A shriek of rock song woke Jisoo up that night, it sounded so loud that she jumped in surprise to find it came from the ringtone of Yeonseok’s phone. At the same time the owner of the phone woke up next to her, hissing softly before turning his ringtone into silent mode.
“I’m sorry, it’s the hospital. You go back to sleep.” Yeonseok said with an apologetic stroke on her upper arm. He slid off from the bed and took his call outside.
This wasn’t the first time Yeonseok got a call in the middle of the night, Jisoo had got used for emergency consults at the hour where people should’ve been in deep sleep. But this was the first time the phone rang too loud, looked like he got himself pranked by Changmin’s fad this time. She heard that it was the way both surgeons had a pay-back for getting into each other’s nerves sometimes.
Jisoo turned around and laid on her back, staring at the ceiling. Her head wasn’t as painful as this afternoon, she immediately fell asleep after taking painkiller and didn’t expect to oversleep until this late. So now her stomach was growling for food, she didn’t get to eat anything yet since this morning. So to cure her hunger, Jisoo decided to get out of bed and go to the kitchen.
Yeonseok was talking seriously as she passed him, he threw a glance to her briefly before continuing his conversation in a low voice while leaning against the pillar looking out the open window.
She poured cereal and mixed it with instant warm cocoa then took a seat on one of the chairs on the kitchen island. She wondered if Yeonseok ate something tonight because she didn’t have time to cook anything for dinner.
“Hello, this is Doctor Yoo Yeonseok from Shinsegae General. Sorry for the late call, but I was just informed that you may have a potential donor for my patient. Can you put me through the surgeon in charge, please?”
She heard Yeonseok made a new phone call, and instantly the senses of her listeners were drawn to overhear as the word donor was mentioned.
“Doctor Park Gongmyung—It's okay, yes, I'll wait.”
Jisoo ate slowly. She turned towards Yeonseok few times out of curiosity, and realized that he’s being watched, Yeonseok crooked his fingers to get her coming to him, Jisoo followed suit.
“What is it? Tell me it's good news.”
Yeonseok didn’t answer her question immediately. He only smiled then stroked her cheek,
“Oppa,” she begged.
“It's good news. We found a matched donor for your dad. And if everything goes well, we’re doing the surgery this evening.”
At that time, she had no idea how to react. Actually she had a mix feeling about this. Instead of being happy, Jisoo was actually more relieved, because this meant the end of their waiting. This was a new life for her dad, and this was the fruit of great hope. But on the other hand, the new life meant death for someone in another place. She remembered how that person's circumstance when the donor was given, she couldn’t help but think that if she was happy right now, then she’s happy over the suffering of others. And it didn’t sound right.
Jisoo didn’t know what to say, so she just cried. Crying in relief. And when Yeonseok stretched his arms to hold her, she pressed her head on his chest, seeking for comfort there. At least her sadness in the past day was gone already because of this news, and that was far more than enough.
They went to her dad’s house that morning after breakfast. Yeonseok had made another phone call to the hospital to prepare a transit room so that her dad could rest before the surgery. Jisoo packed some clothes and daily needs that her dad would need, then she called her aunt to let her know about surgery.
The team doctor visited him that afternoon, they put them through the protocol to discuss that evening surgery’s procedures, risk and all details about the operation. Two general surgeons would lead the surgery while the head of cardio surgeon would stand by to monitor if complications occurred, which they hoped would never happen.
“I thought you'll be the one who's going to operate.” Jisoo said to Yeonseok after the team left the room, she kept the question during the discussion because she thought Yeonseok would be the one in the operating room doing her dad instead of another doctor. It's not that she didn’t believe in them, but Jisoo was actually more comfortable with someone she knew well when it came to her dad’s case.
“You know we're not allowed to be involved in family's case.” He explained, and he’s right. She totally forgot about that fact alone. “But they're great surgeons, I assure you. In fact, they're the best we have here. So don’t worry, your dad is in good hands.”
She wanted to trust Yeonseok, so she nodded and let a resident in charge set up her dad for pre-op. When they took him to the operating room, she could not calm down. Yeonseok invited her to wait in her dad’s room so she could rest because it would take a long time before they finished, but Jisoo couldn’t stop fidgeting and passing by in the room. Her aunt saw her restlessness, so she told Yeonseok to take her for a walk to calm down because Jisoo looked like she was going to explode anytime.
Yeonseok might see her unrest, for once out of the room he took her up the elevator for the upper floor. They walked down a long deserted corridor, several nurses and doctors passed them, and Jisoo started to think this place wasn’t an area where civilians could pass freely.
They arrived at a gallery with a large window showing the operating room on the other side. She just realized what the place was, as she remembered to have seen it in some medical dramas. From there they could see the operation from the top. Some people had occupied the long chairs at the back rows, Yeonseok took her to the front row closest to the big screen that highlighted on the operating table to show a closer visualization and details.
“Hey,” Yeonseok greeted Changmin.
“Oh, hey, hello Jisoo, they're about to start the operation, you haven’t missed anything yet.” He said as he said hi to Jisoo.
She thought her dad’s operation was running already, because he was taken hours ago. When she asked this, Yeonseok explained that usually surgery wouldn’t start before the patient actually under the anesthesia and it could take about one to two hours before the operation began.
The surgical procedure would take about five hours, if everything went well without complications. Yeonseok and Changmin were more than happy to explain every detail of the incisions and movement of the surgical instruments the doctors did down there, of what they were doing, and why they did that. For the first two hours they both focused on the scene before them. Jisoo observed several people, who seem to be resident and intern watched behind.
Their hands were holding notes and they recorded some of the things that Yeonseok or Changmin mentioned during the explanation. Sometimes some of them would ask questions, and either of both men would answer for them. Sometimes the two doctors alternately gave a quizz to the names of the procedures, their purposes, to the relation to some cases, and the interns or the residents scrambled to raise their hands to answer them—so they could get the snacks Changmin actually had brought to accompany him to watch.
The surgery seemed to run faster and less tense with their interaction, even Jisoo had no longer felt the terrible stress because of them. She had to admit the two doctors looked really cool in that impromptu class session. Now she got why the nurses said they were the interns and residents’ two favorite doctors at the hospital.
When the surgery finally ended, Jisoo could hardly believe the five hours ended quickly. She couldn’t  be more grateful when the doctors in charge told them her dad’s condition, that everything went well and that they just needed to wait for him to wake up in a couple hours. She hugged them tightly between the laughs of their success.
*
Her dad’s transplant euphoria still felt so high until the next day. Jisoo didn’t sleep all night waiting for him until he woke up a few hours before sunrise, and was able to really rest and close her eyes after having breakfast.
Her dad was placed in an isolation room at the corner of the ICU hall, a private room supposedly reserved for the VIPs, where he had his own waiting room for families. A sofa bed was held so Jisoo could sleep. And she just woke up about five hours later when her aunt woke her up for lunch.
She turned on her cell phone after nearly two days was left to die for not being touched. And still in this euphoric mood, she didn’t expect to be greeted by the commotion in her study group's chat page, discussing Jongdae who had just involved in a fight.
She could hardly believe it when she first read it. Jongdae wasn’t the kind of person who would fight, although he’s quite vocal, her brother was emotionally controlled. Something must have greatly triggered his anger that people said he 'never looked so out of control' when fighting with—
Oh God, Oh Sehun.
She was like going to collapse again for how unbelievable it was. She watched an amateur video tape showing the two boys having a quarrel in the back of the campus. Sehun with his ‘it's none of your business’ card and Jongdae with his ‘I'm his brother’ act and both felt they had the right to do what they're doing at the time.
Both seemed careless of how many people watched, and it’s maybe something Sehun said—she didn’t really catch so much—that sparked Jongdae's outrage, the shriek of the girls rang in her ear as Jongdae suddenly moved advanced and threw his fist at Sehun's face. Jisoo instantly covered her mouth with her hand in shock.
It's like watching a drama on stage. They both didn’t look like she had ever known them. She obviously didn’t recognize Sehun anymore because he really changed from how he used to, but Jongdae? Jisoo really wished he was better than this.
She no longer knew how their fight went on because the video ended when some people interfered to separate them. Reading further comments from her friends, Jisoo didn’t need to guess what the source of the fight was.
Some people regretted Jongdae's attitude, apparently from their chatter Jongdae didn’t really need to interfere because whatever happened between Sehun and her, it's none of his business. But others also insisted that Sehun should be taught something. Jongdae had a respected reputation for being the president of the student body in the college, and people actually listened to him. With Jongdae coming down straight away, this meant Sehun's fangirls would stop harassing Jisoo as well.
Jisoo just read their chat in silence. The conversation just changed the subject when one of them gave word that her dad was having transplant surgery yesterday, and maybe that's why she hadn’t given any clarification about this incident. But frankly, Jisoo didn’t know how to react, again. This was a totally unexpected occurrence. And although Jongdae was involved in the fight to defend her, she couldn’t decide where to stand in this case.
It's just too complicated and confusing, and she didn’t want to think too much about it. She got a migraine attack again afterwards.
And she didn’t expect to see Jongdae so soon, because, truth be told, she had no idea how to feel about Jongdae after watching the video. So when Jongdae emerged from behind the door into the waiting room, she just sighed.
“Go away, Jongdae. You’re the last person I want to see right now.”
“Ouch. I didn’t expect that cold greeting at all,” he said, faking the heartache by putting his hands on his chest. “Something like, are you okay? Did you get hurt, things like that are more suffice, you know.”
“That served you right. I hope he punched you harder.” She retorted.
“A-ha. That’s where you got it wrong, Sister. I didn’t get punched, your ex did though. And it served him just right.” Jisoo didn’t know what made Jongdae so satisfied to say it, his arms folded across his chest as if he was proud to have hurt someone. And of course it sparked her anger.
“You think it’s all a joke, don’t you? You laughed in my misery and instead of making things better, you just decided to make a scene out there. What a good job you’ve done.”
“Me? Making a scene, you said? If anything, I was saving your ass from this whole mess, Jisoo. Do you think I’m oblivious to what happened this whole week? People are talking trash about you, they’ve been mentally abusing you, and we have a term to define those action. It’s called bullying.” Jongdae spoke seriously.
This was really a conversation that required extra attention. Given to the serene athmosphere, both must keep their voices in order to keep it minimal. Theirs were barely audible, but at the same time deep enough with the emotions and pressures of each word, so whilst whispering Jisoo could still hear them clearly.
“It’s not your fault if Sehun had a crush on and dated you. It’s not your fault when you guys broke up and you married someone else. Nothing’s wrong in wanting to make your parent happy, they’re being an ass by acting like they’re the absolute judge in your decision making when they know nothing about it at all. Sehun can’t just turn against you and side with them, letting what people do to you like it’s normal. It’s unacceptable, Jee, I can’t accept this. He’s being mean.”
“Well, let him be. If that makes him happy, let him do whatever he wants to do, I’ll just take it.”
Jongdae scoffed, his eyes widened in disbelief. “Do you even hear yourself?—“
“No, you listen to me. I hurt him, Jongdae, I broke his heart to the core and that is unacceptable. He hated me, that’s normal. He wants me to leave, he wishes I’m not exist anymore, and that’s normal. And if taking these are the least I can do for him, I’ll gladly do it. Really, you don’t need to understand. And I don’t need your defense. Please, you’ve done enough.”
Jongdae sighed as he threw his hands in the air, giving up. He knew Jongdae could not get over her mind now, especially when he decided not to talk anymore. Jongdae would not understand because he wasn’t in her shoes now, he didn’t feel the pain that Sehun felt. That's why she felt this was unfair to Sehun, what Jongdae did was unreasonable, though he did all that for her good. She didn’t appreciate his action at all.
She didn’t want to talk about it anymore, so when Jongdae left with a dejected mood, she let him be. She didn’t even care if Jongdae was offended, because Jisoo was still persistent that what he did was wrong. This problem was enough to affect her mood, make her not say much, not even able to hide her annoyed look in front of her dad when he awoke. Fortunately her dad was still under the influence of morphine, so his consciousness came and gone, and he couldn’t pay much attention to the look on her face.
The trip to Gong Myungjin's funeral home took about two hours trip. It was the name of her dad’s donor, who passed away at the same time the doctors drew his organs of out his body. Yeonseok filled her information before the surgery due to her request. He told her about his job as a firefighter, about his little family, and what made him in that state at the first place.
Yeonseok deliberately ended his work early so they could leave before dinner. Jisoo wore her black short dress that she used for her mom’s funeral. After long time kept in the closet, she didn’t think the dress was still fit on her body, although a little shorter.
During the trip both Jisoo and Yeonseok didn’t talk much. The only question Yeonseok asked was why he didn’t get to see Jongdae for a few days at the hospital, whereas usually the boy always stayed around where Jisoo was.
“Do you guys fight?" Yeonseok asked again when he didn’t hear any answer. “It's weird to see you guys like this, I never thought twin siblings can fight.”
“He's not my twin sibling.” Jisoo replied briefly, and Yeonseok just scoffed.
But it was their last conversation, because the rest of the trip Yeonseok let the radio broadcast filled the silence between them.
The funeral house was not far from the hospital where Gong Myungjin was previously treated. Yeonseok parked his car in an empty slot, then wore a suit hanging on the back door. Jisoo watched in silence as he took off his watch and put it in the dashboard, and what which caught her attention was when he took out a few million check sheets and put it in an unnamed white envelope.
“Why do I feel like we’re paying him for the organ he gave dad.” Jisoo commented.
“They need it, and it's not a payment. He’s a donor, we have to respect that.” Yeonseok smiled and patted Jisoo cheek softly, clarifying. And Jisoo felt a bit guilty about thinking things, of course, Yeonseok was not someone who would do such a thing. He's always genuine with everything he did, she should never question it.
Yeonseok got out of the car and turned to her side to open the door, he put his hand on her waist as they walked in the funeral house together in hands.
Some families were mourning as they stepped through a long corridor, some of the flower wreaths lined up to express the condolences to the affected families. And Jisoo knew that Gong Myungjin's hall was right in front of her steps when she discovered a flower wreath from—what written there—‘Yoo Yeonseok—Chief of Surgery of Shinsegae Hospital and Kim Jisoo’ in one of the rows.
Relatives of the deceased filled the living room while chatting and enjoying the dinner, Yeonseok wrote their names in the guest book, slipped the unnamed envelope into the box, then greeted the family in front before taking her to the mourning room.
Jisoo stared at the small alter with a picture of Gong Myungjin in two black ribbons across the top corners of the frame. To the right, the deceased's wife raised from her seat with a little girl and her older son. She followed Yeonseok's motion, putting chrysanthemum flowers on the altar, then bowed deeply to the deceased to show their respects. Turning to the little family, Jisoo bowed again. She let Yeonseok introduce themself, and knowing who they were, the deceased's wife pulled her into a hug and cried.
“I'm sorry for your loss, Ma'am, I can’t say anything other than thanking you for everything your husband did to my father. I know there's nothing to replace him, I just hope he leaves for the heaven in peace, and I wish a better life for you, may God always be with you.”
She tried not to cry in front of them, even though it felt so hard to endure that emotion. She knew exactly how it felt to be left by a loved one, she understands her current state, especially when at the same time she had to support two very small children.
Then she turned to the oldest boy who sat in silence while watching her little sister playing with her tiny doll. Jisoo crouched before him and decided to say hello before Yeonseok took her to leave the room.
“What’s your name?” she asked.
"Gong Jihoon. What’s yours?”
“I’m Kim Jisoo.”
“Are you one of my father’s colleagues at work?” he asked her back, his eyes were glistening with tears as saying that.
Jisoo shook her head, “No, I am one of those who are grateful of your father bravery.” She answered, then reached his head and stroked it lovingly.”You must be a proud son. He saves so many, many lives, he saves my father’s and any other people’s. I’m very sorry for your loss, but you need to remember this when you miss him.”
“Yes?”
“Your father died a hero. He’s my hero.”
“He’s mine too. And I’ll be a hero for my family too when I grow up.” He sobbed.
“I believe you will, Jihoon. I believe you will.”
Jisoo leaned it to pressed her lips on his forehead and the little girl’s, murmuring the ‘God bless you’ before she took Yeonseok’s hand to help her rising and following him out after the last bow to the family.
Her chest was stifling for the heartbreaking scene. She felt a deep sympathy for Jihoon’s mature nature in his early childhood. She shared his deep sadness, it must be very hard to lose a father figure at a very young age. Little did she knew then that she would be in his shoes a few days later.
Jisoo understood the concept of death for the first time when she was sixteen. The first time Death came to her life was when He took her beloved grandmother at the age of five. Her mom said that grandma went to a long journey to the place where kind people would go after they got old, for eleven years she believed that Death was some kind of the elder nursing home until He took her mom away from their family.
Death was not only a mere concept of understanding when she was a next to kin of the decease. He was a revelation, that when He took your loved ones away, He also took away your sense of familiarity and dependence onto them. It left you with emptiness and grief longing for their presence when they’re gone, because suddenly it felt so strange when your loved one wasn’t there to wake you up in the morning, it felt so quiet when you heard no more naggings at your bad habits, it felt so—lonely. She was prepared when Death took away her mom from her, but she wasn’t when He came again to take her dad.
It was when they got back from the funeral house that night; she found an on-call resident was monitoring her dad’s condition with other two nurses. Her dad got a fever, his skin turned yellowish, and his tummy was swollen and rigid. They filled in Yeonseok the latest update of the lab check, but it wasn’t a good one.
“What’s going on? Is he okay?” Jisoo asked when Yeonseok finally seat himself next to her on the couch. It’d been hours of checking and monitoring, and Jisoo couldn’t help fidgeting at the waiting chamber while doctors and nurses went back and forth from and to her dad’s room.
“You should’ve rest. It’s two am already.” Yeonseok said while checking at his watch instead of giving her an answer.
“You think I can take a rest when you guys bustling around? It worried me, what’s going on here? Is he okay?” She repeated the same question.
Yeonseok leaned his back on the couch and let out a sigh, it had been a long day for him too. He was supposed to rest after two surgeries this morning and a long trip to Anyang, but instead of having a good night sleep, he was here taking care of her dad who wasn’t even his patient.
At one point, Jisoo still didn’t get used of his constancy in taking care of her family. It felt so strange to have somebody doing things for her when she usually did everything herself. But in another point, she was glad he’s around, because she couldn’t imagine what she would do if she had to face it by herself. It’s weird, but it’s also nice to have someone to lean on at time like this.
“He’s not, I’m sorry.” Yeonseok rubbed his lethargic face and took her hand on his while Jisoo waited in silence, “Your dad had showed early symptoms of primary graft dysfunction and kidney failure. We put him back on the list for an emergency re-transplantation; I hope we got some news by this morning.”
What?
Her mind went blank. She couldn’t comprehend what Yeonseok had told her, it just slurred into and out from her ears she couldn’t catch what it meant. Her dad was fine, they said the surgery was success, his post-op was clean, people even wished for his speedy recovery, and now why was this happening? She couldn’t get it.
“It’s a common complication happened to people who got a transplant surgery, Jisoo.” Yeonseok told her when she asked where all this came from, “It’s something unpredictable even when we did every precaution procedure. Given to his age and his acute level of hepatic disease, it just happened. I’m sorry to tell you this, but I need you to prepare yourself for the worst.”
“No.” she shook her head, “No, I can’t take this.”
There’s nothing more she wanted to hear. Her dad was fine, he was ready to welcome his new life and Jisoo didn’t expect something like this would happen. There were so many questions lingered in her head; like if they cleared his thrombosis level for surgery, how couldn’t they expect the blood clots that led to the graft failure? If the liver was healthy so why wasn’t it working properly? What would happen if they couldn’t get new liver by the end of the day? What would happen to her dad? What would happen to her?
It’s still a mystery how life worked, and how it changed instantly to something you never expect. Was it wrong being happy and hopeful? Gong Myungjin didn’t die and donate his liver only to have it failed to function, she couldn’t understand how everything they did was in vain.
And this change was so fast. It took only hours until Death stood at the threshold, He didn’t let her even say a proper goodbye. They were just having conversation and she heard her dad—for the first time in her life—complaining of his chest pain, and asking for somebody. She couldn’t think straight when the tone of the EKG’s beat was squeaking like a marathon, everything went like a slow motion when Changmin ran in a hurry with a nurse pushing a crash cart and Yeonseok pulled her on his arms to look away and took her out of the room.
She didn’t realize she had turned into another sobbing mess, and everything went so blurry, when Changmin came to them with a regretting look. All his ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘we did everything we could’ was inaudible, but it’s enough to throw her off of the cliff of reality.
That her dad was gone.
That Death had taken him away, to the place she could never find.
And another grief had begun.
*