Risha opened the door quietly, trying as much as possible not to make a sound, it was already past 10pm and she didn’t want to wake Farhan if he was asleep. She really hoped he was asleep, for she wasn’t in any condition to face him. Her limbs felt tired, as she walked in, her head throbbing, she felt sad and defeated, no matter how she tried, she couldn’t bring herself to feel otherwise, she had destroyed good people’s life and there wasn’t anything she could do about it. The parlour was dark, as she stepped in cautiously, her eyes got a little used to the darkness, she could see Farhan sitting on the sofa, his head resting on the headrest sleeping quietly. She walked up to him.
“As usual, he stayed waiting for me,” she thought smiling sadly at the thought. He was so breath taking when asleep, it was almost like he was smiling, his breathing gentle and soft, he looked every bit the peaceful soul that he was. She felt her heart go out to him. “How could anyone give up someone so perfect?” She thought remembering Luna’s decision. The thought bringing back to mind the reality of things. Luna had said he was now hers, but as she stared at his sleeping figure, she couldn’t help feel otherwise, and even if he was hers to love, was that enough? She debated with herself. No, she didn’t just want him to be hers, she wanted equally as much to be his also and she knew that would never be possible, not after what she had done to him. The thought brought tears to her eyes. Struggling to keep the tears at bay, she debated whether to wake him or just silently escape to her room. She scolded herself instantly for even considering leaving him there. Slowly, she put on the lamp on the table and went to sit on the rug close to his feet, he stirred in his sleep and smiled. Risha looked at him dreamingly, herself smiling. She could stare at this face for a life time and not get bored. But pushing the thought aside, she tapped him gently, his eyes opened slowly, his sleepy gaze fell on her, he smiled instantly, then he remembered where he was and sat up straight.
“Hi” she smiled.
“Hi” he responded, rubbing his eyes to clear the sleep.
“Sorry for waking you” she said apologetically, shouldn’t you be upstairs instead?”
“I was waiting for you” he said, what happened?”
Avoiding his gaze, “I went to see daddy.”
“Is everything ok?” He inquired, “I mean why so suddenly, you said you were having lunch with a friend.”
“Yes, something came up, I had to speak to him urgently, sorry I didn’t call first, I won’t do it again, promise, she rested her head on the chair,” she smiled apologetically.
Her voice was so gentle, it sounded like velvet, soft and calming, he felt like going back to sleep.
“Well, that’s ok, all that matters is that you are back safely. I hope everything has been sorted out?”
“With dad, yes” she said sadly.
“You look tired” he said observing her.
She looked away avoiding his gaze, so he would not see her red eyes.
“Traffic” she said.
“Best you go up to sleep then,” he smiled, “but have you eaten?”
She smiled; “how wonderful life would be with such a man,” She thought. “Yes, I have,” she lied. “I want to ask you something Farhan,” she spoke in a shaky voice.
“Sure, go ahead.”
“Your childhood, do you miss it?”
He looked at her as trying to read her thoughts. “Yes, he said, very much.”
“And the life you had before me?”
He stirred a little uncomfortable, “yes,” he replied.
“Then, shouldn’t you go back to it now?” She said the words with a smile despite the pain it was causing her heart.
His brows creased in confusion, “sorry?”
“Would you not be happier, if things go back to being like they were before…before me?”
Although, it was a suggestion, it sounded like a question, as if she was asking him go chose between his past and her.
He kept silent, it seemed she still had something to say.
“You have suffered so much for me, I don’t want you suffering any more, your help, your company and teachings have made me a better person, you have helped me just as you promised. Now it’s time to go, time for me to let you go.” She said lowering her head to hide the tears.
And Farhan he was shocked. All the while, he had not once tried to face that problem anymore, at the beginning of the marriage, he had thought everything would be over in a short while, but the weeks had turned to months, all his efforts in that respect produced nothing and he had seldom thought about the whole thing, he always felt so powerless whenever he tried. Not able to leave, bearing the displeasure, contempt and disapproval of his family and Luna had been too much for him. Then in the past, whenever he thought about them, he felt the urge to run over and be with them, but the danger that would put them in always stopped him, so he had just resigned to living life as it came and working on those things he had control over, then all of a sudden, here he was now, with Risha giving him permission to leave, suggesting it by herself, letting him go. He felt like a captain whose seized ship was returned to him, her timing couldn’t had been more perfect, knowing about Luna pending wedding and not being able to do anything about it had been killing him inside, now, it was all over, he could leave, he could return to his life as he knew it. But then, why did it feel like he was making a choice and a hard one at that, why did his heart feel heavy? He felt a certain mixture of joy and disappointment.
“I know I have hurt you so much, or at least I have tried so much,” Risha was saying and I know there is nothing I can do to make up for the time you have lost, the pain you must have suffered, all I can offer you is your freedom.”
Farhan felt like a slave who had worked for a master for so long and was finally getting his freedom, but yet he could not bring himself to be happy because although such a slave would miss home unbearably, the kind love, care and time spent with the master had also become dear, it was familiar, a safe haven so to say. Farhan didn’t know exactly what he was feeling or how to respond, should he thank Risha for doing this? No, she had no right to hold him in the first place. Choosing his words very carefully, he said, I appreciate your kind gesture and your considering this, really. But it’s a bit more complicated, even if you let me go, I can’t leave, a certain commitment binds me.”
“If you are referring to daddy and what he said to you that day, please don’t worry about that anymore, I have cleared all that with him. No one will bother you no matter what,” she whispered her heart feeling like a hand was clutching it, even breathing was hard. “So, this was it” she thought in despair, “this is the end.” The whole thought brought so much pain that she almost reconsidered, but thinking about the pain Luna and Farhan must have suffered and were still suffering made her decide against that instantly.
At her words, Farhan felt the last shackles holding him break away, if the problem with Alhaji was solved then he was truly a free man. He could leave right now, this very minute. The thought was so enlightening, so uplifting, “how one’s fate could change in a matter of seconds,” he thought.
Standing up slowly, Risha said good night in a weak voice, and made her way for the stairs, he heard her walk up and close her door, all the while, he had been thinking of something to say, but suddenly, there was nothing more to say, no words came to mind. He thought about the doubt he was feeling, but as soon as the thought of Luna came to his heart and her smiling face to mind, he felt certain what he wanted to do, he felt like running to her right then and getting everything back as they were.
That night Farhan spent his night dreaming of the promise the next day held, the joy it would bring, the pleasure of being reunited with his beloved, his family.
As for Risha, she cried all night, it felt like she had lost the dearest person in her life, granted she knew she had done the right thing, but it gave her little pleasure, like the time when she had lost her mother, she cried, like the little fragile girl she really was.
The sun had risen a few hours ago, it shun with a gentle warmth as the cooling breeze blew with a calming effect, birds chipped as they flew from tree to tree. “A beautiful day,” Farhan thought smiling with pleasure, he moved his fingers over the flowers in the garden as he loved to do, the familiar calm and the beauty of the place bringing to mind cherished memories that had kept him strong at the hardest of times, he paced up and down the garden unable to make up his mind, he had been there for almost an hour and yet he found he couldn’t bring himself to face her, to face them all, his family, his loved ones. He felt so ashamed, so disappointed in himself, he felt sure his decision was for them, that all he had done was to keep them safe. Yet now when he was free, free to hold them, free to face them, to explain himself, he felt guilty. They had suffered so much because of him, because of his cowardice, his lack of courage.
“Now what do expect from them?” he scolded himself.
Taking a deep a deep breath, he dialled her number, his heart beating frantically, with every beep, he felt the pressure rise inside him.
“Oh Allah, finally” he thought, praying in silence, “how would she react?” Would she even agree to see him? It started to ring, he held his breath praying silently, then her familiar voice came on line.
“Hello?” she said, when no reply came she tried again, “hello, who is this please.”
Then he remembered, she didn’t even have this number, he had changed his sim card. He felt a quick urge to end the call as panic gripped him, trying to steady his voice, he tried to speak, but no words came out, his mind was blank. Finally, he whispered, “Hello?”
She gasped instantly, recognising his voice.” Farhan? Her voice was shaking, “is that really you.”
“yes Luna, it’s me,” he replied feeling the shame grip his entire being.
“I can’t believe it” she whispered, “it’s really you, it’s you…it’s being so long.”
“Yes,” was the only reply that came to mind.
“How are you?” she asked
“I need to speak to you Luna. Will you see me?”
There was no reply, but he could hear her breath.
“Luna please he begged, I understand how you feel, but please, give me this one chance to explain.”
“Ok,” she finally spoke, “when and where?”
“I am here Luna, in our garden, I am right here.”
“Really?” She sounded like she didn’t believe it.
“Yes, I am right here.”
The line went dead.
Farhan took a deep breath, trying to steady his nerves, his Luna, after so many months. “She must be so furious” he thought, “what to expect? A slap. A punch, silent treatment,” he didn’t know, all he knew was that whatever it will be, he would take it all, he couldn’t remember the last time he was this happy.
Then he saw her, like old times, she appeared without a sound, she stood there at the entrance, her eyes held his, happy memories danced between them, slowly very slowly, she walked up to him, Farhan felt transfixed, she had lost weight but lost an ounce of her beauty, her grace, he didn’t know how to react, how to begin, where to start from, they just stared at each other, finally, he opened his mouth to speak,
“Luna, I am…” he couldn’t finish as she did the most unexpected thing he could have imagined, she hugged him tightly. Farhan’s little eyes grew bigger in shock, subconsciously, he found his arms around her pulling her close. “Luna, I…” he tried to speak.
“Ssssh, just hold me like this, I want to remember this moment” she whispered.
“I have so much to say, so much to tell you, so much to explain” he spoke in a tender voice.
“I understand” she whispered stepping back, “I know everything”
“What?” He looked confused.
“Yes, Farry I know what happened,” she tried to smile, “why you left, why you did it and I understand.”
“How?” He inquired.
“Your wife, Risha,” she told me everything.
Farhan stepped back surprised, “Risha was here? When, why, what did she want?”
“She was here yesterday, she came to tell me everything, to make things right as she put it” Luna said smiling.
Farhan was silent, he didn’t know what to say, suddenly, he had nothing more to say, she looked at him with such understanding that no words could evoke.
“Luna” he whispered “I am so sorry for everything.”
She nodded in her typical Luna way “I know, she said smiling at him tenderly. “I have missed you so much Farhan.
“You have no idea Luna, no idea how much I wanted to make things right, how much I missed you, longed to be with you and now, everything is over, we can finally be together.”
She looked down now avoiding his eyes, “Yes Farhan, everything will be alright, but we won’t be together,” she whispered.
He felt like a slap had hit him square in the face, “sorry?” was all he could manage, “stop, teasing Luna, I can barely stand right now in my present condition” he said smiling at her supposed joke.
When she looked up, there was tears in her eyes. “Yes Farry, we can’t be together”
He stared at her not believing his ears, just what was she taking about?
“Luna listen, he spoke tenderly, I know I hurt you I know I disappointed you and I am sorry for that, but you are not making sense here, how can you even say that?”
“I am not disappointed in you Farry, a little angry yes, but that’s not why I am saying this, my wedding is in four days I am getting married Farhan.”
Farhan felt like someone had punched him in the gut, how could she be saying this. “Luna,” he said slowly, “please stop, you are scaring me now, really scaring me.”
She was silent
When she didn’t speak, he continued, “it’s a joke right? Tell me it’s a joke, you are joking, right Luna? You wont go ahead with it, right?”
Tears rolled down her cheeks, she didn’t speak.
Fear gripped him with full force, he knew Luna and this was no joking matter, this was serious. Choosing his words carefully, he tried again, “Luna, whatever it is I will fix it, just tell me, is it your parents I will convince them, I know I can,” he spoke his voice shaking as his fear increased by the moment.
“It’s not them Farhan, I made this decision myself” she whispered looking at him straight in the eyes.
“Then what is it Luna?” He asked at a lose his voice raising a little now.
Looking down she said nothing, Farhan felt like giving her a good shake to wake her from her slumber.
“This can’t be happening,” he whispered shaking his head a little, “tell me why, if you say you don’t hate me, if you are not disappointed in me, then tell me why Luna,” he was almost in tears too. “You don’t love me anymore? I am not good enough for you now?”
Her head jerked up instantly “don’t talk like that Farry, I never stopped loving you and I never will, this is hard for me too” she said in a serious tone.
Feeling like his head would burst, “then what in the name of Allah is the problem Luna, what is all this about, I just can’t understand.”
“I love you Farhan, but there is someone who loves you more.”
He blinked his little eyes in confusion, “what are you taking about Luna, please just stop all this, it’s not funny anymore.”
“She loves you more than I do, more than I ever can?”
“Who?” He yelled unable to take it anymore, “who do you mean?”
“Risha” she said simply, “Your wife.”
Farhan looked at like she had just said the stupidest thing in the world. “Risha? Is that what this is all about?” he smiled as a little hope began to come back to him. “I didn’t think you were the jealous type Luna, you really scared me there” he said breathing with some relief, “there is nothing between us, I promise.”
Luna looked steadily at him her expression the same “she loves you Farry, very much”
“Luna listen to me, there was nothing between me and her, if you say you know everything that happened, how could you even say that?”
“Yes, there was nothing at the beginning, but that’s that the case anymore, the lady I saw yesterday would do anything for you, something I would never have done to make you happy.”
“You are not making sense; I will not accept this.”
“Now, I just have one question for you Farry and please think about it before you answer, do you have any feelings for her?”
And for the first time, Farhan was with faced the question he had never let linger in his mind a question he had never asked himself a question he had refused to ask himself, he didn’t want to know the answer to. Now he was forced to think, to reason, to see Risha in that way, a way he had never allowed his mind to see her, suddenly he felt confused with the emotions that struggled deep inside his heart, he found to his shock he could answer couldn’t decide, for once in his life, he felt like he had to choose between Luna and someone else. He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. “What do I feel for Risha?” The question haunted him, the more he tried to make up his mind, the more confused he felt. He looked at Luna, not knowing how to proceed.
“Honestly,” he replied “I don’t know, I have come care to for her, to trust her and respect her for the person she has made of herself. All I know Luna is I love you, and I want to be with you” he said.
“I don’t doubt that for a second, but sometimes, what we want isn’t always what we need, isn’t always what is best for us.”
“I am sorry” he said “for not coming out straight with a clear answer, am just confused that’s all, I am tired Luna, so tired” he confessed looking ashamed of his condition. “I don’t want to lie to you about her, I might not know that truth, but the one thing that I know that is not a lie, the one truth that I know will never change is that I love you, is that not enough?”
“Please don’t be ashamed for feeling that way, the confusion, the emotions you feel right now, I am feeling it too, until Risha came here to offer you to me, to return you, I didn’t understand, I thought love meant having and giving, she showed me that true love is about giving, giving even when you can’t have anything, giving when you have nothing, I now understand Farry and in time, you will too. I am also beginning to have feelings for someone else.”
His little eyes got bigger, suddenly, he felt his world crumble around him, everything he believed in, everything hoped for, all go with the wind, Luna was his everything, hearing her say those words spelt the end for him, he felt all his joy vanish, all courage desert him, all this time, he had been strong with the hope and faith that one day, she would he his, hearing her say those words, hearing her admit it made everything seem for nothing, all the pain, the hurt the sacrifice.
“I am sorry” she whispered, I hope you will understand, this is how things should be, this is our fate Farry, our destiny.”
Looking like a ghost, he said in a voice devoid of expression. “Our destinies are shaped at our moment of decisions, and this is our moment Luna, now.”
She stared at him, trying her best to fight, the doubt that was clouding her reason, she felt a strong urge to throw caution away, to disregard right and wrong and everything to the wind to choose him, it felt so easy, so simple, all she had to do was hold out her hands and he would be hers, the thought was so tempting, so tempting, but deep in her heart deep down, she knew better, what awaited them. “I won’t change my mind Farry” she said in a determined voice.
Farhan let out the cold breath he had been holding suddenly, the beautiful morning didn’t look so beautiful anymore, the air as cool as it was felt hot over his face, he looked around the garden, their garden, so much memories, so many promises, all over, just like that. “it’s over then” he whispered fighting the tears, it’s really over.”
“Farry,” she said very tenderly, “I am so sorry, I am doing this for us, you will understand some day right now, you think I am selfish, you think I am a bad person, but you will come to realise, I am doing this for us, for you as much as myself.”
And it was true, he didn’t understand, did not want to understand, no matter how hard he tried, this just wasn’t making any sense, he felt angry, frustrated, hurt, betrayed, lost all at once, nothing was ever going to be okay, he felt sure of that. Rubbing his hand over his face, he inhaled deeply, he looked at her right in front of him, yet knew she was no longer his, that she never truly was.
“I am sorry, Farry,” she whispered as she walked pass him, her step slow, “forgive me if you can.”
As he watched her go, he felt the pain grip his heart, to him she was happiness and joy, safety and calm, he felt like he was losing the best thing in his life and there was nothing he could do about it. Just some hours ago, the hope and joy in his heart could light up the sun, now upon a sudden, he felt everything go with her, he wanted to run after her, plead with her, convince her, but hard as he tried, he couldn't bring his legs to move.