I never thought that I could meet Noah, but I was indeed thankful that I did. Although I don't understand why Nolan wanted me to meet him, I still very much appreciate him. When I walked out of Noah's room, I saw Nolan sitting on a chair with his palm covering his face. He looked so hurt.
"You okay?" I tapped on his shoulder and was shocked to see him flushed red. He probably had been crying. "Yeah, Just got carried away." he chuckled, and turned away from me. I can't believe he is actually crying. Like seriously? I could only picture him being a tough and cocky Nolan, but I guess I was wrong.
"You don't have to lie to me, you know." I rolled my eyes at him and he just stared at me with something in his eyes that I don't know how to explain.
"He's dying."
He said it almost like a whisper. What? "What do you mean?" I was curious. Is he talking about his dad or what? "The doctor says that he only has a few months left. I don't f*cking know what to do right now." he sighs frustratedly.
I don't understand this. How come he is dying so suddenly?
"You're joking, right?" I stared at him with wide eyes, but he didn't even laugh or say gotcha whatsoever. "Did Nicolas know about this? Why? What happened to your dad?" I could not believe this at all. This is too much. How is it that a person as kind as Noah has been suffering for what seems like an eternity and is now dying?! Why is life so cruel to him?
"He has been suffering from anxiety and depression for too long. And the doctor said that it could lead to death. I don't even know if that makes sense! Nicolas, of course, doesn't know about this. He doesn't care, I bet." He banged his head with his hands, breathing heavily.
I don't know what to say.
He just wanted to meet Nicolas for one last time because he knew that he was dying. I finally get it now. It all started to make sense. Why does he have to suffer this badly?
Nolan just stayed silent, and I don't know what to do.
"I promised your dad that I would bring Nicolas to meet him." I said and bit my lip. "What? How can you promise him something that you can't? He's going to die waiting again." he said frustratedly.
When he said it like that, he somehow reminded me of my mom. Promising Noah something and not fulfilling it. But I'm not mom. And I'm planning to make my promise come true, although it may sound impossible because Nicolas hated me so much.
"I can. I promised him that and I will fulfil my promises no matter what." I said and he just looked at me. "Good luck then." he shrugged, "I just hope you can make him meet our dad... And I don't want to lose him. He's the only family I have if my father..." he sighs, again.
I know what he means. And I hope I can make Nicolas meet his father too. Even if I have to drag him here, I would.
"Let's head home. Your family must be worried about you." he said, standing up.
 
family? Oh yes! I almost forgot I had one.
Again, the car ride was silent. Thankfully, it wasn't awkward like before, and I feel grateful for that. I am grateful for everything that happened today. Well, except for the fact that Nicolas is with someone else. I wasn't grateful for that. We arrived at my house earlier than I expected since there was no traffic jam and all.
"See you around?" He smiles.
I nodded.
He started to walk away, but I stopped him. He was shocked when I hugged him, but I knew that he badly needed one since there's a lot happening to him right now.
"Thanks... That really helps." he chuckled. "Don't worry about Nicolas. I'll talk to him, although obviously he hates me now." I weakly smiled at him. "Okay.. I just hope he will forgive our dad." He sighs and scratches the back of his head.
 
We just stood there looking at each other.
"Goodnight Nolan." I waved at him, but he just stayed silent and kept looking at me.
Okay, so..
I was taken aback when he suddenly kissed me. I don't even know why I blushed, but whatever, nobody cared. "You don't know how grateful I am right now, although I shouldn't be, since you like my twin and not me." he whispered to my ear. I don't even know if I should feel sad or happy for him. "I just want to know one thing before I leave." he said, cupping my cheeks while staring at me straight in the eyes.
"What is it?" I said curiously. "Will you go with me if Nicolas doesn't want to talk to you ever again? away from this and him? away from everything that is causing us pain..." He asked.
I don't know. I was speechless when he said that.
"Stop saying stupid things, Nolan." I said, looking away from him but holding my hands. causing me to be confused even more. If only he were Nicolas. This should be much easier.
"Just answer me. I needed to know if I was doing the right thing or not. I wanted to know before it was too late." He whispered softly.
I don't know. I liked Nicolas ever since I laid my eyes on him, but Nolan? He looks just like him and accepted me, whoever I am, although he knew that Roxy is my mom. He truly is more like Noah.
What will happen if I choose to be with Nolan?
Will I be happy?
"I choose him." I said. I promise that I will never hurt Nicolas. If I choose his twin, he will probably be hurt. Although I might lose him, I will be okay as long as he's not hurting. I will be okay.
I hope
"I absolutely think that you'd choose me over him. But I guess I was wrong. You must love him very much, huh?"
He smiles. I don't understand him at all. I don't know if I love him. All I know is that I cared for him, and that was all that mattered.
"It's good to know what you feel. And f*ck it, it stings! But I still wanted the best for my little brother and I believe you can give him happiness." He said, touching my cheek. He deserves someone so much better than me.
He really does deserve someone who can love him back with all of their heart.
And that someone is not me.
"I'm sorry. I just can't hurt him again." I said, hoping that he wouldn't hate me. He chuckles. "Oh he won't. I am very sure of it and I am very thankful that I met you. Honestly, I badly wanted to take you with me so that we could run away from all of this mess... But I guess we're just not meant to be." He sighs
Wow, his words are deep. If only Nicolas felt this way towards me
We're just not meant to be.
He was right.