I don't know if all the sad things happening in my life are dreams because if they were, I would be grateful. Grateful enough to pray to God to wake me up. I have had enough of it. Not to add the most unbelievable news that nearly shocked me to death today. This happened in the same hospital that granny died in.
This particular afternoon as the rain was beginning to drizzle, I got a call from aunt Sarah. I was shocked. She had never directly called nor did I have her number registered on my phone until after our call. She had called me to come to see her at the hospital because she had an important message for me.
Then I thought what on earth did she want to tell me? Aunt Sarah of all people? If it was something important, then why didn't she tell my Mum to tell me? But she didn't. She personally called me! I wouldn't have allowed myself to see her if not for that I was curious about the important message she said she had. So since I was going to see her after all these years, I decided to dress in my best outfit, just to make her know that I was doing fine all on my own and not the opposite.
I knew her well enough to know what she was going to think of me. Poor, dirty, hopeless girl with no financial support. Even to further her education. Aunt Sarah was the type to underestimate people. And I wasn't going to give her the chance to do so to me.
"I'm Hiv positive."
"What?" I asked in shock.
When I entered the hospital, my Mum was already seated by aunt Sarah's side who was looking unhealthy. I didn't know her health was worse like this since I didn't get to see her at granny's burial ceremony. I got there late and left early. Too guilty to stay there. It was my Mum that told me she wasn't looking healthy as she had expected and I ignored it because I didn't care.
But now I did. She was unbelievably Hiv positive! What was she thinking? Any hatred I felt for her started transforming into pity.
"How?" She wasn't looking healthy enough but I knew by hearing that one with Hiv could still be able to live a long life with antiretroviral treatment right after diagnosis. What on earth had she been doing after her diagnosis?
"It's a long story." She smiled.
Aunt Sarah smiled at me? What was wrong with her?
"But you shouldn't look like this!" I gestured to the body and tried not to make a disgusted face.
"It has gotten worse. I'm diagnosed with stage 3 Hiv."
"You gotta be joking!" Mum exclaimed.
"No, I'm not. And my life expectancy is way different from the people only diagnosed with Hiv and on standard treatment."
"Did granny know?"
"No, Tosin. I couldn't tell her. I got scared when I found out and thought I was going to die any day from when I discovered the truth. I should have gone back to the hospital to get a proper understanding of this shit that's ruining my life. There were times I thought to myself I would go, but I kept procrastinating until my immune system started becoming weak to defend my body against infections."
To be honest, hearing her talk made me realise that she was going to die. When I had walked into the building, I had pictured her husband and her kids by her side, but unfortunately, there were none. Just her and my Mum. Her brother was gone, her mother was gone and now, she too was dying.
"How did you contact it?"
"I slept around. The last time I had sex was with someone who didn't know he had it."
So she was a prostitute or what?
"That's your way of making money?"
"Yeah. Not the money alone. The pleasure."
I see. "You could have married and still have sex."
She laughed slightly. "Please, just call me a dummy and an ignorant person. I will say this is my way of getting punished for my wrongdoings."
"Don't blame yourself for accidentally killing your dad."
"What?" She looked surprised.
"Granny told me. It wasn't your fault."
"Yeah. I was a dummy, too playful. I think something is wrong with me."
"I think you are the one doing this to yourself. Just forgive yourself."
Oh yeah, like I forgave myself for killing my adopted father?
"I've hurt you too."
"I've let go of it."
"I have hurt you and you don't know it."
I looked at her and my mother who only shrugged innocently.
"What are you talking about?"
"You've grown so well, strong and pretty. Your boobs and butt have grown big now."
I nearly laughed but kept my cool. So she didn't only hate me, she observed me all. You only observe when you care.
What's up with this aunt?
"I'm sorry I hated you."
She knew she hated me. Wow!
"I'm sorry for making you feel like nothing! For making you sad. For making you cry. For not standing up for you. I'm sorry for everything. You were just a kid and didn't deserve such treatment from me." Now she was crying.
"It's okay, aunt Sarah. You don't have to cry. Though everything hurt so much, I had decided to let it go for a long time. Sometimes, I remember it all and the pain will come back, but not like before anymore. And since you have apologised, I forgive you and the pain will heal. If I don't, I'm not going to heal too."
"Thank you," she tried touching my hand but stopped herself.
"But what I don't understand is why you would tell my Mum to adopt me especially because you saw the hunger for love in me or something and still treated me like trash. You didn't show me the love you think I needed."
Aunt Sarah went mute and avoided my gaze.
"Answer me now." I was eager for her response.
It took forever before aunt Sarah could talk because it was like she was thinking of what to say. "Because..."
"Yes?" I urged her eagerly.
"Because I'm your mother!
____________________
It took me a while to take in what she said. I scoffed and I saw the sincerity in her eyes. "What?!" I shouted. Maybe I heard wrong. Maybe she was joking.
"What are you saying, Sarah?" Mum looked furious.
"What did you say again?"
"I said I'm your Mother, damn it!" There was no way she was lying.
My heart started accelerating and I stood up to pace, trying to ask myself if I heard right. But as I did, my legs couldn't hold me for a reason I didn't know and I collapsed on the floor.
"You are lying," I said.
"I'm telling the truth!"
"Shut up and tell me the actual truth now! Tell me you are lying, aunt Sarah! Jesus no!" I screamed, telling myself I heard wrong.
"Sarah, tell us the truth now! How could you say such a thing?" My Mum came to where I was and lifted me to sit on the chair. "Get yourself together, she is probably joking with us."
Amidst sobbing, aunt Sarah said. "Have I ever joked with you two before? It's the truth and I hate to admit it myself. I'm sorry."
"I will take this as an expensive joke, Sarah."
"Take it or leave it, that's the truth. I am her mother, Rachel. Believe me. If I wasn't, why would I have told you to pick her specifically?"
"Because you said you saw the hunger in her eyes!"
"Of course, why wouldn't I see it? She is my daughter and put her in the orphanage. I have her baby pictures in my house and her birth certificate in my house. I didn't only come for my brother's funeral, I also came to confess, but I didn't know my health was going to be this serious before I return."
"It's a lie! But why? Why dump me?"
"You couldn't take her responsibility so you pushed us to her. Why couldn't you have given her to us in the first place?" Mum asked.
I just kept wishing and wishing this wasn't happening, but it was. It was a reality! She couldn't possibly be the one to begot me. "Why?"
"I know you are trying to figure this out and I'm sorry to put you in this situation. I became pregnant when I least expected it. I could have aborted you but I was scared. I didn't visit home because I was ashamed. I didn't want them to be disappointed in me. The only thing I could do was call home and act like everything was fine for nine months that you were in my belly. I... Hated... I didn't want you! You were a mistake!"
What the...? I felt crushed. I was a mistake!
"I'm sorry for not being a good mother!"
"Of course, you aren't. You aren't worthy to be called one! Because I was a mistake to your whore business. You hated me and dumped me. You hated me to the core that you didn't pretend to hate me when you could have loved and pretend not to be my mother at the same time. All my life I thought I didn't belong to the Johnsons' family. I had thought about where my real mother could have been when she was actually there all along, watching me cry and suffer! You hated me so much that you didn't stand up for me once and you showed it to me you were wicked.
"You so... Damn it! You showed me you didn't love me! We've always hated each other. For long. You weren't there when I was getting bullied. Not there when I was alone! Not there when your brother was kicking the life out of me! Where were you?" I shook my head as tears slipped down my face. "Sleeping around."
"I'm sorry..."
"Shut up! Sorry won't mend my shattered heart! It won't cure the pain you caused me! It won't erase the bad memories of my teenage life! You could have told the truth and none of this would have happened! You f...king watched me suffer! You didn't check up on me! Who could have thought I had been seeing my mother and referring to her as my aunt! The wicked aunt! Did I really not worth you?
"Damn it! I didn't ask to be born! I didn't ask you to allow me to grow in your belly! I didn't ask you not to use a condom or anything to have prevented you from getting pregnant! It's not my fault but you chose to punish me for it! And the man who I had thought was my adopted father was my uncle. He loved me and yet passed his aggression on me! Maybe you all deserved to die... " I cried as the pain in my heart weighed heavily. My heart was knotted with painful emotions that I thought I was going to collapse. It was all too much to handle.
"Stop saying that nonsense!" my adopted mother scolded me. "Stop it! This feels like a bombshell. I'm still trying to believe her but I'm glad she confessed it. But, I'm still your mother."
I stared into her teary eyes and embraced her tightly, "Of course you are." I sobbed in her bosom then raised my head, looking at my real mother, "You chose to punish me for it. For your mistake. Your fault," I pointed. "Now what?"
"Your forgiveness," Sarah said, with tears.
"You aren't getting it. Did granny know?"
"No. But I think she found out before we came here to Lagos. I caught her with a picture of you as a baby and she saw your birth certificate. I told her it was my friend's baby."
I snorted. "You still couldn't tell her! She was getting old! She deserved to know!"
"I was ashamed!"
"A coward!"
"Yes, I am. I'm sorry."
"How can we believe you are telling the truth?" my adopted mother asked.
"Your father knows."
Oh great! So I have a father too. My real mother’s sugar daddy.