They say if you don’t fight for what you want, don’t cry on what you lose. Jisoo had knocked herself out not to cry when she thought of Sehun for these past two weeks, and it was quite an accomplishment. It looked like she started to experience the self-blame after missing many phases after the breakup. Because suddenly she felt like she didn’t fight enough for them, one single refusal and she decided to quit once and for all. And now what hurt more of losing him wasn’t about knowing that her days wouldn’t be the same without him, but knowing that she wasn’t fighting too hard to keep him.
During the time she spent with Yeonseok, she always saw Sehun on him. God only knew how they had almost identical face and stature. Their height was not much different, when Jisoo stood next to him, she almost thought she was with Sehun for the familiar posture, only when she looked up and met his eyes, she found a different person.
They both had broad shoulders, Jisoo realized this when they took pictures together in their pre-wedding photoshoot session. Her mood was actually mediocre at the time, she got used to her own effortless smile and even laughed at Yeonseok’s joke while he attempted to create a comfortable atmosphere for their awkward too-intimate poses—it’s surprisingly not too hard to act like you’re an in-love-couple with Yeonseok, he acted too naturally to the extent Jisoo thought he could win an Oscar, and it felt really weird. It was all fine until when the photographer asked them to do this pose where she had to wrap her arms around Yeonseok's neck from behind, then leaned on his shoulder, she instantly recognized the familiar feeling. Her mood took a freefall to mess-up, it was hard to smile in front of the camera until Yeonseok had to ask for a time-out for a while. He apparently thought she was on this 'mood-swing state' again, so he decided to end the photoshoot session and asked the photographer to use the previous best photos for publication.
A spoilsport, Jisoo called herself later. She felt so bad to Yeonseok for ruining the shoot, especially when he was being so much considerate to her emotional condition. But at the same time, she cursed him inside her head for why he should possess so much resemblance like Sehun that Jisoo almost went insane.
She knew letting-go wouldn’t be easy. But she wasn’t clued that it would be so difficult even though two weeks had passed without them communicating with each other. She was in this state where on the one hand she missed Sehun very much, but at the same time she wanted to forget everything. Because when she’s missing him she realized that she was the one who heartlessly walked away. And Sehun deserved better. He deserved to be heard, and he deserved a more proper goodbye.
And when one night her phone rang, Jisoo was surprised to find a familiar number on the phone screen. She memorized it very well, and she thought the number’s owner had stopped intending to contact her again. But why now from all the days?
Jisoo sat on the bedside in her bedroom. Her phone didn’t stop ringing in her fidgeting hands, and she had no idea what to do other than turning it into a vibrate mode. One side of her wanted to take his call, she longed for that certain person whose voice always made her heart fluttered. But also she knew this wasn’t a good idea. But until twenties of unanswered calls her phone hadn’t seen like it would stop vibrating, she took a deep breath, then she swiped it to the right and brought it to her ear.
“Sehun?” her voice trembling, it'd been a long time since she called that name with her mouth.
“We need to talk.” That's all he said. His voice sounded gruff, and it explained everything. There was pain in the way he spoke, as if it had been his state for the past few weeks. And it made Jisoo wonder how hard it was for him to keep up after the breakup. Was he suffered too? Why did he need to talk? Because suddenly she felt like it wouldn’t be something good. Was he calling her to say that he’d moved on?
No. She didn’t want to hear anything. She’s not ready if that’s what he wanted to say.
“I'm afraid I can’t, Sehun. It's a bad idea, you're not even supposed to call me.” She reasoned. Sehun must have hated her for this, but she’s so scared that she wouldn’t be able to take the truth. And the only thing she could do was being hypocritical this time.
“I have something say, and I need to see you to say it.”
Jisoo hated that he had to plead, it's not a nice thing to hear.
“I can’t. The family is here, we're—"
“I'm in front of your house, I'll be waiting for you here.”
He—what?
Jisoo rose from her seat and hurried toward the window, and as Sehun said, she found the boy leaning against the stone wall of the fence opposite the gate of her house. Their eyes met as Jisoo pulled the window curtain open. She stood there wordless, staring at him in silence.
God, how she missed him so much. She wished he knew that.
But tomorrow she'd get married, and her big family was spending the night at home today. Her dad was even discharged from the hospital to welcome tomorrow, and it’s impossible to get out from the house without drawing any attention when people gathered in the living room. They might have even begun to question why she left so long after excusing herself to her room to pick up something.
“I can’t, Sehun. Please, don’t do this. Go home, it's going to rain you’ll just get wet.”
Jisoo must have forgotten that Sehun never took any rejection very well, if there’s something she could describe him best was that he’s a very persistent boy. He always got what he wanted or died trying, so she knew well he’s not going to listen.
“Should I knock on your door to get you out?” that’s him talking the desperation.
She heard a slight tense on his tone, as if he’s frustrated with her consistent refusal. And Jisoo knew it’s the least of a bluff, because if Sehun said he’d do something, he would actually do it, though sometimes it's a very unreasonable thing. And they both knew Jisoo wouldn’t let him do it, there were too many people in her house right now and she couldn’t risk the chance that somebody would find them. It might hurt her dad if he found out about him, and she needed to keep it from happening.  Which meant, she should really go to see him.
This either might be the most painful meeting, or the best way to break up for them. To think about it again, they actually need to talk. There were a few things she needed to say, especially since they would often meet at the college as lectures began. Besides, she didn’t want him to hate her. Their relationship might not go the way they want, but Jisoo was eager for Sehun to accept her decision well. Though painful, they indeed couldn’t be together anymore.
Jisoo took a deep breath, she thought it’s probably okay to yield.
“Wait for me at the park, I’ll see you in a bit.” She said then, “Did you bring umbrella?”
She heard him breathed, it’s not quite visible from this distance but she could see him smiling right now in her imagination.
“Don’t worry about that.”
And he hung up. From where she stood, Jisoo watched as Sehun turned his gaze to her window before pulling himself from the wall, then he left. She felt like she needed to bring an extra jacket just in case.
She changed her clothes with jeans and a light sweater, also a cardigan to keep her warm in the rain. The autumn had already in the air at the end of this summer, it could be seen from the higher frequency of the rain to fall lately. She made a beeline to the front door casually, and borrowed Jongdae's jacket—she’d tell him later—and took out a spare umbrella from the buffet table at door’s side quietly, then left in hurry so that no one would catch her sneaking out.
The drizzle began to drop when Jisoo came out of the gate of her house; she walked quickly toward the residential complex’s park not far from home. Her heart was pounding rapidly as she got closer to the park. And when she spotted Sehun standing against the metal pipes of the jungle gym, her heart seemed like it’d stopped beating. Like she had expected, Sehun was wearing a thin shirt and seemingly indifferentif his clothes were wet by now.
She slowed her pace. The look on his face was getting clearer as soon as they were close enough. Sehun had cut his hair—it still looked good on him though, making him a lot mature and masculine even though the desperation was all over him. And when he looked up and met her eyes, Jisoo could see the remnants of exhaustion as if he had not slept for days. She really had to keep herself from moving anymore, because it was so difficult to control herself from running and holding him tight right there and then.
“Here, take this. You’re going to get cold under the rain.” She stretched out her hand to give him the umbrella and jacket so he could put it on. But instead of taking them from her, Sehun stepped up and stood before her under her umbrella.
Water drops flew down from his chin, they were so close and Sehun stared at her so intensely. And Jisoo knew what kind of gaze that was, she could recognize the deep sense of longing from the look in his eyes, because honestly, she also felt the same. But she had to hold herself, so she used that moment to cover his wet body with Jongdae’s jacket and slipped the umbrella to its pocket.
“I miss you.” He said softly. From the way Sehun held his hands by his side made her realize that he was probably also refraining himself from laying them on her this time. He was so careful it hurt—and the worst thing was she couldn’t say that she missed him back.
She looked up to him, for a second she liked to stare into his eyes and cradled his face for the time they had missed few weeks back. She was almost this close to lift her hand and put it on his cheek, when she remembered she was supposed to go back home right away. Nobody knew she went out, and when her family realized she wasn’t home, they’d probably start looking for her right away.
“I thought you have something to tell me.”
“Yeah, I do.” He mumbled, and it took few more seconds for him to finally say it. “I said I miss you.”
“And I heard that. Look, I can’t stay too long, no one knew I’m here right now, I need to go back.”
“What happened to us, Jee?” he asked then. “We were fine last three weeks, and suddenly you’re gone and I couldn’t call you. I want to fight for you, but you shut me out from this war. How can I fight for us if you don’t let me to?”
As much as she loved to hear them, Jisoo couldn’t deny something was wrong. He wasn’t supposed to say that, she couldn’t make him fight for her, it wasn’t even his war to begin with.
“There’s no war, Sehun, there’s even no us anymore. You shouldn’t be fighting for a spot in my life, you deserve better than that.” She said. God, how she hated herself for saying this to him, it’s too painful her eyes stung from the tears.
“I deserve you. You listen to me, I can’t lose you, Jee. I love you.”
Jisoo was quite for a few seconds. Her tears flowed as soon as the sentence was spoken. Three words, and they made heart crumble. He’s not allowed to love her, it’s a flaw. He wasn’t supposed to say it when she was getting married tomorrow to another guy, it’s so cruel. Her chest hurt as she was painstakingly trying to breathe, she put her hand on it, hoping Sehun would stop talking.
But he didn’t.
“I’ll marry you. I’m sorry it takes me too long to say it, but let me meet your dad. Let me fight my way to your life, let me save us.”
Now she’s really crying. How could he say that? All of the times why it had to be right now? For God’s sake it’s a countdown to her wedding, and Sehun happened to choose the worst time for reconciliation. Her mind went blank, she couldn’t hold back the sobs.
“I spent days crying for you, because I thought I’m losing you forever. And because I was the one breaking you up, I have to accept the consequences myself. And lately I'm letting you go, Sehun, I'm moving on. I'll have my wedding in fifteen hours, and now you say you'll marry me? What do you want me to say?” her voice rose, she was frustrated that she felt like kicking him on his shin. How could he do that to her? Why didn’t he just let her go and forget her? Why would he—
“Just say yes. Just say you’ll take me back, and we can get through this.” He put his hands on her shoulders and leaned forward to speak while their eyes were on the same line. “Tell me, we’re going to do this together, Jee.”
“But you’re too late, don’t you hear me? I’m getting married tomorrow, you’re three weeks late, Sehun!” She cried and shouted and hit him, but Sehun pulled her in and leaned her head on his chest.
“Please fight for me. You can’t give up, Jee, not on us. We’ve been together for three years and I don’t want it to end, not ever. I can’t let you marry anyone else but me. It has to be me.” Sehun pulled her off with his two hands cupping her cheeks, then he looked at her in the eyes as if searching for hopes in there. “You love me too, don’t you? Look at me, and say you don’t love me then you can leave, I dare you.”
Jisoo closed her eyes, letting out her agony and crying profusely. Why did he do that to her? He knew exactly how she felt but why he had to make her do it? She’d been pulling off so far for being numb and didn’t let her despair taking a toll on her. But all her efforts were in vain because Sehun broke through her self-defense, Jisoo hated herself for being so weak from the confession.
“I love you.” She opened her eyes and found his dark orbs glistening to hold back the tears. She scrunched his shirt with her one hand and sobbed, “I love you I feel like dying every time I see you in his eyes. Why do you do this to me? Why—” She didn’t finish what she was about to say because Sehun made her stop as he leaned in and pressed his lips on hers.
That’s it, the wall crumbled down. Truth be told, it was everything she hoped for, the thing she longed from him after weeks of grief. His lips caressed hers tenderly and it felt beyond extraordinary, as if like he had revived the butterflies inside her. She dropped her umbrella as she lifted her hands to clung over his neck, while savoring the taste of his sweet lips and being oblivious to the pouring rain. She was drowned, and she didn’t want to let go. It took her few more seconds when the memory of her last two weeks flashed before her eyes. It struck her like a thunderbolt, she pushed his chest and broke the kiss.
“No, this is wrong.” She said, “We can’t do this, Sehun, I’m engaged.”
He didn’t want to listen. As if it was his last time, he kissed her again, over and over again when she tried to broke it off. She pushed him on his chest, on his shoulder, but he didn’t budge. It was then when she pressed her lips together to keep him away from more access, Sehun finally let her go.
"I want to kiss you." he begged. But she shook her head this time, refusing.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I don’t want to hurt you more than I’ve already had. I’m sorry, Sehun, I really am.”
He was cracking up when he pressed his brow on hers, and then he took her to his arms and held her tight as if like his life depended on it. He buried his face on the crook on her neck, and they stayed like that for some time.
“The only war you have to fight is to let me go, Sehun.” She untangled his arms around her body and pushed him out softly. “Eventually we’re moving on. And I love you enough to let you do that.”
“Am I not that worth to be fought for?”
“If anything, you worth much more than my happiness.” She let go his hands on hers, “I love you, Sehun, I really do. But I love my dad more.”
With that she decided to end their conversation and turned around to leave. He didn’t stop her, just like the last time when she pledged for the fight. And when she didn’t hear him calling for her, she fastened her pace and ran home.
She couldn’t stop crying. All the way she sobbed miserably, she was soaked by the rain and her teeth were gritting from the cold but that didn’t stop her weep. It’s making it worse instead.
Jongdae was standing on the gate when she appeared from the street corner. His look was so worried that he ran to her with an umbrella.
“What happened to you?”
“I screwed up.” Jisoo shook her head desperately, “Sehun said he would marry me, but I said he’s too late. I thought it was the right thing, but why does my heart hurt so bad when I said that? Why is it so hard to let him go?”
"You sneaked out to see him?"
At first she thought he’s going to nag her and rattle about how irresponsible she was to confront Sehun just a day before the wedding. She had prepared herself from the long lecture, but Jongdae just hugged her by her shoulder instead, then he sighed.
“It’s so hard because you still hope there’s a chance, that’s why.” He didn’t elaborate, and Jisoo didn’t even need him to, “Now let’s get you dry, you’ll have a wedding to attend tomorrow. We can’t have this puffy face on the news headline.” He patted her cheek softly and hugged her one more time for comfort.
“No, Jongdae. I need to call—” she was trembling from the coldness, her arms wrapped around her body. “I need to call Jongin. He needs to find Sehun, I'm worried—”
“I'll deal with it, don't you worry about that. We need to get you inside now. Let's go.”
Jongdae thought they had to find a way to sneak her back into the house without being caught. But actually it was the least of her worry right now, she couldn't help  but keep looking back. She wished Sehun was okay.
*