// Hours later - Manila, Philippines //
The mouth starts to mute when the heart had enough time shattering.
At Granny’s birthday that dinner at her house in the outskirts of Manila, my silence spoke volumes on my behalf. A part of me wished of not attending it, but it was Gran that I couldn’t resist. She’s always been warm to me, and this day is about her.
Everybody from Mom’s clan was there. The gathering seemed a social venue where everyone showcased their increased yet questionable wealth.
I chose not to speak to anybody, except when I had to read my birthday greetings to Grandma and fake a cheerful face at the crowd. Grandma is not getting any younger so I set aside my agony momentarily and would cry oceans in my flat later. Or would go to a bar, who knows.
I complimented that thought with a glass of dry rosé. As everyone laughed and tossed in between their chin-wags, there I was in the table at the back, ignoring the fact that Mom was looking at me at the other side of the function room, her eyes waiting for a perfect time to unleash her long parades of, "How could you be this stupid!"
Perhaps it is true that dangerous thoughts come best when you feel alone in a battle not worth surviving, when even the people that matter to you can not save you. The worst place right now is both here and my head. I felt so miserable tonight, and I tried hard on resisting the thought of hurting myself.
I gulped my last glass and headed to the lady’s room. And there, my twin cousins, Megan and Missy, who are about my age of 25, were re-applying their make-up.
I learned today that every member of the clan has already known about my breakup with Ethan and that recent misfortune that involved Anthony. Right before I entered the lady’s room, I overheard the twin’s conversation about Ethan and that “Australian guy” who was obviously Anthony.
“Poor, Natalie!” Missy exclaimed! I had no more energy to face any impending warfare. At this very moment, I am already fragile as glass. One more force and I will break into pieces.
I halted my footsteps to the door before the two switched their gaze and see me. Leaving this place was the best option to spare myself from further damage. Straight off, I went to Grandma, imparted a warm kiss on her cheek, and whispered her again my best wishes. I was quick so no one would suspect I was leaving.
“Thank you, sweetie…” Gran embraced me tightly. Her eyes more watery I wondered if it was her glaucoma or she was being sympathetic with me. Gran knows me very well. She has radar on my every mood.
“Stay a little longer, will you?” Gran pleaded, but my only relief now is to leave.
“I wish I could, Gran.” I imparted some more kisses and finally left.
Weaving between a Ferrari 488 and a Lincoln Navigator in the parking lot, I managed to text a lie to Yvonne. I said I had a bad stomachache when she must have known already it was the worst kind of lie.
I sobbed abruptly in my car the second I exited Grandma’s gate. And stopped driving because I was no longer capable of controlling the steering wheel. And worse, my emotions.
I cried for Anthony. For my doomed life. And for everything else I failed to understand at that moment.
Each time, tears kept rolling down like molten rocks from an erupting volcano. I didn’t know what else to do. I tried to call Yvonne, but she wasn’t picking up. Regrettably, there’s no other else in my contacts who I could entrust my emotions with. And what would I say? I am crying and I need help? It would only deepen the woeful label my name is already on.
All I was capable of, this moment, was to rest my face on the steering wheel, breathing in between sighs, grappling at why my life has to always end up in tears.
***
// 15 March 2018 - Manila, Philippines //
They say pain exists to repel an individual from death. It is supposed to warn us from death. But the way things turned out right now, it is pain that is pulling me closer to death.
I looked over my side as I lay quietly in bed. It’s been days since I haven't left my flat, ignoring every incoming calls and messages. Even those of Anthony’s, who I decided of not talking to for now so I could deal with my own pain. Yet, it was impossible not to miss him that much.
I wished that everyone thinks I was already dead in my place. For days, I tried to overdose myself with Valium. Tried to cut every vein in my wrist, but all the while, Dad kept re-appearing in my vague senses.
Sometimes, I’d hear him call my name. Or see him surface suddenly in the kitchen. Like they were warnings that I shouldn’t fall by the wayside.
The silent hours made me think more about life. About what happens next after it. If I die right now, would people cry? Would they celebrate? How many would come to my funeral?
I grabbed a pillow, covered my face with it, and screamed my heart out so not to disturb other people in the building. The phone kept ringing, and I’m sure it was Tom Gomez. He must be so mad at me. He worked so hard to get me back on track in the company but I just let it slip away, again. Just like that.

I looked at the bed-side clock, and it was already half-round the clock, but my mind is not even half my emotional recovery.
“Natalie!” A knock came. It was Yvonne. She must have been worrying, wondering at why I never went to work these past few days.
The awful silence seemed to stretch forever as Yvonne and I got seated in my couch, me wordless, and a glass of water in front of her.
Yvonne must have noticed I hadn’t done the grocery for days now, and had been skipping meals.
“When was the last time you had a decent meal?” Yvonne initially spoke and studied me, her face a blend of disappointment and concern. She got up and wondered around in an area where my phone was nowhere to be found, where a mound of undone laundry scattered all over the floor.
When it finally dawned to her that I’ve been neglecting myself, Yvonne spun back to me and acknowledged her previous actions.
“Look,” she tried to face me. “I know it was the worst way to find out, but I was in shock too, Natalie.” Yvonne leaned forward and tried to catch my eyes. “I am sorry if I investigated without telling you, but I needed to do it. I know you wouldn’t let me.” She would aim for an eye-to-eye but I slid my eyes sideways. “You were going crazy about this guy. I was worried!”
It sounded almost convincing but… my pride and self-preservation here are bigger. I refused to thank Yvonne because it will only confirm I was weaker than she thought I was.
“Can you at least talk to me?” Yvonne appealed but I was solid not to say any word. “Stop with this madness, pick yourself up, and return to the office.” Yvonne’s tone turned more serious. “Don’t ruin your life because of some guy!”
Some guy?
It darkened my thoughts and fueled my ire. She didn’t even call Anthony by name, and it made clear to me now that she’s no different from Mom. Despite everything, I didn’t want anyone disrespecting Anthony.
“My life is already ruined even before I met Anthony…” I emphasized Anthony’s name and demanded Yvonne to stop calling him some guy or this guy.
Heavily, I cracked which made Yvonne lean back, terribly shocked. Then some other edgy things popped out suddenly.
“You don’t know how I always felt because you’re living a perfect life, Yvonne!” I distanced myself from her, shaking, and lost control of my emotions.
“What do you mean?” Yvonne neared me and demanded me to face her.
“Can’t you see?” I challenged her.
“See what?” Yvonne’s tone sounded more serious, making sure she was the authority here and argued I was lucky I still get a part in a multi-billion company. A company, who according to her, can not afford having some carefree people around.

Every word from Yvonne was too painful to handle. Her manner of speaking was a poison I could die instantly.
“Can’t you see?” I kept on. “Can’t you see that you are everybody’s gem?!” I made sure our eyes were latched as I blundered. “And what am I to them, huh? Even our own mother chooses you over me!” I challenged Yvonne more than when we were little.
For a moment, Yvonne was wordless, in her deepest shock, wondering at why I was dredging up complicated matters all of a sudden, and where these are coming from.
All I felt in that moment was extreme anger, frustration, alienation, and among other emotions I failed to recognize. It was not only about Anthony anymore. There were more than I could contain at the moment.
“Natalie…” Yvonne spoke after epochs and carefully reached for my hand, but my stubbornness so strong that pushed me to say, “I need nobody to talk to at the moment. So if you don’t mind, you need to leave now.”
Yvonne only managed a whisper. “I want my sister back.”
I was sure there were teardrops from her eyes when she said it but I chose to turn my back at her. I was badly drained, and I needed to be alone now.