// 02 February 2018 - Manila, Philippines //
Denial is a self-defense. It is the mind’s scheme of protecting the heart from the pain it can not handle.
To hear those parting words from Anthony felt like the day I lost my father.
This can’t be happening again, I told myself, sobbing, lying on the same bed where Anthony and I argued about it all. There's no finest word in the dictionary that could ever mollify my grievous heart at the moment. I was about to lose someone again.
Right after Anthony said he was going back to Australia, he made a specific instruction not to try and stop him.
“I’m coming with you!” I asserted desperately. “You said we’re meeting your mom.”
Anthony heaved the heaviest sigh and faced me. “Not this time, love.” He tried to fight back his own tears. There was no denying both of us were hurting.
“You need to stay here.” He forced a smile.
“And you…?” I asked, my eyes awash with throbbing tears.
“I’m going back to being a guide, of course.” Anthony pulled in a satirical smile now, mocking at himself and declared, “It’s the only thing I’m good at.”
“That’s not true,” I objected terribly. I’ve been observing Anthony since the very beginning, and he genuinely was the magnetic type. He’s got so much potential but he’s been confining it all to himself.
“Come on, Natalie.” Anthony’s tone had changed. Like he was disappointed that I was being childish. “Let’s not make this difficult for both of us, okay? Let’s just… deal with it, you know?”
It sounded like a lightning about to strike and burn me to the ground.
“No!” I whirled towards him—a girl gone in the wilds—and demanded for his touch. “Kiss me like it is the last time.” I said, pleading, crying. Desperate for propositions to turn things around. And then…
“Make love to me again,” I demanded, harder. I knew better things now that lack of actions oftentimes ends in failures.
Anthony worked hard to gather himself together, to resist from my plea of possession but…
Before I could say another word, Anthony already laid me down to bed and scattered warm kisses over my body. We savored each other’s tears, and I held unto him potently, not knowing where to hold tight to loosen the sensations from his steadfast touch. I never thought that making love is sweeter when it could be last time.
Clearly, no bridges were burned tonight, only hopes, that neither of us is losing grip amid the turbulence.
***
// A month later - Manila, Philippines //
"Sparkle up and forget therapy," says the paper that Sam, the new marketing head of our company, submitted in my office. It was the proposed catchline for the wine brand the company was launching.
On my desk lies my new name plate—VICE PRESIDENT—just below my name. This decision, by majority of the Board of Trustees to have me next to Yvonne, required covert calls and exchanges.
Tom Gomez is the lead person behind it. He was my father’s confidant and my go-to guy in times of crisis. I guess Dad had always had my back.
“It should be you, not Yvonne,” Tom said one time. Whatever his reasons were, all I could think of was the company is in better hands with Yvonne. Like any wine, I needed time to fully reach the desired state. I haven’t ripened yet.
Alone in my office in the afternoon, I found it hard to control my thoughts. Each time I closed my eyes popped Anthony’s face. His smile. His laughter.
I still believe in what he said, that it wasn’t the last time, and we’re only physically separated for the time being. Surely, we still have each other but each time, more tears welled in my eyes.
It’s the load of work, you’ve been working day and night, I convinced myself, giving myself another dose of make-believe. It has to be.
I needed the pill again and grabbed it from my bag. I needed to relax. A month apart from Anthony felt like ages. I’ve grown more and more impatient everyday, and I couldn’t focus much at work.
“Knock, knock!” A male voice destructed my unexpected nap in my office. The pill had taken effect faster than I thought. I rubbed my eyes, stunned and dizzy, and looked at where the voice came from.
Chris, one of Yvonne’s staff, was standing in the doorway, his one hand on the latch and the other holding cautiously a pile of documents.
“The signed contract from Tuscany has arrived,” he shared and neared me. He was referring to the Italian vineyard Mom and Yvonne had been eyeing. We will be their exclusive distributor in the country.
This agreement is the first of Yvonne’s big steps for the company. From herbs and spices, tomato sauce and pasta, fruit juices and dried fruits, now comes an alcoholic beverage.
“Thank you,” I smiled at Chris, making sure my aura revealed no signs of pills, and received the papers graciously.
Being the youngest in the “high court” inclined me to double my efforts. I didn’t want anyone thinking it was only given to me by hand. I wanted my own leverage. My own entitlement.
I dropped the papers before I could go to the second page. To my disappointment, nothing on my e-mail came from Australia today, only that from yesterday when Anthony sent a photo of him leaving for work. I could no longer wait for our nightly video call.
It was difficult at first, keeping the passion burning amid the distance. The first two weeks were loaded with actions, pleasing each other virtually.
I looked at my wrist watch and discovered it was already quarter to five. Since Anthony left, I chose to work overtime to destruct myself from missing him.
I moved back to my own flat the day Anthony left. I’m still disappointed with Mom for what she did to him. I could no longer hold on to the pieces that’s been keeping me tolerate her. Each time I laced our shoes together, the more Mom untied them. It’s hard for me working to bridge the gaps every time.
“Hey,” Yvonne unexpectedly visited my office. “You have time later?” she asked.
“For what?” I asked to confirm if she was referring to Gran’s 80th birthday later. Gran or Grandma Claire is from our maternal side.
About Grandma Claire… She is the daughter of a Spanish friar who was assigned in the Northern Philippines during the Spanish regime. She was a lovechild that shook the local church.
“Nope,” replied Yvonne, her eyes emulsified with something difficult to figure out. “Can I talk to you in private? Now?” It sounded like a warning because the look in Yvonne was utterly uncommon.
“Sure.” Then the two of us headed to the board room where a Caucasian male who seemed like a private investigator was waiting for us.
“Call me Nick.” He offered a hand-shake before Yvonne asked us to sit down.
“Nick here is a private investigator.” Yvonne spoke to me which then confirmed my assumption. I couldn’t deny the fear I felt the second it finally sank in, that this guy was probably working on Anthony.
“Nick here is the best in his field.” Yvonne’s face turned more serious and held my hand tightly, the exact same way when we lost Daddy.
“What are you talking about?” I struggled to breathe, to think clearly. It felt like I had no longer energy to proceed with the rest.
Then Nick went on to speak ceaselessly. “Ms. Park, I am sorry to tell you that Anthony Evans used to go to jail in Australia due to robbery. He is a father of a ten-year-old boy named Junior, and is married to an Australian woman named Penny.”
I lost my last breath upon hearing it all. It was too fast in a single drop. I felt like I was instantly flung to a place undefined in the universe. I was speechless for a full minute, had to clutch at the side of board table for balance. I was trying to absorb everything at once, while I try to catch my own breath. Then when I gathered back my strength and it all sank it, I unwittingly shifted my hysteria to Yvonne. I felt mad. Really mad at her for investigating without my knowledge. Without my permission! And mad at myself, all the more! And my ignorance about it all! How come I didn’t see it coming? That I trusted people so easily? Didn’t I learn a lesson at all?
“Leave me alone…” At least I was able to tell Yvonne and Nick. I did not dare to open the folder where Nick compiled the evidences. It was better sparing my heart from the things I couldn’t bear. Not this time. I had gone through enough shocks already. And the aftermath had only just began.
“I need to be alone now,” I demanded when neither made a move, my face entirely shut down, not looking them both in the eye. “I already heard everything. Please, just go.” I gave my hardest to hold myself still and broke out the second they finally closed the door.
That very moment, I didn’t know what to tell myself. What to think of Anthony? Who to blame? Who to talk to and verify if the things I’ve heard were even true? But the investigation seemed to be true and certain.
I have no more pride left for myself. No more face to show to everyone. To Yvonne. And the worst… To Mom.
Mom must have been laughing now. And to hear her popular line, “I told you so,” would be filling my ears again.
I tried not to let another tear come out but they are stubborn as ever. I blinked them back but the heartache so painful I burst over and over. It was the worst kind of pain.