Kieran nodded, his mind wandering to the unspoken feelings he had for Hardin. It was hard to reconcile those feelings with the reality of their situation, but he knew that he had to respect Hardin's boundaries. "I understand," he replied softly. "Thank you for your advice, Hardin."
"Advice? So that means you're in love? Wait, my best friend didn't tell me that he's in love." Hardin stood up.
He wrote all his feelings in his little diary. He carefully hid it even from Arthit. He will be dead when his daddy sees his diary. He stood up. “Khun pen khon pi sèt sam ràp phom.” A sweet smile was drawn on his lips
"Huh? What does it mean?” Hardin asked confused.
"You will understand soon." He stepped to the door. He turned to Hardin and said goodbye.
Hardin returns home bowed like a loser from a battle. When he arrived at their house, he saw his daddy in the living room. Mr. Pornthip looked at Kieran intently. He didn't know why.
"You are a disgrace to the family," his daddy said in a high voice.
Kieran stopped going upstairs to his room. He turned to his daddy. Kieran was shocked to see his daddy holding his diary. How does his daddy have that?
"Kieran, come here," he shouted.
He swallowed repeatedly. He was afraid. He bent down and walked slowly to where his daddy was sitting.
"Tell me about this thing, Kieran," he said in a high voice. Furious. "If Nuea hadn't shown it, I wouldn't have known your secret, st*pid."
"D-dad," he said stuttering.
“You're fag, Kieran? shameful, you don't even deserve to bear my last name. You should understand your role as a son.” Mr. Pornthip clenched his teeth.
The words that had just been hurled at him cut deep, leaving him feeling utterly demoralized. It was as if his entire being had been reduced to a single, derogatory label. Mr. Pornthip's words were not only hurtful, but also deeply prejudiced.
"I'm so sorry." Kieran cried.
Kieran felt a sense of shame and self-loathing wash over him. He had always felt like an outsider, but now it seemed as if his own father was rejecting him completely. The weight of his father's disappointment and disapproval was crushing.
As he tried to compose himself, Kieran couldn't help but reflect on the meaning of family and belonging. Was he really so different from his brother, simply because of his sexual orientation? Did his father's love and acceptance really depend on conforming to a narrow and oppressive definition of masculinity?
"How come my favorite son is a disgusting fag? You fool yourself, Kieran. You're loathsome. I hope you're dying when you are in your Mae womb. Why don't you just disappear? I raised you to become a man. Jerk!”
In that moment, Kieran felt utterly alone and adrift. The pain and alienation he felt were palpable, like a wound that refused to heal. Despite his tears and apologies, he knew that he could never truly erase the stigma and prejudice that his father had inflicted upon him. He sobbed as he wiped his wet cheeks. He wished to vanish permanently.
"Son, you make me sick. I'm sick and sick of you. I didn't raise you to become a fag."
"It wasn't my fault, Dad."
"St*pid, not your fault? And who else is now to blame? You blame me, and your Mae? We raised you well, Kieran.” Mr. Pornthip let out a deep breath. "Are you crazy? you're a bad luck Kieran.”
Mr. Pornthip stood up, his eyes filled with anger and disappointment. He gripped Kieran's shoulders so tightly that it hurt. "Stay away from Hardin," he said in a low, menacing voice. "I don't want you to bring shame to the Suttiprapha family."
Kieran felt a lump form in his throat. He knew he had disappointed his father, but he didn't know how to make it right. He just nodded silently, hoping his father would see the remorse in his eyes.
But suddenly, without warning, Mr. Pornthip lashed out and slapped Kieran across the face. The pain was sharp and sudden, and Kieran felt tears welling up in his eyes. As he stumbled backwards, his father pushed him hard, causing him to fall to the floor with a thud.
Kieran lay there, feeling broken and alone. He knew he had made a mistake, but he didn't deserve to be treated like this. As he looked up at his father, he saw only a cold, distant figure, and he realized that he had lost the love and support of the one person he had always relied on.
All the words he received from his daddy seemed to be alcohol on his fresh chest wound. He felt a sharp knife was cutting his heart. The world has blown up to Kieran. He found himself screaming and helpless.
A week had passed since Kieran last communicated with Hardin, and during that time, he had been confined to his room by his father without any explanation. When he was finally allowed to leave, Kieran immediately thought of visiting Hardin to catch up.
However, upon arriving at the gate of Hardin's house, he found it locked. He attempted to call from outside, but an elderly woman interceded, informing Kieran that Hardin and his mother had already moved out of the house.
The unexpected revelation regarding Hardin's sudden departure left Kieran feeling bewildered and disconcerted. His mind was plagued with a myriad of unanswered questions, the foremost being whether Hardin would return to the Philippines.
The fact that Hardin had not informed him of his plans added to Kieran's sense of betrayal and abandonment. As the grains of his tears began to flow once more, Kieran quickly wiped them away upon noticing a group of boys approaching him. Suppressing his emotions, he put on a facade of composure and greeted them with a forced smile.
"Come join us for a game of basketball," beckoned the boy in a friendly tone.
"I'm afraid that's not possible," retorted the other with a harsh tone. "He may not be a suitable companion for us as he is a homosexual. Besides, he was unwell recently and my mother advised me to avoid him."
"Is it true that he's gay?" inquired the first child earlier.
"Indeed, he is a reprehensible homosexual," replied the second child, hurling the ball he held towards Kieran, striking him in the chest.
"Hup bpàak!" Kieran scowled, reprimanding the boys for their intolerant behavior.
He shook his head and walked away. The stigma attached to being bisexual or gay was perplexing to him. The question he grappled with was how to navigate his life in a society that was rife with prejudice and discrimination, while also dealing with his homophobic father.
Despite the challenges he faced, Kieran was determined to live his life authentically and not be hindered by the bigotry of others. He had come to terms with his sexuality, and was ready to face the pressure and challenges that came with it. However, he strongly believed that he had the fundamental right to live his life without discrimination or hate from others.
Thankfully, he found solace in the support of his mother and older brother, Arthit, who fully understood and accepted him for who he was. His only wish was for his father to accept him unconditionally, without the burden of judgement and intolerance.