Have you ever seen yourself in that moment where you don't know what you want, you don't know whether to say yes or no, whether you want to do this or do that. That's the same situation I am in now, she's by my door, I am the one who has the choice now but doesn't know what to make.
From my way of thinking, I could just easily say no, but being in the particular situation, I'm lost of words. By every right, I'm supposed to say no, I'm just supposed to, but I don't want to and it's not right. I pushed open the door, she waited patiently waiting for me to decide, and when I did, she came in, seated by my side and closing behind the door.
I just have to know that there's no going back right now, this isn't something I should be doing and I know exactly just that. She's the reason I am the way I am, she's the reason I recreated myself this way. Negatively, I would say that she's an enemy, she did me damages, she ruined me, made me go through miseries, made me have a bitter taste of life whilst suffering alone.
But positively, what if I say she's the best friend I have ever got, those ones you keep closer are the only ones that can teach you to be this resilient, to be independent, to not trust anyone, and the funny part of it is that they teach you the hard way.
An enemy won't teach you how to be this comfortable under your own skin, your enemies wouldn't teach you resilient, you enemy can't teach you betrayal because as an enemy, they can never betray you. Only a friend can betray you, only a friend can make you wise by stabbing you in the back, a friend will teach you the act of living and you'll suffer from it, and after learning all this from them, instead of thanking them for teaching us all this in a hard way, we push them out, push them away for someone else to come and reap what others sow, and that's exactly what I am doing with all the girls around me, trying to repay them for what Oakley here has done.
Driving out of the school premises with both of us inside the car, I headed for home. I had told her that I had somewhere else to go, but we all know it's nowhere but home and I wouldn't try to pretend about that by just driving anywhere else because I had told her so. She would watch me drive her home, step out of my vehicle and head towards my building, she'll get to understand that I intentionally never wanted her to come inside my vehicle.
“ I have my apologies to make, I know you don't wanna hear them, but it's eating me up to not plead for my mistakes....”
I didn't reply her, I Just sealed my lips, eyes focused on the road and driving straight back to home. Who said that it wasn't going to be like this, the moment I allowed her in into my car means that I am ready for this particular conversation, so trying to act like that's not what I am here for is kinda awkward or unthinkable.
I always wanted an apology, I wanted her to apologize, always. I have most times day dreamed about it, seeing her in my imagination apologizing for all the wrongs she has done, but right now that she's about to do that, I don't know why I am trying to act weird about it, maybe I should just give her my ears or as well pack the car by the side and listen to whatever she has in mind, but doing that will make her believe she's still got a chance, seeing me being a gentleman.
For her, I don't know, I don't know what I want, I don't know what to think, this is one of the reasons I never wanted her in, because her presence was always going to have an effect on my mental health, not when I still care about her. She made a decision in the expense of my feelings, so the fact I am acting all considerate right now is beyond the favor she should be getting from me, she deserves the same pain just like I am trying to punish the others because I have the tools to.
“ I don't have any excuses Ivan, like I know exactly what I did, all I did, I saw what you was going through, the feelings eating you up back then, saw when you always stare my way, I know all that, but believe that by staying away from you, you'll get your minds together and forget about me.....”
“ Then what the fuck are you doing here?.... To check whether your inspections were right, to check whether I am now back to my senses and try to ruin me again!....”
My tone was loud and angry, eyes staring right into hers as I have already packed by the side. Something in me is telling me to ask her to leave, tell her never to cross paths with me again, never to let me see her again, yet another part is urging me to hear her out, throw away all the grudge I have towards her, then I will find peace within.
There's something about peace, when I have peace with a girl like her, I'll come to love her again the way I did the last time, willing to throw everything down to her, willing to have back the moments I once have. War brings peace, peace brings love and love makes you weak, that's the same way as strong men fight war, war brings peace, peace creates weak men. I have no grudge towards her because I actually hate her, instead, I am keeping hold of that grudge so that I don't turn weak, and with her presence here with me, I am already feeling weakness.