I froze the moment I woke up. All lingering interactions with my former men flashes through my head like the speed of light, this ends up in a situation we're I wanna scream, yell and shout. 
    
    Death is permanent and new life will rise. Of course as the barbaric commander of my past army, I was neither reckless, heartless or just emotionless. Everytime someone from the people I lead dies, I cannot shed tears and ask forgiveness for their passing, only breaths of sadness and a silent response was kept on me. 
    
    As armies ready to die, I didn't think much about dead men walking down the earth screaming under their lungs and tormenting me as each passing day until I could no longer hear them. I never cared for men who will soon die, my only obligation is to part them to the afterlife with the words as a form of mock burial. 
    
    They died protecting the empire, and also those people who can't protect themselves. It is an honorable death for men ready to kill or to be killed but not everyone has a full-fledged heart of a warrior dying in the battlefield alongside decency and honor. 
    
    When I was their commander, I would shatter their hopes of being alive because the battlefield is a place where men are ready to die. If they cannot seek themselves to have the resolve as such, they shouldn't be joining the army of my own lead. Because no one survives after the purge, only me and those with resolve survive the battles which take hundreds of lives. 
    
    I hate it... Whenever I think about this, my head is filled with an enormous amount of pain... I was heartless, not able to see them as they passed the boundaries, they are merely chess pieces in the game of war that the empire, our lord, leads. 
    
    I was one of those pieces and they are my pawns to lead them and for them to die as a soldier befitting of being called warriors. 
    
    An excuse for murders and slaughter. 
    
    Now, they go back with their resolve of hunting me down to the grave of what I call living just to tell me that I shouldn't be happy. I was to careless and easy as I have not think of myself properly— no matter how stupid Seria is, how can I be so stupid like her? 
    
    The [ Artificial Magic ] was created through various sacrifices that magicians have to endure. However, there is a consequence in using this in a body that is yet to mature and incomplete. Had it not been for the gods who gave me mercy, I cannot attain this back but I should have been ready to accept the full punishment of using this in my current state. 
    
    I feel so stupid to not remember that single detail before I recklessless shove her body to its limit. I never thought that the punishment would not withstand her body as well, since her body is fragile and weak, so pain cannot be endured. 
    
    I do too... Did not expect that... I feel like my head is burning after that time, screaming like crazy and breaking my voice until I finally lose consciousness. 
    
--+-•-+--
    
    The news of my awakening has traveled through the entire household. Even my father who's priority was to attend political meetings with all the nobles of the land had suddenly shown himself in front of my door as if he ran here with his two feet looking only by how he was running through his breath. 
    
    Sweating... Must be the right word... 
    
    "How are you? " was the first thing he asked but deep within his expression was worry that he tried to hide. He, however, shifted his gaze and tried calming himself before he looked back once again. 
    
    Before responding, I first look down, and calm the pain on my head. "Better, not to worry, " I said, shifting back and sighing. 
    
    Ever since I became Seira, I have openly expressed various emotions that I have been trying hard to express before. I tried editing everything within myself and not concern myself with what anyone says, my pain is mine alone to endure and no one shall be obligated to care and I cannot lean to anyone but myself.
    
    Because I was born with less affection, so do what I received when I was raised as a warrior. My heart became a fool of the foolest, or that it was made of stone covered in ice. Now I hesitated, I learned to lean on someone rather to bear it alone and cry on the shoulder of those I seek help with. 
    
    But, the closer that I let people in, the more I'm being hunted by enormous feelings of mix hesitance and joy. 
    
    Do I deserve this? Am I allowed to care, worry, love and be kind? I don't think I have the guts yet, I'm no coward, I just hesitated for this will affect me more than it affects others. A sinner like me? Even those foil voice's hate me for being happy, how can I accept this myself? 
    
    Unlike honorable warriors who died to protect themselves and the honor of the empire. I was the barbarian with no honor, the only thing left within me is my principle as a warrior. I'm more than a failure to the honorable heroes who died protecting the empire, but for me who never seized and cared, the empire is just an obligation of nothing but duty and not done solely with oneself. 
    
    To worry about a sinner like me. I am disgusted with myself as a person; who's part of the human race. "When?" I was left mesmerized with myself that I forgot the people inside, my father aside. There are the knights, maids, servants and unfamiliar new faces if you could guess. 
    
    When?... I do not know how to even respond from a one-sided understandable statement, such as ( when? ) when I know nothing or understand what he is coming from. I ended up looking at him in confusion. 
    
    "You are a Crambell, why must you seek someone privately if you can just ask me to investigate them? Why must you hide things and let yourself get hurt?... When did you act like someone I'm not familiar with? " I am only 10 years old to understand this, if I was mentally a 10 years old but those statements are solely for me to understand why I went without permission and without telling him first. 
    
    The knight present here did not know about the permission thing so everyone was left in shock. Though they immediately recovered from it, I was petrified that they might bursted out and ask unnecessary questions, luckily they are holding up as a knight who swore loyalty to me and to the future of my secret. 
    
    "D-daddy, " I softly said and fixed the way I sat on the soft mattress. Then I looked down against my leg and slowly breathed out. "I ask for forgiveness, my actions alone stated of my reckless behavior— no lady should act against the will of its parent, my responsibility alone, I will bare the insignificant of my decision, punish me as you see fit— no, I ask that you forgive the squad team that came with me, they only followed my selfish wish as a Crambell Lady... I beg you show mer--- " before I can even finish my under defense statement, a rushing touch of cold and mild embrace had taken me by surprise.
    
    The touch that replaced the warmth of pillow, despite the heavy chest plate hidden against his robe, and the metal of cold clashing was able to be replaced by a warm touch from the person I could think of last to show kindness. 
    
    "The insignificant actions you committed only refer to the fact that you really are born in this house, a decayed child of reckless heroes who make selfish decisions.  It's not that I blame you, it's just that I know myself how overprotective I am to you, " those cracking voices, even if I think back the only thing that came to my thoughts is the fact that I made this person worry for my own. 
    
    Not something even my former father would have done. The unfamiliar basis of actions that was not committed to me before, felt so strange and so warm like marshmallows that I might end up falling in as much as I possible couldn't think of it as merely melted feeling of butter and jam, as a reference of this feeling of emotions pouring out of my cold-blooded heart. 
    
    "Given the fact that you're born with this reckless blood, I suppose I cannot shelter you any longer, for you may break free and fly on your own. " I couldn't help but to get swayed by his words, and enough to make my tears fall on their own. 
    
    Tears? I never shed tears. Waters raining down from my eyes, like rivers that flow nonstop made me look aware of the ceiling and bit my tongue. 
    
    Why am I crying? Is it because my father said things that make me cry? Or because of my twisted feelings that I never felt before. Would I lie if I said that it made me happy that even with my father in front, tears are the inevitable price of one's sadness? 
    
    If that's the case. Then these feelings are both emotions from me and Seira alone, as we bear pain and emotions that twist both of our minds... 
    
    Then, this means, I'm happy?