AS SOON AS WE ENTERED MISAO'S APARTMENT, I SUDDENLY FELT SELF-CONSCIOUS. His place was not that small, it can accommodate us three, but the air felt heavy. Or was it just me?
Misao lent me a shirt to change into, then quickly I locked myself in the bathroom for who-knows how long trying to calm myself. When I returned to the living room, I found Misao and Saki placing the futon* (a soft foldable mattress) on the floor.
Misao looked at me, "Sorry Toshiro. Is it fine if you sleep here with Saki?"
Why with him?
"Y-Yeah. No worries..."
The hell with that 'No worries'? And why did I sound so disappointed?
"Misao became really stingy not letting us sleep with him in his room." Saki said, mocking Misao. He even pouted as he arranged the pillows on the makeshift bed.
"I already told you. My room is too small for all three of us." Misao answered without raising a look to Saki, he's still busy preparing my bed.
Saki made an 'hmph' sound before turning back to grab something from his bag. "Misao, Miki asked me to give this to you."
Miki?
Misao's stern face suddenly made an expression brought by many different emotions rushing into him. He looked at him wide-eyed until he reached out to get the box from Saki's hand. Now, he's staring at the box with loving eyes.
"Go on, open it." Saki said in a cheerful, yet gentle voice.
Misao did as he was told. He was really careful as he tore the wrapper from the box and when he finally opened it and saw what was inside, a small affectionate smile formed on his face.
He pulled out a black – with a bit of red paint on some sides, toy car. I scooted closer to Misao to get a good look at his present.
It's an old model car, the kind you see in the old movies. I have no idea what it's called but it looked like a really fancy car.
"Hot wheels?"
"No. It's from Bing. My favorite out of all my collections."
I see... so he collected toy cars too. He must love cars that much, I had no idea. But that loving expression on Misao's face was not caused by the toy car itself, it's the memories it came along with –his cordial past I had no single idea about. The period in his life where I was not a part of.
"Miki wanted to tell you herself a 'Happy Birthday'," Saki said with a smile but then in an instant it was gone. "Actually, she wanted to come with me today but your father came back from his business trip today. That's why… you know."
Just like Saki, that soft expression on Misao's face vanished as if he heard a bad omen. "That's better than giving that person an idea where he would find me."
I want to ask about it – what made him hate his dad that much and what exactly happened in his past, but I feel like I'll be invading if I do. We've been friends for years but he never said anything about his family or even a bit of his past.
He didn’t want us to know? Or, maybe, he doesn't trust me enough to tell me about it?
And then I was suddenly reminded of what he said earlier, 'I only wanted to show you my cool sides… But tonight I showed you this lame me instead. Sorry…'
Does he consider his past also one of his 'lame side'? But I want to know. I want to know everything about Misao. I want him to rely on me and believe in me.
"We should all take a rest." Misao said as he stood up then he turned to face me. "Call me if you need anything, okay?"
I nodded. "Yeah. Thanks Misao."
A hint of smile flashed on his face as he reached for my head, ruffling my hair. "Good night, Toshiro."
My cheeks instantly became warm. "Good night, Misao."
"Hello? I'm still here, guys. Where's my good night?" Saki looked at us with his right brow slightly raised, as well as one corner of his mouth in sheer fascination.
"Okay. Okay. Good night Saki." Misao said in a monotone before he entered his room.
***
I CAN'T SLEEP.
I don't know why I'm feeling awkward in this situation – sleeping beside Saki, even though he seems fast asleep already. I kept turning and rolling on my futon trying to find a comfortable position with the hopes of eventually falling asleep. My thoughts and questions about Misao were keeping me awake. Before I knew it, I was already creating scenarios in my head where Misao tells me his past, things about himself.
"Can't sleep, Toshiro?"
To my surprise, I immediately turned to look at Saki. He was facing away from me and I thought he was already sleeping. Then he slowly shifted, lying on his back. His gaze fixated on the ceiling in which I followed, but there was nothing there, only darkness.
"You must be wondering about my relationship with Misao..." He continued.
"Huh? N-not really…" I'm grateful for the darkness, I might have been making a weird face.
He chuckled, "The truth is, we dated when we were in highschool. We used to be classmates until my family bloody sent me to the UK."
"You mean… You and Misao used to be lovers? But you said… you guys were best friends?"
How can he say that so easily to me? No. What made him tell me about that?
"Well, yeah. We were best friends at first. We lived in the same area and our fathers were business partners. We realized our feelings for each other when we were in our last year in high school. It was a short relationship, we were easily found out by our fathers. As a result, they forcefully broke us apart by sending me abroad and cutting off our means of communication. It was a hundred times harder for Misao... he endured everything alone. I can only imagine all the pain he's been through. Until now, I'm mad at myself for not being by his side when he needed me the most."
I was intently looking at one side of his face, my eyes had finally adjusted from the darkness, when I saw the corner of his mouth curved up in a gentle smile, "But I'm glad to see that he's doing well now... I'm even more relieved to see him in love again..."
I held my breath.
He turned his body to face me, his eyes meeting mine. "I could see that he really likes you, Toshiro. But I don't think you're dating yet."
Yet?
"Do you want to get back together with Misao?" The words escaped my mouth so freely as if it's the next natural thing to ask.
"Hmm? What do you think?" He gave me a cunning smile.
"I think you still like Misao."
He turned again, back to his initial position, facing away from me. "Of course, I like Misao. But what I feel is not the issue here... What's important is how you feel about him?"
"Misao is my friend. I-I want to treasure him... as that."
"That's how I lost him..." He spoke again this time with a threatening voice, "Would you just let Misao walk out from your life?"
"No. I wouldn't like that..."
"I want Misao to choose the right person for him. Someone who will make him extremely happy, not to forget his painful past but to learn to accept it and move on along with him and someone who will love Misao as much as he loves him. If you can't be that person then stay away from Misao. Stop leading him on."
Am I leading him on?
Misao is my friend and I don't want him to leave. It's painful to even think about it. I want to know more about him—everything about him. I want him to rely on me. I'm happy when I see him smiling. I'm sad when I couldn't see him even just for a day. I'm upset when he gets too close to Saki. I don't want somebody else touching him and caring about him. I hate the thought of him giving up on me.
Were those normal feelings you'd have for a friend?
"Will you really stand by his side and watch him love somebody else?" Saki said, as if a final blow to my heart.
I bit my lower lip so hard, because if I don't, I'm afraid all my feelings will burst out like an open dam.
Instead, I whispered, "No… I don't think I can do that... More like… I don't want that to happen."
I heard him laugh under his breath, "Oh my… I'm already fast-asleep. Go talk to him now, Toshiro."
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