Jisoo couldn’t get that moment off of her head. The last conversation she had with her dad before he was coding for a heart attack, it was full of apologize. She didn’t expect him to hear the argument she got into with Jongdae the other day, especially when she was sure their voice was inaudible enough for other people to catch. Maybe it was his sensitivity to voices, or maybe it was just fate, no one knew.
All she knew that her heart felt like it sank to her bladder when in his lucid consciousness, he suddenly asked,
“Do you love him?”
Jisoo dragged her chair closer to the bed and closed the distance between her and her dad. “Who is?” she asked back.
“That boy you talk about with Jongdae.” Jisoo froze. “Do you still love him?”
She didn’t expect that they would talk about it, let alone to have her dad aware of Sehun’s presence at all. What would she say? What did she do? She let everything gone be by gone, that she just wanted to move on and now her dad brought it back to her conscience. As much as she wanted to shake her head, she couldn’t lie to her heart.
And when she nodded, tears just came running.
“I’m sorry. I should’ve thought of your feelings, but I was too ignorant…” Her dad rubbed his teary eyes, the sight broke her heart again.
“No, Dad—“
“I had this thought of the possibility that you might have someone you like. Even Yeonseok was trying to tell me, but I couldn’t just have myself to bring it up. I’m sorry. It’s not that I don’t care, I just want you to be happy; I didn’t mean to hurt you or anyone else.”
“Dad, please…”
“I’m sorry.” He pleaded.
And Jisoo shook her head, “Don’t be sorry, there’s nothing to be sorry for. We just don’t belong to each other, Dad, I’ll move on.”
When he choked on his tears, Jisoo realized it was the first time she saw him crying. He didn’t cry when her mom died, at least he didn’t let her see it. He didn’t cry when he walked her on the aisle to her wedding, he didn’t cry when he saw her hurting from the news of his terminal disease. But that day he burst into tears knowing how much it hurt to having a broken heart. It broke his heart too, and Jisoo felt so sorry he had to hear her messy argument with Jongdae. She wished she could be more alert, she should’ve been more careful. And she failed him.
“What’s his name?” he finally asked.
“It’s Sehun.”
“Was he good to you? Did he treat you good?”
Jisoo nodded repeatedly, “He did, more than you could imagine. He was everything but a disappointment.”
“I’m sorry, Jisoo. I know it’s a lot to ask of you, I just want you to be happy—“
“I know, Dad. I believe you.”
“I believe Sehun is a very good boy, I won’t question your judgment. But I promise you, Yeonseok is good too. He would treat you much better, he’s just as nice as that.”
She nodded. “I believe you, Dad.”
“You’re a very good daughter, you know that? You’re kind, and compassionate. I’m a lucky father, and I’ll die happy.”
She couldn’t take it anymore that she let her sob flooded the bed sheet. She nodded heartily, and tears kept running more as he apologized for the last time, and then he said that he loved her, and everything stopped there.
That certain memory kept replaying in her head, and every single time it always caused her another heavy sob. Her dad finally learned about Sehun, and she was happy that he approved him, even though he still believed another man was much better for her. It was fine. It’s just so unfortunate that he had to get through this at his last minutes.
And she never expected that the very spot Jihoon stood would be hers in a matter of hours. Yeonseok stood at her right as they took the condolences from the people who came to the funeral house, in fact, never once he left her side during the procession.
It felt like exactly how her wedding day went, as her soul wandered around leaving her body in that very moment. It’s like a dream, a nightmare that she underwent as she fell asleep. And she didn’t want to wake up for fear that the dream might come true—but then she realized it was the reality. That her dad had indeed gone.
Jisoo mimicked the bow of Seorae’s owner couple, thanking them for their visit. The lady then took her in a tight embrace, engulfing her with consoling words along their condolences and offering her a warm welcome anytime she wanted to visit Seorae.
She took a seat when the couple left the mourning room, folded her legs and wrapped her arms around them. She then rested her forehead on her knees, feeling so tired but refused to rest when Yeonseok asked her to. Apparently he wasn’t the only one asking her to do so because right then Jongdae came in and crouched beside her, offering for an extra help.
“Why don’t you take a rest? Go home with hyung, you need your energy for tomorrow’s funeral. I’ll stay here with mom.” He said while intending to help her to rise, but Jisoo took her arm off.
“No, Oppa needs the rest, I don’t. I want to stay here.”
“You’ll just get more exhausted if you don’t go now. Everybody is here, you don’t need to worry, Uncle won’t be left alone, I promise you.”
“I don’t want to.” She pulled her hand back when Jongdae took it and was about to pull her up.
She had no idea why Jongdae suddenly being persistent to make her rest. She had been here for two days, and he almost never spoke to her. If he was being guilty for his indifference after their last fight, he was wrong if he thought she would yield. She didn’t want to listen.
And Jongdae was just as hard headed as her about this, and she almost yelled for him to leave her alone when at the same time she caught a very familiar figure appeared from the door, then she stopped moving. She couldn’t take off her sight of Sehun, who walked behind his best friend, Jongin, with his black suit and mourning face as they entered the mourning room. A hatred look now shot to Jongdae as she realized what he was trying to do, he wanted to make her leave so that she didn’t get to meet Sehun here.
It sparked her anger.
She watched Sehun from his side as both the boys bowed down to her dad’s coffin, and locked her gaze at the same spot when they turned to greet them.
Why is he here? She thought. What made him come? Because she thought he hated her, because she thought he wanted her to not exist. If he loathed her that much then why he’s here now? What did he want?
Jisoo didn’t rise when Sehun stood in front of her. She stayed staring at the empty spot where he used to stand at the middle of the room before, just right through his knees, she didn’t look up when he half bowed to her and let Jongin do the talking, passing them their condolences. She didn’t react as Jongdae put his hands on her upper arm and back, telling her that she should greet the guests—as if like he never did what he’d done earlier.
She bit her lips, what’s going on here she couldn’t comprehend. Why should he stand before her at her most vulnerable state? She had been trying to hold back her tears since they left the hospital, she wanted to save her grief until it’s all over so she could cry day and night under in her isolated bedroom.
She couldn’t feel the awkwardness even though it overwhelmed the room in silence.
“Let’s go, Sehun.” She heard Jongin said as he was to take his friend leaving the room, but the said person stayed unmoved. Instead, he was down on his knees in front of her.
And that’s when their eyes met, Jisoo couldn’t hold it anymore. She could spot a purplish mark Jongdae had hit him under his left eye, failing to hold herself not to touch it. She burst into tears right there and then, and as if he couldn’t take it anymore either, Sehun wrapped his arms around her body and pulled her to his chest. Jisoo couldn’t resist him, there was like a big hole in her chest and it was so painful she failed to act strong in between her sobs.
“It’s okay.” He whispered.
When Sehun held her, it felt so right. She let out all her desperation as she cried in the crook of his neck. Suddenly all the memories they had together replayed in her mind, she remembered the first time they met, their study sessions in which turned into dates, their first kiss—and all the kisses they had shared, all the smiles and laughs they made for each other, all the tears and hugs, all the consolation, all the jokes; she remembered the first time he told her that he loved her that night at the park, then her dad last words about him, it broke her heart for the God-knows times. She clung unto him, didn’t even care when Jongdae nagged her.
“Jisoo, you can’t be like this.” His voice was barely audible; even though Jisoo could hear it she wouldn’t listen.
But then she felt another pair of hands in both of her arms,
“You can let her go now.” She heard Yeonseok said that to Sehun in his most composed tone before he pulled her off.
No, don’t take him away! Please, don’t!
She felt like she wanted to scream, but her tongue was tied nothing came out of her mouth. She tightened her grasp on the cloth of Sehun’s back suit, but a stronger grip took Sehun away from her as Jongin pulled his friend in.
“Come on, Sehun, you promised me.” She heard him whispering on his ears, and right then Sehun released his embrace unwillingly, he finally let her go.
He didn’t say anything when Jongin helped him to stand up, he didn’t even say goodbye as Jongdae escorted them out and left her with Yeonseok at the mourning room. She never felt this mad, she didn’t even care that this became quite a sight outside the room. Ripping her arms off of his grip, she buried her face in her hands and screamed her heart out.
*
The sky was dark when Jisoo woke up in her dad’s bed. It was raining outside and Jisoo tightened her sweater as she got up and slid out of bed. The clock on the wall showed it's eleven o'clock at night, Jisoo was still so tired after her dad’s funeral procession all day, but her stomach was already hurling for food.
She stumbled down the stairs, thinking about to cook something in the kitchen but as soon as she reached the bottom of the stairs, she stopped. She vaguely heard a voice in the kitchen, when she was sure she was alone in the house. Slowly she stepped through the living room, until at the end of the kitchen door she saw Yeonseok stood by the stove.
“Oh, you’re up.” He greeted as he saw her coming, “Come here, I cooked us a late dinner.”
The smell of budae jjigae really teased her appetites; she could feel the worms in her stomach screaming for it now. But she remembered that she was supposed to be angry with him, so instead of answering she made a beeline to the fridge and took a bottle of ice water from inside.
“I’m not hungry.”
She didn’t understand why he was still here. She had clearly said that she wanted to be alone in her dad’s house, and told him to go home after driving her to the house. Since the incident with Sehun yesterday, she gave him a cold treatment. She wanted to vent all her frustrations over all the events that had taken place this month back, and Yeonseok came to be a perfect impingement.
“You can’t be not hungry.” Yeonseok insisted, “You didn’t eat anything since yesterday, I don’t want to starve you. You need to eat.” He said while putting off the stove, and transferred the clay pot onto the kitchen table with a mitten.
Jisoo uncapped the bottle and drank some water, then closed the fridge door with her elbow and turned away. She didn’t want to satisfy his ego, she just wanted him to leave.
“I’m not hungry. Just leave me alone.”
Jisoo was too lazy to talk anymore, she walked out of the kitchen, intending to return to her dad’s room. But before she reached the door, wrapping arms on her shoulders pulled her backwards until her back hit his hard chest. She struggled to escape, but Yeonseok’s grip was much stronger, and she's trapped there.
“Let me go.” She said indifferently.
“For better, for worse, remember?” He said on her ears. “I promise to take care of you in your most vulnerable times. I promise to be patient. I promise to be your lover, companion and friend, your ally in conflict, your greatest fan and your toughest adversary, and your consolation in disappointment. I take you to be my partner for life, I promise above all else to live in truth with you. And to communicate fully and fearlessly, I give you my hand and my heart. As a sanctuary of warmth and peace. And pledge my love, devotion, faith and honor. As I join my life to yours.”
At that right time Yeonseok decided to recite back his vow during their wedding ceremony, as if he knew this needed to be done one day when she forgot. But she remembered that vow so well, because those words touched her heart the time she listened, it brought tears in her eyes. So many feelings wrestled in her chest, and those feelings were now raging again just like before. The effect of those magical words remained the same. And when a minute ago she was still mad at him, all she had now was guilt.
What exactly was she doing? What kind of rebellion did she want to show? Why was she being angry at him when he’s done nothing but a comfort?
“Those promises are not lies, Jisoo, I wrote them, and I pronounced them for you because that’s what I would do when I take you as my wife. They’re not something you say then unsay just because something is not ideal for you. It’s called the vow for a reason.”
Why was he always right?
He paused for a moment before he spun her around to face him, then his arms on her shoulders. “You can be angry, you can shut me out all you want. But you can’t tell me to go away, that’s not something I will do. We can either talk about this, or you can just sit and enjoy the dinner. Let’s go, the food will get cold.”
Jisoo didn’t refuse this time, he let Yeonseok hold her hand, pulled out a chair so she could sit and seat himself across the table. They ate in silent; Jisoo chose to keep her mouth shut while trying to apprehend the words Yeonseok told her. She couldn’t stop thinking—why was he so nice?
If she was him, maybe she wouldn’t be as calm as the way he faced people’s talking after the incident that happened with Sehun yesterday. Jisoo realized that her attitude was inappropriate, she shouldn’t hold someone else like that in front of Yeonseok, it’s humiliating him. But even after that, he didn’t say anything at all, he didn’t ask, let alone confront her for her actions.
Although many guests witnessed her hysterical derangement at that time, Yeonseok could still be so organized in staying calm. Instead, he took her in his arms so she was hidden from the people’s view from outside the mourning room, he didn’t even scold her. No nagging, not any single cold treatment indicating that he’s annoyed. The only thing he did was comforting her. Jisoo hated herself even more because suddenly she felt so mean.
“Go take a shower and get rest, I’ll do the dishes.” He told her when she finished her meal. She didn’t reply—she actually had no idea what to say, so she rose from her seat with a screeching sound of moving chair, left the kitchen and climbed the stairs to her room.
A half of an hour later Jisoo lied on her bed. She decided to sleep in her own bedroom tonight, even though she wasn’t exactly sure that she would be able to close her eyes. Despite the fatigue over powered her tonight, her eyes refused to rest, as if half an hour sleep earlier today had been enough to replace the three days without adequate rest. She deliberately didn’t close the window shade so she could stare at the view out there, which was dominated by dark skies and raindrops visible from the reflection of the lights in the garden.
It was then that she heard the sound of her bedroom door opened, then closed again softly. Jisoo didn’t have to turn to know that Yeonseok had just come in, so she kept staring out the window—still in silence. A new weight was placed on the other side of her bed, and it moved to her side until it stopped just behind her. And there he set himself. He then put his arm around her waist, and held her body wholly when she didn’t flinch like she used to, closing the distance between them.
“When you’re sad, the best medicine is to have someone to hold and keep your body warm.” She heard him saying. “Just relax and close your eyes, the day will last and so will your cry. I promise you.” He tangled his legs with hers, and pulled her body to his.
And right now, Jisoo really wanted to believe him, because truthfully, she was tired of grieving. She didn’t want to mourn and kept crying, so for the first time she gave up and leaned herself to him. She put her hand on his arm, surrendering herself in the warmth of his embrace.
And for the first time after so long, she fell asleep. She hadn’t slept this well since a month ago.
*