"Cailen," Arabella said and he could tell by her tone that the happy chit chat was over.
"Don't take this the wrong way, because I am glad you came. I never thought- I never thought I'd get to see you but, why are you here?" She asked softly, leaning forward so her elbows were resting on her knees. "I mean, do you have any questions? Like, what were you hoping to get from this?" She asked.
He supposed it was a valid question, and he supposed he should have an answer, but he didn't. He didn't know why he came here. He didn't know what he wanted to happen.
"I don't know." He admitted, still staring at the ground. "I- I just- I came here on a whim. I didn't even really think about it, not until you answered the door and- and then I really had no idea why I was here." He explained.
She took a moment to consider this, probably just as lost as him.
"Do you have any questions you want to ask? I'll try to answer them." She offered but now that he had the chance, all he could remember wanting to know was why, and he knew that already.
Arabella sighed when he remained silent. "Cailen, giving you up was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I didn't want to, but I know I couldn't take care of you and I've thought about it every day for the past twenty years. There wasn't a day that I didn't wonder where you ended up, if you were adopted by a nice family, what you looked like, what kind of music you liked, what you like on your pizza. Every little thing, I wondered what Cailen would have liked."
He could hear the shake in her voice and could imagine her eyes were filling up with tears, just like his. He found that they were in fact filling with tears when she shifted towards him, placing a gentle hand on his knee and making him look up at her.
"And I'm so, so happy that you have a family that loves you, a family that will take care of you no matter what." She went on, smiling softly.
That broke Cailen, completely shattering any resolve he had built up. Without meaning to, a sob escaped his mouth as the tears spilled over because he didn't have that anymore. He didn't have his family because of who he was and he hated that.
He hated himself. Why couldn't he just be normal? Why couldn't he still be at home tending to William's hangover while secretly laughing at him with Stella?
Why couldn't he still be in the kitchen helping Eden make dinner and sneaking bits of food when she wasn't looking? Why couldn't he be sitting on the couch with Dean, watching the football game and complaining about the lousy defense?
Why couldn't he have that?
Cailen hid his face in his hands as the tears kept coming, his body beginning to shake.
He just wanted to be home. He wanted his family.
Arabella squeezed his knee, placing her other hand on his shoulder. She was probably a bit confused as to why he was sobbing into his hands on her couch but he couldn't help it.
He couldn't make it stop. He felt so lost right now.
He had no place to go, no one to turn to and he had no idea why he came here.
"Call it a mother's instinct, but I have a feeling there's something else going on here." She said softly.
Cailen didn't answer her. He didn't know why she hadn't kicked him out yet. He was probably just being a pain in the ass. He didn't know why she was being so gentle with him.
"Mom, Dad wants to know what to bring home for lunch-" Came a voice from behind them.
Cailen tried to calm himself, he tried taking deep breaths and wiping at his face because he shouldn't be doing this. He shouldn't be sitting here crying in some person's house, even if she was his real mother.
This wasn't her problem.
"Lexi, please, tell him whatever you girls agree on." Arabella said quickly.
"Is everything alright?" She asked.
"Lexi, go talk to your sisters." Arabella said more firmly instead of answering.
The girl, Lexi, hesitated for a moment but then listened to her mother, shuffling back down the hall.
"I'm sorry." Cailen apologized, standing up. "I should go." He said, grabbing the pictures and slipping them into his bag.
He shouldn't have come here, not like this. He accomplished nothing. He was too much of a wreck right now for this to have worked out properly.
"Cailen?" Arabella asked, stopping him in his tracks.
He turned to her, meeting her eyes but barely keeping it together. He was a mess, he was tired and so, so lost.
"Why did you come here?" She asked.
Cailen knew she had already asked this but this time, it felt as though the question held so much more meaning behind it, like she knew there must be something seriously wrong here.
He sighed, hanging his head and bringing his hand up to wipe at his face again.
"I don't know." He said, frustrated and dropping his hand to his side. "I- I didn't know where to go. I- I had no idea what to do." He admitted but he probably wasn't making much sense.
"No idea what to do about what?" She asked, looking up at him.
Cailen sighed again, no clue as to why he was telling her this.
"I fucked up and now I can't go home." He said and if she had a problem with his language, she didn't mention it.
"I'm sure whatever you did, your family will forgive it." She said immediately. "If they love you, they'll forgive you." She said softly.
Cailen shook his head. She didn't understand.
"No, it's not forgivable." He replied, his voice shaking again.
"Why don't you sit down again?" She asked, patting the spot beside her.
Cailen actually fell into the seat, feeling utterly exhausted.
"I don't know Eden and Dean, but I know me and I know that there is nothing that my girls could do to make me not forgive them. And if Eden and Dean are as nice as you say, if they love you, I'm sure it's the same for them."
He hung his head, his elbows resting on his knees as he listened to her, wanting to be able to believe her but he just couldn't.
"Whatever you did, I'm sure you're making it a bigger deal than it actually is. Lots of people do that when they are upset." She said and he really did want to believe her but she had no idea what he was dealing with.
Cailen was certain she wouldn't be saying those things if she knew. He was certain she would kick him out and tell him to never come back. If she knew, she wouldn't be so nice to him, she wouldn't be happy that he came, knowing what kind of person she made.
Maybe he should tell her, maybe then, he could leave and go lie down in a gutter somewhere like he felt like doing.
"Cailen, trust me on this. A mother's love is a strong thing. Not much can break it." Arabella went on and the need to prove her wrong was too great for him to stop himself.
The words were out before he could think about it, surprising even himself because he's never said it out loud before.
"I'm gay."