"Are you okay?" Ellie asked and I nodded.  "You sure? You don't look fine to me."  She tried searching my face for any emotions or pain. But I tried not to show any.
"I'm fine, really. Let's just go home already." I turn to look at Zhander who's now walking towards us. He's not supposed to be here. 
Why is he here?
"Are you two in a fight?" Ellie asked staring at the walking figure of Zhander. Then a moment her eyes are on me. "Or are you planning something that you couldn't wait to be discharged?"  
I didn't answer. Not because I don't have an answer but because I am, indeed, planning something. And that plan couldn't wait any longer, especially now that Zhander  showed up. 
When Ellie realizes I'm not gonna spill anything to her, she looks back at Zhander. He's now in front of us, looking at Ellie, not on me. My gut tells me it's because of our last conversation, but I don't care anymore.
"We're not in a fight." Zhander said finally looking at me before I could even respond. Right. We're not in a fight, we are breaking up.
"Something feels so off." Ellie muttered to herself. I just ignored her and went to slide inside Zhander's car. I sit on the passenger seat, while Ellie is in the backseat. Soon after Zhander slid in, he started the engine and drove us off. 
Through the trip no one talks. It was so silent that only the honks of the car behind us were heard. I kept my eyes on the window, trying to avoid Zhander's glances and Ellie's interrogative stare. On second thought, I was so busy watching the trees and building that we passess by.  
After my last talk with Zhander , he still continuously visited me in the hospital. Nothing changes as if I hadn't spoken about breakup . Oh there is — we don't have long conversations since. And I hadn't told Ellie about it. She doesn't have to know. I don't want her to know. I don't know why, I just don't want anyone to know. 
"Can you take me to my old house?" I asked, finally breaking the silence, still looking outside the window. The question was intended for Zhander but Ellie's the one who answered. 
"You mean your parents'?" She asked. Shock is very evident in her tone. Fully aware of her stare, I nod. "Why there?" She asked again. I give no response. "What's going on? Zhander why aren't you talking to her? " She asked, hysterical. Suddenly I felt Zhander's eyes on me. 
"Sabs, you can't go there. Well, you can but not today. Not when you're being so dramatic and all." She said, leaning closer to my seat. When I gave no indication of changing my mind, she left her eyes on Zhander. "Please talk to her, Zhander. I don't know what she has in mind, and that alone scares me. " 
"I'm fine Ellie, really. I just need time to think. That's all." I explained, looking in the front mirror to look at her. 
"That's b*llshit Sabs. Don't give me that shit. We all know you don't want to be alone when you're thinking." She exploded like a landmine bomb. "What exactly is in your mind? You can tell me. Please, please tell me. Talk to me Sabs." She pleaded, eyes teary. And for a moment, I consider telling her and give in. Almost. But in the end, I kept my lips sealed. Not a single more word was uttered and eventually, Ellie stops talking. She slumped on her seat eyes everywhere but on me. She's upset. Mad. I can tell.
***
"Thank you." I say to Zhander, still not meeting his eyes, as I hop out the car. I took a step to Ellie who is now out of the car to hug her but she holds her hand up, stopping me from getting closer. 
"Don't. I'm coming in. We are coming in." She says taking a step towards the house. 
"Ellie, I appreciate it but you know... I just want to be alone for now. I hope you'll give it to me." 
"Well," Ellie started as she halted to a stop. I heard Zhander's footsteps follow behind me. "Sorry to tell you I'm not giving you the chance. " She says as she turns to start walking again. "So, either we stay here for the night or we go straight to your home and give you the time to think and then rest." 
"I... Im-" 
"We're not leaving you here. You want to be here? Then we all stay. Take it or leave it." Zhander finally spoke up. He's just a step away from me. Eyes so dark and I shiver.  as if sensing my defeat, he says, "Let's go in." He said. Holding my hands in his and walking into the house. 
Ellie opened the front door and we followed inside. We were greeted by the darkness and silence. Zhander took his hands to look for the switch and then the lights are on. Taking in the house, I sat on the couch. Nothing changes. The house, the things, arrangements. Everything is still  the same as when my mother was still alive. Arrangements are still as to her likings. And the house still smells like her. I miss her. 
"I'll order us takeout for dinner." Ellie says grabbing her phone from her bag and then walk into the kitchen. I nodded though she'll not see it. 
"I'll be in my room." I said to Zhander starting a step towards the staircase. I heard Zhander's footsteps and for a second, I thought he'd follow me, but he didn't. He went to the couch and sit. Disappointment and somehow relief brushes over me. 
****
Tears races to fall as I finally got in my room. I closed the door, walked to the edge of my bed and sat on the floor. I brought my hands on my knees and positioned my head on as I reminded myself of the reality. The reality that my —our baby — is now gone. That I've ended my relationship with Zhander. And I might, or might not, end my relationship with Ellie as well. Suddenly, a mix of emotions flooded me — pain, worry, fear, sadness, and uncertainties. 
Feeling more worst, I stood up giving a full look of my old room, reminiscing all the memories I remember. This is my room. The room where I've grown up in. The room where my parents read me a story. A room with lots of happy memories — memories with my parents who're now in heaven, I believe. And perhaps my baby is with them now. 
I was about to leave the room when I noticed a notebook on my bedside table. Right. My diary. 
It's been months since I last wrote in my diary. The last time I did was the day I found out about the marriage and I almost forgotten I had one. 
As I turn page after page, I find myself picking up the pen placed from right beside it as well.  Lost in my mixed up emotions, I find myself writing a note or a letter. A goodbye one. 
" I am writing this in this  small piece of paper certainly because I can't find the courage to tell you two this face to face. I am thankful for all the care and  love you have given and shown me all these years, but I had to leave.  I'm sorry. We might not or might meet each other again someday. Nevertheless, you will always have places in my heart. 
Ellie , I haven't imagined writing a goodbye letter to you, not even once. Not because I'm thinking of saying it to you  face-to-face but because I haven't thought, even for a single minute, of leaving you. I was actually thinking of sticking with you, by your side, until you get sick of me and think of getting rid of me. But I'm doing it anyway. I'm writing you goodbye, aren't I?  I'm sorry if this is so sudden. I just don't know what to do, and think. I feel like shutting down. I wrote you this so I could tell you just how much I love you and thankful I am. You're probably thinking I am the worst best friend God could've give to you and it's fine, cause it's true. You might not want to see me again for doing this, but I had to leave. I had to so I could start afresh. I will not forget you though. 
Zhander, I'm sorry for losing our baby. I know how much you tried so hard to be strong and not be affected by what happened for the both of us. And I want you to stop blaming yourself. It's not your fault. It just happened. And everything happens for a reason. Maybe we're not ready yet, that's maybe why God took our baby, so he could take more care of  our little angel. It's too much, I know. I know it's killing you, it's killing me too. And you chose me over our baby, it just doubles my pain and I'm like 'I should be the one dead by now, not our baby. You should've chosen him over me.' If you did, you're probably holding him right in your arms by now. But you chose me. I appreciate it though, really. But I just can't stop blaming myself too. Maybe if I've been extra careful, we should've live happily. But I know we can overcome this, just not together anymore though. That's why I need to leave, to be able to start anew in a new environment to have new memories. And you should do the same. 
Zhander, I may have not let you feel or see it — and I may have not said it before— but I love you. And I can see and feel your love too. You have so much love in your heart and one day, you'll learn to love someone else again. It may be hard but eventually you will find someone and will love her more than you love me. Someday. 
Please do not look for me. I'll be fine and will heal someday. 
                             - Sabrinah