Chapter thirty eight
Having missed my winning games while unconscious in the hospital, I'd been officially out of the championship.
Just the news I needed to make my day better.
Joey had dropped by to pick me up. After some boring paperwork and proof of identity, he helped me into the car and we hit the road. I hadn't noticed before, but my right foot had sustained major injuries that could keep me limping for months.
I bluntly refused using a wheelchair or pair of crutches; I was wounded, not disabled. Besides, my anger about Simon's departure still hung around me.
The ride back to the gym was rather silent and awkward. I'd been bundled up at the back seat and looking out the window when I noticed Joey's stare on me severally in the rear mirror. I'm certain he had questions, anyone would.
However, I believe he thought better to leave them unasked.
"I messed up big time, Joey," I told him before I knew I said it. Maybe, it was my mistakes humbling me or something else. I felt him stiffen at my words, quite surprised I'm sure.
Still, he nodded reassuringly and kept his eyes on the road, leaving no words at all.
We pulled up before the gym and he reached in to help me out after he'd alighted. I'd never felt that broken or torn in all my life.
With his shoulder under my arm, we both walked in. I wasn't certain what to expect; maybe having everyone look my way in total shock and more confusion. Or perhaps, even receiving more resignation letters from even more frustrated people. Maybe even losing customers; nothing would be a surprise.
Except for what truly happened.
Right after the doorway, tons of people were gathered; staff and probably customers.
Some help several bouquets of flowers, others, chocolates.
Some others only had "welcome back" cards, while a handful just came with their smiles on.
From people who I'd done nothing but boss around and ignore, this was all I needed to tear up again.
While we moved on, they parted to leave an aisle in the center as our path, sending more smiles and showing off the wishes they'd written down.
I spotted a few like, "get better," "we missed you," "best wishes" and "God be with you." Was this even real?
I could only nod between tears to all directions and murmur THANK YOUs as I limped past.
While that went a long way to lighten my mood, it ignited the guilt in me even more.
Back alone in my swivel chair behind my desk, my mind went places. I asked questions.
What now? Would I ever box again? Would Simon ever come back?
Was the revenge streak worth all of this; did it make Noah's soul rest?
There, while I stared vainly out the window, the thought did hit me.
If something unrealistic happened and my brother could see the mess I had made with my life, he would be disappointed.
As much as I claimed to do everything because of him, he wouldn't have wanted me to avenge his death by being the murderer I was today. Neither would he have wanted me to push everyone away and remain lonely. I'd failed him.
A knock fell on the door behind me. A few months ago, I might have disdainfully muttered an invitation for whosoever was behind it.
However, today, I felt too down to even utter a word. Shutting my eyes, I heard the door click open as someone stepped in without waiting for the permission to.
"Sir," I heard Joey's voice say soon after.
Maybe it was just a few more horrible news that he thought I needed to know, or maybe he was leaving too.
With one swoosh movement, I swiveled around to face him and looked up at him.
He gazed down for a second when he met my teary eyes. Something was on his mind; something he might have kept to himself while we'd been riding home.
Solemnly, he brought his hands from behind him to place something on my desk. I'd chuckled; it was a bible.
"I may not know what you're going through. But, He does." He pointed at the book with his eyes just before his stare fell on me.
Strangely, I was finding the entire scenario hilarious.
If God could bring all four of them back to life, I certainly would be satisfied; as strange as the thought felt. It had taken two months and a near death experience to make me understand it wasn't revenge I'd been after, it was happiness.
Right now though, I was anything but happy. My eyes scanned the book for a couple of seconds. "Are you aware, Joey, that I know your scriptures much more than you do?"
When I had Mom and Noah by my side for seven years, why not?
"Knowing and believing are two completely different things," his stern pose remained upright unshaken as his hands were joined behind him.
"I doubt reading it once again would make me believe in it," I shrugged and waited for his part of the debate to pop up.
"It happened to me," he said. "Why not you?"
Because I killed people, I'd almost said it. However, chuckling some more, I kept silent. Right when I was about to say something mocking and abrupt, there was the minor, more thoughtful part of me reminded me this was my second chance to live, to correct mistakes.
And so, welcoming advice was supposed be one of the ways to do that, just as Simon had said.
"You can leave it there, I guess," I shrugged and stared at the tome on my table. "I might check it out, emphasis on might."
He spared me the last of his professional stares before he tipped his head and started towards the door.
Immediately, I'd swiveled around once again and returned my gaze out the window, back to my world of regret and thoughts.