Risha’s breathing now came in short gasped, laboured, she closed the dairy slowly, her hands shaking so much that the book fell, her heart beating so rapidly, that it was faintly audible in the silence of the room.
“What could this mean? What did I just read, could it really be true, did all that really happen?”
“No” she whispered shaking her head, “no, it couldn’t be so, there has to be some logical explanation for everything, it definitely couldn’t have been so.” But deep down in her heart, with every fibre of her being, she knew it was true, knew what it meant, understood what she had done.
“Oh Allah” she whispered, the wall in her room literarily spinning around her “what have I done? Ya Allah, please, let it not be true” she cried silently, as the tears flowed freely down her white blood drained cheeks, “let it not be so.”
***
Risha sat across the dining table, facing Farhan as he ate silently, her own plate untouched. Despite the clear fact that he really did not want to eat, she could see he was making the valiant effort of doing so regardless; just so she didn’t feel bad for cooking it. “He was such a considerate person” she thought, always caring for others always trying to make others happy no matter what it cost him, no matter the strain it put on him, he took it all with a smile. But yes, there was pain too, it was there if one observed closely, in the way his eyes filled with tears sometimes, in the way he seemed lost in his thoughts, before signing deeply as if in resignation and defeat, in the way he sometimes looked at her, with neither hate nor anger but with pity and regret. It was all there, all one really had to do was keenly observe and see what lay behind the façade. And yes, it was there now, she could see it all in his face. “How could I have missed all these?” she scolded herself as she felt the guilt creep up her spin.
“A penny for your thoughts” she heard him say, bringing her back to reality.
She looked at him to realise he had actually finished eating, he smiled and her breath caught, “that smile”, that smile was the reason she never realised his pain, his sadness. So genuine, so breath-taking, so transforming, it hid every other emotion perfectly, not even a magician could see beyond that smile. Subconsciously, she found herself smiling back, forgetting her fears, her worries…
“My thoughts are not even worthy of a penny” she whispered, looking away to hide the heavy blush on her cheeks.
“To me, your thoughts are worth more than a billion dollars” he said laughing softly.
“And yours right now are worth the whole treasures in the world to me” she wanted to reply, but couldn’t bring herself to speak those words.
“Come, tell what you are thinking, I am curious” he said.
Looking him straight in the eyes, she said, “I am thinking about you.”
He looked her in the eyes trying to see whether she was serious or not.
“I know so little about you Farhan” she continued, “you have done so much for me, and I am ashamed to say it, but I don’t really know much about you,… your past,” she said the last two words slowly.
Slowly, his facial expression became serious, his long brows shading his eyes, trying to sound jovial, he said “why the sudden interest? You never really asked before”
Looking very uncomfortable, she avoided his searching gaze, “I know, it just that I realise that now, I guess in the past, I was just too selfish to care, I mean I thought about it a lot, but I was just not concerned enough to ask,” she said looking at him apologetically.
Smiling a little, he shrugged his shoulders “well, there is not much to know about me, I am a pretty boring kind of guy. I come from a family of 8, my father is late, after my secondary school, I went to London to further my education, after returning, I was lucky to secure a job at your father’s company, that pretty much sums up the main details.”
“Yea, then I forcefully married you, destroyed your life and your love” she thought wincing in pain. “What about your childhood,” she asked, trying to smile.
“Ah, it was great, wonderful, so much fun, despite dad left us at a young age, Mum has always been there. I had a happy childhood, one that I look back to with so much joy and appreciation, we had the best neighbourhood, our parents made efforts to be friends so naturally, the children were like siblings, in the evenings, we would sometimes gather at one of our neighbour’s house or our own and play, while our parents discoursed or watched a movie. My closest friends where my, brothers and sisters Farida, f…,…then there was the best of them all, Luna…” he stopped instantly as he said that name, clearly regretting it.
She waited for a few seconds but he did not continue. “Luna” she prompted, her heart beating widely, “she was your sister also?”
“Yes…No,” he said clearly perturbed, “well,” he tried again more cautiously, “no, she was a neighbour’s daughter, but I think of her as a sister,” he said looking away. Slowly getting up, he looked at her managing a smile, “let’s talk again another time, I have some documents I need to review.”
Risha nodded.
But before leaving, he did not forget to say with a smile “The food was great, your cooking tastes better every time. You should try some” he said gesturing to her untouched plate.
She nodded, managing a smile also.
As soon as he was out of sight, she broke into tears, her hand pressing at her mouth to stifle the sound of her sobs, “so it was true, what have I done?” She sobbed like her heart had been torn apart. The dull headache she had been nursing since she read the diary, now swept over her with full force, her temples throbbed as she lay her head on the table crying.
Nothing makes sense anymore
Life has all of a sudden become a bore
Hardly do I ever long for fun
Or smile at the rise of the sun
Seldom do I look forward to a good day
Being so downcast, I no longer see the pathway
I may do as I please
if that means anything at the lease
life has made it business to frustrate and ruin my happiness
I have given upon hoping
Yet, I will not succumb to mopping
I will strive on and on
so long as this battle can be won
for although this war is considered hopeless
I promise to win the battle nonetheless
I will rewrite my destiny
I will regain my sanity
For I am the master of my worldly fate
Even if most say it’s too late
I promise to rise up
I promise I will never stop
Until I get to the top.
That was the last entry into his diary…it was dated a week after their wedding.
The security man smiled at her as she stepped through the door, smiling graciously, as she walked in, everyone she came across, she had a genuine smile for, which was pleasantly returned, some even stopped to exchange pleasantries. Stepping out of the elevator she made her way towards Hanifah’s desk. A broad smile brightened the girl’s face as soon as she saw Risha, standing up, she came over to hug Risha fondly.
“How have you been?” Risha asked smiling.
“I have been ok,” Hanifah returned the smile taking a sit beside Risha on the sits opposite the secretary’s desk, her hands in Risha’s. “You look tired dear, is everything ok?” She asked, Noticing the fatigue in Risha’s face.
“I am ok,” Risha” replied squeezing Hanifah’s hand affectionately, “you are always so observant.”
Hanifah smiled. “Boss is not in though, he stepped out for an important appointment.”
“I know” Risha said, “I actually came to see you.”
“Really, how can I be of help?”
“Well…um, I really don’t know how to put this,” Risha stammered not knowing how to proceed.
Hanifah kept silent, letting her find her own words.
“It’s Farhan” she said finally, “something is bothering him and I don’t know how to help, I was wondering if you could.”
“Ok,” Hanifah said becoming cautious.
“Hanifah,” she began slowly, “I know you have known Farhan for a long time, and also, he trusts you very much. Can you tell me about his past? anything you can remember will help.”
Shifting uncomfortably in her chair, Hanifah looked worried, her brows creasing “well that’s …um” she stammered.
“Please,” Risha pleaded,” showing her helplessness, “please Nifah I really need to know, you are the only person I can talk to, I know you feel you are betraying his confidence, but all I want is to help him, I can’t do that if I don’t understand,” she pleaded, as she fought to keep the tears at bay.
Taking her hand to wipe the tears away, Hanifah hugged her affectionately, “its ok, its ok, I promise I will tell you everything I know, don’t cry so much, you will make me cry too.”
“Thank you” Risha said, truly happy “thank you so much.”
“But I must warn you, I don’t know much, Farhan is a very private person” Hanifah said.
“Don’t worry, I am sure whatever you can tell me will help.”
Hanifah just smiled.
“How about we meet on Saturday?” Risha asked.
“That’s good with me” Hanifah nodded.
“Great, I would pick you up then by 1pm,” Risha said.
“Now wipe those tears dear, look, you have ruined your makeup. Come, I will redo it” Hanifah said pulling her to her feet. “Not that you need it though, you are no less gorgeous without it” she said winking at Risha.
They both laughed.
* * *
Risha parked the car at the parking lot of the restaurant, it was a few minutes pass one. She and Hanifah walked in and made their way for the table they had reserved.
“I want you to please promise me something” Hanifah spoke, once they were sited “And that is, no matter what you find out today, you won’t do anything rash” as she spoke, her face mirrored the seriousness of what she just said.
Taking a deep breath and preparing herself for whatever was to come, Risha nodded.
“Okay” Hanifah said gathering her thoughts. “When I and Farhan started working, I didn’t know much about him, but as time went on, we got close and he would talk to me, tell me things I am sure he wouldn’t tell others in simple passing. From what I know, he loves his family so much Risha, so very much. He works so hard to make life comfortable for them. He had such a clear vision of where he wanted his life to go, so many dreams and a silent determination to achieve them. When we would speak, he would tell me of how he would make his family happy, help the less privileged…get married.” Hanifah hesitated on the last statement. “All these was before that faithful day at Alhaji’s office” she said cautiously observing Risha any signs of anger or offence.
Understanding Hanifah’s apprehension, Risha nodded to encourage her, “please continue” she said, “you know you have nothing to be worried about, I am the guilty party here not you.”
“…since that that day, he became different, changed, he never spoke about those things anymore, he is a lot more reserved and quiet, I know there is a lot bothering him, but he just won’t say, he still does his work with the same vigour, but I don’t think there is any purpose now, he is just living, you know? Like a dream, like he no longer has any control over anything.”
Risha nodded and looked down to hide the tears in her eyes. “Who is Luna?” She whispered.
Hanifah kept silent for what seemed like a minute, debating with herself, finally, she said, “she is the girl Farhan loves, the girl he was supposed to be marry a few months before the incident.”
Risha gasped, unable to stop the sound, “so it’s true” she cried not bothering to hide her tears any longer, everything in that diary is true.” She sobbed.
“I am sorry” Hanifah said, not really knowing what else to say.
“Then why did he do it?” Risha asked, directing her question at no one else in particular, “why did he let me destroy his life, why didn’t he fight?” She sobbed shaking her head as if to clear an illusion.
“I don’t know either, we all knew Farhan was innocent and I think Alhaji knows as well, I don’t know exactly what happened but something must have happened there in Alhaji’s office that day.”
“How do you mean?” Risha asked.
“Like I said,” Hanifah continued, very cautiously, “I don’t really know what happened, so I can only tell you what I saw when Farhan came out of Alhaji’s office. I returned to my desk, after taking you to the clinic, I saw Farhan come out of Alhaji’s office and wallahi, the expression on his face, I have never seen before. It looked like he was a ghost or something, like someone who didn’t know where he was. I spoke to him, but I am sure he didn’t even hear me, he just went into his office in a daze. The next day, Alhaji announced the marriage. That’s all I know” Hanifah said trying to read Risha’s thoughts.
“I need to speak to daddy” Risha said standing up, totally confused, I need to ask him what he said to Farhan that day,” she looked totally disoriented.
“Calm down” Hanifah said standing up to hold her hands. “Please, don’t act in haste”.
“I just need to speak to him Nifah, I need to know, whatever it is I need to know,” she said making her way for the door, leaving Hanifah to follow behind.
“When are you travelling to Abuja then?” Hanifah asked in a haste.
“Now,” Risha replied getting into her car.
“What?!!! You can’t be serious dear you are not thinking straight, come step out from the car now.” Hanifah said reaching to hold Risha’s hand through the window, you are in no condition to drive.”
“I am going” Risha said firmly.
“Risha, if what you said before was true, if really you take me as a friend and sister, then please listen to me.”
With tears running down her cheeks she looked into Hanifah’s eyes. “I have to know Nifah, this feeling, not knowing, it killing me,” she whispered.
“Then come out, Hanifah said opening the door, “…hurry” she urged pulling Risha out. “I will drive.”
“What? No, I can’t let you do that, no,” Risha argued.
“Girl, just get in” Hanifah replied starting the car. “I am not letting you drive in your condition, so just get in already.”
Risha wanted to argue but Hanifah cut her off.
“Get in, I am now more stubborn than you, you won’t have it your way this time.”
Realising that arguing was pointless, Risha got in beside Hanifah her head pounding like the engine room of a train.
They drove in silence, Risha just put her head on the head rest, her eyes closed, it looked like she was sleeping, but sleep was the farthest thing on her mind. She was thinking about everything, about how selfish she had been, about the innocent lives she may have destroyed, about the pain and hurt she caused Farhan.
Hanifah glanced at her in pity, poor girl she thought, “All these, just when she was beginning to make something of her life.” Silently, she said a prayer for her.
It was around 5pm when they finally reached Alhaji’s residence in Abuja.
As soon as the car stopped, Risha hurried in followed by Hanifah.
“Dad I need to talk to you” she announced as she rushed in to find him sitting on the sofa reading a magazine.
Startled, he sat up looking from Risha to Hanifah “is everything ok dear?” He said putting the paper down.
“Sorry to drop in like this dad but I really need to talk to you” Risha said.
“Assalamualaikum sir” Hanifah greeted, how have you been?
“Wa alaikum salaam, Hanifah, I am ok, Alhamdulillah, what is the problem” he asked, calmly getting up to walk towards Risha.
“I need to speak to you” she said again, in the same urgent tone.
“Okay, okay, let’s go to my study, Hanifah, make yourself at home,” he said as he gestured Risha towards his study.
“Daddy, what did you do?” she asked as soon as they were in Alhaji’s study.
“Sorry?” He looked genuinely confused.
“Farhan dad, Farhan, how did you get him to consent to marrying me, that day in your office, what did you tell him” she demanded tensed.
Alhaji Shehu sighed deeply dropping into a chair, sit down darling” he said pointing to the chair opposite his. With the pounding headache she was experiencing, she decided that was the best course of action.
“Now tell me,” he said slowly “what exactly happened, the last time we spoke, everything seemed ok.”
“Nothing is ok dad; everything has never been so wrong” she said crying. “I need to know dad, why did he do it? Why did he consent to our marriage? When he knew he was innocent, what did you do to make him do such a thing?”
"Risha" Alhaji said softly.
"Please dad, please” she sobbed, “I need to know.”
Looking very uncomfortable, he looked away to hide the shame in his eyes, “I threatened him,” he said finally.
“What?” Risha whispered, “you did what?” She had stopped crying now, a shocked look coming into her eyes.
“Well, not him directly,” Alhaji said getting up and turning his back to her. “I threatened to harm his family and the girl he was supposed to marry.”
Risha felt the world stop around her, “my ears must be playing a horrible trick on me.” No, certainly she didn’t hear daddy right. She opened her mouth to speak but no words came out. She tried again after a few seconds “Did I hear you right?” she whispered.
“Yes Risha, you did, I told him categorically that if he didn’t consent to the wedding, I would harm them.”
“Why?” she whispered, tears pouring, “why did you do that? You knew he was innocent dad, I know you knew, why then did you do it dad?” She said going to stand behind him.
When he didn’t reply, she asked, “did you do it to punish me? To get back at me for all the years I hurt you? Was that it dad?
He turned to look her straight in the eyes, “I did it for you, Risha, or to be totally honest, I did it for myself, to ease my guilt as a father.”
“I don’t understand” she said shaking her head in confusion.
“Yes Risha, everything you have become is my fault, your anger, your bad habits, your contempt for life, everything is my fault. I forced Farhan to marry you because that is the only thing I could do for you. From the very moment I knew him, I knew you needed someone like him in your life Risha, he is the best human I have met, his ideals, his faith, his manners, everything about him was just perfect, I thought that if you two were married, you would find a new life, a new reason to be happy to be at peace, I never dreamed you would forgive me, all I wanted was your happiness, I desperately wanted that.”
By this time all feelings had deserted Risha, somehow, she knew he was telling the truth, and he was right about one thing, Farhan was definitely what she needed, how then could she feel any anger for her father? What right did she have to judge him? When she had given him the justification, how could she protest when she herself had consented to the marriage for her own selfish reasons, how could she hate him? The one person he brought into her life had taught her how not to hate, had given her life a new purpose, a new reason to be happy. But still, how could she be happy when his and her actions had destroyed the life of others? How was she to feel grateful when his gift to her had been snatched from some else? She had no right to be happy, no right to be sad, no right to be angry, only regret, heart wrenching regret and guilt.
“But in making me happy, you destroyed the life of other people, taking away their happiness, in making me happy dad you made that perfect human being unhappy and miserable,” she whispered.
Trying his best to hide his own tears, he turned his back to her, “I knew and understood the choice I was making, your happiness over the happiness of others, I chose you dear, how would I not, I am so selfish girl, you don’t deserve a father like me, I felt so guilty for hurting you and your mother so much that I didn’t even think twice, I wanted so much to ease my guilt, I am such a despicable person,” Alhaji Shehu sobbed.
Slowly, she hugged him, resting her head on his back, they both dissolved into their tears.
“I am sorry dad, it’s all my fault, Risha cried holding him close, “I caused you so much pain, so much regret, so much guilt.”
“I deserved it” he said turning to face her, cupping her face in his hands, he continued to speak his hands wiping the tears, “you did nothing wrong Risha, this is all my fault, don’t blame yourself child, blame me, I am responsible”.
But how could she? How could she blame him? No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t bring herself to regret marrying Farhan, and no matter how much she wished it, she couldn’t hate dad for what he did, all these selfish feelings increasing her guilt.
“I don’t have the right to do anything,” she whispered, “I can’t feel wronged, I have gained most from all these, I can’t feel anger, I don’t even have the right, I can’t feel happiness, I have destroyed so many people’s happiness. I am lost dad; I feel so empty.” She whispered.
“What have I done?” Alhaji Shehu sobbed as he embraced her, “what have I done?”
They stayed that way for a while, then she spoke in a determined voice, “I know now what to do,” she said, a determined smile coming to face, “I will fix this, I will make Farhan happy again.”
“How?” Alhaji Shehu asked.
“I will give him up, I will let him go, his happiness is with the one he loved, the one he loves, I will return him to her.” She said sobbing despite her smile, “I will give him up dad, I have too, if he is happy, I am happy. This will make him happy, right daddy?” she asked like a little child.
“You poor child,” Alhaji Shehu whispered wiping her tears, his own running free.
Hanifah drove in silence, Risha sat beside her deep in thought, it had been almost two hours since they left Alhaji’s house, Risha had not said a single word, throughout the drive. She just stared out the window, her fingers closed tightly. Her phone rang, startled, she reached for it, “twelve missed calls” she whispered, no doubt from Farhan, who was calling at the moment. Trying to sound normal, she answered. “Hello”.
She heard him breath and sigh as if in relief. “For the sake of Allah, where have you been Risha? I am almost going crazy here, where are you, it’s almost 8pm and you were not picking your calls…”
The concern in his tone made her heart sink, yet at the same time, it sent such a feeling of joy and comfort through her entire being. It felt nice to be cared for, to know that someone was worried about her.
“I am sorry,” I had to go see dad urgently, “sorry I didn’t call to let you know, I would be returning very late, so please don’t wait up.”
“is everything ok?” he asked, still sounding worried, “just tell me Risha.”
“Everything is fine really, I just have to see someone before I come home, it’s very important, good night.” She said, ending the call and switching off the phone before he could reply.
Hanifah glanced at her inquisitively, “you aren’t going home?” she asked.
“No, you are taking me to see Luna”
“What?” Hanifah exclaimed, hitting the brakes, “No way.”
“I have to see her, I have to tell her everything, she probably hates me so much and rightly so.”
“She doesn’t hate you,” Hanifah said parking the car at the road side, “he didn’t tell her anything, he just left.”
Risha didn’t think she could get any more surprises today, but clearly she was wrong. “He didn’t tell her?” She asked in a weak voice. “Then she must hate him, oh God, what have I done?”
Hanifah just kept silent.
“I have to see her, I have to tell her everything, it’s not too late, I can fix this.”
“It’s not that easy,” Hanifah said avoiding Risha’s eyes.
“Why?” Risha asked confused.
“Well, because…well how do I say this, Luna is getting married.”
“What?!!!” This time Risha screamed, of all the surprises, this was the worst.
“Yes dear, she is getting married 5 days from today”
“No, no this can’t be happening, does Farhan know?” She asked panicky.
“Yes,” Hanifah replied silently, “he told me.”
“Why didn’t he stop her, how could he let her do something like that?”
“He said he could not bring himself to face her, he hasn’t spoken to her since the marriage, it’s been 8 months, Risha 8 months.”
“O Allah! Help me” she cried “I have to stop this from happening, we have to go see Luna, hurry, drive, fast.”
“Risha…” Hanifah tried to speak.
“I don’t want to hear it Knife, just drive please and hurry.”
Nodding in resignation, she kicked the car and drove.