it reached my heart.
Before I knew it, my mind was filled with thoughts if I made the right decision of telling him how I feel. It seemed like I opened an unhealed wound he was trying so hard to cover all these years. I know, Toshiro treasures me so much as a friend, and yet here I am betraying him with my selfishness.
All his reactions towards me before and all the things he said were starting to make sense…
Why he’s scared I'll distance myself from him…
"I'm sorry Toshiro. I understand now…" I don't know if he could see it but I pulled everything in me to give him a reassuring smile, even though it pains me. "Don't worry. I promise that won't happen again, I won't leave you even if you dump me right now. We can go back to what we were before – friends, normal friends. I won't mind even if you forget my feelings for you. I promise. Please stop crying…"
He shook his head. "No. I can't do that. It's too late for that, Misao. How am I supposed to forget this when it's all I could think about? I don't want you to distance yourself from me but I definitely hate the idea of you getting close to somebody else. I'm jealous of Saki because he knows things about you that I haven't had the slightest idea about. I'm jealous of Saki because he can always come to your rescue and you rely on him. I'm jealous of Saki because even though you've been away with each other for so long, he could still say he likes you…"
'Huh? What the heck did Saki say to Toshiro?'
"I don't want to wait for you to give up on me before I could say that I wanted you to be mine."