Three weeks later...
"Sabs, you're awake." Ellie whispers as she holds my hand. "Wait, I'll call the doctor." Before she could ever take a step, I called her name. 
I looked around, not making any moves because I felt so heavy. My back hurts. My head hurts. Every part of my body is aching. It's as if I had been crashed by a heavy thing. 
"Stay still. I'm gonna call the doctor quickly." She said as she stormed out the door. Not long after, a doctor and a nurse entered the room, their eyes focused on me. Ellie stands at my side.
"What happened?" I asked the doctor, checking my eyes and other parts of me. Obviously, I'm in a hospital. For what reason, I don't know.
"Does your head still hurt?" He asks me, checking my head. Only then did I realize that I had a bandage on my head. 
"Uh, yes." 
"Do you know your name?" He asks, turning the tiny flashlight off and standing straight. 
"Sabrinah Ellington," I said, not breaking eyes with him. 
"Good. You had an accident, you can't remember?" He asks. I just opened and shut my eyes. No. I don't remember.  " You've been confined for 3 weeks now." He continued. 
"The baby..." I whispered out. "And Zhander." There are a few flashbacks of what happened.
"Ellie," I called out. 
"Yes, I'm here." She stands close to me. Squeezes my hand and then answers, "Zhander is fine. He's home at this moment and will be back." 
"And the baby?" I asked in a rasping voice. Silence takes over the room. Ellie didn't reply. The nurse is checking my monitor as well as my chart. I caught the doctor looking at Ellie before he spoke.
"The baby..." He thrills. "Mrs. Taylor, the baby is gone."
Ellie tightens her hold on me. The nurse pauses for a moment. The doctor's looking at me... Sympathy is visible in his eyes. 
"What do you mean gone?" I asked. I do understand what he said. I got the meaning of his words but I still asked. Not believing what I understood. I want him to take his words back. I want him to tell me otherwise. 
But he didn't. 
"I'm so sorry. Your baby is gone. Dead." 
Horror takes over me. My brain shut down. My body gets numb.  My senses are on but I see nothing; I hear only the beeping of my monitor; and I feel only the tight grip of Ellie. Apart from that, there is nothing. From everything to nothing. I have nothing now. 
The sound of a closing door snaps me back. My hand curls up my stomach. My sight became blurry because of the tears. I didn't realize it was falling. Why?  I asked myself.
"I'm sorry." 
"The baby is gone. Dead."
"Wala na ang mommy mo..."
"Hindi na kinaya ng operasyon." 
"I'm sorry." 
I hate those words. I hate all those words. 
I closed my eyes. Tried to control my sobs from coming out. Tried to stop the tears from falling... But I failed. All those words, those voices keep  ringing in my head. Once again, I was reminded of the pain of losing a loved one. For the second time, I was given a pain that would last long. Perhaps longer than before. 
Bakit ngayon pa?  Fully ready na ako to have my own family. To be a mom. So, why?!  I shouted internally. 
I wanted to scream. God knows how much I wanted to scream, but no voice came out of my mouth but sobs. This is too much... Too much for me to handle. So much to take. 
Why is this happening to me? Why? 
"Sabs..." Ellie called out, putting her hand on my shoulder— tapping it.. I breathed a long breath. Wipes my tears. Tuck my hair in my ears. Then I  turned to face her. 
"Can you further explain what happened?" 
She gave me a look—a disapproving look. "Not now, Sabs. Not now." 
"I want to hear it  now, Ellie. Please," I begged her. It'll hurt, I know. But I want to know every detail. From the accident to losing my baby.  "Please." 
"You should hear it from Zhander..." 
"But he's not here." 
"He'll be here soon—" 
"No!" I cut her off. I am getting pissed off at her — refusing. Anger started to rage. "I want to hear from you, right here, right now." 
I can see Ellie would still protest, but in this situation— in my mode right now — I know she'll give me what I want. She knew me very well just like I knew her very well. 
"Alright." She sighed. Good. "But promise me you'll continue the treatment until you're completely healed. No hiding from Zhander, especially me." 
When I didn't answer, she glared at me. "I can't promise," I said, matter of fact. 
"Fine. Just the treatment then." Ellie said with a sound of defeat. I nodded. 
Ellie started the story from our call during the trip. She said  I was very excited. Well, that part I can still remember. Out of nowhere, the call was cut off , said Ellie, making her worry because it hadn't happened before. She had tried calling me again but there was only a ring. 
"When I heard you were at the hospital I rushed out, only to see Zhander in blood. You are in an emergency room. It takes god knows how many hours before the doctor comes out of the ER. But then," she paused. " the doctor said just either the baby or you can be saved. You were in a very critical condition. Your head was badly hurt and you were bleeding internally, saving you both — the baby and you— doesn't have much possibility of survival. " 
"So he chose my life over our child's." I blurted out. 
"I would do the same. Sabs, if you can only see how wasted Zhander was. The pain in his eyes is just..." I looked at her waiting for her next word. "It's unbearable." 
"He could've just chosen our baby and..." I'm trying to search for my next word. "And then I wouldn't be here listening... Feeling all this pain inside." Another tear fell.
"And then what? Expect him to live a happy life with the baby when you can eventually have another baby? Is that what you're trying to say, Sabrinah? Can you stop being hysterical?!" 
"I don't know, Ellie. I just..." Sobs. "You can't expect me to be so calm and okay after what happened. I just lost my baby. We were both in a critical condition and only me was saved. *Sobs* We were supposed to be having a vacation in their penthouse while expecting our baby to come out healthy." I paused
"I know. I know." She gave me a hug. 
"Six months in my belly, Ellie... I learnt to be careful and tried my best to be healthy and now he's gone. My baby's gone... My mom and now my baby. They're gone. Everyone is going to leave me." 
"I'm not. Neither will Zhander. We will never leave you Sabs, okay?" I didn't fully believe her but my instinct was to nod.  "Are you feeling better now?" I nodded again.  We remain in our position —me leaning on her shoulder and her hugging me, tapping me, trying to put me at ease and to sleep. Too tired to think and to even move, I just closed my eyes. Trying to fool myself that everything will be alright, that everything will be back to normal, but I know it will not. 
You can't expect everything to be the same after a storm. 
**** 
The next day, I woke up with Zhander holding my hand, sleeping. I can't see his face though. He was leaning on my bed facing the other side. 
Ellie, on the other hand, is soundly asleep on the sofa not so far from my bed. Seriously, how long have these two people been staying here, watching over her? 
I looked back at Zhander when I felt his grip on me tighten. He is still asleep, probably just dreaming. I was thinking of removing his hands from mine but stopped because his hold was just too tight.  I watch him as he moves and raises his head. 
"Hey," he said, voice husky. He leaned on the chair he'd been sitting on. I have got to see his face now. He has a bandage on his left hand. Dark circles are very clear under his eyes. If I got a say to him, I would say he's a mess right now. 
"How are you feeling now?" He asks. 
"Better."
"Are you hungry? Thirsty —" 
"I'm good." I said, cutting him off. "I know what happened..." I started, staring at him right in his eyes. He seems to get what I mean because he nods and squeezes my hand softly. 
"I just did what I thought was best. It's hard, very hard. " He  closed his eyes as tears started forming. "But I can't lose you, Sabs. Not you. I don't think I can survive without you."  
"But we have to," I said, suppressing a sob.  Zhander gave me a pleading look but I ignored it. " Let's give each other time for now." 
"No. I am not letting you go. I'm not leaving you Sabs." The tears he's trying to hold for a while are now racing to fall. "Don't, please." 
"I need time for myself. " 
"No. I won't be leaving you alone. I'll stay with you. We're in this together." 
"Please," I begged. 
"No. Please.." he said almost in a rasp. He moves his head sideways, refusing to do what I asked him to.  But even if he refuses to, I have made up my mind. We need time to take everything in. We needed time to breathe and perhaps a breakup is the best way — the only option. This is for both of us. We can't stay in this relationship after what's just happened. If we do, it'll only be guilt and pain that'll be left. We needed time — to free each other — so we could start fresh. Once we're ready to start a new life and if we really are meant for each other, time will say so and will bring us back together.
If.